Justified in being upset that my Mom works while she visits us?

[Anonymous]

Beach trip for everyone, at a third party location!

Enjoy Op.

[Anonymous]

Your mom I may need to work when she is on leave to prove her worth. It can be hard for older people, especially women to maintain relevance at work. She may be afraid to delegate tasks.

Or maybe she is just really into her job. Either way, you do not ask your dad for context. Ask your mom.

[Anonymous]

Seems like your Mom is juggling - as all moms do, for their whole lives on all fronts. How sad that she not only is still juggling but is being criticized by her adult working mom daughter.

How sad that you can't commiserate w/ her.

How sad that you can't manage your own juggling and boundaries so that you don't feel like you're putting everything on hold for her during visits in a way that you don't like.

Are you justified? You're allowed to feel however you need to feel.

Are you being fair to your mother? Doesn't really seem like it. It reads like you're responding more from the perspective of a child, rather than a fellow working mother who also wants to prioritize quality time w/ family.

Just my two cents... (as a working mother, who had a working mother/grandmother until she passed away a couple of years ago).

[Anonymous]

Op, you are being ridiculous. She came to to you for the visit and if you aren't planning anything other than siting around your house, it's fair for her to do a little work. Obviously she needs to work. You said there was some previous health issues which prevented them from visiting for 6 months (gasp, clutching pearls) so maybe she is out of leave, needs to work for extra money, catching up from sick leave. Give some grace and stop being so uptight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mom would say - “We live 8 hrs from my daughter and she has not visited us in the past 6 months so we made the trip despite being busy with medical appts and work. Now she’s mad I can’t be available to her every second despite us coming all the way to her”

100%

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is one of those women who aren’t motherly or grandmotherly in the least yet have to put on airs of being a wonderful (grand)parent.
I bet you have some childhood trauma too.
Wait until she retires and becomes needy. You’ll play the game of wanting to visit them and bring the kids and then run around sightseeing when she can’t keep up. Or you can also “work” while you visit!

You are deranged. God Speed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Will you fund her life and her retirement? No? Then she is justified in continuing to work.

Is she funding OP? Because she's the one who asked OP to take time off, not the other way around.

Did they add you to the call to hear this or are you just making sh$ up? Or are you the OP not liking being told you're wrong.

[Anonymous]

Your feelings are your feelings. They are not right or wrong. They are just feelings. That’s therapy 101, and I’m no therapist.

You also have no right to control your mother’s time when she visits you. You can share your opinion if you like and she may or may not change her actions to accommodate it. That is not her responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you took the week off work to be with them then you have the right to feel irritated. I get it, I know how hard it is when your parents say they want to be grandparents badly and then don’t help out.

OP’s decision to take paid time off is on OP. If grandparents asked about OP’s plans before visiting, oh well. I’d just chalk this up to lesson learned, enjoy the time off with your kids, and adjust your choices accordingly if needed next time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you took the week off work to be with them then you have the right to feel irritated. I get it, I know how hard it is when your parents say they want to be grandparents badly and then don’t help out.

So … your definition of being grandparents is they must supply labor?

[Anonymous]

It would be nice of her to clarify that she will need to work and to keep it to certain hours. If she's just replying to work emails because she can't let go, that would be a different story.

I let my ILs know I could bring grandchildren to them because spouse's travel would have prevented our regular summer trip to see them. However, I said I would have to work during the day.

They said this arrangement would work for them.

I had childcare back at home, so this trip was entirely for ILs to get to see grandkids and was not benefitting me in that regard. This worked out because the arrangement was clear from the start as to what I was offering (transporting and paying for kids to visit) and the ILs providing care while I worked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you took the week off work to be with them then you have the right to feel irritated. I get it, I know how hard it is when your parents say they want to be grandparents badly and then don’t help out.

So … your definition of being grandparents is they must supply labor?

If you think playing with and feeding kids is “labor”, don’t visit your grandchildren. They won’t miss what they don’t know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you took the week off work to be with them then you have the right to feel irritated. I get it, I know how hard it is when your parents say they want to be grandparents badly and then don’t help out.

So … your definition of being grandparents is they must supply labor?

If you think playing with and feeding kids is “labor”, don’t visit your grandchildren. They won’t miss what they don’t know.

I'm not a grandma, but playing with, feeding, bathing, and caring for grandchildren is labor! Many are happy to do it, but it takes a toll on older people. I don't think expecting your parents to be your babysitter is reasonable. Maybe OP's mom feels like she's been a caretaker already for 18+ years, and now she's focused on other types of work. While she surely enjoys time with her grandkids, it doesn't need to be 24/7.