Feeling like social life has hit a ceiling....not sure where to go from here

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d change your mindset that you will need to invite or initiate a lot. I’d arrange a low stakes but regular invites. “Come over for pizza and the game, don’t bring a thing!” Or “we’re lighting the firepit tonight, come make some smores!” And then do your plan whether anyone comes over or not. Same with the brewery. I would have just blasted a bunch of the moms you know with the invite, and proceeded to take my family with no expectations anyone else will come.

Half the battle is just making the invite. Yes it might be one sided for a bit, but the friends you’re really going to click with will enjoy it.

Excellent advice. This is what I do. There will be three or four events in a row where nobody bites and then a weekend where we have three events. People are busy. Law of averages and all that.

The birthday party circuit will help fill up the calendar, but I gently advise you to stop using time with others to fill up an internal hole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get off social media.

+100
This is the first step.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I moved from several states away to a suburb of a large city four years ago, with our then one year old daughter. We made the move to be closer to my parents (who live about an hour away), and chose this specific suburb because it was very family friendly. Both DH and I grew up in families with strong friendship between family friends, and we hoped for that for our children as well. Initially, we rented for the first two years we lived here, because we weren't ready to commit to buying. The neighborhood where our rental was didn't have a lot of families, and we found that it was pretty isolating, so we sought out to find a more family friendly neighborhood to buy a house.

We bought a house in a very family friendly neighborhood with lots of kids our daughters' age, and dove head first into integrating ourselves into the community, enrolling our daughter in a synagogue preschool that many others in our neighborhood send their kids to, and attended almost all of the events they put on for families. We also attended many neighborhood events put on by our HOA. While there are definitely cliques within both of these groups, almost everyone I met seemed very nice and welcoming. We met a lot of people right off the bat, and it was great to run into people we knew around the neighborhood. Eventually, I was able to connect with some of the other moms from the preschool, and was included in a group that goes out to happy hours/drinks about once a month, as well as a pickleball group through the synagogue. Being in these groups had a positive impact on my mental health, as I didn’t realize how isolated we were for the previous two years, and I felt confident that we’d be able to build the solid, long lasting friendships I’d been hoping for.

However, things stalled out after the first year of living in our neighborhood. Our family has been going to the synagogue/neighborhood events, and we’re still having friendly conversations with people, but I know these groups of people are having outside get togethers that we’re not invited to. Similarly, I still go to the drinks/happy hour group and pickleball group, and it’s the same thing. Our son was born last fall, which put socializing on the backburner for a few months, but I’ve been trying to get back out there.

I remained hopeful that things would improve when our daughter entered kindergarten this fall, but that hasn’t been the case. I joined a new Moms group, but didn’t really click with anyone there. I joined the PTA at our daughters school, and while everyone that I’ve met thus far is really nice, it feels like they already have their pre-established cliques. I also volunteered to be the room parent, but none of the other parents in the class really seem interested in connecting.

I just don’t know where to go from here. I’ve always been telling myself that every interaction, no matter how small, is building towards something bigger, but at this point, it’s been two years, and I feel like, when are these deeper friendships going to come to fruition? Like in the two years we’ve been here, we’ve never been invited into another families house. I still go to as many events as I can, but it’s gotten to the point where I walk away from these events feeling, at best, neutral, and at worst, discouraged and depressed, whereas I used to walk away feeling energized and hopeful. It’s hard because, again, 90% of everyone I met is so nice, but I just can’t seem to find my way into these deeper friendships. I feel like I’m doing as much as I can in terms of putting myself out there, and socializing with everyone, but when I see on social media how our others are having these halloween parties and backyard firepit hangs, I just get so sad that we can’t break our way into those groups to have those connections.

You need to host things and invite people. Simple. They will come and hopefully reciprocate and invite you to theirs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I moved from several states away to a suburb of a large city four years ago, with our then one year old daughter. We made the move to be closer to my parents (who live about an hour away), and chose this specific suburb because it was very family friendly. Both DH and I grew up in families with strong friendship between family friends, and we hoped for that for our children as well. Initially, we rented for the first two years we lived here, because we weren't ready to commit to buying. The neighborhood where our rental was didn't have a lot of families, and we found that it was pretty isolating, so we sought out to find a more family friendly neighborhood to buy a house.

We bought a house in a very family friendly neighborhood with lots of kids our daughters' age, and dove head first into integrating ourselves into the community, enrolling our daughter in a synagogue preschool that many others in our neighborhood send their kids to, and attended almost all of the events they put on for families. We also attended many neighborhood events put on by our HOA. While there are definitely cliques within both of these groups, almost everyone I met seemed very nice and welcoming. We met a lot of people right off the bat, and it was great to run into people we knew around the neighborhood. Eventually, I was able to connect with some of the other moms from the preschool, and was included in a group that goes out to happy hours/drinks about once a month, as well as a pickleball group through the synagogue. Being in these groups had a positive impact on my mental health, as I didn’t realize how isolated we were for the previous two years, and I felt confident that we’d be able to build the solid, long lasting friendships I’d been hoping for.

However, things stalled out after the first year of living in our neighborhood. Our family has been going to the synagogue/neighborhood events, and we’re still having friendly conversations with people, but I know these groups of people are having outside get togethers that we’re not invited to. Similarly, I still go to the drinks/happy hour group and pickleball group, and it’s the same thing. Our son was born last fall, which put socializing on the backburner for a few months, but I’ve been trying to get back out there.

I remained hopeful that things would improve when our daughter entered kindergarten this fall, but that hasn’t been the case. I joined a new Moms group, but didn’t really click with anyone there. I joined the PTA at our daughters school, and while everyone that I’ve met thus far is really nice, it feels like they already have their pre-established cliques. I also volunteered to be the room parent, but none of the other parents in the class really seem interested in connecting.

I just don’t know where to go from here. I’ve always been telling myself that every interaction, no matter how small, is building towards something bigger, but at this point, it’s been two years, and I feel like, when are these deeper friendships going to come to fruition? Like in the two years we’ve been here, we’ve never been invited into another families house. I still go to as many events as I can, but it’s gotten to the point where I walk away from these events feeling, at best, neutral, and at worst, discouraged and depressed, whereas I used to walk away feeling energized and hopeful. It’s hard because, again, 90% of everyone I met is so nice, but I just can’t seem to find my way into these deeper friendships. I feel like I’m doing as much as I can in terms of putting myself out there, and socializing with everyone, but when I see on social media how our others are having these halloween parties and backyard firepit hangs, I just get so sad that we can’t break our way into those groups to have those connections.

You need to host things and invite people. Simple. They will come and hopefully reciprocate and invite you to theirs.

PP here adding on. Agree in Kindergarten parents attend the bday parties so you will definitely meet many people there! Hang in there. Some of these comments have been really cruel and I don't get it. You sound nice and normal and yes these things can change but I think another poster made a good point. You had a new baby etc... pregnant - at least for me I was in a major transition period. Once again host something for families - be inclusive so for example all of the class meet up after school or on sunday afternoon - you provide the pizza or whatnot and if others offer to bring something say sure they can bring some drinks.. It will get better. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Adding to the other helpful comments- consider sports, even coaching. So helpful to meet other kids and parents. We also tend to host end of season parties which have been helpful in expanding our circle. Good luck!!

[Anonymous]

You have just barely entered the elementary school years, give it time! And definitely follow PP’s advice about inviting lots of people to casual things. Don’t be discouraged if you have no takers at first, keep trying! And birthday parties and sports!

Also, don’t get so hung up on this idea of life long perfect family friends. My kids range from mid-elementary to HS and we don’t have any really super close friendships like you’re talking about, but we have lots and lots of friends and have a very fulfilling social life. We do have some friends that have those unicorn family friendships, and it usually happens when families have kids the same ages. A lot of our friendships start with kids who are friends and we host play dates or meet up at the playground. And then if I hit it off with the mom, and my DH hits it off with the dad, we’re all inclined to hang out more. But when they have siblings around the same age as my other kids?? Amazing. When my oldest was in K, he happened to befriend kids who were the youngest in their families. So when I would hang out with those moms, they were talking about applying for private middle school or tween period kits, while I had a newborn and a toddler and more focused on breastfeeding and potty training. SO, maybe target some families that also have a baby in the house!

[Anonymous]

I think you need to find happiness or at least become content in the life you have and stop trying to compare it your childhood. Times have changed (social media, wfh, kids' activities) and your memories are probably rose colored. There's a strong chance your parents felt some of the same frustration in their social life but you were never aware of it.

[Anonymous]

We move every 3 years for my husband's job, always overseas. My advice for making friends is to find other "new" people. I know you've been in your neighborhood for 2 years, but obviously you're still on the outside looking in. Find other newbies and you'll see that they are much more open to new friendships.

[Anonymous]

1. Don’t fall into the trap of needing to recreate your childhood dynamics. You are running your own race. Your parents didn’t have the internet or smartphones, which both amplify and diminish authentic relationship building. Don’t feel like you’re a failure because your kids aren’t growing up with “Aunt” Jenny and “Uncle” Tom as part of their world. You are running your own race.

2. I lived in New England for 8 years. My tight mom group of friends I only stumbled into year 7. I know that is cold comfort but you can’t force true connection. Had plenty of false starts and casual friendships.

3. What do you like to do? Find those corners of the world, keep showing up through love of subject and you might make close friends with older or younger women, not just peer moms. The synagogue is an awesome place to seek out those connections through service. And if it’s not sparking, try a different synagogue?

4. I feel you. I grew up with a huge Irish Catholic extended family of cousins and baptism parties and crazy aunts and uncles smoking while gesticulating and storytelling. My kids have 3 childless aunts and uncles, 2 of whom are uninterested in a relationship. But we are running our own race in life not recreating our own childhood!

[Anonymous]

Close relationships are formed by proximity and/or frequency. Focus on neighbors and people you see regularly and do lots of casual inviting like PP’s have said. Be open to people in different life stages. Some of my closest friends are much older or younger than I am. Do not waste any time chasing the cliques.

[Anonymous]

I imagine something ongoing might help. A book club. A mother-daughter book club. Something that repeats at a set time, every 4 to 6 weeks,rotating host homes. You host the first.

Even an annual something…Apple-picking, Hanukah, something.

[Anonymous]

Can you host pizza before trick or treating? Something in those tummies before all the sugar?

I like the idea of others new to the area.

I know…it feels like dating but with spouse and kids.

[Anonymous]

So you've really had some terrific advice which I'll sum up as

1. get off social media, its a negative space
2. invite people to lots of things, keep at it
3. get to know other new people in the same boat

I want to add a couple of things. The first thing is that I have my friendships based around a particular interest of mine that only I do - I don't do it with DH or either of my kids (teens). So it's not feeding into big group activity with families, but it is satisfying my need for friendship and commonality.

The second thing is to watch your demeanor when meeting new people. If you're feeling lonely, it is easy to weigh too much into an interaction and place too much hope it will develop into a close friendship. I've done this and I see many other people doing it too. If you're more relaxed and see it as a long-term project you will come across as more confident (even when you're not) and that is more attractive to people when it comes to making friends.

[Anonymous]

I have the social life you are looking for. Most weekends my friends and I get together, we bring our spouses and kids: hikes, dinner parties, various events. These are my friends from 20 years ago because we all still live in our hometown and built these bonds in our 20s, and now our kids are friends.

It's not something that can really be re-created midlife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We move every 3 years for my husband's job, always overseas. My advice for making friends is to find other "new" people. I know you've been in your neighborhood for 2 years, but obviously you're still on the outside looking in. Find other newbies and you'll see that they are much more open to new friendships.

Much easier said than done. I also lived overseas for 10 years, moving every two or three. I didn't appreciate the easy friendships that lifestyle offered until I moved back to the states.