Boyfriend told me to “shut the F up”

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Nope. You get one chance. He'll keep doing it

So you're cool with getting dumped for one mistake, even after you apologize? Must be nice to always be perfect...

It’s not hard to not curse at your family. I’m sorry that you were raised to accept this behavior as normal.

Normal or not normal. It seems what is hard for you to accept is that people are different than you are. Your world view isn’t the only acceptable outlook. It’s what works for you but there are different types who can be totally fine people who get there a different way than you do

This is what you're failing to understand - there are differences of opinion, and then there are standards of decent behavior. You want to live in a big city because you like urban life? That's fine, others prefer rural areas with lots of space. Neither of you is right. Those are called preferences. There are no laws about whether you have to like the city or the country. There are, however, laws regarding how you talk to people, including cursing at them. Those are preferences, those are actual rules for human behavior. So the fact that you keep trying to insist that those who say cursing at people isn't okay are merely expressing their opinion, and you're entitled to your opinion, which is that it is totally fine to curse at people, shows how ridiculous you are. Oh no, there I go, calling you name! How dare I!

You think cursing at people is against the law? What on earth? Did you really just make that argument?

Look it up. It can, in fact, be illegal behavior. I know what you're going to say - that what OP's boyfriend did and the way he did it (because he wasn't angry! ) doesn't rise to the level of a crime. The point is, what you're deeming to be ok behavior is actually not. Whether what OP's boyfriend did is would be a crime or not isn't the point. But honestly, I'm tired of trying to get you to understand. I can only truly hope that you learn something from this thread and stop cursing at people.

I'm going to curse more, in fact. Eff y'all.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Why are people getting caught up in a word? It’s the intent that matters.

Actually, it's the impact which matters. Op is now doubting herself, him and the relationship. She has a history of abuse. If her bf is aware of her history, that makes his cussing at her that much worse.

If words have an impact that aren’t intended that’s called a mistake

Exactly. It happened once, he took responsibility and apologized...

Lot of people on this thread acting like they never screw up.

If you knew anything about abusers, you would know that this is their party line. Some people are smart enough to realize that.

This is confusing to me. So you expect perfection and anything short of perfection is abuse? Where are you going with this?

I don't understand why you are having such a hard time with this other than that you have been conditioned to think that some behavior is normal or acceptable when it is not.

The idea of "everyone screws up" or "he apologized so you should let it go" is the kind of thing abusers say to justify or excuse their behavior and get the victim to continue taking it.

That you keep insisting people here are saying they expect perfection is missing the point, which means you're either being intentionally obtuse or someone actually rewired your brain to think this way.

Textbook. 100% right out of the abuser textbook. The men decrying op standing up for herself sound like major abusers themselves.

“Know her place”

Chilling.

Yeah, "chilling". He said a no-no word, without anger.

Y'all are hysterical.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Why are people getting caught up in a word? It’s the intent that matters.

Actually, it's the impact which matters. Op is now doubting herself, him and the relationship. She has a history of abuse. If her bf is aware of her history, that makes his cussing at her that much worse.

If words have an impact that aren’t intended that’s called a mistake

Exactly. It happened once, he took responsibility and apologized...

Lot of people on this thread acting like they never screw up.

If you knew anything about abusers, you would know that this is their party line. Some people are smart enough to realize that.

This is confusing to me. So you expect perfection and anything short of perfection is abuse? Where are you going with this?

Manners and basic decency is not perfection. It is a minimum for normal conduct for an adult.

And this has to happen 100% of the time.. in other words, perfection.

Um yeah, plenty of us have said that we have NEVER cursed at someone in our lives. I don't know why you think this is such an unattainable ideal.

Plenty of people smugly saying this are AHs in a dozen other ways, but go off...

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Why are people getting caught up in a word? It’s the intent that matters.

Actually, it's the impact which matters. Op is now doubting herself, him and the relationship. She has a history of abuse. If her bf is aware of her history, that makes his cussing at her that much worse.

If words have an impact that aren’t intended that’s called a mistake

Exactly. It happened once, he took responsibility and apologized...

Lot of people on this thread acting like they never screw up.

If you knew anything about abusers, you would know that this is their party line. Some people are smart enough to realize that.

This is confusing to me. So you expect perfection and anything short of perfection is abuse? Where are you going with this?

Manners and basic decency is not perfection. It is a minimum for normal conduct for an adult.

And this has to happen 100% of the time.. in other words, perfection.

An adult has to act like an adult 100% of the time or seek help to uncover why they aren't acting their age and to become emotionally mature. This is not perfection, it is standard operating procedure for adults.

I bet this guy wouldn’t tell his boss to shut the f*** up. People know how to be adults and show respect - to people they think are worthy of it.

He only punches down.

Eh. I think you’re unaware of how certain classes of people interact. 2 guys drinking, let’s say Verizon store employees, where the boss insults the employees dog? It could be worse than stfu and everyone would go to the work the next day like nothing happened.

I think people here live a very sheltered life.

Uh do you work at Verizon? Even if you do, I don’t think you would tell your boss to shut the f u c k up. Stop pretending you go around telling everyone this. You target women and others who you think you can control. You’re full of sh!t if you think men regularly go around swearing AT your bosses. You know how to behave when your pay check is on the line, you choose not to while behind closed doors.

Take as old as time.

Like I said, you live a sheltered life if you think there’s not a whole class of workers who, when drinking, wouldn’t tell their boss to stfu and then everyone go back to work the next day and it’s all fine.

Not everyone works in a corporate office or the government. The fact that you think everyone in the world is as buttoned up with language as you are is truly wild. It’s a big world out there. There are a lot of different people.

There's also a whole group of men out there who think it's ok to beat their wives. Are those the same people? Or are those people offensive to you? Just trying to figure out where you draw the line.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I demand respect from my partner and I still feel like this is blowing one incident out of proportion. You told him not to speak to you like that again and he should abide by that. But I don't think this is some life shattering incident. As you note, it's triggering for you given your past but only you know the full context of how your current BF acts and treats you and whether this was a major outlier that he can be forgiven for and learn from. You can also learn from it. As you acknowledged, this is a sensitive subject for him (his dog and how to care for it) and none of us know the words, tone or attitude with which you approached it. He should not use that language with you but he also has a right to stand up for himself on something that's important to him. I think the conversation you had afterwards is a good sign.

I'd say, take a step back and try to look at the situation as objectively as you can--ask a trusted friend for feedback on how they think he treats you. Try to assess whether you feel happy, strong and like yourself when you are with him. If not, re-assess the relationship. If so, take his apology and make it clear you cannot tolerate a response like that again.

This is exactly right. No one here has enough information to tell you that this is 1 strike and you’re out. They’re projecting their own experiences onto you.

Do your friends like the guy? You shouldn’t always listen to your friends - but I think if you have well-grounded thoughtful insightful friends, you should ask them.

Don’t ask your perpetually single party girl friends with impossible standards and secretly want you to be single because they’re mean girls.

What a gross misogynistic thing to say. Mansplaining mean girls to grown women is pretty disgusting.

We aren’t all projecting into op, we are taking her abusive history into account which makes it more difficult to sort through these emotions. Your extreme push for women to stay with abusive men is getting very very weird.

The OP undoubtedly has catty single part girl friends who would tell her to break up with just about anyone to keep themselves happy. Don’t ask them.

I think it’s weird you want her to trust YOU an anonymous poster on the internet and not consult her friends. Talk about controlling.

Again, where do you get this misogynistic garbage? Doesn’t sound like you know much about female friendships. Andrew Tate telling you to isolate women from her single friends is not it.

Actually I said ask thoughtful insightful friends. And I said don’t ask catty single party girl friends who don’t have your best interests at heart. This has nothing to do with Andrew Tate. If you’re unaware that there are women who want to party their whole lives and give absolutely horrible advice then I guess you’re either one of them or you’re lucky.

I don't know any women like this. You, on the other hand, seem to. So which one of us should be discussing what is proper behavior?

It’s great that you don’t. I don’t either anymore. 20 years ago, I knew plenty. Some of them never grew up and are still like that but in different orbits.

Why is it so hard to imagine that not everyone is like you?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Trying again:


You are conflating the use of profanity generally by a person with profanity directed with specificity by a person at his partner. They're not the same thing.

There's still a world of difference between a non-angry "stfu" and "STFU you bleeping bleep!"

The STFU followed by lecturing and in the context of how he’s handling the dog is all we needed to know. Btw you’re talking to multiple people who are exactly on the same page.

Yeah, there's a lot of messy people in this thread who can't follow a thread and are projecting, hard, sure. She lectured him about his dog, while he was minding his own business, and got a dismissive, but not violent, STFU.

If she wants to break up with him, she should. But treating this like some sort of nuclear calamity is unhinged and way over the top. That howevermany of you are "exactly on the same page" (on the anon forum, which is full of trolls and sockpuppets) doesn't make you right.

So she deserved it, right?

Nuance isn't possible with you, is it? She's blameless, he's garbage, your black and white logic has decreed How It Is and your rigid mind can't possibly accept otherwise.

Meanwhile, in reality, most conflicts that aren't crimes have more than one "bad guy" and responsible adults all claim their part. You don't get to badger someone and then claim victim status when they clap back. He didn't tell her to STFU out of the blue.

Right, so she deserved it? What else do you think she deserved? What if she was even more annoying than she had been? At what point does he get to hit her? I mean, she'd deserve it, right?

Who said hit her? Someone tried to point out that he didn't just randomly start Touretting swears at her. Why can't you hear that without doing all of this?

Right, so she deserved it? You're saying her behavior in telling her boyfriend that he should lighten up with the dog means she deserves whatever he responds with? Or do you draw a line somewhere? Tell me where your victim blaming scale tips.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:That was not okay. You should consider if you want a man to treat you that way. I would not.

Counterpoint: everyone makes mistakes. I’ve heard worse from my wife.

No one should be spoken to like that by a loved one. It is abusive.

Glad you’re perfect. But with mere mortals, they make mistakes. The whole picture matters and context matters.

Of course people make mistakes, yet somehow some of us have managed to go our whole lives without talking to someone like that.

Right, because being a smug ah on an anon board makes you better somehow...

You think not cursing at people is being smug? Wow your bar is super low.

You think not cursing at people is being great? Wow your bar is super low.

Not cursing at people is basic manners and human decency.

How sad is it that all we're supporting for op is literally basic human decency, and some people show up and say that's still too much. Wow.

Some of the people who aren't OP claiming they're "supporting" op for "literally basic human decency" are dehumanizing the man she loves and calling him literal trash, so, you know, maybe consider your approach if you're trying to convince people you give half a rat's ass about decency...

So who has more value, op or her bf? I submit that bf cursing at op devalues not only her, but him. He is an adult who is not conducting himself as such. Cussing is abusive language. He crossed a line. He has some maturing to do. Op has healing to do from her past, which involved abuse. She is in a relationship with someone who used abusive language while drunk! when he could've politely told her to stand down or whatever he was trying to convey. Presumeably the last person who abused op didn't start out full bore abusive. Likely it started with little things such as dismissing her perspectives and name calling her. Both op and bf have values as human beings...bf devalued both of them.

OP devalued her boyfriend when she got up on her condescension stage and started telling him whats what about his own life/dog/choices. OP, as an adult, had no business telling another adult to do with his dog. Nobody asked. Nobody needed or wanted her ignorant take. OP needs to get a better sense of boundaries and learn how and when to have conversations about things that aren't her business. She came in hot telling someone else what to do with their life, and got clapped back for it. Could he have been more polite? Yes. Could she have been more mature and respectful about knowing her place and choosing a more appropriate time for her rant? absolutely.

No victims here, just bad choices all around. But because he said a no-no word, he's the perp? Y'all are a mess.

WHOOP THERE IT IS. She didn't "know her place" and deserved to get "clapped back" for it. You're just another abuser. Stay away from women and children.

Yes, the indication is in the language used. "Know her place"?

Hopefully she now knows that her place is not with him. This isn't Gilead, or the 1800's.

Agreed! I know it must be hard for OP, having a background of abuse and second guessing your gut on everything. I hope she reads these messages and feels emboldened to stand up for herself, and hold people accountable.

Betch, if you follow the thread, OP, who is not your child, already did exactly that. But it wasn't good enough for you harpies. He needs to burn for his horrible crime of non-aggressively swearing.

Your calling women harpies and c***s and then saying this language is totally normal and not an issue is a huge disconnect. You think it’s no big deal to swear at a spouse because you are fine swearing to women in general. Some people have standards, sorry you continually fall below them.

How are you so comfortable saying what strangers are and why? The arrogance is astonishing. You think you have everyone figured out, but you don't even seem to notice your own reactivity. It's a trip!

Right, I’m arrogant for calling out a man calling women multiple derogatory names while trying to justify abusive language to partners. You are the trip sir.

Op, again, the men who think cursing at gfs is fine are the same ones who call them harpies and c*nts and “betch”. Take note of what you want in your future.

Op, pay attention to the language pps use. Some men out here who think your bf was fine are calling women all sorts of nasty names here. The people who agree with your bf are calling women c***s because they think you deserve better. How is this the type of person you’d even consider dating? Yikes on a bike.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Why are people getting caught up in a word? It’s the intent that matters.

Actually, it's the impact which matters. Op is now doubting herself, him and the relationship. She has a history of abuse. If her bf is aware of her history, that makes his cussing at her that much worse.

If words have an impact that aren’t intended that’s called a mistake

Exactly. It happened once, he took responsibility and apologized...

Lot of people on this thread acting like they never screw up.

If you knew anything about abusers, you would know that this is their party line. Some people are smart enough to realize that.

This is confusing to me. So you expect perfection and anything short of perfection is abuse? Where are you going with this?

Manners and basic decency is not perfection. It is a minimum for normal conduct for an adult.

And this has to happen 100% of the time.. in other words, perfection.

An adult has to act like an adult 100% of the time or seek help to uncover why they aren't acting their age and to become emotionally mature. This is not perfection, it is standard operating procedure for adults.

I bet this guy wouldn’t tell his boss to shut the f*** up. People know how to be adults and show respect - to people they think are worthy of it.

He only punches down.

Eh. I think you’re unaware of how certain classes of people interact. 2 guys drinking, let’s say Verizon store employees, where the boss insults the employees dog? It could be worse than stfu and everyone would go to the work the next day like nothing happened.

I think people here live a very sheltered life.

Uh do you work at Verizon? Even if you do, I don’t think you would tell your boss to shut the f u c k up. Stop pretending you go around telling everyone this. You target women and others who you think you can control. You’re full of sh!t if you think men regularly go around swearing AT your bosses. You know how to behave when your pay check is on the line, you choose not to while behind closed doors.

Take as old as time.

Like I said, you live a sheltered life if you think there’s not a whole class of workers who, when drinking, wouldn’t tell their boss to stfu and then everyone go back to work the next day and it’s all fine.

Not everyone works in a corporate office or the government. The fact that you think everyone in the world is as buttoned up with language as you are is truly wild. It’s a big world out there. There are a lot of different people.

So you’re trying to turn it into a class thing now? Ops bf is a low class loser who swears at everyone? What a catch…

Not pp but way to prove the point, classless classist ass...

Pp isn’t the one that brought class into this discussion - you did. Many of us think this behavior is vulgar no matter what class you are.

To be fair, I did. I think there’s a lot of people struggling to understand there’s multiple posters here.

Anyway, it totally is a class thing - most things are whether you want to acknowledge it or not.

Different backgrounds and different classes communicate differently. People are different. Hence why I think the OP should ask her well-grounded, insightful, thoughtful friends for feedback. If I was going to fire someone in the workplace a 365 review would be a step I would take before firing - and I wouldn’t add the crazy person who rants and raves about everything on the list to be interviewed. It’s not complicated.

So you say it’s low class behavior. Cool. Maybe op should hold herself to higher standards than “hasn’t hit me yet”, even if you disagree.

It’s not “low class” per se - it’s just people are different. I am an optimist and think people deserve some benefit of the doubt and that in the heat of a (drunken) moment by someone who is (likely) young - it’s a teachable moment not a reason to break up.

Sure there are all sorts of facts that could exist that would change my mind. But those haven’t been shared. The problem here is that there is nothing that would change your mind. You think it’s irredeemable and equal to being hit. It’s just totally nutty. You can’t possibly live your life with such black and white outlook. I just don’t believe it.

This. So many closed-minded people on this thread ready to call someone "garbage" and "trash" over things they're only hearing about online, utterly refusing to consider anything else, including their own mistake-prone nature. Lot of folks acting really smug that they don't swear, as if that magically makes them better than...

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Would "shut up" have been okay? How about "stop talking"?

Y'all are making a lot of fuss over what amounts to a tone argument. I hope your tone is always unimpeachable, but your comments already reveal that's a lie.

I think telling someone to shut up is rude. He could certainly have told her he didn't want to discuss the topic anymore. He's entitled to be upset at her opinion that she knows more about his dog than she does. He is not entitled to speak to her rudely. I know, I know, you're going to say that she was speaking to him rudely by interrupting his drinking to tell him she's smarter than he is, but that's where you don't get it. So honestly, keep on treating people badly because there's no point in having a conversation with you. The rest of us, and there are many, I am only one of many posters who disagree with you, will go about our happy lives.

Hee! Your "happy life" arguing with anons about things that didn't even happen to you, and may not have even happened at all... Cute.

What I get, plainly, is that some of you are so misandrist that he's going to be the AH, no matter what, because you can't possibly fathom that a woman did something stupid and participated in her own unhappiness. Good luck with that.

The good thing is, it's super easy to weed out guys like you because you'll say this kind of stuff like it's totally normal to think this way. That helps the rest of us avoid you.

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Anonymous wrote:That was not okay. You should consider if you want a man to treat you that way. I would not.

Counterpoint: everyone makes mistakes. I’ve heard worse from my wife.

No one should be spoken to like that by a loved one. It is abusive.

Glad you’re perfect. But with mere mortals, they make mistakes. The whole picture matters and context matters.

Of course people make mistakes, yet somehow some of us have managed to go our whole lives without talking to someone like that.

Right, because being a smug ah on an anon board makes you better somehow...

You think not cursing at people is being smug? Wow your bar is super low.

You think not cursing at people is being great? Wow your bar is super low.

Not cursing at people is basic manners and human decency.

How sad is it that all we're supporting for op is literally basic human decency, and some people show up and say that's still too much. Wow.

Some of the people who aren't OP claiming they're "supporting" op for "literally basic human decency" are dehumanizing the man she loves and calling him literal trash, so, you know, maybe consider your approach if you're trying to convince people you give half a rat's ass about decency...

So who has more value, op or her bf? I submit that bf cursing at op devalues not only her, but him. He is an adult who is not conducting himself as such. Cussing is abusive language. He crossed a line. He has some maturing to do. Op has healing to do from her past, which involved abuse. She is in a relationship with someone who used abusive language while drunk! when he could've politely told her to stand down or whatever he was trying to convey. Presumeably the last person who abused op didn't start out full bore abusive. Likely it started with little things such as dismissing her perspectives and name calling her. Both op and bf have values as human beings...bf devalued both of them.

OP devalued her boyfriend when she got up on her condescension stage and started telling him whats what about his own life/dog/choices. OP, as an adult, had no business telling another adult to do with his dog. Nobody asked. Nobody needed or wanted her ignorant take. OP needs to get a better sense of boundaries and learn how and when to have conversations about things that aren't her business. She came in hot telling someone else what to do with their life, and got clapped back for it. Could he have been more polite? Yes. Could she have been more mature and respectful about knowing her place and choosing a more appropriate time for her rant? absolutely.

No victims here, just bad choices all around. But because he said a no-no word, he's the perp? Y'all are a mess.

WHOOP THERE IT IS. She didn't "know her place" and deserved to get "clapped back" for it. You're just another abuser. Stay away from women and children.

Yes, the indication is in the language used. "Know her place"?

Hopefully she now knows that her place is not with him. This isn't Gilead, or the 1800's.

Agreed! I know it must be hard for OP, having a background of abuse and second guessing your gut on everything. I hope she reads these messages and feels emboldened to stand up for herself, and hold people accountable.

Betch, if you follow the thread, OP, who is not your child, already did exactly that. But it wasn't good enough for you harpies. He needs to burn for his horrible crime of non-aggressively swearing.

Your calling women harpies and c***s and then saying this language is totally normal and not an issue is a huge disconnect. You think it’s no big deal to swear at a spouse because you are fine swearing to women in general. Some people have standards, sorry you continually fall below them.

How are you so comfortable saying what strangers are and why? The arrogance is astonishing. You think you have everyone figured out, but you don't even seem to notice your own reactivity. It's a trip!

Right, I’m arrogant for calling out a man calling women multiple derogatory names while trying to justify abusive language to partners. You are the trip sir.

Op, again, the men who think cursing at gfs is fine are the same ones who call them harpies and c*nts and “betch”. Take note of what you want in your future.

Op, pay attention to the language pps use. Some men out here who think your bf was fine are calling women all sorts of nasty names here. The people who agree with your bf are calling women c***s because they think you deserve better. How is this the type of person you’d even consider dating? Yikes on a bike.

And the people calling a man they've never met "garbage" and "trash" because of what they read on an anon board? Do them next...

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:That was not okay. You should consider if you want a man to treat you that way. I would not.

Counterpoint: everyone makes mistakes. I’ve heard worse from my wife.

No one should be spoken to like that by a loved one. It is abusive.

Glad you’re perfect. But with mere mortals, they make mistakes. The whole picture matters and context matters.

Of course people make mistakes, yet somehow some of us have managed to go our whole lives without talking to someone like that.

Right, because being a smug ah on an anon board makes you better somehow...

You think not cursing at people is being smug? Wow your bar is super low.

You think not cursing at people is being great? Wow your bar is super low.

Not cursing at people is basic manners and human decency.

How sad is it that all we're supporting for op is literally basic human decency, and some people show up and say that's still too much. Wow.

Some of the people who aren't OP claiming they're "supporting" op for "literally basic human decency" are dehumanizing the man she loves and calling him literal trash, so, you know, maybe consider your approach if you're trying to convince people you give half a rat's ass about decency...

So who has more value, op or her bf? I submit that bf cursing at op devalues not only her, but him. He is an adult who is not conducting himself as such. Cussing is abusive language. He crossed a line. He has some maturing to do. Op has healing to do from her past, which involved abuse. She is in a relationship with someone who used abusive language while drunk! when he could've politely told her to stand down or whatever he was trying to convey. Presumeably the last person who abused op didn't start out full bore abusive. Likely it started with little things such as dismissing her perspectives and name calling her. Both op and bf have values as human beings...bf devalued both of them.

OP devalued her boyfriend when she got up on her condescension stage and started telling him whats what about his own life/dog/choices. OP, as an adult, had no business telling another adult to do with his dog. Nobody asked. Nobody needed or wanted her ignorant take. OP needs to get a better sense of boundaries and learn how and when to have conversations about things that aren't her business. She came in hot telling someone else what to do with their life, and got clapped back for it. Could he have been more polite? Yes. Could she have been more mature and respectful about knowing her place and choosing a more appropriate time for her rant? absolutely.

No victims here, just bad choices all around. But because he said a no-no word, he's the perp? Y'all are a mess.

WHOOP THERE IT IS. She didn't "know her place" and deserved to get "clapped back" for it. You're just another abuser. Stay away from women and children.

So women and children can just go around doing whatevertheeff and should expect a magically consequence-free life? And nobody's allowed to... swear about it, because that's too far...

Y'all are mental.

OMG so now you're condoning cursing at children? Got it. Keep it up, you're really spinning yourself quite a web here.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Would "shut up" have been okay? How about "stop talking"?

Y'all are making a lot of fuss over what amounts to a tone argument. I hope your tone is always unimpeachable, but your comments already reveal that's a lie.

I think telling someone to shut up is rude. He could certainly have told her he didn't want to discuss the topic anymore. He's entitled to be upset at her opinion that she knows more about his dog than she does. He is not entitled to speak to her rudely. I know, I know, you're going to say that she was speaking to him rudely by interrupting his drinking to tell him she's smarter than he is, but that's where you don't get it. So honestly, keep on treating people badly because there's no point in having a conversation with you. The rest of us, and there are many, I am only one of many posters who disagree with you, will go about our happy lives.

Hee! Your "happy life" arguing with anons about things that didn't even happen to you, and may not have even happened at all... Cute.

What I get, plainly, is that some of you are so misandrist that he's going to be the AH, no matter what, because you can't possibly fathom that a woman did something stupid and participated in her own unhappiness. Good luck with that.

The good thing is, it's super easy to weed out guys like you because you'll say this kind of stuff like it's totally normal to think this way. That helps the rest of us avoid you.

Okay, sweetie. I'm gonna let you think what you need to think about the things you don't know today. Stay cool!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Why are people getting caught up in a word? It’s the intent that matters.

Actually, it's the impact which matters. Op is now doubting herself, him and the relationship. She has a history of abuse. If her bf is aware of her history, that makes his cussing at her that much worse.

If words have an impact that aren’t intended that’s called a mistake

Exactly. It happened once, he took responsibility and apologized...

Lot of people on this thread acting like they never screw up.

If you knew anything about abusers, you would know that this is their party line. Some people are smart enough to realize that.

This is confusing to me. So you expect perfection and anything short of perfection is abuse? Where are you going with this?

I don't understand why you are having such a hard time with this other than that you have been conditioned to think that some behavior is normal or acceptable when it is not.

The idea of "everyone screws up" or "he apologized so you should let it go" is the kind of thing abusers say to justify or excuse their behavior and get the victim to continue taking it.

That you keep insisting people here are saying they expect perfection is missing the point, which means you're either being intentionally obtuse or someone actually rewired your brain to think this way.

Textbook. 100% right out of the abuser textbook. The men decrying op standing up for herself sound like major abusers themselves.

“Know her place”

Chilling.

Yeah, "chilling". He said a no-no word, without anger.

Y'all are hysterical.

Chilling in that saying a woman needs to know her place lest she get “clapped back” is incredibly disturbing. Not sure if that was you who posted it, but it’s extremely misogynistic and abusive language. Very disturbing to see people not only keep defending the bf, but increasing the violent language used towards other women. It’s very telling.

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Anonymous wrote:That was not okay. You should consider if you want a man to treat you that way. I would not.

Counterpoint: everyone makes mistakes. I’ve heard worse from my wife.

No one should be spoken to like that by a loved one. It is abusive.

Glad you’re perfect. But with mere mortals, they make mistakes. The whole picture matters and context matters.

Of course people make mistakes, yet somehow some of us have managed to go our whole lives without talking to someone like that.

Right, because being a smug ah on an anon board makes you better somehow...

You think not cursing at people is being smug? Wow your bar is super low.

You think not cursing at people is being great? Wow your bar is super low.

Not cursing at people is basic manners and human decency.

How sad is it that all we're supporting for op is literally basic human decency, and some people show up and say that's still too much. Wow.

Some of the people who aren't OP claiming they're "supporting" op for "literally basic human decency" are dehumanizing the man she loves and calling him literal trash, so, you know, maybe consider your approach if you're trying to convince people you give half a rat's ass about decency...

So who has more value, op or her bf? I submit that bf cursing at op devalues not only her, but him. He is an adult who is not conducting himself as such. Cussing is abusive language. He crossed a line. He has some maturing to do. Op has healing to do from her past, which involved abuse. She is in a relationship with someone who used abusive language while drunk! when he could've politely told her to stand down or whatever he was trying to convey. Presumeably the last person who abused op didn't start out full bore abusive. Likely it started with little things such as dismissing her perspectives and name calling her. Both op and bf have values as human beings...bf devalued both of them.

OP devalued her boyfriend when she got up on her condescension stage and started telling him whats what about his own life/dog/choices. OP, as an adult, had no business telling another adult to do with his dog. Nobody asked. Nobody needed or wanted her ignorant take. OP needs to get a better sense of boundaries and learn how and when to have conversations about things that aren't her business. She came in hot telling someone else what to do with their life, and got clapped back for it. Could he have been more polite? Yes. Could she have been more mature and respectful about knowing her place and choosing a more appropriate time for her rant? absolutely.

No victims here, just bad choices all around. But because he said a no-no word, he's the perp? Y'all are a mess.

WHOOP THERE IT IS. She didn't "know her place" and deserved to get "clapped back" for it. You're just another abuser. Stay away from women and children.

So women and children can just go around doing whatevertheeff and should expect a magically consequence-free life? And nobody's allowed to... swear about it, because that's too far...

Y'all are mental.

OMG so now you're condoning cursing at children? Got it. Keep it up, you're really spinning yourself quite a web here.

What's hilarious is that you're probably smart enough to get the point, you just really want to argue.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Why are people getting caught up in a word? It’s the intent that matters.

Actually, it's the impact which matters. Op is now doubting herself, him and the relationship. She has a history of abuse. If her bf is aware of her history, that makes his cussing at her that much worse.

If words have an impact that aren’t intended that’s called a mistake

Exactly. It happened once, he took responsibility and apologized...

Lot of people on this thread acting like they never screw up.

If you knew anything about abusers, you would know that this is their party line. Some people are smart enough to realize that.

This is confusing to me. So you expect perfection and anything short of perfection is abuse? Where are you going with this?

Manners and basic decency is not perfection. It is a minimum for normal conduct for an adult.

Manners and basic decency say you don't interrupt someone's evening to offer your unsolicited criticism of their business. Want to address that, or just keep ignoring it?

Read the OP:

We were having a convo about his dog, who he loves deeply like family. Recently he’s been being more strict with her, making her wear a muzzle, keeping her leash tighter, etc. I suggested he lighten up and little and told him whenever I watch her she’s well behaved.

Then he told me to “shut the f up”. He said as someone who’s never owned a dog I’m not an expert on the matter, and that he would be devastated if she died or hurt someone, so he was doing what he saw fit.

I’m good with him doing what he wants. I didn’t feel super strongly about my views, just was offering them up.

So OP should have just sat quietly next to her boyfriend once he started drinking, so as NOT TO INTERRUPT HIS EVENING? Jesus.