What do cheaters tell themselves?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone? I cant even begin to imagine a person who is an amazing parent would not think of their kids before going to a rendezvous with the AP. and what is their story for themselves?

Cheaters tend to be very good at compartmentalizing.

It's usually not the cheater who explodes the marriage, it's the other spouse.

Cheaters avoid accountability at all times and never see their part in the relationship issues prior to them destroying it. Just because you won’t acknowledge your role, doesn’t mean you didn’t cause the issues that ended up making you feel entitled to cheat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People can rationalize anything. Some will tell themselves that they can't help it, that it's how they are programmed or they are just not strong enough. Others will normalize it, they'll convince themselves that everyone wants to cheat, and that more people do it than let on. Still others will blame their spouse for not meeting their needs. Some awful people probably even blame their kids, for stressing them out or for "stealing" their spouse away.

It doesn't matter what people tell themselves, what they think, or how they justify their behavior.

What matters is what people do.

Why do they HAVE to help it? Because society says they do?

Maybe they are programmed this way and aren't strong enough. Everyone's brains are wired differently. Hence, addictions.

There's not a married guy on this earth who hasn't thought about/envisioned themselves with another woman. Maybe it's the neighbor, maybe it's Margot Robbie. Either way the same thing that has society believing infidelity is cheating also considers lust "cheating".

Maybe their spouse isn't meeting their needs. Lucky people find this out before they're married, the unlucky people learn it later on.

Society is so funny. Not everyone is the same, therefore everyone's norms aren't the same.

Cheater's justify why they did it and the victim of the cheating justifies that it's wrong. At the end of the day, it's all fabricated by society.

Devil's advocate for open relationships and justifiable cheating. We all only get one shot at this whole life thing. People have urges and act upon them. They're right to believe they did nothing wrong is just as legitimate as you're right to believe they did.

Again, different morals, different beliefs, different norms doesn't make one person right and someone else wrong.

When her libido dropped we had an adult conversation about it and she agreed that it would be ok to open the marriage. Six months later she decided that it wasnt ok. She could have asked for a divorce then but didn’t want that and I didn’t think it was fair to have the terms changed unilaterally. I’ve kept the extracurriculars quiet so that she doesn’t have to be confronted by it. If she does find out then she can decide for real if she wants to divorce.

[Anonymous]

I think it depends. There are different cheating scenarios. Each set of cheaters has its own storyline.

A) There are the cheaters who are just greedy. They have what seem to be normal happy relationships with their spouse but that isn't enough for them. They cheat and hope to not get caught. These are the ones who want to have their cake and eat it too. They are having an active sex life with their spouse.

B) Then there are the people in troubled relationships where they lack connection and intimacy on an emotional and physical level. They rarely or never have sex. They basically co-exist. These people divide into two categories --

B1) the ones who have "exit affairs" and

B2) the ones who a resigned to stay married for whatever reason but want to mitigate the loneliness and sexual deprivation.

The latter ones don't want to get caught, whereas the former ones don't care because they already have one foot out the door.

[Anonymous]

It’s hundreds of micro decisions that eventually lead to a fractured identity, one side stays in the marriage and goes through the motions and the other is Wild, free and “in love” for what they told themselves is the first time.

The cheater compartmentalizes and maintains two separate entities, during the cheating those identities are not in communication with each other which is how they go on for as long as they do.

When they are caught they’re forced to reintegrate the entity that cheated with the one who maintained, then they face an identity crisis.

If they fail to reintegrate the two entities, take responsibility for what they’ve done and really examine the aftermath they may have a chance of telling you why they did what they did and how they gave themselves permission to hurt you.

It’s been 18 months and I still haven’t gotten my answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People can rationalize anything. Some will tell themselves that they can't help it, that it's how they are programmed or they are just not strong enough. Others will normalize it, they'll convince themselves that everyone wants to cheat, and that more people do it than let on. Still others will blame their spouse for not meeting their needs. Some awful people probably even blame their kids, for stressing them out or for "stealing" their spouse away.

It doesn't matter what people tell themselves, what they think, or how they justify their behavior.

What matters is what people do.

Why do they HAVE to help it? Because society says they do?

Maybe they are programmed this way and aren't strong enough. Everyone's brains are wired differently. Hence, addictions.

There's not a married guy on this earth who hasn't thought about/envisioned themselves with another woman. Maybe it's the neighbor, maybe it's Margot Robbie. Either way the same thing that has society believing infidelity is cheating also considers lust "cheating".

Maybe their spouse isn't meeting their needs. Lucky people find this out before they're married, the unlucky people learn it later on.

Society is so funny. Not everyone is the same, therefore everyone's norms aren't the same.

Cheater's justify why they did it and the victim of the cheating justifies that it's wrong. At the end of the day, it's all fabricated by society.

Devil's advocate for open relationships and justifiable cheating. We all only get one shot at this whole life thing. People have urges and act upon them. They're right to believe they did nothing wrong is just as legitimate as you're right to believe they did.

Again, different morals, different beliefs, different norms doesn't make one person right and someone else wrong.

When her libido dropped we had an adult conversation about it and she agreed that it would be ok to open the marriage. Six months later she decided that it wasnt ok. She could have asked for a divorce then but didn’t want that and I didn’t think it was fair to have the terms changed unilaterally. I’ve kept the extracurriculars quiet so that she doesn’t have to be confronted by it. If she does find out then she can decide for real if she wants to divorce.

Be a man and divorce her, she told you what she wanted and you are too cowardly to end it because you need her to be the bad guy. Own your decision instead of being a sneaky lying cheater, she changed the rules, so it was in your court to leave.

[Anonymous]

They tell themselves they aren’t doing anything wrong. For them, their genitals are their brains. There are those who call others immoral.

[Anonymous]

We didn’t have kids so kids feelings

[Anonymous]

The juice is worth the squeeze

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People can rationalize anything. Some will tell themselves that they can't help it, that it's how they are programmed or they are just not strong enough. Others will normalize it, they'll convince themselves that everyone wants to cheat, and that more people do it than let on. Still others will blame their spouse for not meeting their needs. Some awful people probably even blame their kids, for stressing them out or for "stealing" their spouse away.

It doesn't matter what people tell themselves, what they think, or how they justify their behavior.

What matters is what people do.

Why do they HAVE to help it? Because society says they do?

Maybe they are programmed this way and aren't strong enough. Everyone's brains are wired differently. Hence, addictions.

There's not a married guy on this earth who hasn't thought about/envisioned themselves with another woman. Maybe it's the neighbor, maybe it's Margot Robbie. Either way the same thing that has society believing infidelity is cheating also considers lust "cheating".

Maybe their spouse isn't meeting their needs. Lucky people find this out before they're married, the unlucky people learn it later on.

Society is so funny. Not everyone is the same, therefore everyone's norms aren't the same.

Cheater's justify why they did it and the victim of the cheating justifies that it's wrong. At the end of the day, it's all fabricated by society.

Devil's advocate for open relationships and justifiable cheating. We all only get one shot at this whole life thing. People have urges and act upon them. They're right to believe they did nothing wrong is just as legitimate as you're right to believe they did.

Again, different morals, different beliefs, different norms doesn't make one person right and someone else wrong.

When her libido dropped we had an adult conversation about it and she agreed that it would be ok to open the marriage. Six months later she decided that it wasnt ok. She could have asked for a divorce then but didn’t want that and I didn’t think it was fair to have the terms changed unilaterally. I’ve kept the extracurriculars quiet so that she doesn’t have to be confronted by it. If she does find out then she can decide for real if she wants to divorce.

Be a man and divorce her, she told you what she wanted and you are too cowardly to end it because you need her to be the bad guy. Own your decision instead of being a sneaky lying cheater, she changed the rules, so it was in your court to leave.

In truth she wasn’t all that clear. What she said was “I’m not sure I’m comfortable with this anymore”. I’m willing to accept a return to intimacy, continuation of an open marriage, or divorce. I think the ball is really in her court still.

[Anonymous]

My xH’s justification was that I wasn’t able to discuss the Hero’s Journey with him. I’m still not completely sure what the Hero’s Journey has to do with sex or marriage.

[Anonymous]

Many affairs and didn’t tell myself anything. They just happened and most were coworkers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many affairs and didn’t tell myself anything. They just happened and most were coworkers.

You need an exorcist if it just happens without your active engagement, but otherwise you lack the commitment, boundaries and character to be worthy of a monogamous relationship. You have to tell yourself that you can’t control yourself or you don’t care about your job or partner. Maybe everyone else is doing it? Someone as selfish as you know you are entitled to it or something…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many affairs and didn’t tell myself anything. They just happened and most were coworkers.

You need an exorcist if it just happens without your active engagement, but otherwise you lack the commitment, boundaries and character to be worthy of a monogamous relationship. You have to tell yourself that you can’t control yourself or you don’t care about your job or partner. Maybe everyone else is doing it? Someone as selfish as you know you are entitled to it or something…

I couldn’t stop it, it was a high. Yes, terrible. Yes, selfish and self centered. Eventually, I came to my senses, walked away from my career and got my head on straight. Haven’t thought about stepping outside the marriage since.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many affairs and didn’t tell myself anything. They just happened and most were coworkers.

You need an exorcist if it just happens without your active engagement, but otherwise you lack the commitment, boundaries and character to be worthy of a monogamous relationship. You have to tell yourself that you can’t control yourself or you don’t care about your job or partner. Maybe everyone else is doing it? Someone as selfish as you know you are entitled to it or something…

I couldn’t stop it, it was a high. Yes, terrible. Yes, selfish and self centered. Eventually, I came to my senses, walked away from my career and got my head on straight. Haven’t thought about stepping outside the marriage since.

Happy to hear that, did you tell your spouse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People can rationalize anything. Some will tell themselves that they can't help it, that it's how they are programmed or they are just not strong enough. Others will normalize it, they'll convince themselves that everyone wants to cheat, and that more people do it than let on. Still others will blame their spouse for not meeting their needs. Some awful people probably even blame their kids, for stressing them out or for "stealing" their spouse away.

It doesn't matter what people tell themselves, what they think, or how they justify their behavior.

What matters is what people do.

Why do they HAVE to help it? Because society says they do?

Maybe they are programmed this way and aren't strong enough. Everyone's brains are wired differently. Hence, addictions.

There's not a married guy on this earth who hasn't thought about/envisioned themselves with another woman. Maybe it's the neighbor, maybe it's Margot Robbie. Either way the same thing that has society believing infidelity is cheating also considers lust "cheating".

Maybe their spouse isn't meeting their needs. Lucky people find this out before they're married, the unlucky people learn it later on.

Society is so funny. Not everyone is the same, therefore everyone's norms aren't the same.

Cheater's justify why they did it and the victim of the cheating justifies that it's wrong. At the end of the day, it's all fabricated by society.

Devil's advocate for open relationships and justifiable cheating. We all only get one shot at this whole life thing. People have urges and act upon them. They're right to believe they did nothing wrong is just as legitimate as you're right to believe they did.

Again, different morals, different beliefs, different norms doesn't make one person right and someone else wrong.

When her libido dropped we had an adult conversation about it and she agreed that it would be ok to open the marriage. Six months later she decided that it wasnt ok. She could have asked for a divorce then but didn’t want that and I didn’t think it was fair to have the terms changed unilaterally. I’ve kept the extracurriculars quiet so that she doesn’t have to be confronted by it. If she does find out then she can decide for real if she wants to divorce.

Be a man and divorce her, she told you what she wanted and you are too cowardly to end it because you need her to be the bad guy. Own your decision instead of being a sneaky lying cheater, she changed the rules, so it was in your court to leave.

In truth she wasn’t all that clear. What she said was “I’m not sure I’m comfortable with this anymore”. I’m willing to accept a return to intimacy, continuation of an open marriage, or divorce. I think the ball is really in her court still.

The phrase “in truth” coming from you sounds as fake as your relationship. Stop hiding in the shadows and end the cowardice, so you can become a man who is at least honest with himself. You playing word games to avoid making the decision is the weakest thing I have heard in a while on DCUM.