STBX melting down during divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone else experience this? STBX/former DH initiated divorce pretty much out of nowhere in a male menopause midlife crisis sort of moment.

He is a smart and successful man, but I don’t know that he thought much beyond filing, and it turns out that attorneys don’t coach you through that before you hire them- they just file and keep moving you along.

I’m relieved that he filed and gave me some clarity about aspects of his character that I had been doubting.

But he seems to be falling apart and inconvenienced, frustrated, and tantruming about his own choice to divorce. He is making both attorneys mad by not cooperating with things like basic document requests. He doesn’t seem to understand that I’m not responsible for supporting his needs anymore, and he throws a fit whenever there’s a deadline that conflicts with things he’s rather do or his work schedule. He doesn’t want to talk about housing or money and is basically putting his fingers in his ears.

Has anyone else experienced a short-sighted divorce initiator? I can’t believe my STBX was so naive as to not think beyond the impulse to file and consider what life might look like age that, yet somehow he found the energy to actually find an attorney and file. It’s like he was briefly fueled by short-term spite but now there’s nothing left in the tank.

He chose this! What’s his problem?!

I don’t know, but I think i understand from the contempt that oozes from your post why he is divorcing you. I wish him peace.

Should she feel sorry for him? Hold his hand?

You're unbelievable and probably a man child like the one who is trying to divorce OP.

As an example, STBX sent me an email last night saying he was really tried and didn’t have the bandwidth to pull [easily available document] for me and it was an excessive request anyway. For other stuff that included a joint tax return amendment that I didn’t have a copy of, he’s said “that’s my private information.” Unfortunately we do have to do discovery and it is doing to make him very hostile. I almost feel bad for his attorney when they have to explain to him how that will work.

I would not communicate directly with him about any of this. It could backfire on you. That's what lawyers are for. You've made requests for documents and have noted that he is not providing them. I hope he has a lawyer who is smart enough to tell him that doing things this way will only cost him way more money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone else experience this? STBX/former DH initiated divorce pretty much out of nowhere in a male menopause midlife crisis sort of moment.

He is a smart and successful man, but I don’t know that he thought much beyond filing, and it turns out that attorneys don’t coach you through that before you hire them- they just file and keep moving you along.

I’m relieved that he filed and gave me some clarity about aspects of his character that I had been doubting.

But he seems to be falling apart and inconvenienced, frustrated, and tantruming about his own choice to divorce. He is making both attorneys mad by not cooperating with things like basic document requests. He doesn’t seem to understand that I’m not responsible for supporting his needs anymore, and he throws a fit whenever there’s a deadline that conflicts with things he’s rather do or his work schedule. He doesn’t want to talk about housing or money and is basically putting his fingers in his ears.

Has anyone else experienced a short-sighted divorce initiator? I can’t believe my STBX was so naive as to not think beyond the impulse to file and consider what life might look like age that, yet somehow he found the energy to actually find an attorney and file. It’s like he was briefly fueled by short-term spite but now there’s nothing left in the tank.

He chose this! What’s his problem?!

I don’t know, but I think i understand from the contempt that oozes from your post why he is divorcing you. I wish him peace.

Should she feel sorry for him? Hold his hand?

You're unbelievable and probably a man child like the one who is trying to divorce OP.

As an example, STBX sent me an email last night saying he was really tried and didn’t have the bandwidth to pull [easily available document] for me and it was an excessive request anyway. For other stuff that included a joint tax return amendment that I didn’t have a copy of, he’s said “that’s my private information.” Unfortunately we do have to do discovery and it is doing to make him very hostile. I almost feel bad for his attorney when they have to explain to him how that will work.

I would not communicate directly with him about any of this. It could backfire on you. That's what lawyers are for. You've made requests for documents and have noted that he is not providing them. I hope he has a lawyer who is smart enough to tell him that doing things this way will only cost him way more money.

Costs her way more money too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone else experience this? STBX/former DH initiated divorce pretty much out of nowhere in a male menopause midlife crisis sort of moment.

He is a smart and successful man, but I don’t know that he thought much beyond filing, and it turns out that attorneys don’t coach you through that before you hire them- they just file and keep moving you along.

I’m relieved that he filed and gave me some clarity about aspects of his character that I had been doubting.

But he seems to be falling apart and inconvenienced, frustrated, and tantruming about his own choice to divorce. He is making both attorneys mad by not cooperating with things like basic document requests. He doesn’t seem to understand that I’m not responsible for supporting his needs anymore, and he throws a fit whenever there’s a deadline that conflicts with things he’s rather do or his work schedule. He doesn’t want to talk about housing or money and is basically putting his fingers in his ears.

Has anyone else experienced a short-sighted divorce initiator? I can’t believe my STBX was so naive as to not think beyond the impulse to file and consider what life might look like age that, yet somehow he found the energy to actually find an attorney and file. It’s like he was briefly fueled by short-term spite but now there’s nothing left in the tank.

He chose this! What’s his problem?!

I don’t know, but I think i understand from the contempt that oozes from your post why he is divorcing you. I wish him peace.

Should she feel sorry for him? Hold his hand?

You're unbelievable and probably a man child like the one who is trying to divorce OP.

As an example, STBX sent me an email last night saying he was really tried and didn’t have the bandwidth to pull [easily available document] for me and it was an excessive request anyway. For other stuff that included a joint tax return amendment that I didn’t have a copy of, he’s said “that’s my private information.” Unfortunately we do have to do discovery and it is doing to make him very hostile. I almost feel bad for his attorney when they have to explain to him how that will work.

I would not communicate directly with him about any of this. It could backfire on you. That's what lawyers are for. You've made requests for documents and have noted that he is not providing them. I hope he has a lawyer who is smart enough to tell him that doing things this way will only cost him way more money.

Costs her way more money too.

Exactly. But she is not the one holding up the process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You could mediate and not have this much drama.

Split 50/50 of martial assets and custody and call it a day. It is not that hard. "Lawyering up" is expensive and causes unecessary drama.

He probably thought you would not be doing "document requests" because a lot of divorces are not done that way. It is not hard to divorce in a way that causes less stress. But both parties have to agree and be rational and not fight with attorneys.

It sounds like you are choosing the fighting way.

Most men don't divorce "out of the blue."

There is nothing to fight over. Split 50/50 of martial assets and custody. Sign the agreement and file with the court.

If you choose the lawyer up way, that is on you. Play stupid games...

So let me get this straight. OPs soon to be ex hires a lawyer and files for divorce but your advice is that OP should not lawyer up and jsut take whatever ex is offering.

You must be a special kind of stupid.

Even in the most "easy" divorces where assets are split 50/50, there is still an exchange of documents to determine what the assets ARE. OP is well within her rights to protect herself and her future. Just because he had a tantrum and decided to file for divorce does not mean that she should not protect herself FFS.

She can still get a lawyer, but they can agree with attorneys, too. Duh. They can sit down with attorneys and hammer out an agreement or one attorney draft the agreement and the other attorney marked it up and send it back. It’s not that hard.

By the way, I divorced an attorney and we weren’t stupid enough to fight with attorneys, even though we both had one to review documents and file. Duh. (we did mediation first I gave up more than 50-50 but it has been way worth it in the long run because it makes coparenting way easier—what I was not doing is doing a drama-filled process fighting with attorneys down to the penny because that is just absolutely stupid and wastes your own money.

And guess what? You don’t have to provide documents: we didn’t. We knew what the ballpark was, and that was good enough. Most people do not have substantial assets to really need financial documents poured over. chances are, people who pour over them are actually wasting more money on attorneys fees than what the difference would actually be. Getting it over fast and cheap in the ballpark is much better than doing it by the penny and fighting.

They can still be reasonable and both have attorneys and still come to an agreement.

[Anonymous]

OP and we have sufficient assets that it is worth poring over them and my attorney said please try to get what you can on your own because it would be ridiculous to pay me to do this. But here we are.

This is not going to be fast and cheap. His attorney is at a firm notorious for high billing so I’m sure they are happy to have found him.

[Anonymous]

My ex was/is like this. Everything was my fault, so he wanted a divorce. Then the divorce didn't magically get done because I didn't do it for him, and he got mad about that. What he hasn't quite realized is how he's responsible for himself/his life. The good news is, he now has a much better dynamic to learn in, as I'm no longer available to fill in the gaps and tie it all together for him.

His loss.

[Anonymous]

My dh had a mid-life crisis and was clearly contemplating divorce. I knew that the odds of him actually dealing with the paperwork was small so I did nothing. I wasn’t going to do the work for a divorce I didn’t want. And sure enough, after some time the fog lifted and he came out of the crisis and realized he didn’t want to leave.

In your shoes op, I certainly wouldn’t do any heavy lifting for him. His choice, his consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You could mediate and not have this much drama.

Split 50/50 of martial assets and custody and call it a day. It is not that hard. "Lawyering up" is expensive and causes unecessary drama.

He probably thought you would not be doing "document requests" because a lot of divorces are not done that way. It is not hard to divorce in a way that causes less stress. But both parties have to agree and be rational and not fight with attorneys.

It sounds like you are choosing the fighting way.

Most men don't divorce "out of the blue."

There is nothing to fight over. Split 50/50 of martial assets and custody. Sign the agreement and file with the court.

If you choose the lawyer up way, that is on you. Play stupid games...

So let me get this straight. OPs soon to be ex hires a lawyer and files for divorce but your advice is that OP should not lawyer up and jsut take whatever ex is offering.

You must be a special kind of stupid.

Even in the most "easy" divorces where assets are split 50/50, there is still an exchange of documents to determine what the assets ARE. OP is well within her rights to protect herself and her future. Just because he had a tantrum and decided to file for divorce does not mean that she should not protect herself FFS.

She can still get a lawyer, but they can agree with attorneys, too. Duh. They can sit down with attorneys and hammer out an agreement or one attorney draft the agreement and the other attorney marked it up and send it back. It’s not that hard.

By the way, I divorced an attorney and we weren’t stupid enough to fight with attorneys, even though we both had one to review documents and file. Duh. (we did mediation first I gave up more than 50-50 but it has been way worth it in the long run because it makes coparenting way easier—what I was not doing is doing a drama-filled process fighting with attorneys down to the penny because that is just absolutely stupid and wastes your own money.

And guess what? You don’t have to provide documents: we didn’t. We knew what the ballpark was, and that was good enough. Most people do not have substantial assets to really need financial documents poured over. chances are, people who pour over them are actually wasting more money on attorneys fees than what the difference would actually be. Getting it over fast and cheap in the ballpark is much better than doing it by the penny and fighting.

They can still be reasonable and both have attorneys and still come to an agreement.

You seem to be missing the point entirely. OP's ex does not want to cooperate. In cases like that, it would be unbelievably dumb not to have an attorney. You can't work with someone who doesn't want to work with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You could mediate and not have this much drama.

Split 50/50 of martial assets and custody and call it a day. It is not that hard. "Lawyering up" is expensive and causes unecessary drama.

He probably thought you would not be doing "document requests" because a lot of divorces are not done that way. It is not hard to divorce in a way that causes less stress. But both parties have to agree and be rational and not fight with attorneys.

It sounds like you are choosing the fighting way.

Most men don't divorce "out of the blue."

There is nothing to fight over. Split 50/50 of martial assets and custody. Sign the agreement and file with the court.

If you choose the lawyer up way, that is on you. Play stupid games...

So let me get this straight. OPs soon to be ex hires a lawyer and files for divorce but your advice is that OP should not lawyer up and jsut take whatever ex is offering.

You must be a special kind of stupid.

Even in the most "easy" divorces where assets are split 50/50, there is still an exchange of documents to determine what the assets ARE. OP is well within her rights to protect herself and her future. Just because he had a tantrum and decided to file for divorce does not mean that she should not protect herself FFS.

She can still get a lawyer, but they can agree with attorneys, too. Duh. They can sit down with attorneys and hammer out an agreement or one attorney draft the agreement and the other attorney marked it up and send it back. It’s not that hard.

By the way, I divorced an attorney and we weren’t stupid enough to fight with attorneys, even though we both had one to review documents and file. Duh. (we did mediation first I gave up more than 50-50 but it has been way worth it in the long run because it makes coparenting way easier—what I was not doing is doing a drama-filled process fighting with attorneys down to the penny because that is just absolutely stupid and wastes your own money.

And guess what? You don’t have to provide documents: we didn’t. We knew what the ballpark was, and that was good enough. Most people do not have substantial assets to really need financial documents poured over. chances are, people who pour over them are actually wasting more money on attorneys fees than what the difference would actually be. Getting it over fast and cheap in the ballpark is much better than doing it by the penny and fighting.

They can still be reasonable and both have attorneys and still come to an agreement.

That's all good advice for the OPs husband...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex was/is like this. Everything was my fault, so he wanted a divorce. Then the divorce didn't magically get done because I didn't do it for him, and he got mad about that. What he hasn't quite realized is how he's responsible for himself/his life. The good news is, he now has a much better dynamic to learn in, as I'm no longer available to fill in the gaps and tie it all together for him.

His loss.

Let me guess - he was at least somewhat emotionally and verbally abusive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

He doesn’t seem to understand that I’m not responsible for supporting his needs anymore, and he throws a fit whenever there’s a deadline that conflicts with things he’s rather do or his work schedule.

This is a type. They can’t/won’t manage the scaffolding of life and therefore don’t know how to do it. They view it as beneath them to handle the details, so when they find themselves in a position of managing complexity in their own personal life, they fall apart.

OP if you want this divorce, just let him hang himself. He’ll eventually fire his attorney (or be let go as a client) and find another one, in the meantime just use the delay to your advantage. Merely being organized and prompt will put the legal team on your side.

Massively tone deaf after PPs post

Maybe she didn't read it before posting, and perhaps the other poster's spouse passed away from other causes. Anyway, it's not a big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dh had a mid-life crisis and was clearly contemplating divorce. I knew that the odds of him actually dealing with the paperwork was small so I did nothing. I wasn’t going to do the work for a divorce I didn’t want. And sure enough, after some time the fog lifted and he came out of the crisis and realized he didn’t want to leave.

In your shoes op, I certainly wouldn’t do any heavy lifting for him. His choice, his consequences.

Gross I wouldn't stay with him a second longer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You could mediate and not have this much drama.

Split 50/50 of martial assets and custody and call it a day. It is not that hard. "Lawyering up" is expensive and causes unecessary drama.

He probably thought you would not be doing "document requests" because a lot of divorces are not done that way. It is not hard to divorce in a way that causes less stress. But both parties have to agree and be rational and not fight with attorneys.

It sounds like you are choosing the fighting way.

Most men don't divorce "out of the blue."

There is nothing to fight over. Split 50/50 of martial assets and custody. Sign the agreement and file with the court.

If you choose the lawyer up way, that is on you. Play stupid games...

This. My ex is a piece of work, but we both had a pretty good grip on what we had in terms of assets, so all financial splits took about 3 hours. The biggest hurdle was to spell out the custody details since see the above, but a mediator was able to guide us pretty efficiently by advising what is and isn’t likely to fly, legally speaking. Our mediation took 6 sessions, a bargain, compared to lawyering up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You could mediate and not have this much drama.

Split 50/50 of martial assets and custody and call it a day. It is not that hard. "Lawyering up" is expensive and causes unecessary drama.

He probably thought you would not be doing "document requests" because a lot of divorces are not done that way. It is not hard to divorce in a way that causes less stress. But both parties have to agree and be rational and not fight with attorneys.

It sounds like you are choosing the fighting way.

Most men don't divorce "out of the blue."

There is nothing to fight over. Split 50/50 of martial assets and custody. Sign the agreement and file with the court.

If you choose the lawyer up way, that is on you. Play stupid games...

So let me get this straight. OPs soon to be ex hires a lawyer and files for divorce but your advice is that OP should not lawyer up and jsut take whatever ex is offering.

You must be a special kind of stupid.

Even in the most "easy" divorces where assets are split 50/50, there is still an exchange of documents to determine what the assets ARE. OP is well within her rights to protect herself and her future. Just because he had a tantrum and decided to file for divorce does not mean that she should not protect herself FFS.

She can still get a lawyer, but they can agree with attorneys, too. Duh. They can sit down with attorneys and hammer out an agreement or one attorney draft the agreement and the other attorney marked it up and send it back. It’s not that hard.

By the way, I divorced an attorney and we weren’t stupid enough to fight with attorneys, even though we both had one to review documents and file. Duh. (we did mediation first I gave up more than 50-50 but it has been way worth it in the long run because it makes coparenting way easier—what I was not doing is doing a drama-filled process fighting with attorneys down to the penny because that is just absolutely stupid and wastes your own money.

And guess what? You don’t have to provide documents: we didn’t. We knew what the ballpark was, and that was good enough. Most people do not have substantial assets to really need financial documents poured over. chances are, people who pour over them are actually wasting more money on attorneys fees than what the difference would actually be. Getting it over fast and cheap in the ballpark is much better than doing it by the penny and fighting.

They can still be reasonable and both have attorneys and still come to an agreement.

We tried to tell you. The husband is NOT being reasonable. If he has significant assets that he's trying to hide, OP's best interest is to discover them, hopefully on her own, and if not, by paying her attorney. But she can't leave millions on the table if there are millions to be had. Because this husband is certainly not going to give her anything out of the goodness of his heart. OP, especially if kids are involved, needs to look to the financial wellbeing of her family, and pay particular attention to college funding. 40K for in-state public, 90K for private unis, total cost of attendance per year. Just FYI...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You could mediate and not have this much drama.

Split 50/50 of martial assets and custody and call it a day. It is not that hard. "Lawyering up" is expensive and causes unecessary drama.

He probably thought you would not be doing "document requests" because a lot of divorces are not done that way. It is not hard to divorce in a way that causes less stress. But both parties have to agree and be rational and not fight with attorneys.

It sounds like you are choosing the fighting way.

Most men don't divorce "out of the blue."

There is nothing to fight over. Split 50/50 of martial assets and custody. Sign the agreement and file with the court.

If you choose the lawyer up way, that is on you. Play stupid games...

This. My ex is a piece of work, but we both had a pretty good grip on what we had in terms of assets, so all financial splits took about 3 hours. The biggest hurdle was to spell out the custody details since see the above, but a mediator was able to guide us pretty efficiently by advising what is and isn’t likely to fly, legally speaking. Our mediation took 6 sessions, a bargain, compared to lawyering up.

And some people are pieces of work that go scorched earth just because they can. I know people like that. You need to accept that sometimes, people need to lawyer up. It's not OP's first choice. But she can't let herself be divorced with nothing, knowing her ex is holding back large assets. You wouldn't want that for yourself either, so stop telling OP that's what she should do.