Feeling like social life has hit a ceiling....not sure where to go from here

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I think you need to have some more patience. It can take a long time to "break in" to established social groups and you already have made some connections as evidenced by the happy hour group and Pickleball group. And all of this despite having a new baby which makes it more difficult to socialize, you're doing great!

I would continue doing what you're doing and try inviting someone from the happy hour group or pickleball group out for a one on one activity to try to foster at least one closer friendship. You may find that you are never fully integrated into the groups you see hanging out separately and you have to be able to let that roll off your back.

For some perspective, we moved to a new state seven years ago (so about 18 months before COVID) and I have finally over the past two years feel like we are well established here and have strong social connections. It can just take a really long time to create these connections as an adult, especially when you and everyone you are meeting is maxed out raising young kids. You may end up clicking better with families you meet through the new baby who haven't even moved to town yet. Hang in there.

OP here, I appreciate the encouragement! I think that it's just a combination of seeing the other Mom's having these cozy get togethers doing fun fall things, and having the realization that we don't really have anyone that we could ask to do something socially with on a regular basis. A few weekends ago, we went to a kid-friendly brewery that has a giant playground, and I remember thinking "I can't think of anyone that I could ask to come here with us that I'm confident would say yes." I think that, because I see all these other Mom's within these larger groups doing things together, it has me reevaluating my places in these groups, and making me feel like I'm barely a fringe member of them.

This is a bit odd. Have you always been socially anxious? I can't be confident that my best friend would say yes to an activity because she also has a life and she might have something on her calendar that would make her unable to attend something I was doing. You need to put more invitations out there and then start doing things with the people who respond. My closest friends in my neighborhood right now are not the ones I would have pegged when we first moved here, but things change and people change and kids dictate more as they get older and you never know where life is going to take you. I say this gently but you seem to have this idea of how things should be instead of leaning into what you have and making it be what it can.

+1

OP it also took me a while to find my group after we moved from a place where we knew a ton of people through school/work and never had to "try" to make friends.

But actually just this weekend we did the kid-friendly winery thing and honestly I just texted a couple ppl earlier in the week and they ended up saying yes. It was great! Was I "confident" they would? No, because everyone is busy. But there was no downside to trying. Over time some of those hangouts pan out and others don't and yes you will feel closer to the people you end up spending time with.

[Anonymous]

You are neurotic OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have the social life you are looking for. Most weekends my friends and I get together, we bring our spouses and kids: hikes, dinner parties, various events. These are my friends from 20 years ago because we all still live in our hometown and built these bonds in our 20s, and now our kids are friends.

It's not something that can really be re-created midlife.

I'll respectfully disagree with you.

I also have the social life OP is looking for, but it's something we've created since moving to our current neighborhood when our twins were four, which was six years ago. Only one couple in our friend group grew up here, others are from PA, NY, CA, NJ, WI, KY, LA, NC, MD, and other cities in VA (but 4+ hours away). The keys for us have been:

- Move to a neighborhood with lots of kids (I'd say ours is probably 40% families with children, 40% retired couples, and 20% young couples without kids)
- Say yes to most invites (this is how you get to know people)
- Host things for whole families, just kids, and just adults (it's easier to get to know adults sometimes when the kids aren't there)
- Spend time one-on-one with the people you feel the closest to
- Prioritize socializing even if it isn't the easiest option

Our neighborhood is very walkable, which helps immensely, and we're all very outdoorsy so we spend a lot of time (weather permitting) at the pool, playing pickleball, biking, playing games outside, etc. When the weather sucks, or when things are on TV, we'll do inside events, mostly potluck style. The same large group is generally invited but not everyone comes to everything. We have two large dogs who can be a bit much with company so we plan carefully the events we host (some of which take place outside) and otherwise always contribute when someone else hosts (i.e. we bring food, drinks, help schedule/plan, etc.). I'm 45, our friends run from 35 to 55, the kids are 18 months (an outlier, most are at least five now) through 8th grade. We capitalize on holidays or events (Halloween, Super Bowl, Memorial Day, etc.) because people like to socialize then so we always have events planned for those days. Everything else is, hey, the Michigan game is on at 1 pm, come over for ribs and bring a side dish.

You definitely need like-minded people who enjoy being together, are willing to host, and who are easy going (sometimes plans get ruined, some stuff is last minute, etc.). You can only do so much if you're not around people who also want to socialize, but it sounds like OP is, she just needs to get into the group. I'd start by hosting stuff and trying to get to know people better.

[Anonymous]

I know families like this and it's like the stars have to align:
Both parents (this is crucial) super friendly and with excellent social skills. Most women only want to hang with you if your husbands can hang too.
All the kids are popular and easy going, no anxious kids
House in a central location and good for entertaining, as nice or nicer than their friends houses
Willing to take the lead on projects (running scout troop, coaching a sport)
These are the people who get this life. Sadly I have none of the above except I do take on school volunteer work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, hang in there. I suspect it will change organically as the kids get a little older. FWIW, my kids are graduated now and some of our closest friends we made on the soccer sidelines, at swim team practices and meets, and at our youngest child’s high school.

This, once the children are in preschool, you will get invites to kid's birthday parties and will mingle with different groups.
Also, I would say join the swimming pool/club asap. If kids join swim team or sports team, you all will meet more folks.
Invite co-workers to your home, sounds like you are doing the best you can! Try not to stress, your kids and work are keeping you and everyone busy so in the same boat!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you host pizza before trick or treating? Something in those tummies before all the sugar?

I like the idea of others new to the area.

I know…it feels like dating but with spouse and kids.

"Tummies" Yes, definitely put lots of fat and salt in those tummies!

[Anonymous]

Be careful about the mentality that every interaction builds to a social life. I have that mentality too, and the mentality has led to a lot of frustration on my part. Also, the mentality has led me to viewing interactions as more transactional. For me, I’m trying to work on socializing/interacting for the sake of it in the moment, rather than thinking about what it may lead to. It’s hard though as I’m just not wired that way!

[Anonymous]

OP, I completely understand. I have a subpar social life and it's something that bothers me every day.

I'm a mom of two middle schoolers who has never found a friend group or a mom village. I met some nice moms in playgroups when the kids were babies/toddlers, but those friendships faded as people moved away and the kids went to different preschools. I thought preschool would be the place where we finally made friends, but nope. No luck there. Then Covid happened when the kids were in Kinder/first grade, and we really lost touch with prior friends and social connections. Then started the kids at a private school and we were never accepted there, the kids made friends but I never did and the kids were not really invited to any playdates, other than birthday parties. Then switched them both to public in upper elementary and by then all playdates were drop off so I never was able to make mom friends, though I had mom acquaintances. The other thing is that because of the transient nature of this area, the kids made friends in elementary school and then many of those friends move out of state after a year.

Now in middle school my kids have school friends but other than birthday parties are not invited to anything. I don't know why. They invite kids to do things and the kids usually accept those invitations, but there's no reciprocation. They both have better luck with friends from Sunday School, who do invite them to things, and I am acquaintances with those moms, but no real friends.

So I have a few acqaintances and no real friends, and we are never invited to anything as a family. For example, this past summer we were never invited to anything. Though we hosted a few things at our house, like pizza and game night, etc., nothing was reciprocated.

I am really lonely, and it's been hard. What I have done that has helped somewhat to create a social life is join a lot of activity groups just for me. I enjoy the activities, I've met lots of women through those, and they are still acquaintances but I'm hoping that eventually some good friendships will form. I invite them to do things outside of the group, like coffee or walks. I have never been invited by one of them, but they accept my invites. Most of them are 5-15 years older than I am. I never had any luck with making peer mom friends for some reason, but have better luck with women who are empty nesters/retired.

I do think it's much harder to make friends in midlife.

[Anonymous]

Yummie Yummie Yummie I got Love in my Tummie
🤰

[Anonymous]

OP here with an update. I took some of the great advice provided here, and have been initiating smaller get togethers with some of the women that I enjoy spending time with in these groups, and it’s been going well; some responses, some rejections, but I remain optimistic. I’ve also been very intentional about limiting my social media use.

The other day, I was at my weekly pickleball match, when I overheard one of the women (who is part of one of the larger social circles that encompasses both neighborhood and synagogue people) mention that she hosted a New Year’s Eve party (which my family wasn’t invited to). Curiosity got the best of me, and I went on her social media page; turns out that a ton of people from this very large social circle were at said New Year’s Eve party, including people who I thought were on a much further out social circle than me! On one hand, I don’t particularly care for the woman who hosted the party, so it’s not like I thought she and I were best friends. On the other hand, it’s a big gut punch to see people who I thought were much further outside this social circle get invites over me. Adding insult to injury, the party hostess moved to the neighborhood basically the same time we did.

[Anonymous]

I think friend groups tend to be toxic and fake, and have always preferred on-on-one or very small groups at a time. And these happen organically. I met one of my closest friends at Back to School Night when our kids were in 9th grade. It’s all about being real and finding friends who are as well. You don’t need to be a cruise director.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update. I took some of the great advice provided here, and have been initiating smaller get togethers with some of the women that I enjoy spending time with in these groups, and it’s been going well; some responses, some rejections, but I remain optimistic. I’ve also been very intentional about limiting my social media use.

The other day, I was at my weekly pickleball match, when I overheard one of the women (who is part of one of the larger social circles that encompasses both neighborhood and synagogue people) mention that she hosted a New Year’s Eve party (which my family wasn’t invited to). Curiosity got the best of me, and I went on her social media page; turns out that a ton of people from this very large social circle were at said New Year’s Eve party, including people who I thought were on a much further out social circle than me! On one hand, I don’t particularly care for the woman who hosted the party, so it’s not like I thought she and I were best friends. On the other hand, it’s a big gut punch to see people who I thought were much further outside this social circle get invites over me. Adding insult to injury, the party hostess moved to the neighborhood basically the same time we did.

Op, keep trying with smaller group then one-on-one. Stop looking for trouble; what you don't know won't hurt you.

[Anonymous]

Have a boy

[Anonymous]

I have not read all the comments here but I think it will start to improve as your kids get older. I would look around at all the events from the outside when my kid started at a new school in K and wonder why we were not in the mix.

Now that my kid is in 8th I realize that what I was looking at were families with older kids who had more history. They were pretty insular...now that the kids are older I've become friends with some of them and one said she didn't bother to really extend herself when her youngest (my DD's friend) was in pK/K because for a lot of families it's a transient time so she wasn't sure who was staying or going. I think for others they had that "group" so they weren't going to jeopardize their spot by bringing in an unknown.

What helped was finding other new families who were also looking for friends, and being proactive. It takes time, you'll get there! It is kind of ridiculous, though, we are all adults so I'm a more then merrier person but have realized not everyone is.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm the poster above (9:42) and now have read all these and didn't realize they were from October. Don't worry about the NYE party, sounds like your instincts are right about the host so why go to a party where you don't like the person throwing it. Keep doing the stuff that is working!

I'm the one with the 8th grader and watched (also on social media) the collapse of what appeared the most fun, vibrant, bestie friend group at the school...so concentrate on what is working for you and your family and don't worry about the rest.