Harsh comment on being a Sahm

[Anonymous]

I think the trade-off a lot of people don’t want to admit is the trade-off of children not having a father so that their wives can quit their job.

Sure, technically they have a father, but I have a father that only provides money and very little fathering.

And while we end up with a whole slew of kids who have been greatly mothered. They lack fathering.

Now that’s a trade-off a lot of us aren’t willing to trade off

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the trade-off a lot of people don’t want to admit is the trade-off of children not having a father so that their wives can quit their job.

Sure, technically they have a father, but I have a father that only provides money and very little fathering.

And while we end up with a whole slew of kids who have been greatly mothered. They lack fathering.

Now that’s a trade-off a lot of us aren’t willing to trade off

Plenty of SAHMs have husbands that work just 40 hours a week and are with the kids a ton.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you actually DO house stuff? Just asking bc my mom was a SAHM who watched tv and napped all day. She made dinner about four nights a week when I was little but eventually my dad took that over.

She'd drive us to after-school activities and otherwise didn't do much. But we were raised to never insult our parents so though we didn't respect her, didn't say anything about it to her face.

OMG are we siblings?

[Anonymous]

It bothers you OP because there's truth in what they say: playing tennis all day and doing pilates is not work it just isn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, teenagers aren’t very subtle but it is a valid question. Why do you need to be at home all day and not at work? It isn’t the 1950s. Hire a cleaner and order everything like groceries, etc.

Because I can! And I like to play tennis and do pilates after drop-off b/c I am #1 chauffeur from 3-9 pm with sports, activities, etc.

Is this satire???

Np. I mean…I have been considering leaving work and, yeah, I think I’d love leisurely afternoons, more time to workout, cook & clean, pursue my own hobbies, relax.

Being a sahm to older kids does carry responsibility and I’m sure can be very busy but I don’t see whats wrong with a sahm saying she’d prefer to play tennis or do Pilates than sit in an office. I get that

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The replies of ...show them by stopping doing the things for them that will show them!!...all that does is teach them this is an unsafe topic that will be met with hostility. They won't bring it up again but their opinion probably won't change. Their friends all have the same things done for them mostly with parents who both work. It doesn't answer their question what do you do all day while they're at school and why don't you have a job. Tell them what you do all day (I do a lot of things for our family that some families outsource could be an answer...I volunteer could be an answer...and guess what an answer could be I go to the gym every day which I really value...it's fine!) Explain why for your family this makes sense and why you don't have a job. I'm sure there are real and good reasons.

These teens did not make their comments with curiosity and thoughtfulness about how their mother spends their day. They were very purposefully insulting. Frankly, I think they could stand to learn that mean rude comments should stay in your head. Insults don’t need a “safe space.”

[Anonymous]

Don’t teach your daughters that a man is a plan. Unless mom is independently wealthy, she’s basically a dependent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, teenagers aren’t very subtle but it is a valid question. Why do you need to be at home all day and not at work? It isn’t the 1950s. Hire a cleaner and order everything like groceries, etc.

Why do you both need to be working all day and not spending more time at home and with your kids? Are you really that greedy or terrible with money that you can’t get by with one income? Are you really so incompetent at grocery shopping and cleaning that you actually need to bring in a surrogate mommy to this for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t teach your daughters that a man is a plan. Unless mom is independently wealthy, she’s basically a dependent.

While I agree with this and have always worked, I think it's critical that two parents plan together what their ideal family situation looks like. That's the essence of feminism to me. A woman is in a position to choose what's best for her and her family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t teach your daughters that a man is a plan. Unless mom is independently wealthy, she’s basically a dependent.

What do you think of all the folks being unceremoniously laid off right now with little hope of finding similar levels of employment any time soon?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not usually a very strict parent, but if my 13 year old said that to me I would make them submit to a week where I: do not drive them anywhere, including their favorite sports and classes, make them take the school bus, make them make their own meals, stop cleaning the house or doing the dishes, and stop doing laundry. If they have no idea what adulting looks like, we need to show them.

The thing is that all this gets done if both parents work. It’s not like their friends who have working parents don’t play sports, wear clean clothes or have dinner. Talk to your child about the pros and cons of staying home and why it works for you and DH and it may or may not work for then if they have families.

dp..

They may have "clean" clothes and eat dinner, but not necessarily home cooked meals, or eat dinner together.

And those parents are probably way more stressed out, which translates into more stress at home. And/or they outsource a lot of stuff, including their meals.

-signed a wfh mom

This is what people say to justify their own decisions and put down people who made different decisions.

Anyway a household with teens should always have clean clothes (because the teens should be doing their own laundry, no excuses) and a home cooked dinner. ANY household with teens is not eating diner together every night because those teens have activities in the evening.

I eat dinner with my teen every night. He might have one Friday night activity every six weeks or so at 7pm. We just eat dinner earlier that night.

Some people have more than one kid, and their daily activities don’t line up perfectly. We eat dinner with at least one of our kids/one parent every night, but the line-up changes depending on the day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not usually a very strict parent, but if my 13 year old said that to me I would make them submit to a week where I: do not drive them anywhere, including their favorite sports and classes, make them take the school bus, make them make their own meals, stop cleaning the house or doing the dishes, and stop doing laundry. If they have no idea what adulting looks like, we need to show them.

The thing is that all this gets done if both parents work. It’s not like their friends who have working parents don’t play sports, wear clean clothes or have dinner. Talk to your child about the pros and cons of staying home and why it works for you and DH and it may or may not work for then if they have families.

dp..

They may have "clean" clothes and eat dinner, but not necessarily home cooked meals, or eat dinner together.

And those parents are probably way more stressed out, which translates into more stress at home. And/or they outsource a lot of stuff, including their meals.

-signed a wfh mom

This is what people say to justify their own decisions and put down people who made different decisions.

Anyway a household with teens should always have clean clothes (because the teens should be doing their own laundry, no excuses) and a home cooked dinner. ANY household with teens is not eating diner together every night because those teens have activities in the evening.

I eat dinner with my teen every night. He might have one Friday night activity every six weeks or so at 7pm. We just eat dinner earlier that night.

Some people have more than one kid, and their daily activities don’t line up perfectly. We eat dinner with at least one of our kids/one parent every night, but the line-up changes depending on the day.

I have another teen in college. We all are at home every night except occasionally during the summer when they were sometimes offered overtime at work. I honestly can’t think of any activity that is more important than us spending quality time with each other. I think it’s odd how so many parents don’t seem to want to be with their kids. They are so over scheduled and I don’t get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It bothers you OP because there's truth in what they say: playing tennis all day and doing pilates is not work it just isn't.

But why is “work” somehow a more meaningful way to fill time? Work is a means to make money. If you don’t need the money, there nothing superior about working. Most people are not working super fulfilling meaningful jobs, and they are replaceable near immediately anyhow.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry OP. Teens can be just such little monsters sometimes, can’t they? If you worked outside the home, they would have something else to say to you. But most of them end up growing into humans we like.

- fellow mom (who happens to be a WOHM)

[Anonymous]

Are you talking to your kids about the choices you make and why? I feel like proactively having those conversations staves off some of this snark and also helps them evaluate what they want to for their own lives - and shows that different paths are okay.

My kids know that I worked very PT when they were younger and that means we had/have lessmoney - but that their dad and I valued the trade off of a more relaxed life and time with them. And they know that I’ve leaned into work since, and find a lot of satisfaction in my career and how it allows me to give back to the larger world, but also know I regret some of the trade offs that has brought for our family. Proactively having those conversations means that if they try any snark it’s easy to say “yeah, we’ve talked about this and you know why I’ve made the choices I have; you can make other choices when you are the parent if you think that will work better for your family” without taking it as an emotional blow.