Allocating holidays and divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fixation on Christmas and it being a certain way is just weird. I can guarantee you that your son does not care as much about these traditions as you think he does. Let him spend every other year with his father, the man you married and had a child with (unless there is abuse of course).

I think that it is being hinted that there is some kind of abuse or a substance or mental health issue but it’s maybe not being brought up so as to not derail the discussion entirely.

If a divorce is underway and an evaluation is taking place and one person has 100% custody and the other person hasn’t challenged that 100% custody with a motion for temporary orders, something big is going on. Because otherwise the STBX’s attorney would have jumped on a motion for an hearing and tried to disrupt the current 100% status quo before a precedent was set.

Op said not for good reasons. This really isn’t even a discussion as dad isn’t allowed to be a parent or see his kid again

I assume she meant "not good reasons" as in... reasons like mental health problems or substance abuse (as in, "it's not good"). I don't assume she meant "for no good reason". But maybe OP can clarify!

[Anonymous]

So you in essence have 100% physical custody and he only sees kid during day in public places for a few hours. Why are you spending all this energy trying to figure out holidays?! Just get your kid into therapy. Tell the custody evaluator that you are not ready to do any kind of schedule with holidays as there is not even an overnight happening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you in essence have 100% physical custody and he only sees kid during day in public places for a few hours. Why are you spending all this energy trying to figure out holidays?! Just get your kid into therapy. Tell the custody evaluator that you are not ready to do any kind of schedule with holidays as there is not even an overnight happening.

It sounds like she block him seeing the kid for her own wishes so this makes no sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fixation on Christmas and it being a certain way is just weird. I can guarantee you that your son does not care as much about these traditions as you think he does. Let him spend every other year with his father, the man you married and had a child with (unless there is abuse of course).

I think that it is being hinted that there is some kind of abuse or a substance or mental health issue but it’s maybe not being brought up so as to not derail the discussion entirely.

If a divorce is underway and an evaluation is taking place and one person has 100% custody and the other person hasn’t challenged that 100% custody with a motion for temporary orders, something big is going on. Because otherwise the STBX’s attorney would have jumped on a motion for an hearing and tried to disrupt the current 100% status quo before a precedent was set.

Op said not for good reasons. This really isn’t even a discussion as dad isn’t allowed to be a parent or see his kid again

I assume she meant "not good reasons" as in... reasons like mental health problems or substance abuse (as in, "it's not good"). I don't assume she meant "for no good reason". But maybe OP can clarify!

Not good reasons is she choose it to get at him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fixation on Christmas and it being a certain way is just weird. I can guarantee you that your son does not care as much about these traditions as you think he does. Let him spend every other year with his father, the man you married and had a child with (unless there is abuse of course).

I think that it is being hinted that there is some kind of abuse or a substance or mental health issue but it’s maybe not being brought up so as to not derail the discussion entirely.

If a divorce is underway and an evaluation is taking place and one person has 100% custody and the other person hasn’t challenged that 100% custody with a motion for temporary orders, something big is going on. Because otherwise the STBX’s attorney would have jumped on a motion for an hearing and tried to disrupt the current 100% status quo before a precedent was set.

Op said not for good reasons. This really isn’t even a discussion as dad isn’t allowed to be a parent or see his kid again

I assume she meant "not good reasons" as in... reasons like mental health problems or substance abuse (as in, "it's not good"). I don't assume she meant "for no good reason". But maybe OP can clarify!

Not good reasons is she choose it to get at him.

I think you and I are interpreting her phrasing totally differently. I 100% think she meant it was for reasons that were not pleasant to discuss. Such as mental health problems or drugs or abuse. As opposed to her openly admitting “I’m doing this for no good reason”. But only OP can clarify this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fixation on Christmas and it being a certain way is just weird. I can guarantee you that your son does not care as much about these traditions as you think he does. Let him spend every other year with his father, the man you married and had a child with (unless there is abuse of course).

I think that it is being hinted that there is some kind of abuse or a substance or mental health issue but it’s maybe not being brought up so as to not derail the discussion entirely.

If a divorce is underway and an evaluation is taking place and one person has 100% custody and the other person hasn’t challenged that 100% custody with a motion for temporary orders, something big is going on. Because otherwise the STBX’s attorney would have jumped on a motion for an hearing and tried to disrupt the current 100% status quo before a precedent was set.

Op said not for good reasons. This really isn’t even a discussion as dad isn’t allowed to be a parent or see his kid again

I assume she meant "not good reasons" as in... reasons like mental health problems or substance abuse (as in, "it's not good"). I don't assume she meant "for no good reason". But maybe OP can clarify!

Not good reasons is she choose it to get at him.

I think you and I are interpreting her phrasing totally differently. I 100% think she meant it was for reasons that were not pleasant to discuss. Such as mental health problems or drugs or abuse. As opposed to her openly admitting “I’m doing this for no good reason”. But only OP can clarify this.

OP and this PP is correct, it is 2 of the 3 things listed above and my grammar made things confusing for everyone.

Thank you to everyone who chimed in on this thread and gave me guidance about how to approach the situation. The different perspectives and even the criticism helped me prepare for a very productive conversation with my attorney. Now I have a much better plan for how to discuss scheduling in the custody evaluation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fixation on Christmas and it being a certain way is just weird. I can guarantee you that your son does not care as much about these traditions as you think he does. Let him spend every other year with his father, the man you married and had a child with (unless there is abuse of course).

I think that it is being hinted that there is some kind of abuse or a substance or mental health issue but it’s maybe not being brought up so as to not derail the discussion entirely.

If a divorce is underway and an evaluation is taking place and one person has 100% custody and the other person hasn’t challenged that 100% custody with a motion for temporary orders, something big is going on. Because otherwise the STBX’s attorney would have jumped on a motion for an hearing and tried to disrupt the current 100% status quo before a precedent was set.

Op said not for good reasons. This really isn’t even a discussion as dad isn’t allowed to be a parent or see his kid again

I assume she meant "not good reasons" as in... reasons like mental health problems or substance abuse (as in, "it's not good"). I don't assume she meant "for no good reason". But maybe OP can clarify!

Not good reasons is she choose it to get at him.

I think you and I are interpreting her phrasing totally differently. I 100% think she meant it was for reasons that were not pleasant to discuss. Such as mental health problems or drugs or abuse. As opposed to her openly admitting “I’m doing this for no good reason”. But only OP can clarify this.

OP and this PP is correct, it is 2 of the 3 things listed above and my grammar made things confusing for everyone.

Thank you to everyone who chimed in on this thread and gave me guidance about how to approach the situation. The different perspectives and even the criticism helped me prepare for a very productive conversation with my attorney. Now I have a much better plan for how to discuss scheduling in the custody evaluation.

Good luck, OP, and I hope you and your kid both end up having the holiday season that you both want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fixation on Christmas and it being a certain way is just weird. I can guarantee you that your son does not care as much about these traditions as you think he does. Let him spend every other year with his father, the man you married and had a child with (unless there is abuse of course).

I think that it is being hinted that there is some kind of abuse or a substance or mental health issue but it’s maybe not being brought up so as to not derail the discussion entirely.

If a divorce is underway and an evaluation is taking place and one person has 100% custody and the other person hasn’t challenged that 100% custody with a motion for temporary orders, something big is going on. Because otherwise the STBX’s attorney would have jumped on a motion for an hearing and tried to disrupt the current 100% status quo before a precedent was set.

Op said not for good reasons. This really isn’t even a discussion as dad isn’t allowed to be a parent or see his kid again

I assume she meant "not good reasons" as in... reasons like mental health problems or substance abuse (as in, "it's not good"). I don't assume she meant "for no good reason". But maybe OP can clarify!

Not good reasons is she choose it to get at him.

I think you and I are interpreting her phrasing totally differently. I 100% think she meant it was for reasons that were not pleasant to discuss. Such as mental health problems or drugs or abuse. As opposed to her openly admitting “I’m doing this for no good reason”. But only OP can clarify this.

OP and this PP is correct, it is 2 of the 3 things listed above and my grammar made things confusing for everyone.

Thank you to everyone who chimed in on this thread and gave me guidance about how to approach the situation. The different perspectives and even the criticism helped me prepare for a very productive conversation with my attorney. Now I have a much better plan for how to discuss scheduling in the custody evaluation.

Good luck, OP, and I hope you and your kid both end up having the holiday season that you both want.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fixation on Christmas and it being a certain way is just weird. I can guarantee you that your son does not care as much about these traditions as you think he does. Let him spend every other year with his father, the man you married and had a child with (unless there is abuse of course).

I think that it is being hinted that there is some kind of abuse or a substance or mental health issue but it’s maybe not being brought up so as to not derail the discussion entirely.

If a divorce is underway and an evaluation is taking place and one person has 100% custody and the other person hasn’t challenged that 100% custody with a motion for temporary orders, something big is going on. Because otherwise the STBX’s attorney would have jumped on a motion for an hearing and tried to disrupt the current 100% status quo before a precedent was set.

Op said not for good reasons. This really isn’t even a discussion as dad isn’t allowed to be a parent or see his kid again

I assume she meant "not good reasons" as in... reasons like mental health problems or substance abuse (as in, "it's not good"). I don't assume she meant "for no good reason". But maybe OP can clarify!

Not good reasons is she choose it to get at him.

I think you and I are interpreting her phrasing totally differently. I 100% think she meant it was for reasons that were not pleasant to discuss. Such as mental health problems or drugs or abuse. As opposed to her openly admitting “I’m doing this for no good reason”. But only OP can clarify this.

OP and this PP is correct, it is 2 of the 3 things listed above and my grammar made things confusing for everyone.

Thank you to everyone who chimed in on this thread and gave me guidance about how to approach the situation. The different perspectives and even the criticism helped me prepare for a very productive conversation with my attorney. Now I have a much better plan for how to discuss scheduling in the custody evaluation.

Holidays are a nonissue if he cannot see the kids.

[Anonymous]

If he gets a weekend day each week, then you need to tell the evaluator that you will trade off holidays. The point isn’t the child having a magical holiday experience, it’s spending holidays with both parents/both sides of the child’s family.

She’s not talking about Memorial Day or Columbus Day, so cares about the religious/secular holidays your family celebrates - Christmas, new years, Thanksgiving (if there are other big ones add those too). So one year you get Thanksgiving, dad gets Xmas - the following year you switch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he gets a weekend day each week, then you need to tell the evaluator that you will trade off holidays. The point isn’t the child having a magical holiday experience, it’s spending holidays with both parents/both sides of the child’s family.

She’s not talking about Memorial Day or Columbus Day, so cares about the religious/secular holidays your family celebrates - Christmas, new years, Thanksgiving (if there are other big ones add those too). So one year you get Thanksgiving, dad gets Xmas - the following year you switch.

OP: I posted about this. His family does not celebrate most holidays that we celebrate in the U.S., and his relatives either do not celebrate Christmas at all or in the case of his parents and unmarried sibling, they go on a tropical vacation together. I’m not keeping anyone away from his side of the family- they stay away from each other.

For anyone thinking about marriage: examine your partner’s family traditions and holiday interactions closely. Everyone celebrates things differently, but if your partner’s family doesn’t have interactions with friends or family or neighbors on the most special days of the year, or treats holidays as regular days, they’re not low-key or undemanding or somehow more evolved or sophisticated than people who celebrate. And your family isn’t over the top for doing even something little.

I willingly admit that I missed huge red flags in my DH’s family of origin that would have given me warnings about what I would face in the future had I heeded my instincts and not DH’s explanations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he gets a weekend day each week, then you need to tell the evaluator that you will trade off holidays. The point isn’t the child having a magical holiday experience, it’s spending holidays with both parents/both sides of the child’s family.

She’s not talking about Memorial Day or Columbus Day, so cares about the religious/secular holidays your family celebrates - Christmas, new years, Thanksgiving (if there are other big ones add those too). So one year you get Thanksgiving, dad gets Xmas - the following year you switch.

OP: I posted about this. His family does not celebrate most holidays that we celebrate in the U.S., and his relatives either do not celebrate Christmas at all or in the case of his parents and unmarried sibling, they go on a tropical vacation together. I’m not keeping anyone away from his side of the family- they stay away from each other.

For anyone thinking about marriage: examine your partner’s family traditions and holiday interactions closely. Everyone celebrates things differently, but if your partner’s family doesn’t have interactions with friends or family or neighbors on the most special days of the year, or treats holidays as regular days, they’re not low-key or undemanding or somehow more evolved or sophisticated than people who celebrate. And your family isn’t over the top for doing even something little.

I willingly admit that I missed huge red flags in my DH’s family of origin that would have given me warnings about what I would face in the future had I heeded my instincts and not DH’s explanations.

You are talking about his family, which has nothing to do with him as he’s an adult. This makes no sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he gets a weekend day each week, then you need to tell the evaluator that you will trade off holidays. The point isn’t the child having a magical holiday experience, it’s spending holidays with both parents/both sides of the child’s family.

She’s not talking about Memorial Day or Columbus Day, so cares about the religious/secular holidays your family celebrates - Christmas, new years, Thanksgiving (if there are other big ones add those too). So one year you get Thanksgiving, dad gets Xmas - the following year you switch.

OP: I posted about this. His family does not celebrate most holidays that we celebrate in the U.S., and his relatives either do not celebrate Christmas at all or in the case of his parents and unmarried sibling, they go on a tropical vacation together. I’m not keeping anyone away from his side of the family- they stay away from each other.

For anyone thinking about marriage: examine your partner’s family traditions and holiday interactions closely. Everyone celebrates things differently, but if your partner’s family doesn’t have interactions with friends or family or neighbors on the most special days of the year, or treats holidays as regular days, they’re not low-key or undemanding or somehow more evolved or sophisticated than people who celebrate. And your family isn’t over the top for doing even something little.

I willingly admit that I missed huge red flags in my DH’s family of origin that would have given me warnings about what I would face in the future had I heeded my instincts and not DH’s explanations.

It doesn't matter what her dad celebrates. It matters that you look like a parent who cares that her child has a relationship with BOTH parents. And part of that relationship includes being with dad on holidays. Especially since most school breaks are around holidays (Christmas, thanksgiving, new years), so you need to be willing to have your daughter spend that time with her other parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he gets a weekend day each week, then you need to tell the evaluator that you will trade off holidays. The point isn’t the child having a magical holiday experience, it’s spending holidays with both parents/both sides of the child’s family.

She’s not talking about Memorial Day or Columbus Day, so cares about the religious/secular holidays your family celebrates - Christmas, new years, Thanksgiving (if there are other big ones add those too). So one year you get Thanksgiving, dad gets Xmas - the following year you switch.

OP: I posted about this. His family does not celebrate most holidays that we celebrate in the U.S., and his relatives either do not celebrate Christmas at all or in the case of his parents and unmarried sibling, they go on a tropical vacation together. I’m not keeping anyone away from his side of the family- they stay away from each other.

For anyone thinking about marriage: examine your partner’s family traditions and holiday interactions closely. Everyone celebrates things differently, but if your partner’s family doesn’t have interactions with friends or family or neighbors on the most special days of the year, or treats holidays as regular days, they’re not low-key or undemanding or somehow more evolved or sophisticated than people who celebrate. And your family isn’t over the top for doing even something little.

I willingly admit that I missed huge red flags in my DH’s family of origin that would have given me warnings about what I would face in the future had I heeded my instincts and not DH’s explanations.

It doesn't matter what her dad celebrates. It matters that you look like a parent who cares that her child has a relationship with BOTH parents. And part of that relationship includes being with dad on holidays. Especially since most school breaks are around holidays (Christmas, thanksgiving, new years), so you need to be willing to have your daughter spend that time with her other parent.

I was specifically answering the part where the Pp suggested that I needed to accommodate having DC see DH’s extended family and celebrate with them. I may have misunderstood but I assumed it was implying that regardless of my DH’s issues I needed to facilitate DC’s access to a larger family celebration, of which there is not one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he gets a weekend day each week, then you need to tell the evaluator that you will trade off holidays. The point isn’t the child having a magical holiday experience, it’s spending holidays with both parents/both sides of the child’s family.

She’s not talking about Memorial Day or Columbus Day, so cares about the religious/secular holidays your family celebrates - Christmas, new years, Thanksgiving (if there are other big ones add those too). So one year you get Thanksgiving, dad gets Xmas - the following year you switch.

For all those who bang the “both parents” drum incessantly on scum: that ship sails once abuse is involved.