Justified in being upset that my Mom works while she visits us?
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Anonymous
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My parents live 8 hours away from us. Dad is fully retired, Mom is still working. Due to some health problems and scheduling issues, my parents are visiting us (5 yr old, 1 yr old) for the first time in six months. In the time since the previous visit, my Mom has gone on and on about how much she missses us, wants to see the kids and build a bond with them, etc, etc.
During this trip, when theres been downtime, my Mom will pull out her laptop to “take care of a couple emails” which is kinda irritating because I took off of work to spend more time with them during this visit. However, the tipping point came today. When I asked what time they’d be leaving their hotel to come to our place, I was told that “mom has a work situation she has to deal with.” Eventually, my Dad came over on his own about two hours later. I talked to my Dad about it, and asked if the work crisis was self inflicted or something that truly only my Mom could deal with. His response was that it was a little of both, but that my Mom really should have the wherewithal to delegate these tasks to others, but ultimately he was kind of like “well that’s just how she is” Anyways, this is still fresh, but am I justified in feeling this way? |
Anonymous
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No. You can’t dictate when and where your mother works. Clearly she still needs to work so I’d respect that - fully.. Also, she’s working during downtime of this trip .. Not like she slipping the laptop open in the middle of dinner or a kids recital. Ease up just a bit. |
Anonymous
| Flipping^ |
Anonymous
| Eh, my Dad's a semi retired doctor but stuff still comes up. His work is important to him and if I tried to force the issue he wouldn't be happy. You have to meet people where they are. She's here, it's not constant, be patient. |
Anonymous
| No. You are completely out of line. She has a job. |
Anonymous
| If you took the week off work to be with them then you have the right to feel irritated. I get it, I know how hard it is when your parents say they want to be grandparents badly and then don’t help out. |
Anonymous
| I’d say it depends. Is Mom a CEO or Business Owner, where the buck truly stops with her? If so, then I’d say you’re not justified in being upset about this, but if she’s more of a middle manager/individual contributor level, that’s different. |
Anonymous
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Sounds like a case of mismatched expectations- you thought it would be a big deal visit like a vacation, and she thought it was more informal and she could do at your house what she would normally do at hers.
Has she missed a lot of work lately as a result of the health issues you mentioned? Sometimes that makes people feel like they’re on thin ice at work and need to be extra available to make up for it. |
Anonymous
Not unless you have communicated all this. She isn’t a mind reader. |
Anonymous
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OP it should be okay to have a conversation with your mom about this. To set shared expectations or better understand her situation.
Sometimes you just won't be able to get on the same page and sometimes you just have to accept that as well. I remember visiting my parents pre-kids and wanting to engage with them and my mom snapping at me that I had no idea how much time cooking etc takes. But frankly I would have been happy to get takeout for a night and go out for an activity together. |
Anonymous
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Why are they staying at a hotel if you wanted as much together time as possible? Why do they have downtime if you are off work for the sole purpose of spending time with them.
Those things don’t match with the expectation that the only focus for everyone’s time this trip are to be together. If you asked them to stay with you and they refused or if they keep creating downtime even though you are trying to set up activities or spend quality time talking to them…then maybe your expectation for a vacation is too intense for them. But if you didn’t offer to host them or have also done tasks that aren’t specifically about them so they are sitting around…then you have no leg to stand on. It doesn’t sound like your mom is spending day working but finding little bits of time here and there as work arises. |
Anonymous
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Sounds like maybe she didn't take this time off for vacation and is trying to work remotely while visiting you.
Maybe try planning things out of the house so it's not just "sitting around your living room playing puzzles" and more "going to the aquarium". |
Anonymous
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Does it matter if you're justified in being annoyed or not? If the majority of us say, yes, you're justified, will that change your mom's behavior? If the majority of us say no, you aren't justified, will you no longer be annoyed?
I recommend just accepting it if she's still interacting with your kids and doing things with you when you're together. If you can't, then you can say "if you work while you visit next time, you can't come back" but that likely isn't going to change her. If she's not available for certain things, then don't wait for her and do them with your dad. You can't change other people - you can only change how you react. |
Anonymous
PP here. +1 I have a limited amount of vacation, if I'm out of the office, I just have more work when I get back. I hate taking time off and just hanging out "chatting" if it's more than just a day or two. And even then, it has to be actually relaxing - not entertaining and feeding kids. |
Anonymous
| Of course you are! I can’t believe you took time off to spend with them and they completely f***ed off. I’d be livid. The next time they ask to visit I’d agree but tell them I won’t be taking time off, we can hang out evenings and weekends. |