Allocating holidays and divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your is old enough to be confirmed in the church, and your husband doesn’t take them to church on Christmas, you might be able to argue the religious angle if your child is truly religious and is willing to tell that to the judge that he needs to attend church on Christmas. But be prepared that the judge will just order that your ex take him to church if he asks to go.

They're not eligible for confirmation prep until next year and confirmation itself won't be until the year after that, so the 2027-28 school year. I don't think confirmation would be something a judge would care about. I don't know if DH would have any say in confirmation- it's up to DC to decide. Anyway, unless our housing situation changes substantially they could theoretically walk themselves to prep classes and mass if they had to if DH wouldn't take them, or just get a ride from friends' parents.

They do need to attend mass at the Christmas Eve childrens' mass this year because they're signed up to be an altar server, and we were still together when we helped DC sign up so DH can't plead ignorance or disapproval. So regardless of how things shake out in the next 5 weeks, they can't be too far away and need to be there from ~4-7 pm this year. Future years, who knows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make your holidays fun and exciting and not on the actual day. It will be helpful for when your child marries and potentially Christmas is split 4 ways.

Seriously. Healthcare workers and many others who don’t have a choice about working holidays do it every year.

OP and I hear what you’re saying but this isn’t a thread about healthcare workers and their sacrifices and I’m not a healthcare worker. People in some cultures don’t celebrate Christmas and don’t even have the day off, but it’s not like that’s relevant to the question I’m asking.

Instead of telling me that the days don’t matter or that other people have it worse, I am trying to find someone who can tell me how they managed it when the days do actually matter to them. If it didn’t matter to me I wouldn’t be here asking my question and would have already arbitrarily divided everything up and calls it a day!

OK, well, then here’s what’s relevant. The law heavily, heavily favors 50/50 in custody, including holidays. So if your ex wants Christmases, expect to get half.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your is old enough to be confirmed in the church, and your husband doesn’t take them to church on Christmas, you might be able to argue the religious angle if your child is truly religious and is willing to tell that to the judge that he needs to attend church on Christmas. But be prepared that the judge will just order that your ex take him to church if he asks to go.

LOL. No.

[Anonymous]

Split the holidays 50/50 and alternate years for Christmas and any of the others that are problematic.

It would be hard for a 3rd party to argue the fairness in this approach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your is old enough to be confirmed in the church, and your husband doesn’t take them to church on Christmas, you might be able to argue the religious angle if your child is truly religious and is willing to tell that to the judge that he needs to attend church on Christmas. But be prepared that the judge will just order that your ex take him to church if he asks to go.

They're not eligible for confirmation prep until next year and confirmation itself won't be until the year after that, so the 2027-28 school year. I don't think confirmation would be something a judge would care about. I don't know if DH would have any say in confirmation- it's up to DC to decide. Anyway, unless our housing situation changes substantially they could theoretically walk themselves to prep classes and mass if they had to if DH wouldn't take them, or just get a ride from friends' parents.

They do need to attend mass at the Christmas Eve childrens' mass this year because they're signed up to be an altar server, and we were still together when we helped DC sign up so DH can't plead ignorance or disapproval. So regardless of how things shake out in the next 5 weeks, they can't be too far away and need to be there from ~4-7 pm this year. Future years, who knows.

So this year you could get Christmas Eve and he could get Christmas Day and then you rotate next year? If this service is very important to you, and you don’t want to risk your child missing it by being at his dads on Christmas Eve, I’d offer him Christmas Day instead in your custody/ holiday plan for this year (rotate next year).

[Anonymous]

There is nothing fair about this arrangement. Ask him what he wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make your holidays fun and exciting and not on the actual day. It will be helpful for when your child marries and potentially Christmas is split 4 ways.

Seriously. Healthcare workers and many others who don’t have a choice about working holidays do it every year.

OP and I hear what you’re saying but this isn’t a thread about healthcare workers and their sacrifices and I’m not a healthcare worker. People in some cultures don’t celebrate Christmas and don’t even have the day off, but it’s not like that’s relevant to the question I’m asking.

Instead of telling me that the days don’t matter or that other people have it worse, I am trying to find someone who can tell me how they managed it when the days do actually matter to them. If it didn’t matter to me I wouldn’t be here asking my question and would have already arbitrarily divided everything up and calls it a day!

You have the kids every day. He rarely sees them.

[Anonymous]

In your case, you and ex might be better off doing even/odd years of Christmas Eve/Day. In my case, we do even odd but with a noontime Christmas Day switch (i.e. one parent gets Christmas eve and day until noon, then other parent gets noon onward) but we are close by and pretty amicable. I think this would be stressful in your case, I'd do every other year.

[Anonymous]

What are his holidays? Give him all of his and take all of yours. You will look magnanimous and fair and it will look balanced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What are his holidays? Give him all of his and take all of yours. You will look magnanimous and fair and it will look balanced.

Unfortunately OP says her husband doesn’t care about any holidays except for Christmas. And OP cares about all of the holidays, however, Christmas is most important to her. So it will be hard for OP.

[Anonymous]

If this guy is tapped out, I highly doubt this will change. He wants 50/50 on paper to either look like a good guy or to reduce child support. The odds of him ultimately not showing up or not arguing as the kid gets older and prefers to hang out at their main house sound slim. You need to play the long game here and not get caught up in now only having 4 out of 8 christmases. Odds are, you will end up with more time with your kid that you think.

[Anonymous]

It doesn’t work for everyone, but I do know a couple of families who still celebrate all together (in both cases, one parent remained in the original family home, and the parent who moved out came back over for Christmas). That way the kids see both of their parents on Christmas, traditions stayed nearly the same for the kids, and the parents didn’t have to miss out every other year.

For this to work, there has to be no travel to extended family members houses obviously, and the parents have to both want it, and be civil. And it probably wouldn’t work if someone got remarried

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If this guy is tapped out, I highly doubt this will change. He wants 50/50 on paper to either look like a good guy or to reduce child support. The odds of him ultimately not showing up or not arguing as the kid gets older and prefers to hang out at their main house sound slim. You need to play the long game here and not get caught up in now only having 4 out of 8 christmases. Odds are, you will end up with more time with your kid that you think.

Or, she wants full custody to stick it to him and maximize child support.

She has the kids every day. She can give him the one holiday he wants.

[Anonymous]

I initially thought you were talking about a little kid but they must be 6th grade or so? They’re almost a teenager and are not going to care about listening to the radio, etc. in the next couple of years. He might like the low key of being with his Dad. Christmas has to be 50/50.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: In your case, you and ex might be better off doing even/odd years of Christmas Eve/Day. In my case, we do even odd but with a noontime Christmas Day switch (i.e. one parent gets Christmas eve and day until noon, then other parent gets noon onward) but we are close by and pretty amicable. I think this would be stressful in your case, I'd do every other year.

This is what we do and aren’t even amicable. It was really hard for me the first year because I was always the one who did all of the holiday stuff and XH had the first year. An empty house on Christmas Eve and Christmas morning was tough and I had a good cry, but it was as good as it was going to get. You do what you have to do.