Justified in being upset that my Mom works while she visits us?

[Anonymous]

Now you know that going forward you all need to be clearer about expectations during visits. But maybe she's had ample time with you all - just a different level than you were expecting. She can still miss the kids yet not want to be on top of you for 12 hrs a day.

You can also remind her at the end of the visit that you used up leave time to spend this time with them so you're not sure when you'll be able to arrange another visit to them, but they are welcome to come to you - just that you'll be working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your Mom works! What about that don’t you understand? Yeah, she still is working- and that's normal.

What is the question here ?
Also, if this was your father, I doubt you'd care. What is your expectation, that she quit working so visits with you are unencumbered?

OP also works. And she took time off to facilitate her parents' relationship with her grandkids at what sounds like her mother's urging. No one is saying her mom can't have whatever priorities or obligations she has, but it's entirely reasonable to be put off by this and not do it again.

[Anonymous]

I'm in the Mom's shoes. I do consulting work and rarely take a non-working vacation. The last one was February. I took off Friday because we ahve guests, so I am working today (Sunday). I spent a month with DD when her baby was born to help out and can't lose a month of income so I worked part of the time, often in the evenings or when DD didn't need me. When we visit or vice versa we don't feel the need to spend 100% of the time together. DD/SonIL will work while we tourist or whatever for part of the time and they will have their own time when they come to visit. It works well for everyone to not be on top of each other 24-7.

[Anonymous]

It could be anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in the Mom's shoes. I do consulting work and rarely take a non-working vacation. The last one was February. I took off Friday because we ahve guests, so I am working today (Sunday). I spent a month with DD when her baby was born to help out and can't lose a month of income so I worked part of the time, often in the evenings or when DD didn't need me. When we visit or vice versa we don't feel the need to spend 100% of the time together. DD/SonIL will work while we tourist or whatever for part of the time and they will have their own time when they come to visit. It works well for everyone to not be on top of each other 24-7.

You were helping your kid out, not asking your kid to take time off for you. That's very different.

[Anonymous]

Will you fund her life and her retirement? No? Then she is justified in continuing to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Will you fund her life and her retirement? No? Then she is justified in continuing to work.

Is she funding OP? Because she's the one who asked OP to take time off, not the other way around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in the Mom's shoes. I do consulting work and rarely take a non-working vacation. The last one was February. I took off Friday because we ahve guests, so I am working today (Sunday). I spent a month with DD when her baby was born to help out and can't lose a month of income so I worked part of the time, often in the evenings or when DD didn't need me. When we visit or vice versa we don't feel the need to spend 100% of the time together. DD/SonIL will work while we tourist or whatever for part of the time and they will have their own time when they come to visit. It works well for everyone to not be on top of each other 24-7.

You were helping your kid out, not asking your kid to take time off for you. That's very different.

For that instance yes. But I don't expect them to take off a week, and they don't expect me to stop working, or to spend every minute together, when we visit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like maybe she didn't take this time off for vacation and is trying to work remotely while visiting you.

Maybe try planning things out of the house so it's not just "sitting around your living room playing puzzles" and more "going to the aquarium".

Or maybe she did, and something came up.

Many on DCUM operate under the fantasy of "I put in for vacation and so I will have no contact with work for a week." The real world doesn't work that way for many of us.

Grow up, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Will you fund her life and her retirement? No? Then she is justified in continuing to work.

Is she funding OP? Because she's the one who asked OP to take time off, not the other way around.

OP said she took the time off, not that her mother asked her to. Also, you are acting like the mother was working 8 hour days. Per the OP, she periodically checked emails, and then on one day had something come up. But you have spun this fantasy that, frankly, sounds a lot like projection on your part. Do you feel neglected by your mother now?

[Anonymous]

No.

[Anonymous]

It’s called work for a reason. You must not have a very important job if you can’t relate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course you are! I can’t believe you took time off to spend with them and they completely f***ed off. I’d be livid. The next time they ask to visit I’d agree but tell them I won’t be taking time off, we can hang out evenings and weekends.

Aren’t you a peach. 🍑

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP. My mom does similar. Comes to help out with the kids, and then has some work thing she prioritizes, leaving us scrambling.

I’m not sure there’s much you can do. I do point out the dynamic to my workaholic husband in the hopes he doesn’t pull the same bs on our kids some day.

Hire a nanny and stop expecting your mom to do that. If your DH is a workaholic my guess is you can afford a nanny. Stop being so cheap and exploiting your mother for free labor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. You are completely out of line. She has a job.

This.


How many vacation days a year does she have?

Does she have a job where she can totally disappear for five biz days? Most people do not have plug & play jobs, even doctors now that they have to log everything in or do virtual appts.