Feeling like social life has hit a ceiling....not sure where to go from here

[Anonymous]

I am turning 40 this month, I have never had a "friend group" and am accepting that I never will. There will never be a bunch of families congregating at our house. I am utterly unable to break into a social group and when ive tried to make my own my asocial husband throws a wrench in it..."I dont really care for that guy. Hes ok but im not interested in a friendship" is what hes said about EVERY man weve had at our home.
What I can do is make individual friends. If you can find someone to go shopping with, out to coffee, out to drinks, hiking, you won't feel so lonely. I clam up in a group but one on one I can have a much deeper conversation. There is a performance aspect to group friendships that I can't master.

[Anonymous]

OP, I just wanted to tell you that I’m in a similar life phase of you and completely empathize with your situation!

I’m a mother of two toddlers whose kids also go to a community oriented pre- school and who lives a home in a family friendly DC suburb expecting to be able to make a bunch of close friends quickly with other new parents… but the reality we’ve only met one set of close neighbor or preschool friends in five years here. There are a handful of families we hang out with for play dates a few times a year, but my DH & eyes aren’t having deeply personal conversation conversations - or hanging out with the parents - outside of these playdates.

Like you, this is disappointed and surprise me, as I also grew up in a family that had many family friends in the neighborhood.

I suspect that this time in life is difficult for many to allocate actually going on, say, a double date with fellow parents to get to know them better as adults. I also suspect that a lot has changed in the era of social media and post Covid, where we know a lot more about each other’s lives and have less curiosity about each other because we realistically are able to peer into peoples lives through Facebook, Instagram, etc. People are also not picking up the phone or making outgoing calls to check in! Texting is rampant and casual, and doesn’t lead to in person bonding.

I have no solution for the problem you’re describing. Like you, I’ve tried many things, including a book club, a neighborhood mom’s of preschool kids, wine night (it fizzled after 15 months), joining our community pool, joining a gym, and switching our preschool to one that had more SAHMs. I’m still scratching my head.
Here for moral support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP can I ask a genuine question? How personally fulfilled do you feel, and how are things at home? I’m just reading this incredibly intense focus on external socializing and it’s exhausting. With a spouse, a toddler, a baby, and at least one parent who lives an hour away, I’m just really struck at what feels like an urgent sense or need for near constant socializing. I’m not being critical of that at all. And I’m not particularly a homebody. It just feels like there’s a lot of unmet need on your part and I’m wondering what that’s about. I have lots of friends and I absolutely value their place in my life. So it’s really important. It’s just that the stage of life you’re describing is generally really busy for most of us and it’s curious that it seems like it feels so lacking to you.

OP here; it's a valid question, but I actually feel like everything else in my life is in a really great place for the first time in a while. Both kids are happy and healthy, DH and I's marriage is in the best state it's been since we had kids, work is fulfilling, my parents are healthy after a few scores over the past year. I guess when I sit down and think about it, my life is pretty good, but close friendships is really the only thing that's lacking. Now that all the other "things" in my life (marriage, kids, work) is settled for the first time in a while, the lack of friendships is coming more to the forefront.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I just wanted to tell you that I’m in a similar life phase of you and completely empathize with your situation!

I’m a mother of two toddlers whose kids also go to a community oriented pre- school and who lives a home in a family friendly DC suburb expecting to be able to make a bunch of close friends quickly with other new parents… but the reality we’ve only met one set of close neighbor or preschool friends in five years here. There are a handful of families we hang out with for play dates a few times a year, but my DH & eyes aren’t having deeply personal conversation conversations - or hanging out with the parents - outside of these playdates.

Like you, this is disappointed and surprise me, as I also grew up in a family that had many family friends in the neighborhood.

I suspect that this time in life is difficult for many to allocate actually going on, say, a double date with fellow parents to get to know them better as adults. I also suspect that a lot has changed in the era of social media and post Covid, where we know a lot more about each other’s lives and have less curiosity about each other because we realistically are able to peer into peoples lives through Facebook, Instagram, etc. People are also not picking up the phone or making outgoing calls to check in! Texting is rampant and casual, and doesn’t lead to in person bonding.

I have no solution for the problem you’re describing. Like you, I’ve tried many things, including a book club, a neighborhood mom’s of preschool kids, wine night (it fizzled after 15 months), joining our community pool, joining a gym, and switching our preschool to one that had more SAHMs. I’m still scratching my head.
Here for moral support.

OP here....this post sums up perfectly how I feel, and I'm glad I'm not the only one going through it! It is hard, because like you say, maybe this time in life is difficult to allocate time for friendships, but at the same time, people out there are making friends and manage to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I just wanted to tell you that I’m in a similar life phase of you and completely empathize with your situation!

I’m a mother of two toddlers whose kids also go to a community oriented pre- school and who lives a home in a family friendly DC suburb expecting to be able to make a bunch of close friends quickly with other new parents… but the reality we’ve only met one set of close neighbor or preschool friends in five years here. There are a handful of families we hang out with for play dates a few times a year, but my DH & eyes aren’t having deeply personal conversation conversations - or hanging out with the parents - outside of these playdates.

Like you, this is disappointed and surprise me, as I also grew up in a family that had many family friends in the neighborhood.

I suspect that this time in life is difficult for many to allocate actually going on, say, a double date with fellow parents to get to know them better as adults. I also suspect that a lot has changed in the era of social media and post Covid, where we know a lot more about each other’s lives and have less curiosity about each other because we realistically are able to peer into peoples lives through Facebook, Instagram, etc. People are also not picking up the phone or making outgoing calls to check in! Texting is rampant and casual, and doesn’t lead to in person bonding.

I have no solution for the problem you’re describing. Like you, I’ve tried many things, including a book club, a neighborhood mom’s of preschool kids, wine night (it fizzled after 15 months), joining our community pool, joining a gym, and switching our preschool to one that had more SAHMs. I’m still scratching my head.
Here for moral support.

I don't know if this is a factor but, as someone who has a lot of friends from different groups that I see regularly, I am not on social media and I know a lot of them are not. Therefore, our only way of keeping up with each other is text, calls, and in person get togethers. Maybe that's why we put the effort into spending time together? I'd never thought about it that way.