Justified in being upset that my Mom works while she visits us?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^ It’s a subtle way for your mother to communicate: “hey! I’m not just a grandma”

Then not being available to her is going to be a subtle way of communicating "I'm not just a daughter", if she wants to play that game.

[Anonymous]

Why are you assuming relationships are a game???

[Anonymous]

OP, why are you blowing off your dad and obsessing over your mom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you assuming relationships are a game???

If she's doing this to show she's not just a grandmother, that's playing a game. I'm not saying she is. But it doesn't really matter, because the answer is the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course you are! I can’t believe you took time off to spend with them and they completely f***ed off. I’d be livid. The next time they ask to visit I’d agree but tell them I won’t be taking time off, we can hang out evenings and weekends.

I can’t imagine being this mad.

I always have to work on days I take leave. It’s just the nature of my job. If I don’t work at home, I’m not prepared when I get to school.

I took 2 days off last year to spend a long weekend with my father-in-law. I had to spend several hours each day keeping up with what was going on in my classroom. It doesn’t help that the trip coincided with college app deadlines, so I was writing last-minute letters and editing supplemental essays.

Some jobs don’t stop simply because you aren’t there.

Omg you really aren’t that important ffs.

[Anonymous]

Why can’t you visit them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^ It’s a subtle way for your mother to communicate: “hey! I’m not just a grandma”

She is in fact, not just a grandma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People also take off time to coordinate bridge games and the like. At least it's work rather than another social engagement

How do we know she was really working

[Anonymous]

She is one of those women who aren’t motherly or grandmotherly in the least yet have to put on airs of being a wonderful (grand)parent.
I bet you have some childhood trauma too.
Wait until she retires and becomes needy. You’ll play the game of wanting to visit them and bring the kids and then run around sightseeing when she can’t keep up. Or you can also “work” while you visit!

[Anonymous]

I have a demanding job and it's soul crushing when I get "in trouble" so to speak for having to do my job. I want to maintain employment and I bring home the bacon. I know it's hard for others to understand who don't have jobs with a lot of inherent unpaid overtime. Let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be annoyed. It sounds like she’s using “work” to titrate your access to her and her availability, a subtle way of imposing boundaries in a house which isn’t her own.

Wait what? She is not allowed to impose boundaries?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a demanding job and it's soul crushing when I get "in trouble" so to speak for having to do my job. I want to maintain employment and I bring home the bacon. I know it's hard for others to understand who don't have jobs with a lot of inherent unpaid overtime. Let it go.

She's complaining about not getting enough time with her grandkids and asking her daughter to take time off work to facilitate this. If you have a demanding job, clearly set expectations around your availability before you ask other people to put themselves out for you.

[Anonymous]

Is she apologizing for this rudeness (making people wait for you for two hours is rude) or are you expected to just roll with it when she makes herself available again?

I certainly wouldn’t do this sort of visit again. If your mom starts complaining about how much she misses the grandkids after the visit, I would take the opportunity to say (kindly) “mom I hear what you’re saying, but while you were here it seemed work was taking a lot of your time that could have been with them.”

Next time you’re planning a visit set expectations at the outset— ask whether she’s planning to work and decide if it’s worth it to you. I like the idea of just inviting on vacations so if she does decide she wants to spend the week with her laptop, you and your kids and your dad still build memories.

[Anonymous]

My mom is similar. She grandparents like she parented - absent, work was priority. She only has 1 grandchild. Now that she’s retired and almost 70, she questions why people work so much - what’s the point. She’ll be cared for by a babysitter when she needs help one day.

[Anonymous]

Your Mom works! What about that don’t you understand? Yeah, she still is working- and that's normal.

What is the question here ?
Also, if this was your father, I doubt you'd care. What is your expectation, that she quit working so visits with you are unencumbered?