Feeling like social life has hit a ceiling....not sure where to go from here

[Anonymous]

DH and I moved from several states away to a suburb of a large city four years ago, with our then one year old daughter. We made the move to be closer to my parents (who live about an hour away), and chose this specific suburb because it was very family friendly. Both DH and I grew up in families with strong friendship between family friends, and we hoped for that for our children as well. Initially, we rented for the first two years we lived here, because we weren't ready to commit to buying. The neighborhood where our rental was didn't have a lot of families, and we found that it was pretty isolating, so we sought out to find a more family friendly neighborhood to buy a house.

We bought a house in a very family friendly neighborhood with lots of kids our daughters' age, and dove head first into integrating ourselves into the community, enrolling our daughter in a synagogue preschool that many others in our neighborhood send their kids to, and attended almost all of the events they put on for families. We also attended many neighborhood events put on by our HOA. While there are definitely cliques within both of these groups, almost everyone I met seemed very nice and welcoming. We met a lot of people right off the bat, and it was great to run into people we knew around the neighborhood. Eventually, I was able to connect with some of the other moms from the preschool, and was included in a group that goes out to happy hours/drinks about once a month, as well as a pickleball group through the synagogue. Being in these groups had a positive impact on my mental health, as I didn’t realize how isolated we were for the previous two years, and I felt confident that we’d be able to build the solid, long lasting friendships I’d been hoping for.

However, things stalled out after the first year of living in our neighborhood. Our family has been going to the synagogue/neighborhood events, and we’re still having friendly conversations with people, but I know these groups of people are having outside get togethers that we’re not invited to. Similarly, I still go to the drinks/happy hour group and pickleball group, and it’s the same thing. Our son was born last fall, which put socializing on the backburner for a few months, but I’ve been trying to get back out there.

I remained hopeful that things would improve when our daughter entered kindergarten this fall, but that hasn’t been the case. I joined a new Moms group, but didn’t really click with anyone there. I joined the PTA at our daughters school, and while everyone that I’ve met thus far is really nice, it feels like they already have their pre-established cliques. I also volunteered to be the room parent, but none of the other parents in the class really seem interested in connecting.

I just don’t know where to go from here. I’ve always been telling myself that every interaction, no matter how small, is building towards something bigger, but at this point, it’s been two years, and I feel like, when are these deeper friendships going to come to fruition? Like in the two years we’ve been here, we’ve never been invited into another families house. I still go to as many events as I can, but it’s gotten to the point where I walk away from these events feeling, at best, neutral, and at worst, discouraged and depressed, whereas I used to walk away feeling energized and hopeful. It’s hard because, again, 90% of everyone I met is so nice, but I just can’t seem to find my way into these deeper friendships. I feel like I’m doing as much as I can in terms of putting myself out there, and socializing with everyone, but when I see on social media how our others are having these halloween parties and backyard firepit hangs, I just get so sad that we can’t break our way into those groups to have those connections.

[Anonymous]

Have you invited anyone to your house, OP? Sometimes you have to be the organizer. I wouldn't say I have deep friendships with other moms, but hosting my own firepit hangs or organizing a happy hour has helped. It takes time but if you could be initiating more then it hasn't peaked, you still have room to grow!

[Anonymous]

I so empathize as I experienced something similar when my kids were little. I recommend you focus on cultivating one on one friendships. Find someone with whom you really click and ask them to do something one on one or with your spouses. Once you have a close real friendship the group thing can evolve. But without that even if you were included in all the group activities you might still feel lonely.

Also go you work outside the home? If so, that is a legit barrier to close friendships with the moms at home only because you can’t put as much face time in.

Good luck and be patient. I promise you’ll get there but it does take a very long time.

[Anonymous]

Just because people hang with each other and have chemistry, doesn’t mean it’s a clique.

Give it time. Proximity doesn’t necessarily mean chemistry.

Agree that you should invite people over. I host often and try to invite different groups, and I’m still surprised but how entitled some people are re: invites. People who get huffy and pissy and never reciprocate.

Another thing to consider is that it’s tough with preschool aged kids and younger. It’s just much harder. The kids just require a lot of supervision. Once kids hit early elementary becomes easier.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I've initiated one-on-one get togethers/smaller hangouts, and those were fun, but I got discouraged when they weren't reciprocated. I can definitely try that again, though.

Re: the point about once kids hitting early elementary age, things get easier, I can see why that's true. However, I think that's part of my frustration, in that I felt like in the back of my mind that once DD went to Kindergarten, things would improve as there would be more people to met. However, thus far, the other families in DDs class aren't really interested in connecting.

Re: being patient, I certainly understand that this doesn't happen overnight. At the same time, it's been two years of living in this neighborhood and being exposed to this social circle, and I just worry that, at some point, this just isn't going to happen for us. Perhaps this is anecdotical, but I do worry that the older kids get, the less likely other parents are going to be open to new friendships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I've initiated one-on-one get togethers/smaller hangouts, and those were fun, but I got discouraged when they weren't reciprocated. I can definitely try that again, though.

Re: the point about once kids hitting early elementary age, things get easier, I can see why that's true. However, I think that's part of my frustration, in that I felt like in the back of my mind that once DD went to Kindergarten, things would improve as there would be more people to met. However, thus far, the other families in DDs class aren't really interested in connecting.

Re: being patient, I certainly understand that this doesn't happen overnight. At the same time, it's been two years of living in this neighborhood and being exposed to this social circle, and I just worry that, at some point, this just isn't going to happen for us. Perhaps this is anecdotical, but I do worry that the older kids get, the less likely other parents are going to be open to new friendships.

Possibly. Kids plan their own things as they get older. You hardly even meet the parents of your kids' friends. Your desire for "family friends" is valid. It sounds like you want to do exactly what your parents had and what you had because of the friendships they had. But you may never get that type of a social life.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I think you need to have some more patience. It can take a long time to "break in" to established social groups and you already have made some connections as evidenced by the happy hour group and Pickleball group. And all of this despite having a new baby which makes it more difficult to socialize, you're doing great!

I would continue doing what you're doing and try inviting someone from the happy hour group or pickleball group out for a one on one activity to try to foster at least one closer friendship. You may find that you are never fully integrated into the groups you see hanging out separately and you have to be able to let that roll off your back.

For some perspective, we moved to a new state seven years ago (so about 18 months before COVID) and I have finally over the past two years feel like we are well established here and have strong social connections. It can just take a really long time to create these connections as an adult, especially when you and everyone you are meeting is maxed out raising young kids. You may end up clicking better with families you meet through the new baby who haven't even moved to town yet. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I think you need to have some more patience. It can take a long time to "break in" to established social groups and you already have made some connections as evidenced by the happy hour group and Pickleball group. And all of this despite having a new baby which makes it more difficult to socialize, you're doing great!

I would continue doing what you're doing and try inviting someone from the happy hour group or pickleball group out for a one on one activity to try to foster at least one closer friendship. You may find that you are never fully integrated into the groups you see hanging out separately and you have to be able to let that roll off your back.

For some perspective, we moved to a new state seven years ago (so about 18 months before COVID) and I have finally over the past two years feel like we are well established here and have strong social connections. It can just take a really long time to create these connections as an adult, especially when you and everyone you are meeting is maxed out raising young kids. You may end up clicking better with families you meet through the new baby who haven't even moved to town yet. Hang in there.

OP here, I appreciate the encouragement! I think that it's just a combination of seeing the other Mom's having these cozy get togethers doing fun fall things, and having the realization that we don't really have anyone that we could ask to do something socially with on a regular basis. A few weekends ago, we went to a kid-friendly brewery that has a giant playground, and I remember thinking "I can't think of anyone that I could ask to come here with us that I'm confident would say yes." I think that, because I see all these other Mom's within these larger groups doing things together, it has me reevaluating my places in these groups, and making me feel like I'm barely a fringe member of them.

[Anonymous]

If you want a "back door" way to building friendships, have your DH initially set things up. Men care a lot less about "cliques" and so on, so have him befriend a day or two, then invite the couple + kids over for playdate/lunch/etc

[Anonymous]

Do you find that you’re feeling this way because you’re seeing it on social media? We have a fairly robust social life, but I still find that if I see a group hanging out on instagram, even if it’s people I’m not particularly close to, my first instinct is often to feel left out or wonder why I wasn’t also doing something amazing while they were. This happens even when I’m tired and so happy to be on my couch and truly wouldn’t have even wanted to go out!

All that to say that maybe you should take a social media break and continue doing what you’re doing socially, invite people to hang out more often, and try not to let comparison be the thief of joy? I can really relate, and I know that social media is largely the problem for me, and I’d be probably be much happier if instagram was never invented!

[Anonymous]

I get it OP. Story of my life.
My oldest is 10 now. I still don't have a friend group. I have 4 or 5 moms who I am confident would come with me to something like a fall festival and our kids get along. However they arent friends with each other and we never, ever socialize with our husbands. I know they have parties etc with other families. I get sad when I see these dads shaking hands and laughing and we are on the fringe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you find that you’re feeling this way because you’re seeing it on social media? We have a fairly robust social life, but I still find that if I see a group hanging out on instagram, even if it’s people I’m not particularly close to, my first instinct is often to feel left out or wonder why I wasn’t also doing something amazing while they were. This happens even when I’m tired and so happy to be on my couch and truly wouldn’t have even wanted to go out!

All that to say that maybe you should take a social media break and continue doing what you’re doing socially, invite people to hang out more often, and try not to let comparison be the thief of joy? I can really relate, and I know that social media is largely the problem for me, and I’d be probably be much happier if instagram was never invented!

OP here. Probably a little bit. I started feeling a little down on our overall social situation a few months ago, but kind of justified it/stuck my head in the sand and just thought "well maybe other people just aren't hanging out either, and it's that season of life," but seeing stuff on social media exasperated it. Probably a good idea to limit the social media use, though!

[Anonymous]

I definitely feel the pain. I also have 2 kids and I can say it's been much easier (almost no effort) to make friends with through one kid and very very difficult with the younger DS. Nothing about the kids it's just different cohorts have different personalities, so from the outside, we look like part of the clique with one kid, and way outside with the younger. I tried much harder with the younger kid too (I still try).

Lastly many of the get togethers and friendships actually solidified for us after 3rd grade and after everyone no longer had babies and toddlers, so there is hope when the kids are older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I definitely feel the pain. I also have 2 kids and I can say it's been much easier (almost no effort) to make friends with through one kid and very very difficult with the younger DS. Nothing about the kids it's just different cohorts have different personalities, so from the outside, we look like part of the clique with one kid, and way outside with the younger. I tried much harder with the younger kid too (I still try).

Lastly many of the get togethers and friendships actually solidified for us after 3rd grade and after everyone no longer had babies and toddlers, so there is hope when the kids are older.

OP here, thanks, this is encouraging! This actually reflects our situation; the cohort of kids a year older and a year younger than us in our daughters preschool had a close, tight knit group of parents, but our class was this odd mix of parents who were friendly but clearly weren't in the market for new friends and people who didn't want to get involved.

[Anonymous]

Oy vey