Boyfriend told me to “shut the F up”

[Anonymous]

How did he say it? Was it in a “get outta town!” kind of town, or a clenched teeth kind of tone? If he were seething angry when he said it, then you can probably expect his behavior to escalate at some point in the future, potentially when you’re “stuck” with the wedding a week away or a baby on the way.

If he was sloppy and talking like he would with his frat bros, then he’s probably trainable for this kind of thing to not be a recurring offense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The mask is slipping.

Have you been in therapy after your abusive relationship? I’m wondering if you picked the same type of guy. Clearly he’s not a good, kind person, he was just able to hide it better.

I’m sorry op. I’d peace out before he gets more comfortable using that type of language and behavior.

This right here. Using language like that against someone you love is never acceptable. I wouldn’t stand for it because you know in your heart of hearts that it will happen again.

This is important, too: what kind of dog are we talking about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That was not okay. You should consider if you want a man to treat you that way. I would not.

Counterpoint: everyone makes mistakes. I’ve heard worse from my wife.

Abusing your spouse is not a “mistake”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That was not okay. You should consider if you want a man to treat you that way. I would not.

Counterpoint: everyone makes mistakes. I’ve heard worse from my wife.

No one should be spoken to like that by a loved one. It is abusive.

Glad you’re perfect. But with mere mortals, they make mistakes. The whole picture matters and context matters.

"He only hit me once"
"He only raped me once"
"He only stabbed me once"
wtf is wrong with you

She only abandoned him once...

LOL men comparing a man stabbing a woman to a woman leaving a man 😵‍💫 These men are genuinely deranged.

They have to convince random women on the internet not to leave their abusive spouses…just in case it’s their poor gf posting. Can’t have women standing up for themselves…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend of a year recently told me to “shut the f up”. He had been drinking when he said it. We were having a convo about his dog, who he loves deeply like family. Recently he’s been being more strict with her, making her wear a muzzle, keeping her leash tighter, etc. I suggested he lighten up and little and told him whenever I watch her she’s well behaved.

Then he told me to “shut the f up”. He said as someone who’s never owned a dog I’m not an expert on the matter, and that he would be devastated if she died or hurt someone, so he was doing what he saw fit.

I’m good with him doing what he wants. I didn’t feel super strongly about my views, just was offering them up. He’s never spoken to me like this before. He is very sweet with me, faithful, and we’ve been discussing getting married.

I had an abusive relationship in the past that started with my ex talking to me like that constantly, then escalated to hitting, so I’m super sensitive.

Afterwards I told him how I felt and that I never want either of us to speak like that. He apologized and said he didn’t mean to hurt me and it won’t happen again. How big a deal is this?

Big deal. And no, nothing about your posts indicates that this is a good guy. The behavior with the dog and his response to you. You can leave. That poor dog can't. Maybe you can take the dog.

So ..you've heard about red flags, right? Here's a red flag- actually 2 of them. You are actually lucky he finally started waving them.

[Anonymous]

I would leave him. I won't be with a man who gets so drunk that he will say or do things like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:(Serious post.)

OP, your boyfriend is treating you just as he is his dog; pay attention to the metaphor as he wants to muzzle you & keep you on a tight leash. Get out now as his treatment of you will only worsen.

I am the pp who thinks context matters.

But I agree, the dog treatment (even if the dog is snarling at people, a muzzle is a temporary solution and training is the fix) together with the drinking and telling someone to “shut the f up” paints a concerning picture.

That said, missing details here could shift the narrative completely. And I’d want to consider those too before ending a relationship.

This. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

When I was young and stupid, I would have forgiven him. But now that I’m older and wiser, there is no way I would tolerate a man speaking to me that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That was not okay. You should consider if you want a man to treat you that way. I would not.

Counterpoint: everyone makes mistakes. I’ve heard worse from my wife.

No one should be spoken to like that by a loved one. It is abusive.

Glad you’re perfect. But with mere mortals, they make mistakes. The whole picture matters and context matters.

"He only hit me once"
"He only raped me once"
"He only stabbed me once"
wtf is wrong with you

Great question. Happy to answer it.

Words aren’t actually violence no matter how much left wing academia tries to make it so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Wow this got a
Lot of responses. I will answer some of the questions asked.

He said it in a way where he was annoyed. He wasn’t yelling. I think he was upset that I wasn’t treating the dog the same way he does, when I have her by myself.

The dog bit someone a few weeks back and thus the muzzle and his tight leash. He is very serious about dog training. We were in an area though that has light traffic, so I was just suggesting maybe the dog good get a moment of freedom since no one was around.

He said that he wasn’t saying it in a way to hurt me. I think as another poster said he is more liberal with words and the alcohol definitely aided that. I just don’t ever want to talk like that with each other. I’ve never seen any signs of him speaking poorly to me before this instance.

Some people allow “stfu” to slip out and they don’t mean it like so many people here interpret it.

That said, you’re well within your rights to request he not speak to you like that and expect that he not speak to you like that going forward.

If a professional dog trainer, vet, or insurance company is suggesting the muzzle, then this isn’t really mistreatment.

Though a dog that has bitten is a very difficult training subject. Both of you need to be reasonable about what outcomes you expect from training.

My guess is he’s very attached to this dog and he’s nervous that he will need to put him down. Or, he knows he will need to put him down and it’s causing a lot of stress.

If you think the comment was made in frustration and due to a lot of stress and not anger and there is no history - it seems reasonable to provide a second chance (but be strict about it - there’s no reason to stick around someone who won’t play by reasonable rules). loop

I think a lot of posters imagined him screaming and being hateful. Being frustrated and saying it isn’t great but it’s several degrees less severe.

Consider whether you’d like to have children with this person. Imagine that statement or attitude with your child. Few things in my life have been more challenging and frustrating than raising a child. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Nope, sorry. You have to end the relationship. Maybe therapy to understand why you’re attracting partners who do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope, sorry. You have to end the relationship. Maybe therapy to understand why you’re attracting partners who do this.

And staying with them after they show her who they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re otherwise inclined to stick around you need to mentally commit to no more strikes - anything more and you’re out.

It’s not great - but some guys speak that way to their friends, especially when drinking, and when drinking may have forgotten where he was.

That said if he said it with real vitriol and anger/meanness, I’d take it as a pretty big warning sign

Gross. Condoning abusive behavior is NOT it. This was a glaring red warning sign, the fact that you would encourage someone to give their abuser another chance is disgusting.

Take your personal mess to a therapist so you don't project it onto the stories of others. This isn't the crisis you're alleging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That was not okay. You should consider if you want a man to treat you that way. I would not.

Counterpoint: everyone makes mistakes. I’ve heard worse from my wife.

No one should be spoken to like that by a loved one. It is abusive.

Glad you’re perfect. But with mere mortals, they make mistakes. The whole picture matters and context matters.

"He only hit me once"
"He only raped me once"
"He only stabbed me once"
wtf is wrong with you

Nothing is wrong with the PP, but there's something unhinged about you. A swear word, however unpleasant you may find it, isn't anywhere near comparable to the examples you cite. Settle down, you sound hysterical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In a raised voice?

That’s not how have an important discussion.

If his dog is out of control, neighbors are complaining about noise or attacks, and he is t doing anything or even talking about id be done. He has no conflict resolution or communication skills.

Offering a person unsolicited advice about something that isn't even your business while they're minding theirs and having a drink isn't how to have an important conversation either.

Nitpick and nag me while I'm enjoying my peace and I'll swear at you, too! Y'all need to take responsibility for the energy you bring to a space. You can't just jump into someone's space and business, mind it like it's your own, and then expect to be treated with civility and boundaries you yourself didn't respect.

"Would you like some feedback about that?" "Would outside advice be useful to you?" "Would you like my thoughts on the subject?"

A lot of y'all seem to think you have all the right answers, but NOBODY ASKED. All unsolicited advice is criticism. You started it, and now you want to be mad that he swore? Don't start with disrespect and then act surprised you're met with disrespect.

Men justifying abuse. Classic.

Idiot claiming their shit doesn't stink. Classic.

-not a man