Boyfriend told me to “shut the F up”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend of a year recently told me to “shut the f up”. He had been drinking when he said it. We were having a convo about his dog, who he loves deeply like family. Recently he’s been being more strict with her, making her wear a muzzle, keeping her leash tighter, etc. I suggested he lighten up and little and told him whenever I watch her she’s well behaved.

Then he told me to “shut the f up”. He said as someone who’s never owned a dog I’m not an expert on the matter, and that he would be devastated if she died or hurt someone, so he was doing what he saw fit.

I’m good with him doing what he wants. I didn’t feel super strongly about my views, just was offering them up. He’s never spoken to me like this before. He is very sweet with me, faithful, and we’ve been discussing getting married.

I had an abusive relationship in the past that started with my ex talking to me like that constantly, then escalated to hitting, so I’m super sensitive.

Afterwards I told him how I felt and that I never want either of us to speak like that. He apologized and said he didn’t mean to hurt me and it won’t happen again. How big a deal is this?

Is he training the dog or something?

Why would you tell him to not “have a tight leash” with a dog. Unclear what that even means, a choker collar is common with large dogs.

Your jab about how the dog is nice when home with you was irrelevant to training or walking a dog in public.

You told him you were hurt and he apologized.

Check yourself and keep your eyes open.

And no where did you say the dog had an incident or aggression so what’s the big deal with a muzzle or collar or leash?

[Anonymous]

What exactly does “he’d be devastated if the dog died or hurt someone mean?

Don’t bury the lede here Op.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:That was not okay. You should consider if you want a man to treat you that way. I would not.

Counterpoint: everyone makes mistakes. I’ve heard worse from my wife.

No one should be spoken to like that by a loved one. It is abusive.

Glad you’re perfect. But with mere mortals, they make mistakes. The whole picture matters and context matters.

Not for me. I know that I will never be with a man who speaks to me this way.

So when dating partners did, I left until I found one who does not have temper tantrums like a child.

Temper tantrums is adding context that hasn’t been shared.

Context matters. Was it said in anger/maliciously? Was it said in an exasperated way while rolling eyes? The degree matters here. The literal words aren’t great but context very much matters. Some people are liberal with their profanity but the intent behind it isn’t as meaningful. Others can be spitting acid.

Profanity directed at a person isn't the same as profanity used in general exasperation.

[Anonymous]

Such a sloppy troll post OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In a raised voice?

That’s not how have an important discussion.

If his dog is out of control, neighbors are complaining about noise or attacks, and he is t doing anything or even talking about id be done. He has no conflict resolution or communication skills.

Offering a person unsolicited advice about something that isn't even your business while they're minding theirs and having a drink isn't how to have an important conversation either.

Nitpick and nag me while I'm enjoying my peace and I'll swear at you, too! Y'all need to take responsibility for the energy you bring to a space. You can't just jump into someone's space and business, mind it like it's your own, and then expect to be treated with civility and boundaries you yourself didn't respect.

"Would you like some feedback about that?" "Would outside advice be useful to you?" "Would you like my thoughts on the subject?"

A lot of y'all seem to think you have all the right answers, but NOBODY ASKED. All unsolicited advice is criticism. You started it, and now you want to be mad that he swore? Don't start with disrespect and then act surprised you're met with disrespect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That was not okay. You should consider if you want a man to treat you that way. I would not.

Counterpoint: everyone makes mistakes. I’ve heard worse from my wife.

No one should be spoken to like that by a loved one. It is abusive.

Glad you’re perfect. But with mere mortals, they make mistakes. The whole picture matters and context matters.

Not for me. I know that I will never be with a man who speaks to me this way.

So when dating partners did, I left until I found one who does not have temper tantrums like a child.

Temper tantrums is adding context that hasn’t been shared.

Context matters. Was it said in anger/maliciously? Was it said in an exasperated way while rolling eyes? The degree matters here. The literal words aren’t great but context very much matters. Some people are liberal with their profanity but the intent behind it isn’t as meaningful. Others can be spitting acid.

There is no context in which this is acceptable.

Sure there is. People use words to express themselves. Just because you don’t like the words doesn’t mean the intent or emotion behind them is necessary objectionable just because if you said it you’d mean it in an objectionable way.

[Anonymous]

It's time for you to end it but you don't want to clearly thus you're asking us for some sort of validation and you won't get any. He will escalate and as controlling as he is with the dog he will be with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:That was not okay. You should consider if you want a man to treat you that way. I would not.

Counterpoint: everyone makes mistakes. I’ve heard worse from my wife.

No one should be spoken to like that by a loved one. It is abusive.

Glad you’re perfect. But with mere mortals, they make mistakes. The whole picture matters and context matters.

Not for me. I know that I will never be with a man who speaks to me this way.

So when dating partners did, I left until I found one who does not have temper tantrums like a child.

Temper tantrums is adding context that hasn’t been shared.

Context matters. Was it said in anger/maliciously? Was it said in an exasperated way while rolling eyes? The degree matters here. The literal words aren’t great but context very much matters. Some people are liberal with their profanity but the intent behind it isn’t as meaningful. Others can be spitting acid.

There is no context in which this is acceptable.

Sure there is. People use words to express themselves. Just because you don’t like the words doesn’t mean the intent or emotion behind them is necessary objectionable just because if you said it you’d mean it in an objectionable way.

And we all can choose to not be around people who use such words towards us.

[Anonymous]

Get out now. You're not even married, no kids. It will get worse

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That was not okay. You should consider if you want a man to treat you that way. I would not.

Counterpoint: everyone makes mistakes. I’ve heard worse from my wife.

No one should be spoken to like that by a loved one. It is abusive.

Glad you’re perfect. But with mere mortals, they make mistakes. The whole picture matters and context matters.

Not for me. I know that I will never be with a man who speaks to me this way.

So when dating partners did, I left until I found one who does not have temper tantrums like a child.

Temper tantrums is adding context that hasn’t been shared.

Context matters. Was it said in anger/maliciously? Was it said in an exasperated way while rolling eyes? The degree matters here. The literal words aren’t great but context very much matters. Some people are liberal with their profanity but the intent behind it isn’t as meaningful. Others can be spitting acid.

There is no context in which this is acceptable.

Sure there is. People use words to express themselves. Just because you don’t like the words doesn’t mean the intent or emotion behind them is necessary objectionable just because if you said it you’d mean it in an objectionable way.

And we all can choose to not be around people who use such words towards us.

Ok and we also can choose to be around them… relevance?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That was not okay. You should consider if you want a man to treat you that way. I would not.

Counterpoint: everyone makes mistakes. I’ve heard worse from my wife.

No one should be spoken to like that by a loved one. It is abusive.

Glad you’re perfect. But with mere mortals, they make mistakes. The whole picture matters and context matters.

Not for me. I know that I will never be with a man who speaks to me this way.

So when dating partners did, I left until I found one who does not have temper tantrums like a child.

Temper tantrums is adding context that hasn’t been shared.

Context matters. Was it said in anger/maliciously? Was it said in an exasperated way while rolling eyes? The degree matters here. The literal words aren’t great but context very much matters. Some people are liberal with their profanity but the intent behind it isn’t as meaningful. Others can be spitting acid.

There is no context in which this is acceptable.

Sure there is. People use words to express themselves. Just because you don’t like the words doesn’t mean the intent or emotion behind them is necessary objectionable just because if you said it you’d mean it in an objectionable way.

Directing profanity at your partner is verbal abuse.

[Anonymous]

A lot of red flags here. Move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That was not okay. You should consider if you want a man to treat you that way. I would not.

Counterpoint: everyone makes mistakes. I’ve heard worse from my wife.

No one should be spoken to like that by a loved one. It is abusive.

Glad you’re perfect. But with mere mortals, they make mistakes. The whole picture matters and context matters.

NP. Even mere mortals have redlines that they know not to cross.

Also something tells me that PP has heard worse from his wife on more than 1 occasion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So women who are married should put up with cheating, gaslighting, physical abuse, verbal abuse, stealing, etc. But this woman who possibly went on for a long time about something she doesn't know about should leave this guy who had been drinking and probably had a headache from her? Maybe he should leave if she's so free with her advice and won't let up.

No one should tolerate abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That was not okay. You should consider if you want a man to treat you that way. I would not.

Counterpoint: everyone makes mistakes. I’ve heard worse from my wife.

No one should be spoken to like that by a loved one. It is abusive.

Glad you’re perfect. But with mere mortals, they make mistakes. The whole picture matters and context matters.

Not for me. I know that I will never be with a man who speaks to me this way.

So when dating partners did, I left until I found one who does not have temper tantrums like a child.

Temper tantrums is adding context that hasn’t been shared.

Context matters. Was it said in anger/maliciously? Was it said in an exasperated way while rolling eyes? The degree matters here. The literal words aren’t great but context very much matters. Some people are liberal with their profanity but the intent behind it isn’t as meaningful. Others can be spitting acid.

There is no context in which this is acceptable.

Sure there is. People use words to express themselves. Just because you don’t like the words doesn’t mean the intent or emotion behind them is necessary objectionable just because if you said it you’d mean it in an objectionable way.

Seems like a huge values mismatch. People who disagree with this should not continue to date people who agree with it.