Feeling like social life has hit a ceiling....not sure where to go from here

[Anonymous]

OP can I ask a genuine question? How personally fulfilled do you feel, and how are things at home? I’m just reading this incredibly intense focus on external socializing and it’s exhausting. With a spouse, a toddler, a baby, and at least one parent who lives an hour away, I’m just really struck at what feels like an urgent sense or need for near constant socializing. I’m not being critical of that at all. And I’m not particularly a homebody. It just feels like there’s a lot of unmet need on your part and I’m wondering what that’s about. I have lots of friends and I absolutely value their place in my life. So it’s really important. It’s just that the stage of life you’re describing is generally really busy for most of us and it’s curious that it seems like it feels so lacking to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update. I took some of the great advice provided here, and have been initiating smaller get togethers with some of the women that I enjoy spending time with in these groups, and it’s been going well; some responses, some rejections, but I remain optimistic. I’ve also been very intentional about limiting my social media use.

The other day, I was at my weekly pickleball match, when I overheard one of the women (who is part of one of the larger social circles that encompasses both neighborhood and synagogue people) mention that she hosted a New Year’s Eve party (which my family wasn’t invited to). Curiosity got the best of me, and I went on her social media page; turns out that a ton of people from this very large social circle were at said New Year’s Eve party, including people who I thought were on a much further out social circle than me! On one hand, I don’t particularly care for the woman who hosted the party, so it’s not like I thought she and I were best friends. On the other hand, it’s a big gut punch to see people who I thought were much further outside this social circle get invites over me. Adding insult to injury, the party hostess moved to the neighborhood basically the same time we did.

Glad you have been initiating and having some success. Good that you limit social media use. Try to wean yourself off if you can.

I will say the benefit of having plenty of life stressors over the years (ill and then dying parent, one child with special needs and medical issues, husband's medical emergency, etc) is that I just don't care about this stuff. Health is wealth. I have good friends and never enjoyed the friend group thing. My parents had what you desire and there was so much gossip and competition too and some of them turned into frenemies. Plus, people would get upset that as kids got older, they would be polite but were not turning into best friends because kids chose their own friends. Also, plenty of people got together in their own groups too. That should be seen as normal.

I think you are doing the right things and need to continue to enjoy the process of meeting people and connecting. Continue to savor what you have and how far you have come and don't be so focused on rigid goals and visions. People may sense you want something that they just cannot give you. Every friendship you form is a gift even if it doesn't turn into a family friendship and even if they don't get into hosting parties or whatever.

I find people who post friend gatherings on social media past the age of 22 are not my type of people. I actually found out a "friend" had posted photos with me in them and my some with my kids and I created an account o verify. I then politely asked her to take them down. She did and stopped talking to me. I'm just glad she respected my wishes and privacy, and it she dumped me for that, she definitely is not my type of person. She also posted so many photos of she and her husband on dates and getaways without the kids. They are getting divorced, so I don't think the photos people post tell you much about the quality of relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP can I ask a genuine question? How personally fulfilled do you feel, and how are things at home? I’m just reading this incredibly intense focus on external socializing and it’s exhausting. With a spouse, a toddler, a baby, and at least one parent who lives an hour away, I’m just really struck at what feels like an urgent sense or need for near constant socializing. I’m not being critical of that at all. And I’m not particularly a homebody. It just feels like there’s a lot of unmet need on your part and I’m wondering what that’s about. I have lots of friends and I absolutely value their place in my life. So it’s really important. It’s just that the stage of life you’re describing is generally really busy for most of us and it’s curious that it seems like it feels so lacking to you.

OP here; it's a valid question, but I actually feel like everything else in my life is in a really great place for the first time in a while. Both kids are happy and healthy, DH and I's marriage is in the best state it's been since we had kids, work is fulfilling, my parents are healthy after a few scores over the past year. I guess when I sit down and think about it, my life is pretty good, but close friendships is really the only thing that's lacking. Now that all the other "things" in my life (marriage, kids, work) is settled for the first time in a while, the lack of friendships is coming more to the forefront.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP can I ask a genuine question? How personally fulfilled do you feel, and how are things at home? I’m just reading this incredibly intense focus on external socializing and it’s exhausting. With a spouse, a toddler, a baby, and at least one parent who lives an hour away, I’m just really struck at what feels like an urgent sense or need for near constant socializing. I’m not being critical of that at all. And I’m not particularly a homebody. It just feels like there’s a lot of unmet need on your part and I’m wondering what that’s about. I have lots of friends and I absolutely value their place in my life. So it’s really important. It’s just that the stage of life you’re describing is generally really busy for most of us and it’s curious that it seems like it feels so lacking to you.

OP here; it's a valid question, but I actually feel like everything else in my life is in a really great place for the first time in a while. Both kids are happy and healthy, DH and I's marriage is in the best state it's been since we had kids, work is fulfilling, my parents are healthy after a few scores over the past year. I guess when I sit down and think about it, my life is pretty good, but close friendships is really the only thing that's lacking. Now that all the other "things" in my life (marriage, kids, work) is settled for the first time in a while, the lack of friendships is coming more to the forefront.

That’s fair. Were you able to retain close friendships from college or grad school? Are you living remotely from where you grew up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP can I ask a genuine question? How personally fulfilled do you feel, and how are things at home? I’m just reading this incredibly intense focus on external socializing and it’s exhausting. With a spouse, a toddler, a baby, and at least one parent who lives an hour away, I’m just really struck at what feels like an urgent sense or need for near constant socializing. I’m not being critical of that at all. And I’m not particularly a homebody. It just feels like there’s a lot of unmet need on your part and I’m wondering what that’s about. I have lots of friends and I absolutely value their place in my life. So it’s really important. It’s just that the stage of life you’re describing is generally really busy for most of us and it’s curious that it seems like it feels so lacking to you.

OP here; it's a valid question, but I actually feel like everything else in my life is in a really great place for the first time in a while. Both kids are happy and healthy, DH and I's marriage is in the best state it's been since we had kids, work is fulfilling, my parents are healthy after a few scores over the past year. I guess when I sit down and think about it, my life is pretty good, but close friendships is really the only thing that's lacking. Now that all the other "things" in my life (marriage, kids, work) is settled for the first time in a while, the lack of friendships is coming more to the forefront.

That’s fair. Were you able to retain close friendships from college or grad school? Are you living remotely from where you grew up?

OP here. I have a group of close friends from college, but they are located all over the country. Similarly, I also have a group of close friends from our previous city (roughly a two hour flight from where we are now), but again, they mostly all live in said city. We're about an hour from where I grew up, and where my parents still live. To be honest, I never had close friends in high school. I've keep in very loose touch with some people I knew from that stage in life, but no one I'd consider to be a friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I moved from several states away to a suburb of a large city four years ago, with our then one year old daughter. We made the move to be closer to my parents (who live about an hour away), and chose this specific suburb because it was very family friendly. Both DH and I grew up in families with strong friendship between family friends, and we hoped for that for our children as well. Initially, we rented for the first two years we lived here, because we weren't ready to commit to buying. The neighborhood where our rental was didn't have a lot of families, and we found that it was pretty isolating, so we sought out to find a more family friendly neighborhood to buy a house.

We bought a house in a very family friendly neighborhood with lots of kids our daughters' age, and dove head first into integrating ourselves into the community, enrolling our daughter in a synagogue preschool that many others in our neighborhood send their kids to, and attended almost all of the events they put on for families. We also attended many neighborhood events put on by our HOA. While there are definitely cliques within both of these groups, almost everyone I met seemed very nice and welcoming. We met a lot of people right off the bat, and it was great to run into people we knew around the neighborhood. Eventually, I was able to connect with some of the other moms from the preschool, and was included in a group that goes out to happy hours/drinks about once a month, as well as a pickleball group through the synagogue. Being in these groups had a positive impact on my mental health, as I didn’t realize how isolated we were for the previous two years, and I felt confident that we’d be able to build the solid, long lasting friendships I’d been hoping for.

However, things stalled out after the first year of living in our neighborhood. Our family has been going to the synagogue/neighborhood events, and we’re still having friendly conversations with people, but I know these groups of people are having outside get togethers that we’re not invited to. Similarly, I still go to the drinks/happy hour group and pickleball group, and it’s the same thing. Our son was born last fall, which put socializing on the backburner for a few months, but I’ve been trying to get back out there.

I remained hopeful that things would improve when our daughter entered kindergarten this fall, but that hasn’t been the case. I joined a new Moms group, but didn’t really click with anyone there. I joined the PTA at our daughters school, and while everyone that I’ve met thus far is really nice, it feels like they already have their pre-established cliques. I also volunteered to be the room parent, but none of the other parents in the class really seem interested in connecting.

I just don’t know where to go from here. I’ve always been telling myself that every interaction, no matter how small, is building towards something bigger, but at this point, it’s been two years, and I feel like, when are these deeper friendships going to come to fruition? Like in the two years we’ve been here, we’ve never been invited into another families house. I still go to as many events as I can, but it’s gotten to the point where I walk away from these events feeling, at best, neutral, and at worst, discouraged and depressed, whereas I used to walk away feeling energized and hopeful. It’s hard because, again, 90% of everyone I met is so nice, but I just can’t seem to find my way into these deeper friendships. I feel like I’m doing as much as I can in terms of putting myself out there, and socializing with everyone, but when I see on social media how our others are having these halloween parties and backyard firepit hangs, I just get so sad that we can’t break our way into those groups to have those connections.

New families to the school and neighborhood will be your people. If others are closed off then keep open to meeting new families. I assume new families come to the school at some point? People can be so closed minded about letting people into their world. I do not get it. Maybe try something outside of the synagogue etc.. I assume you are Jewish? Try joining another group or activity. Also, try hosting a party or gathering once or twice a year. You must host things even if just low key to be reciprocated. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

My kids are teens and young adults now, but the closets friends I’ve made through the years are work friends and neighbors whose kids were involved in the same activities as ours—mostly travel sports. It’s relatively easy to build friendships when you are on the same sidelines together weekly. We also got lucky with one neighbor who loves to host and always appreciated us bringing drinks and things for the grill to their parties.

[Anonymous]

Op you’re trying too hard. Focus on what you have going for you and enjoy your life.

I experienced something similar and once I focused on what I do have going for me, things improved.

Or maybe they won’t. But find activities to fill your time, plan fun vacations and enjoy your home.

[Anonymous]

OP do you work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

New families to the school and neighborhood will be your people. If others are closed off then keep open to meeting new families. I assume new families come to the school at some point? People can be so closed minded about letting people into their world. I do not get it. Maybe try something outside of the synagogue etc.. I assume you are Jewish? Try joining another group or activity. Also, try hosting a party or gathering once or twice a year. You must host things even if just low key to be reciprocated. Good luck.

OP here. I've thought about this too, if nothing else, for a change of pace, but I'm struggling to come up with ideas. I don't really have any hobbies. I tried joining a book club through our local library, and while the women I met were nice, they were all at least 25 years older than me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update. I took some of the great advice provided here, and have been initiating smaller get togethers with some of the women that I enjoy spending time with in these groups, and it’s been going well; some responses, some rejections, but I remain optimistic. I’ve also been very intentional about limiting my social media use.

The other day, I was at my weekly pickleball match, when I overheard one of the women (who is part of one of the larger social circles that encompasses both neighborhood and synagogue people) mention that she hosted a New Year’s Eve party (which my family wasn’t invited to). Curiosity got the best of me, and I went on her social media page; turns out that a ton of people from this very large social circle were at said New Year’s Eve party, including people who I thought were on a much further out social circle than me! On one hand, I don’t particularly care for the woman who hosted the party, so it’s not like I thought she and I were best friends. On the other hand, it’s a big gut punch to see people who I thought were much further outside this social circle get invites over me. Adding insult to injury, the party hostess moved to the neighborhood basically the same time we did.

This is likely why you weren't invited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update. I took some of the great advice provided here, and have been initiating smaller get togethers with some of the women that I enjoy spending time with in these groups, and it’s been going well; some responses, some rejections, but I remain optimistic. I’ve also been very intentional about limiting my social media use.

The other day, I was at my weekly pickleball match, when I overheard one of the women (who is part of one of the larger social circles that encompasses both neighborhood and synagogue people) mention that she hosted a New Year’s Eve party (which my family wasn’t invited to). Curiosity got the best of me, and I went on her social media page; turns out that a ton of people from this very large social circle were at said New Year’s Eve party, including people who I thought were on a much further out social circle than me! On one hand, I don’t particularly care for the woman who hosted the party, so it’s not like I thought she and I were best friends. On the other hand, it’s a big gut punch to see people who I thought were much further outside this social circle get invites over me. Adding insult to injury, the party hostess moved to the neighborhood basically the same time we did.

Sounds like she's putting in the work then

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

New families to the school and neighborhood will be your people. If others are closed off then keep open to meeting new families. I assume new families come to the school at some point? People can be so closed minded about letting people into their world. I do not get it. Maybe try something outside of the synagogue etc.. I assume you are Jewish? Try joining another group or activity. Also, try hosting a party or gathering once or twice a year. You must host things even if just low key to be reciprocated. Good luck.

OP here. I've thought about this too, if nothing else, for a change of pace, but I'm struggling to come up with ideas. I don't really have any hobbies. I tried joining a book club through our local library, and while the women I met were nice, they were all at least 25 years older than me.

Start your own book club. If you have a list of 8-10 women who know each other, send a text and ask whose interested. Lay out the rough idea and see who is interested. You only need 3-5 people to show up to make it interesting. How mine works: we meet every 4-6 weeks to discuss a book, whoever chooses the book hosts the gathering, everyone is expected to host in a rotation. When we meet varies, sometimes it's a Sunday brunch, sometimes it's a week night, sometimes a Saturday night. If you can't come, oh well. If you don't read the book, oh well. We chat about the book, and other things. Sometimes it lasts 2 hours, sometimes 4. It just depends. The host provides a few small snacks and the guests bring a bottle of wine (or what they like to drink).

[Anonymous]

I live in a neighborhood like this- there have to be others that feel the way you do. Try to focus on them instead of trying to get into one of the pre-determined groups. The easiest thing for me was to make friends with my kids’ friends parents and invite them over for playdates. This works until they are too old to have to come with parents. Invite people to do things 1:1 like a walk, coffee etc. to get to know them better. create your own events and invite people that have been nice to you. And you click with. Create a mom’s night. Invite a family over for dinner. I like hosting and not everyone reciprocates because they don’t like to host but eventually people did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update. I took some of the great advice provided here, and have been initiating smaller get togethers with some of the women that I enjoy spending time with in these groups, and it’s been going well; some responses, some rejections, but I remain optimistic. I’ve also been very intentional about limiting my social media use.

The other day, I was at my weekly pickleball match, when I overheard one of the women (who is part of one of the larger social circles that encompasses both neighborhood and synagogue people) mention that she hosted a New Year’s Eve party (which my family wasn’t invited to). Curiosity got the best of me, and I went on her social media page; turns out that a ton of people from this very large social circle were at said New Year’s Eve party, including people who I thought were on a much further out social circle than me! On one hand, I don’t particularly care for the woman who hosted the party, so it’s not like I thought she and I were best friends. On the other hand, it’s a big gut punch to see people who I thought were much further outside this social circle get invites over me. Adding insult to injury, the party hostess moved to the neighborhood basically the same time we did.

This is likely why you weren't invited.

If you wanted to party on NYE do your own party! I hosted one but didn’t invite everyone I’m friends with because I was concerned about numbers and I wanted to make sure the kids that were invited had others to play with so I stuck with friends that have kids that are friends with my kids. That was about 40ish people and I thought that was enough. Too many more and the party would be a little unmanageable.