is anyone worried about their kid finding their spouse in college?

[Anonymous]

I don’t know anyone that met their spouse in undergrad. Everyone i know met them in grad school or work.

[Anonymous]

Wouldn't say I'm worried, but it's definitely something I think about. College is where they should have a chance of meeting a future partner, or at least a chance of meeting the kind of lifelong friends who will eventually introduce them to that partner.

[Anonymous]

Also why I don't want my kid going out of our region for college--risk of falling in love with someone a plane ride away, and then staying out there. (I'm not forbidding it or anything. It's not not my preference.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No.

Mainly because my kids were super argumentative and they would debate with me about any pearls of wisdom I shared. Over the years, I had to give them logical and beneficial reasons to make good choices, in a way that has appealed to them.

One thing that my kids knew was to first work on themselves and become a catch. After that, they needed to have a vast network of friends, have a social life and be open to meeting people.

Remember, you tend to attract the people who are like you. Greedy people will attract greedy people. Cheats will attract cheats. Be an honest, kind, good and loyal person so that you attract such people.

Looks are not everything, but, health is really important. And don't be like "Bob The Builder" who is always trying to fix things. Don't be with broken people thinking that you will fix them.

Are u a psychoanalyst?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not something I'm worried about, but interestingly, for both of my daughters that is part of their "plan."

They have a lot of single older cousins so maybe that has influenced them plus the general societal angst about how hard it is to find someone and how horrible dating is in this day and age.

It’s unlikely. Grad school is a good time though.

+1 my kids have zero interest in finding a spouse in college. I know a lot more people who met their spouses in grad school vs undergrad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Outdated in elite schools. Every one, male or female, is so career oriented. No one is investing in "finding spouse" seriously. Most break up at graduation due to jobs in different locations anyway.

Some definitely are at the big Southern schools.

There is literally nothing elite about those schools.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know anyone that met their spouse in undergrad. Everyone i know met them in grad school or work.

+1 and most couples I met as undergrads are divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know anyone that met their spouse in undergrad. Everyone i know met them in grad school or work.

+1 and most couples I met as undergrads are divorced.

The ones I know (about 6 including 2 very good friends) are all still married and we're late 40s.

This was not me--I met my husband at age 30.

[Anonymous]

Not worried about it, but it would be a nice perk. I’m a feminist and went to a women’s college. Dated a lot in college and after, but had to fend off arranged marriage attempts by my parents. A lot of the guys I dated in college would have been great life partners, but we broke up for various reasons. I married my husband at 30. No regrets, but not sure I was better off than if I had married earlier.. I met more compatible men who were available while in college, and also grad school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im actually more worried that they won't. I have two college aged daughters and there is essentially no dating in college per their reports. And a family member who teaches at a medical school and residency in a female dominated speciality says that it's noticeable that year-in and year-out that the female medical students and residents don't date as they have a really hard time meeting eligible and educated men.

I wouldn't breathe a word of this to my daughters but it doesn't seem particularly easy out here.

Young women out number men in both Law and Medical school and just college in general.

Yes, and many of the male medical students arrive married out of college. It's noticeable.

And the issue is amplified by the fact that the straight males in these programs are in the minority to begin with. Yes, it's a worry of mine for my DD's (not for my DS's).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im actually more worried that they won't. I have two college aged daughters and there is essentially no dating in college per their reports. And a family member who teaches at a medical school and residency in a female dominated speciality says that it's noticeable that year-in and year-out that the female medical students and residents don't date as they have a really hard time meeting eligible and educated men.

I wouldn't breathe a word of this to my daughters but it doesn't seem particularly easy out here.

Young women out number men in both Law and Medical school and just college in general.

Yes, and many of the male medical students arrive married out of college. It's noticeable.

And the issue is amplified by the fact that the straight males in these programs are in the minority to begin with. Yes, it's a worry of mine for my DD's (not for my DS's).

My brother (gay male) has been the head of a large residency program for almost 20 years and is a mentor and friend to the residents. He watches this play out year over year. An abundance of amazing female residency grads, lots of dating frustration as they find themselves age 29, finally ready to date and unable to find any men who are remotely at their educational or professional level. His advice to me (I have daughters) was to encourage them to actively pursue dating along the way (college, 20s, etc) if finding a male partner is a goal.

[Anonymous]

This is the most first world worry I’ve ever heard of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No.

Mainly because my kids were super argumentative and they would debate with me about any pearls of wisdom I shared. Over the years, I had to give them logical and beneficial reasons to make good choices, in a way that has appealed to them.

One thing that my kids knew was to first work on themselves and become a catch. After that, they needed to have a vast network of friends, have a social life and be open to meeting people.

Remember, you tend to attract the people who are like you. Greedy people will attract greedy people. Cheats will attract cheats. Be an honest, kind, good and loyal person so that you attract such people.

Looks are not everything, but, health is really important. And don't be like "Bob The Builder" who is always trying to fix things. Don't be with broken people thinking that you will fix them.

Are u a psychoanalyst?

No. But, I am a mom in her 60s who has seen a lot of life. Also, yes, you go to college to get an education and a good career, but you also go to college to grow as a person and get clarity about what you want in life.

You may not be looking to find a life-partner so soon in life, but you do have a much higher chance of meeting several eligible people at college (undergrad) who shares your values and goals than when you start working. These connections can develop into a love match even after you are out of undergrad. As for finding mates in medical school and grad school...I find that most men are already paired up.

In college, be open to possibilities, casually date (not hook up) as many people as you can, respect yourself and be respectful to others so that you come out of college with your reputation and mental health intact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the most first world worry I’ve ever heard of.

Well, it’s actually the most basic of human nature. So not really.

That said, no, I’m not worried about my kids finding or not finding a spouse in undergrad. I’d prefer they not.

[Anonymous]

There are a set of rules and expectations that are same for both sons and daughters when they go to college. Then there are some advice that is gender-specific. My DS was told to be a decent guy, who looked out for the safety of his female friends. He is most likely to make sure that they have eaten before they drink, that they are escorted safely back to their dorms if they are getting drunk or out of control. He is the quintessential good guy. He is also the planner and the social glue that keeps all the friends together.

To my DD, I also gave the following additional advice (that may be triggering to some people on this forum) -
Always pay for yourself and have your own transportation. Do not let any boy who takes you out pay for your share. They are not your ATM. If you pay for yourself, you have autonomy over your decisions and you do not face the backlash when you turn down someone. You may not have the spark with someone, but, you are able to retain them as friends or acquaintances without any emotional baggage or awkwardness even later in life.

My DD was a big dater (she is above average good looking) in college. If someone asked her out for a coffee or dinner, she always said "yes" to the first few dates. Sex and making out was not on the menu on these first few "exploratory dates" (of course, there was one or two serious relationship too) and everything was kept very respectable. After grad school, job, wedding, relocation to other cities - she and her DH are still bumping into men she had dated and it is completely ok.

Your college kids have to be aware that people form opinions about you based on your interactions in college, and you will bump into these same people in your white collar jobs. Make sure that you do not leave a negative impression on them. Be a good and thoughtful person in college.