Allocating holidays and divorce

[Anonymous]

^dcum not scum, obviously!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he gets a weekend day each week, then you need to tell the evaluator that you will trade off holidays. The point isn’t the child having a magical holiday experience, it’s spending holidays with both parents/both sides of the child’s family.

She’s not talking about Memorial Day or Columbus Day, so cares about the religious/secular holidays your family celebrates - Christmas, new years, Thanksgiving (if there are other big ones add those too). So one year you get Thanksgiving, dad gets Xmas - the following year you switch.

For all those who bang the “both parents” drum incessantly on scum: that ship sails once abuse is involved.

Seriously. OP said it was 2 of the 3 of the options of “mental health struggles, drug addiction, or abuse”. I mean… any 2 of those 3, to me, is going to absolutely limit custody. I would hope. And OP has no obligation to push her son to spend more time than anyone (son, OP, or dad) wants with an abusive and/ or drug addicted and/ or mentally ill father. Not until he cleans up his act.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your is old enough to be confirmed in the church, and your husband doesn’t take them to church on Christmas, you might be able to argue the religious angle if your child is truly religious and is willing to tell that to the judge that he needs to attend church on Christmas. But be prepared that the judge will just order that your ex take him to church if he asks to go.

They're not eligible for confirmation prep until next year and confirmation itself won't be until the year after that, so the 2027-28 school year. I don't think confirmation would be something a judge would care about. I don't know if DH would have any say in confirmation- it's up to DC to decide. Anyway, unless our housing situation changes substantially they could theoretically walk themselves to prep classes and mass if they had to if DH wouldn't take them, or just get a ride from friends' parents.

They do need to attend mass at the Christmas Eve childrens' mass this year because they're signed up to be an altar server, and we were still together when we helped DC sign up so DH can't plead ignorance or disapproval. So regardless of how things shake out in the next 5 weeks, they can't be too far away and need to be there from ~4-7 pm this year. Future years, who knows.

You are legitimately ridiculous and grasping at straws. Former altar server here. It is NOVEMBER. There is no law requiring him not to switch services. Christmas Eve is an especially easy service to get covered by another server because almost all of them ARE ALREADY THERE.

Please stop. Find acceptance. If you can’t, get a therapist. If you have a therapist, get a new one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your is old enough to be confirmed in the church, and your husband doesn’t take them to church on Christmas, you might be able to argue the religious angle if your child is truly religious and is willing to tell that to the judge that he needs to attend church on Christmas. But be prepared that the judge will just order that your ex take him to church if he asks to go.

They're not eligible for confirmation prep until next year and confirmation itself won't be until the year after that, so the 2027-28 school year. I don't think confirmation would be something a judge would care about. I don't know if DH would have any say in confirmation- it's up to DC to decide. Anyway, unless our housing situation changes substantially they could theoretically walk themselves to prep classes and mass if they had to if DH wouldn't take them, or just get a ride from friends' parents.

They do need to attend mass at the Christmas Eve childrens' mass this year because they're signed up to be an altar server, and we were still together when we helped DC sign up so DH can't plead ignorance or disapproval. So regardless of how things shake out in the next 5 weeks, they can't be too far away and need to be there from ~4-7 pm this year. Future years, who knows.

You are legitimately ridiculous and grasping at straws. Former altar server here. It is NOVEMBER. There is no law requiring him not to switch services. Christmas Eve is an especially easy service to get covered by another server because almost all of them ARE ALREADY THERE.

Please stop. Find acceptance. If you can’t, get a therapist. If you have a therapist, get a new one.

Hey, I don’t think this thread is for you. Things were pretty much figured out and Op got some good advice and we have a good understanding of why the situation is the way it is. Your all-caps anger should maybe go over to a more benign thread and not be used to dump on a mom dealing with what seems like a spouse with addiction/abuse/mental health problems.

-ALSO a former altar server, so there!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he gets a weekend day each week, then you need to tell the evaluator that you will trade off holidays. The point isn’t the child having a magical holiday experience, it’s spending holidays with both parents/both sides of the child’s family.

She’s not talking about Memorial Day or Columbus Day, so cares about the religious/secular holidays your family celebrates - Christmas, new years, Thanksgiving (if there are other big ones add those too). So one year you get Thanksgiving, dad gets Xmas - the following year you switch.

For all those who bang the “both parents” drum incessantly on scum: that ship sails once abuse is involved.

We don’t know if there is abuse and parents still have their rights. Thanksgiving is not a religious holiday. Same with new years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he gets a weekend day each week, then you need to tell the evaluator that you will trade off holidays. The point isn’t the child having a magical holiday experience, it’s spending holidays with both parents/both sides of the child’s family.

She’s not talking about Memorial Day or Columbus Day, so cares about the religious/secular holidays your family celebrates - Christmas, new years, Thanksgiving (if there are other big ones add those too). So one year you get Thanksgiving, dad gets Xmas - the following year you switch.

For all those who bang the “both parents” drum incessantly on scum: that ship sails once abuse is involved.

We don’t know if there is abuse and parents still have their rights. Thanksgiving is not a religious holiday. Same with new years.

A mentally ill person or addict doesn’t have “rights” until a court decides they are competent to care for a child. Get off with your nonsense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he gets a weekend day each week, then you need to tell the evaluator that you will trade off holidays. The point isn’t the child having a magical holiday experience, it’s spending holidays with both parents/both sides of the child’s family.

She’s not talking about Memorial Day or Columbus Day, so cares about the religious/secular holidays your family celebrates - Christmas, new years, Thanksgiving (if there are other big ones add those too). So one year you get Thanksgiving, dad gets Xmas - the following year you switch.

For all those who bang the “both parents” drum incessantly on scum: that ship sails once abuse is involved.

What, exactly, is a 'both parents drum'? Explain?

FYI, many people with mental illness are parenting. In OP's case, she is alleging things and I guess the custody evaluation will be the deciding factor. But no, you don't just lose parenting rights because of mental illness. It is in the best interest of children to have access to both parents.

[Anonymous]

OP, just wanted to check in with you and see how the first Christmas/ new years ended up going. I hope it was okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he gets a weekend day each week, then you need to tell the evaluator that you will trade off holidays. The point isn’t the child having a magical holiday experience, it’s spending holidays with both parents/both sides of the child’s family.

She’s not talking about Memorial Day or Columbus Day, so cares about the religious/secular holidays your family celebrates - Christmas, new years, Thanksgiving (if there are other big ones add those too). So one year you get Thanksgiving, dad gets Xmas - the following year you switch.

For all those who bang the “both parents” drum incessantly on scum: that ship sails once abuse is involved.

What, exactly, is a 'both parents drum'? Explain?

FYI, many people with mental illness are parenting. In OP's case, she is alleging things and I guess the custody evaluation will be the deciding factor. But no, you don't just lose parenting rights because of mental illness. It is in the best interest of children to have access to both parents.

The modern idea of “best interests of children to have access to both parents” circa the early 2000s is grounded in studies of children of divorce with two mentally stable and equally capable parents, which was distorted and leveraged by fathers’ rights groups who lobbied family courts in the 2000s to push the “both parents” agenda.

People and even judges have inaccurately extrapolated backwards from this legal concept the idea that all parents are equal and therefore children benefit from any parent in their life. That couldn’t be farther from the truth as many of us know, but unwinding it legally will probably take decades.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, just wanted to check in with you and see how the first Christmas/ new years ended up going. I hope it was okay.

Hi! It was really peaceful in a way I couldn’t have anticipated. We had the best time and there was no walking on eggshells or guilt trips or dark moods clouding happy days.

STBX kept his distance, and that part was terrifying because it always means there’s punishment coming. January 5th brought a week of motions and letters from his attorney. I’ll get through it.

I can’t control his behavior or how he uses the legal system so I’m focused on every day with my kids being as nice as it can be while it can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, just wanted to check in with you and see how the first Christmas/ new years ended up going. I hope it was okay.

Hi! It was really peaceful in a way I couldn’t have anticipated. We had the best time and there was no walking on eggshells or guilt trips or dark moods clouding happy days.

STBX kept his distance, and that part was terrifying because it always means there’s punishment coming. January 5th brought a week of motions and letters from his attorney. I’ll get through it.

I can’t control his behavior or how he uses the legal system so I’m focused on every day with my kids being as nice as it can be while it can.

Good for you, OP! Even if you do end up sharing Christmas in the future - which is of course a distinct possibility, barring your ex's agreement that he doesn't want Christmas, or the court not granting him any physical custody- I am glad you guys had a peaceful one this year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, just wanted to check in with you and see how the first Christmas/ new years ended up going. I hope it was okay.

Hi! It was really peaceful in a way I couldn’t have anticipated. We had the best time and there was no walking on eggshells or guilt trips or dark moods clouding happy days.

STBX kept his distance, and that part was terrifying because it always means there’s punishment coming. January 5th brought a week of motions and letters from his attorney. I’ll get through it.

I can’t control his behavior or how he uses the legal system so I’m focused on every day with my kids being as nice as it can be while it can.

He kept his distance as you didn't want to let him have time with the kids and make things so difficult. You are punishing him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, just wanted to check in with you and see how the first Christmas/ new years ended up going. I hope it was okay.

Hi! It was really peaceful in a way I couldn’t have anticipated. We had the best time and there was no walking on eggshells or guilt trips or dark moods clouding happy days.

STBX kept his distance, and that part was terrifying because it always means there’s punishment coming. January 5th brought a week of motions and letters from his attorney. I’ll get through it.

I can’t control his behavior or how he uses the legal system so I’m focused on every day with my kids being as nice as it can be while it can.

He kept his distance as you didn't want to let him have time with the kids and make things so difficult. You are punishing him.

More like he flew away on a guys’ ski trip with a bunch of his single and child-free friends at the last minute without warning and missed the days he was going to do “his” Christmas with the kids because it was a “once in a lifetime chance to ski in [place that he’s been before]”, but good try.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, just wanted to check in with you and see how the first Christmas/ new years ended up going. I hope it was okay.

Hi! It was really peaceful in a way I couldn’t have anticipated. We had the best time and there was no walking on eggshells or guilt trips or dark moods clouding happy days.

STBX kept his distance, and that part was terrifying because it always means there’s punishment coming. January 5th brought a week of motions and letters from his attorney. I’ll get through it.

I can’t control his behavior or how he uses the legal system so I’m focused on every day with my kids being as nice as it can be while it can.

He kept his distance as you didn't want to let him have time with the kids and make things so difficult. You are punishing him.

More like he flew away on a guys’ ski trip with a bunch of his single and child-free friends at the last minute without warning and missed the days he was going to do “his” Christmas with the kids because it was a “once in a lifetime chance to ski in [place that he’s been before]”, but good try.

Why shouldn’t he go if you have full custody and will not let him hs r tine with the kids. Your posts are that he cannot see the kids so what do you want from him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in the difficult position of being in a private custody evaluation initiated by STBX. Right now I have DC with me 100% of the time and have for many months and they see STBX for a weekend day every week. There are very specific reasons for the 100% of the time and STBX has not pushed back against that, apart from the major action of an entire custody evaluation.

As part of this custody evaluation, I'm required to take a schedule of all holidays and school breaks and break it down into what an "ideal custody schedule" would look like for the custody evaluator to see. Part of the game is that I'm supposed to show that I'm fair and reasonable and want to be cooperative.

However, the reality is that all holidays that we celebrated were my doing. Partly because DH grew up in another country, so things like Memorial Day weekend, Fourth of July, and Thanksgiving meant nothing to him and his instinct was to treat them as regular days- he would often go to work on Fourth of July or Thanksgiving since the office would be quiet and he could get a lot done. He felt it was silly to put effort into them if they weren't "his" holidays. Religious holidays like Easter were also not his thing, because I am religious and he is non-practicing. Christmas is really tricky, because he liked to show up as a participant but didn't do any of the work that made the holiday special- not even helping with Santa's preparations and the fun parts like that.

He doesn't have extended family nearby that would be hosting these holidays if he had DC with them for him, so they would just be alone, possibly not doing anything.

Any ideas about how to manage this? It feels like a bit of a trap either way.

Here. Dad gets every other weekend and that’s it. You are saying no holidays so you vs. it get mad he traveled.