Justified in being upset that my Mom works while she visits us?

[Anonymous]

Ould she be worried about a layoff?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you’re talking about her needing to work for a few hours rather than constantly. So yes, you’re out of line.

[Anonymous]

Not justified. Every job is different. Why do you expect her to be your captive audience 24/7, anyway?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course you are! I can’t believe you took time off to spend with them and they completely f***ed off. I’d be livid. The next time they ask to visit I’d agree but tell them I won’t be taking time off, we can hang out evenings and weekends.

I can’t imagine being this mad.

I always have to work on days I take leave. It’s just the nature of my job. If I don’t work at home, I’m not prepared when I get to school.

I took 2 days off last year to spend a long weekend with my father-in-law. I had to spend several hours each day keeping up with what was going on in my classroom. It doesn’t help that the trip coincided with college app deadlines, so I was writing last-minute letters and editing supplemental essays.

Some jobs don’t stop simply because you aren’t there.

[Anonymous]

I have been in this position before as the DIL and it was hard.

She ended up leaving us to help a college student that is a child of a complete acquaintance.(??) While I recovered from CS and she knew she was the main person helping us.

And was on work calls when she was with us.

Otoh, she answers my professional Qs when I need something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course you are! I can’t believe you took time off to spend with them and they completely f***ed off. I’d be livid. The next time they ask to visit I’d agree but tell them I won’t be taking time off, we can hang out evenings and weekends.

I can’t imagine being this mad.

I always have to work on days I take leave. It’s just the nature of my job. If I don’t work at home, I’m not prepared when I get to school.

I took 2 days off last year to spend a long weekend with my father-in-law. I had to spend several hours each day keeping up with what was going on in my classroom. It doesn’t help that the trip coincided with college app deadlines, so I was writing last-minute letters and editing supplemental essays.

Some jobs don’t stop simply because you aren’t there.

This. Since graduating law school 22 years ago, I have been on ONE vacation where I did not do any work -- my honeymoon. And I was working in house at the time. Would not have been able to go 2.5 weeks without working at all if I had been in a firm at the time.

[Anonymous]

People also take off time to coordinate bridge games and the like. At least it's work rather than another social engagement

[Anonymous]

No. Your parents are staying in a hotel, so obviously the "togetherness" is not there. Seems like your expectations and reality have collided. If you wanted togetherness, you'd invite parents to stay with you and have some plans. Your plans seem to be parents coming from their hotel to sit at your house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does it matter if you're justified in being annoyed or not? If the majority of us say, yes, you're justified, will that change your mom's behavior? If the majority of us say no, you aren't justified, will you no longer be annoyed?

I recommend just accepting it if she's still interacting with your kids and doing things with you when you're together.

If you can't, then you can say "if you work while you visit next time, you can't come back" but that likely isn't going to change her.

If she's not available for certain things, then don't wait for her and do them with your dad.

You can't change other people - you can only change how you react.

You’re too rational for DCUM.

OP, as another pp said your expectations don’t match. I have gotten into the habit to tell my mom that if she comes of I go to her, that I will need X hours to work/day, if I do. She can then agree or not to come/have me.

[Anonymous]

You’re in the wrong. I could see being mad if she missed an important function

[Anonymous]

I get it OP. My mom does similar. Comes to help out with the kids, and then has some work thing she prioritizes, leaving us scrambling.

I’m not sure there’s much you can do. I do point out the dynamic to my workaholic husband in the hopes he doesn’t pull the same bs on our kids some day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents live 8 hours away from us. Dad is fully retired, Mom is still working. Due to some health problems and scheduling issues, my parents are visiting us (5 yr old, 1 yr old) for the first time in six months. In the time since the previous visit, my Mom has gone on and on about how much she missses us, wants to see the kids and build a bond with them, etc, etc.

During this trip, when theres been downtime, my Mom will pull out her laptop to “take care of a couple emails” which is kinda irritating because I took off of work to spend more time with them during this visit. However, the tipping point came today. When I asked what time they’d be leaving their hotel to come to our place, I was told that “mom has a work situation she has to deal with.”

Eventually, my Dad came over on his own about two hours later. I talked to my Dad about it, and asked if the work crisis was self inflicted or something that truly only my Mom could deal with. His response was that it was a little of both, but that my Mom really should have the wherewithal to delegate these tasks to others, but ultimately he was kind of like “well that’s just how she is”

Anyways, this is still fresh, but am I justified in feeling this way?

No, I don't think you are.

[Anonymous]

I think the ability to work remotely has changed expectations around work and availability and it sounds like your mom
may need better boundaries. I would cut your mom some slack but ask her if she can just check email at night when they are back at the hotel, and handle everything then. When I took off work at a high pressure job, a once-a-day email check on vacation more than satisfied them, while also letting me unplug for the most part.

[Anonymous]

Your mom would say - “We live 8 hrs from my daughter and she has not visited us in the past 6 months so we made the trip despite being busy with medical appts and work. Now she’s mad I can’t be available to her every second despite us coming all the way to her”

[Anonymous]

So is your dad alone not worth you taking the week off? I'd be upset if I took the week off to spend time with them and was by myself with nothing to do. But you can spend time with your dad until she is available. What's the problem?