STBX melting down during divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You could mediate and not have this much drama.

Split 50/50 of martial assets and custody and call it a day. It is not that hard. "Lawyering up" is expensive and causes unecessary drama.

He probably thought you would not be doing "document requests" because a lot of divorces are not done that way. It is not hard to divorce in a way that causes less stress. But both parties have to agree and be rational and not fight with attorneys.

It sounds like you are choosing the fighting way.

Most men don't divorce "out of the blue."

There is nothing to fight over. Split 50/50 of martial assets and custody. Sign the agreement and file with the court.

If you choose the lawyer up way, that is on you. Play stupid games...

He probably thought you would not be doing "document requests" because...... he thought you wouldn't stand up for yourself and protect your rights and your kids rights and that he could hide funds and get away with it. Now, you have a lawyer, and he can't bully you or make you feel bad about the process.

While there may be nothing to fight over, you still need a lawyer, because there is probably a lot you don't know about what you are entitled to in a "50/50" divorce, not to mention that writing a useful custody and child support agreement involves a lot of detail -- it's not just about how much time the kids with spend with whom.

No woman should go through divorce without an attorney; having an attorney doesn't mean you have to fight or litigate, it merely means that a professional is making you aware of your rights and possible outcomes so you can make thoughtful decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone else experience this? STBX/former DH initiated divorce pretty much out of nowhere in a male menopause midlife crisis sort of moment.

He is a smart and successful man, but I don’t know that he thought much beyond filing, and it turns out that attorneys don’t coach you through that before you hire them- they just file and keep moving you along.

I’m relieved that he filed and gave me some clarity about aspects of his character that I had been doubting.

But he seems to be falling apart and inconvenienced, frustrated, and tantruming about his own choice to divorce. He is making both attorneys mad by not cooperating with things like basic document requests. He doesn’t seem to understand that I’m not responsible for supporting his needs anymore, and he throws a fit whenever there’s a deadline that conflicts with things he’s rather do or his work schedule. He doesn’t want to talk about housing or money and is basically putting his fingers in his ears.

Has anyone else experienced a short-sighted divorce initiator? I can’t believe my STBX was so naive as to not think beyond the impulse to file and consider what life might look like age that, yet somehow he found the energy to actually find an attorney and file. It’s like he was briefly fueled by short-term spite but now there’s nothing left in the tank.

He chose this! What’s his problem?!

I don’t know, but I think i understand from the contempt that oozes from your post why he is divorcing you. I wish him peace.

Should she feel sorry for him? Hold his hand?

You're unbelievable and probably a man child like the one who is trying to divorce OP.

As an example, STBX sent me an email last night saying he was really tried and didn’t have the bandwidth to pull [easily available document] for me and it was an excessive request anyway. For other stuff that included a joint tax return amendment that I didn’t have a copy of, he’s said “that’s my private information.” Unfortunately we do have to do discovery and it is doing to make him very hostile. I almost feel bad for his attorney when they have to explain to him how that will work.

You should not be responding to any of his emails. Simply forward it to your lawyer. If he calls you and starts discussing anything to do with the divorce, just say, "I'm represented by counsel. If you have an issue about the divorce, you should speak to your lawyer about it and have your lawyer call my lawyer." Just keep repeating, "I can't discuss that. I'm represented by counsel. You'll have to talk to your lawyer about that."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You could mediate and not have this much drama.

Split 50/50 of martial assets and custody and call it a day. It is not that hard. "Lawyering up" is expensive and causes unecessary drama.

He probably thought you would not be doing "document requests" because a lot of divorces are not done that way. It is not hard to divorce in a way that causes less stress. But both parties have to agree and be rational and not fight with attorneys.

It sounds like you are choosing the fighting way.

Most men don't divorce "out of the blue."

There is nothing to fight over. Split 50/50 of martial assets and custody. Sign the agreement and file with the court.

If you choose the lawyer up way, that is on you. Play stupid games...

So let me get this straight. OPs soon to be ex hires a lawyer and files for divorce but your advice is that OP should not lawyer up and jsut take whatever ex is offering.

You must be a special kind of stupid.

Even in the most "easy" divorces where assets are split 50/50, there is still an exchange of documents to determine what the assets ARE. OP is well within her rights to protect herself and her future. Just because he had a tantrum and decided to file for divorce does not mean that she should not protect herself FFS.

She can still get a lawyer, but they can agree with attorneys, too. Duh. They can sit down with attorneys and hammer out an agreement or one attorney draft the agreement and the other attorney marked it up and send it back. It’s not that hard.

By the way, I divorced an attorney and we weren’t stupid enough to fight with attorneys, even though we both had one to review documents and file. Duh. (we did mediation first I gave up more than 50-50 but it has been way worth it in the long run because it makes coparenting way easier—what I was not doing is doing a drama-filled process fighting with attorneys down to the penny because that is just absolutely stupid and wastes your own money.

And guess what? You don’t have to provide documents: we didn’t. We knew what the ballpark was, and that was good enough. Most people do not have substantial assets to really need financial documents poured over. chances are, people who pour over them are actually wasting more money on attorneys fees than what the difference would actually be. Getting it over fast and cheap in the ballpark is much better than doing it by the penny and fighting.

They can still be reasonable and both have attorneys and still come to an agreement.

This is exactly why I would never divorce without an attorney. The fact that you bought peace with money your abuser owed you and your kids isn't some kind of smart move. Women are always doing this -- giving up money to buy peace. It doesn't work long term, and it leaves us impoverished.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Who cares?
He’s no longer your problem.

They ain’t separated or divorced yet Pp.
Plus they have school aged children.
They’re all shackled to this fool.

[/b]“He doesn’t seem to understand that I’m not responsible for supporting his needs anymore”[b]

Hahaha. My ex husband also didn't understand his problems were not mine to solve. He actually spoke to me for some time after the divorce like I was a secretary in his office. I grey rock him about everything now. I never speak to him about anything beyond the weather or other mundane pleasantries. Anything important goes by email. If he texts me with a question, if it is not an emergency about the kids, I will wait several days to respond, and then I will tell him I replied by email. Then when he says he can't find it, I can just tell him to search email. If he asks me to do something, I say in a very cheerful voice some version of, " I have full confidence in your ability to do that." I never tell him anything about the kids activities or school -- they are old enough to tell him what they want to share and he is old enough to sign up for listservs and go to Back to School night if he is interested.

The only things I take care of for him are things related to his health insurance because his is better than mine so the kids are on it.

He is a narcissist so, 20 years later, still strives for attention from me, but has finally learned that the only way he will get any response from me is when he behaves in a positive manner.

Interestingly, this kind of parallel grey rock parenting has been great for the kids. There is much less tension in my relationship with their dad because we are never together. Over time, when left to interact with him just him and them, they have come to see his true colors.

[Anonymous]

Very similar story here. Male menopause meltdown. In my case also complicated by some kind of personality disorder, either borderline or narcissistic, and trauma. Fun times.

Although he initiated the divorce (and I didn’t want it — I would have preferred at the time to live like strangers in the house with my kids for 10 more years, and took him to several marriage counselors to no avail) he was very resentful of it. As he was moving out he shouted at me that this was what I had always wanted, to throw him out. Threatening divorce was his way of maintaining control. Once I accepted it he had no more control and that made him angry. I think your DH is probably the same way, and this tantrum is not disorganization — it’s manipulation.

A year out and I am still dealing with legal harassment and other issues. OP, be sure you put in a non harassment clause and document everything. If you will coparent use an app that records all conversations. This kind of mental instability doesn’t go away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone else experience this? STBX/former DH initiated divorce pretty much out of nowhere in a male menopause midlife crisis sort of moment.

He is a smart and successful man, but I don’t know that he thought much beyond filing, and it turns out that attorneys don’t coach you through that before you hire them- they just file and keep moving you along.

I’m relieved that he filed and gave me some clarity about aspects of his character that I had been doubting.

But he seems to be falling apart and inconvenienced, frustrated, and tantruming about his own choice to divorce. He is making both attorneys mad by not cooperating with things like basic document requests. He doesn’t seem to understand that I’m not responsible for supporting his needs anymore, and he throws a fit whenever there’s a deadline that conflicts with things he’s rather do or his work schedule. He doesn’t want to talk about housing or money and is basically putting his fingers in his ears.

Has anyone else experienced a short-sighted divorce initiator? I can’t believe my STBX was so naive as to not think beyond the impulse to file and consider what life might look like age that, yet somehow he found the energy to actually find an attorney and file. It’s like he was briefly fueled by short-term spite but now there’s nothing left in the tank.

He chose this! What’s his problem?!

I don’t know, but I think i understand from the contempt that oozes from your post why he is divorcing you. I wish him peace.

Should she feel sorry for him? Hold his hand?

You're unbelievable and probably a man child like the one who is trying to divorce OP.

As an example, STBX sent me an email last night saying he was really tried and didn’t have the bandwidth to pull [easily available document] for me and it was an excessive request anyway. For other stuff that included a joint tax return amendment that I didn’t have a copy of, he’s said “that’s my private information.” Unfortunately we do have to do discovery and it is doing to make him very hostile. I almost feel bad for his attorney when they have to explain to him how that will work.

You should not be responding to any of his emails. Simply forward it to your lawyer. If he calls you and starts discussing anything to do with the divorce, just say, "I'm represented by counsel. If you have an issue about the divorce, you should speak to your lawyer about it and have your lawyer call my lawyer." Just keep repeating, "I can't discuss that. I'm represented by counsel. You'll have to talk to your lawyer about that."

To be clear, the request was sent way back in the early days when I was still doing initial consults and hadn’t retained someone but needed basic information from him. That’s how slow he was to respond. I’m covered now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Very similar story here. Male menopause meltdown. In my case also complicated by some kind of personality disorder, either borderline or narcissistic, and trauma. Fun times.

Although he initiated the divorce (and I didn’t want it — I would have preferred at the time to live like strangers in the house with my kids for 10 more years, and took him to several marriage counselors to no avail) he was very resentful of it. As he was moving out he shouted at me that this was what I had always wanted, to throw him out. Threatening divorce was his way of maintaining control. Once I accepted it he had no more control and that made him angry. I think your DH is probably the same way, and this tantrum is not disorganization — it’s manipulation.

A year out and I am still dealing with legal harassment and other issues. OP, be sure you put in a non harassment clause and document everything. If you will coparent use an app that records all conversations. This kind of mental instability doesn’t go away.

OP and I think you’re right that the whole thing is one insane manipulative tantrum.

Your story reminds me of when DH told me he had filed. The day he had probably told his attorney to file he emailed me that he had already filed, but then texted after to say he hadn’t filed yet. He was trying to get me to beg and plead for him to not file.

[Anonymous]

Poster on 09/16/2025 @ 16:59 who wrote this: "A friend just went through a divorce with a guy like this. Hid money and assets throughout their marriage. THey hired a forensic financial person and they were able to track those things down and she got half of everything. PLUS he had to pay her legal fees and some other things since he was such a PITA."

Can you share the name of the forensic financial person, as well as your friend's attorney, if the attorney and forensic financial person worked well together? Looking for recommendations to deal with a similar situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm pretty sure that my ex's mistress did a bunch of the work for our divorce. I wasn't doing it, and prior behavior suggests he wasn't doing it, so it must have been her.

Hilarious. I can just picture this. You must be so relieved, PP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You could mediate and not have this much drama.

Split 50/50 of martial assets and custody and call it a day. It is not that hard. "Lawyering up" is expensive and causes unecessary drama.

He probably thought you would not be doing "document requests" because a lot of divorces are not done that way. It is not hard to divorce in a way that causes less stress. But both parties have to agree and be rational and not fight with attorneys.

It sounds like you are choosing the fighting way.

Most men don't divorce "out of the blue."

There is nothing to fight over. Split 50/50 of martial assets and custody. Sign the agreement and file with the court.

If you choose the lawyer up way, that is on you. Play stupid games...

He probably thought you would not be doing "document requests" because...... he thought you wouldn't stand up for yourself and protect your rights and your kids rights and that he could hide funds and get away with it. Now, you have a lawyer, and he can't bully you or make you feel bad about the process.

While there may be nothing to fight over, you still need a lawyer, because there is probably a lot you don't know about what you are entitled to in a "50/50" divorce, not to mention that writing a useful custody and child support agreement involves a lot of detail -- it's not just about how much time the kids with spend with whom.

No woman should go through divorce without an attorney; having an attorney doesn't mean you have to fight or litigate, it merely means that a professional is making you aware of your rights and possible outcomes so you can make thoughtful decisions.

You clearly did not read my other post saying you could still have a lawyer and get an agreement, but it doesn’t need to be fighting over every penny.

I consulted I consulted a lawyer as well in advance, and I also divorced one.

Me giving up a little bit less than 50-50 for a much more peaceful divorce long-term was well worth it and in addition, I would’ve spent way more money fighting him and I would’ve gotten less if I had insisted on 50-50 because the attorneys cost would’ve exceeded it. People have to know who they’re divorcing and how to do it in their best interest and with some people counting down to the Penny is absolutely not in your best interest because they will litigate the crap out of the thing and you will end up with close to nothing… money that you could’ve split yourselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm pretty sure that my ex's mistress did a bunch of the work for our divorce. I wasn't doing it, and prior behavior suggests he wasn't doing it, so it must have been her.

OP I assume he has a side piece? Maybe you could enlist her help. She's very motivated to detach him from you so she can attach herself in your place.

OP and unfortunately DH's side piece is his beloved all-consuming job. I wish he had a mistress because maybe she could push him to get this stuff done. Twisted to say so and I'm sorry that you had to go through that but I can see so many upsides to having the involvement of one if they were motivated and efficient.

[Anonymous]

He’s playing games. Smoke him out.

Your lawyer can reach out to his employer or other partners at the firm for the discovery.

If they need a formal subpoena for the last 7 years or P&L and partnership income deferred or distributed, that works too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm pretty sure that my ex's mistress did a bunch of the work for our divorce. I wasn't doing it, and prior behavior suggests he wasn't doing it, so it must have been her.

OP I assume he has a side piece? Maybe you could enlist her help. She's very motivated to detach him from you so she can attach herself in your place.

OP and unfortunately DH's side piece is his beloved all-consuming job. I wish he had a mistress because maybe she could push him to get this stuff done. Twisted to say so and I'm sorry that you had to go through that but I can see so many upsides to having the involvement of one if they were motivated and efficient.

Get his elderly mom to help. She’s probably used to it too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’s playing games. Smoke him out.

Your lawyer can reach out to his employer or other partners at the firm for the discovery.

If they need a formal subpoena for the last 7 years or P&L and partnership income deferred or distributed, that works too.

FYI- your lawyer may have to solicit this annually and all his employment and (if small partnership or start up) company tax filing, extensions, finals and amendments going forward if he is likely to attempt to “hide” or “defer” income or ownership changes from you, the kids, and the law for child support or alimony or any trusts that go to the kids.

Lots of illegal funny business can take place if he’s on K-1s or a part owner. All of it easy to find out but you have to keep checking and obtaining records.

Even I could make my income optically look like zero as a part advisory business owner. And make verbal agreements for increased equity instead of partnership distributions. And backend all pay 3,5,7 years out to screw you over.

But then my spouse and their lawyers would claw it back via the courts.

Not good look in court or at work. And my partners don’t want that $hit happening with my time either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm pretty sure that my ex's mistress did a bunch of the work for our divorce. I wasn't doing it, and prior behavior suggests he wasn't doing it, so it must have been her.

OP I assume he has a side piece? Maybe you could enlist her help. She's very motivated to detach him from you so she can attach herself in your place.

OP and unfortunately DH's side piece is his beloved all-consuming job. I wish he had a mistress because maybe she could push him to get this stuff done. Twisted to say so and I'm sorry that you had to go through that but I can see so many upsides to having the involvement of one if they were motivated and efficient.

Get his elderly mom to help. She’s probably used to it too.

She’s caring for others and is multiple flights away. The two of us were closer than STBX was to her but my assumption from her lack of contact with me since the early days of STBX’s decision is that she is staying uninvolved and may even be in denial that this is happening, if that’s even possible. She has not checked in on her grandchildren since the first or second week which has really hurt them, because they know STBX has gone to see her multiple times.