STBX melting down during divorce

[Anonymous]

You should have seen his reaction when he realized he was getting the dog! Lol. The dog he bought without telling me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone else experience this? STBX/former DH initiated divorce pretty much out of nowhere in a male menopause midlife crisis sort of moment.

He is a smart and successful man, but I don’t know that he thought much beyond filing, and it turns out that attorneys don’t coach you through that before you hire them- they just file and keep moving you along.

I’m relieved that he filed and gave me some clarity about aspects of his character that I had been doubting.

But he seems to be falling apart and inconvenienced, frustrated, and tantruming about his own choice to divorce. He is making both attorneys mad by not cooperating with things like basic document requests. He doesn’t seem to understand that I’m not responsible for supporting his needs anymore, and he throws a fit whenever there’s a deadline that conflicts with things he’s rather do or his work schedule. He doesn’t want to talk about housing or money and is basically putting his fingers in his ears.

Has anyone else experienced a short-sighted divorce initiator? I can’t believe my STBX was so naive as to not think beyond the impulse to file and consider what life might look like age that, yet somehow he found the energy to actually find an attorney and file. It’s like he was briefly fueled by short-term spite but now there’s nothing left in the tank.

He chose this! What’s his problem?!

I don’t know, but I think i understand from the contempt that oozes from your post why he is divorcing you. I wish him peace.

Op's STBX has entered the chat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should have seen his reaction when he realized he was getting the dog! Lol. The dog he bought without telling me.

OP and my STBX hasn’t asked about the dog. Which I don’t mind but it makes me feel sad for the dog.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You could mediate and not have this much drama.

Split 50/50 of martial assets and custody and call it a day. It is not that hard. "Lawyering up" is expensive and causes unecessary drama.

He probably thought you would not be doing "document requests" because a lot of divorces are not done that way. It is not hard to divorce in a way that causes less stress. But both parties have to agree and be rational and not fight with attorneys.

It sounds like you are choosing the fighting way.

Most men don't divorce "out of the blue."

There is nothing to fight over. Split 50/50 of martial assets and custody. Sign the agreement and file with the court.

If you choose the lawyer up way, that is on you. Play stupid games...

Unfortunately his mood when he filed was immediately to start hiding things. Including assets, bills, logins, etc.

So there is a lot do run down and it’s not a 50/50 situation. And he didn’t want 50/50 custody even though his attorney is using that as a boilerplate negotiating point so far.

Oh for god's sake, no one should be married and not know their partner's logins and all assets.

When people do this, they are not in a marriage.

If you do not have these now do this today people male or female I don't care do it today. Make copies of everything.

He changed logins for basic stuff before filing and/or added two-factor authentication for things we both had access to like our toll and electric bill.

Stock holdings that I am fully aware that were purchased with our marital assets but are held in a brokerage account in his name and show up in our joint tax return when shares have been sold are being hidden. He claims they were sold but won’t show me the brokerage statements showing that- only one statement from this month that shows a $0 balance.

Eventually we’ll receive the statements for our tax return that will show that everything was sold (or not).

This is probably the one area I’m willing to shell out for actual discovery because I think he shuffled those shares off somewhere right before filing.

A friend just went through a divorce with a guy like this. Hid money and assets throughout their marriage. THey hired a forensic financial person and they were able to track those things down and she got half of everything. PLUS he had to pay her legal fees and some other things since he was such a PITA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You could mediate and not have this much drama.

Split 50/50 of martial assets and custody and call it a day. It is not that hard. "Lawyering up" is expensive and causes unecessary drama.

He probably thought you would not be doing "document requests" because a lot of divorces are not done that way. It is not hard to divorce in a way that causes less stress. But both parties have to agree and be rational and not fight with attorneys.

It sounds like you are choosing the fighting way.

Most men don't divorce "out of the blue."

There is nothing to fight over. Split 50/50 of martial assets and custody. Sign the agreement and file with the court.

If you choose the lawyer up way, that is on you. Play stupid games...

Mediation is a cooperative process, the post is about someone who can't get his s together. Can't determine the marital assets without documentation of what they are...

Why would anyone mediate with someone who is hiding assets. OPs husband is the one who chose to leave, he can deal with the consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone else experience this? STBX/former DH initiated divorce pretty much out of nowhere in a male menopause midlife crisis sort of moment.

He is a smart and successful man, but I don’t know that he thought much beyond filing, and it turns out that attorneys don’t coach you through that before you hire them- they just file and keep moving you along.

I’m relieved that he filed and gave me some clarity about aspects of his character that I had been doubting.

But he seems to be falling apart and inconvenienced, frustrated, and tantruming about his own choice to divorce. He is making both attorneys mad by not cooperating with things like basic document requests. He doesn’t seem to understand that I’m not responsible for supporting his needs anymore, and he throws a fit whenever there’s a deadline that conflicts with things he’s rather do or his work schedule. He doesn’t want to talk about housing or money and is basically putting his fingers in his ears.

Has anyone else experienced a short-sighted divorce initiator? I can’t believe my STBX was so naive as to not think beyond the impulse to file and consider what life might look like age that, yet somehow he found the energy to actually find an attorney and file. It’s like he was briefly fueled by short-term spite but now there’s nothing left in the tank.

He chose this! What’s his problem?!

I don’t know, but I think i understand from the contempt that oozes from your post why he is divorcing you. I wish him peace.

Should she feel sorry for him? Hold his hand?

You're unbelievable and probably a man child like the one who is trying to divorce OP.

There is a middle ground between pity/handholding and the contempt that oozes from the OP.

I guess she feels about as much contempt for him as he does for her. Get off it.

Op and I can’t say I felt contempt for him until he had a midlife crisis or whatever this is and bailed on our family. But I will admit that did certainly inspire contempt. Who files, bails on kids, and acts like everyone else has caused them an inconvenience?

Sounds like you are well to done with him.

Thank him for doing the favor of leaving and do whatever you need to do to get the bottom of his asset hiding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone else experience this? STBX/former DH initiated divorce pretty much out of nowhere in a male menopause midlife crisis sort of moment.

He is a smart and successful man, but I don’t know that he thought much beyond filing, and it turns out that attorneys don’t coach you through that before you hire them- they just file and keep moving you along.

I’m relieved that he filed and gave me some clarity about aspects of his character that I had been doubting.

But he seems to be falling apart and inconvenienced, frustrated, and tantruming about his own choice to divorce. He is making both attorneys mad by not cooperating with things like basic document requests. He doesn’t seem to understand that I’m not responsible for supporting his needs anymore, and he throws a fit whenever there’s a deadline that conflicts with things he’s rather do or his work schedule. He doesn’t want to talk about housing or money and is basically putting his fingers in his ears.

Has anyone else experienced a short-sighted divorce initiator? I can’t believe my STBX was so naive as to not think beyond the impulse to file and consider what life might look like age that, yet somehow he found the energy to actually find an attorney and file. It’s like he was briefly fueled by short-term spite but now there’s nothing left in the tank.

He chose this! What’s his problem?!

I don’t know, but I think i understand from the contempt that oozes from your post why he is divorcing you. I wish him peace.

Should she feel sorry for him? Hold his hand?

You're unbelievable and probably a man child like the one who is trying to divorce OP.

As an example, STBX sent me an email last night saying he was really tried and didn’t have the bandwidth to pull [easily available document] for me and it was an excessive request anyway. For other stuff that included a joint tax return amendment that I didn’t have a copy of, he’s said “that’s my private information.” Unfortunately we do have to do discovery and it is doing to make him very hostile. I almost feel bad for his attorney when they have to explain to him how that will work.

Yeah, mine kind of did this. [Quick synopsis: affair ten years ago, left me a year ago with no explanation, I figured out a couple of months later it was another affair, he's had a series of calamities befall him since]

For example, I requested a copy of his life insurance policy, and he said it would be "really difficult" to get. But like . . . what was I supposed to do if I had become his widow? Surely procuring a copy of a policy you own cannot be impossible. He complained to me about how stressful it was when he had to move his stuff out into the new house he bought FOUR DAYS after he suddenly left me, because I briefly appeared and chatted with his friends.

Here's the thing. You don't go from life partners to strangers overnight. It's a process, and one you must undertake intentionally. You gray rock. You say, "You chose this, and I'm not the holder of your stress anymore." When he complains about stuff that's not your problem, you just say to yourself, "Sounds like a you problem," while you say nothing to him.

It was also a process to go from focusing on his positives (few though they were) to understanding just how deeply flawed he is, and how much I was overcompensating to keep him afloat. Then everything in his life went sideways and I was like, oh see, I really did do things for him.

Re the lawyers, there was a moment during our settlement conference when my lawyer requested that if he should change jobs and lose his life insurance through them, that he would obtain a similar policy with our children as beneficiaries. Our children, mind you, not me (though I do remain the beneficiary on his two other policies). He had an absolute tantrum. He whined and complained about how the health problem that he suddenly developed when he left me would make it impossible for him to qualify for a new policy. So he didn't want to promise he would have our children be the beneficiaries. What if he wanted to have more children? Didn't we understand?!?!?

After an awkward silence I said, "Well, at least I'll be the children's favorite" and HIS LAWYER LAUGHED TOO.

Keep snipping those strings between you. Let him be ridiculous. I mean, not that I'm a spiteful person, but it's definitely more fun than if he were having an absolutely fabulous time and everybody loved him and his new amazing girlfriend. Instead, I tell people what he does and they smack their foreheads.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex was/is like this. Everything was my fault, so he wanted a divorce. Then the divorce didn't magically get done because I didn't do it for him, and he got mad about that. What he hasn't quite realized is how he's responsible for himself/his life. The good news is, he now has a much better dynamic to learn in, as I'm no longer available to fill in the gaps and tie it all together for him.

His loss.

Omg my ex too! So mad. Bigly mad. All of the basic steps for the divorce (actually writing down an agreement! Transferring titles!) was me “refusing to cooperate and forcing him to go to court”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You could mediate and not have this much drama.

Split 50/50 of martial assets and custody and call it a day. It is not that hard. "Lawyering up" is expensive and causes unecessary drama.

He probably thought you would not be doing "document requests" because a lot of divorces are not done that way. It is not hard to divorce in a way that causes less stress. But both parties have to agree and be rational and not fight with attorneys.

It sounds like you are choosing the fighting way.

Most men don't divorce "out of the blue."

There is nothing to fight over. Split 50/50 of martial assets and custody. Sign the agreement and file with the court.

If you choose the lawyer up way, that is on you. Play stupid games...

This. My ex is a piece of work, but we both had a pretty good grip on what we had in terms of assets, so all financial splits took about 3 hours. The biggest hurdle was to spell out the custody details since see the above, but a mediator was able to guide us pretty efficiently by advising what is and isn’t likely to fly, legally speaking. Our mediation took 6 sessions, a bargain, compared to lawyering up.

This only works if both people are rational and actually want to come to agreements.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone else experience this? STBX/former DH initiated divorce pretty much out of nowhere in a male menopause midlife crisis sort of moment.

He is a smart and successful man, but I don’t know that he thought much beyond filing, and it turns out that attorneys don’t coach you through that before you hire them- they just file and keep moving you along.

I’m relieved that he filed and gave me some clarity about aspects of his character that I had been doubting.

But he seems to be falling apart and inconvenienced, frustrated, and tantruming about his own choice to divorce. He is making both attorneys mad by not cooperating with things like basic document requests. He doesn’t seem to understand that I’m not responsible for supporting his needs anymore, and he throws a fit whenever there’s a deadline that conflicts with things he’s rather do or his work schedule. He doesn’t want to talk about housing or money and is basically putting his fingers in his ears.

Has anyone else experienced a short-sighted divorce initiator? I can’t believe my STBX was so naive as to not think beyond the impulse to file and consider what life might look like age that, yet somehow he found the energy to actually find an attorney and file. It’s like he was briefly fueled by short-term spite but now there’s nothing left in the tank.

He chose this! What’s his problem?!

I don’t know, but I think i understand from the contempt that oozes from your post why he is divorcing you. I wish him peace.

Should she feel sorry for him? Hold his hand?

You're unbelievable and probably a man child like the one who is trying to divorce OP.

There is a middle ground between pity/handholding and the contempt that oozes from the OP.

NP. I think OP sounds very objective in describing an enormously frustrating situation. And who wouldn’t be contemptuous of the sort of person who files for divorce and then is upset that he has to fulfill all the obligations that come along with divorce proceedings?

Nothing about her description was objective at all. It was hall super emotive and intended to paint a belittling caricature. She admits to harboring doubts about his character for some time. She implies she wanted this divorce and is pleased he initiated it.

So, yeah, this isn’t a case of he is a dufus and she is some perfect victim. My guess he is felt her contempt for him radiating from him for years.

I wouldn’t be shocked to learn there hadn’t been sex in ages, either.

Dude. OP is getting divorced so none of this matters. She is entitled to feel whatever contempt she wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You could mediate and not have this much drama.

Split 50/50 of martial assets and custody and call it a day. It is not that hard. "Lawyering up" is expensive and causes unecessary drama.

He probably thought you would not be doing "document requests" because a lot of divorces are not done that way. It is not hard to divorce in a way that causes less stress. But both parties have to agree and be rational and not fight with attorneys.

It sounds like you are choosing the fighting way.

Most men don't divorce "out of the blue."

There is nothing to fight over. Split 50/50 of martial assets and custody. Sign the agreement and file with the court.

If you choose the lawyer up way, that is on you. Play stupid games...

Mediation is a cooperative process, the post is about someone who can't get his s together. Can't determine the marital assets without documentation of what they are...

Why would anyone mediate with someone who is hiding assets. OPs husband is the one who chose to leave, he can deal with the consequences.

You can mediate within the court process. In fact the judge will probably order it. What OP needs is the discovery.

You also don’t have to literally go to trial over everything. Even with the case filed and dates set, lawyers can exchange letters, attempt settlement.

[Anonymous]

I'm pretty sure that my ex's mistress did a bunch of the work for our divorce. I wasn't doing it, and prior behavior suggests he wasn't doing it, so it must have been her.

OP I assume he has a side piece? Maybe you could enlist her help. She's very motivated to detach him from you so she can attach herself in your place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Who cares?
He’s no longer your problem.

They ain’t separated or divorced yet Pp.
Plus they have school aged children.
They’re all shackled to this fool.

[/b]“He doesn’t seem to understand that I’m not responsible for supporting his needs anymore”[b]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Who cares?
He’s no longer your problem.

They ain’t separated or divorced yet Pp.
Plus they have school aged children.
They’re all shackled to this fool.

[/b]“He doesn’t seem to understand that I’m not responsible for supporting his needs anymore”[b]

It took me about a year to detach from my stbx and reach a level of genuine indifference. I'm grateful to the many friends who listened to me vent his latest antics.

But at this point, yeah, I know a leopard won't change its spots. He sucks. He's not going to stop sucking. I carry on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should have seen his reaction when he realized he was getting the dog! Lol. The dog he bought without telling me.

Doubt he made that connection, these guys are brain dead.