interesting post in fbook group that caused a fight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never cut off my kids. Especially for something like this. What I would do is pay for day care so they can work/go to school. This is something I have though about a lot because I have 3 teen/YA boys and I live in Texas.

OP here. I wouldn’t “cut them off” I would simply not help financially at all. I would still have them over for dinner from time to time and would spend a normal grandparent amount of time with the baby. But I will not be used the way some of these commenters seem to have no problem with. I love being a mom-but I also have an identity, interests etc…outside of being a mom and I am not starting over when I’m just reaching a time in my life to actually have some time for me. This was a choice. Choices come with certain things. And this choice comes with struggle and learning what being a parent without any financial means is like. I’m not the one who made the choice.

Also to add I am happy to pay for college and help with professional school as well. And living expenses through that time. I just wouldn’t support a choice like the one posted.

Are you OP?

Because you just did a 180 and are now stating the exact opposite of what you first wrote.

All of us who have been telling you that a parent should support their young adult financially are saying exactly this. No one is going to congratulate an 18 year old for becoming pregnant! No one is going to be happy about it. The SUPPORT means ensuring they preserve professional potential, care for their baby in a safe manner, and avoid homelessness.

You come across like a massive liar, OP. First you say you would cut them off, now you say you'd pay for college.

You just made this thread up for kicks, didn't you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never cut off my kids. Especially for something like this. What I would do is pay for day care so they can work/go to school. This is something I have though about a lot because I have 3 teen/YA boys and I live in Texas.

OP here. I wouldn’t “cut them off” I would simply not help financially at all. I would still have them over for dinner from time to time and would spend a normal grandparent amount of time with the baby. But I will not be used the way some of these commenters seem to have no problem with. I love being a mom-but I also have an identity, interests etc…outside of being a mom and I am not starting over when I’m just reaching a time in my life to actually have some time for me. This was a choice. Choices come with certain things. And this choice comes with struggle and learning what being a parent without any financial means is like. I’m not the one who made the choice.

That's extremely short-sighted of you and rather selfish. My goal is to build generational wealth, and in doing so, I do not consider my own comfort as being the topmost priority. Instead, the priority is that everyone contributes in some way, with smart choices, hard work and delayed gratification, to the creation of wealth that will span generations. If we have setbacks along the way, ones that are not in our control (one of my kids has a chronic autoimmune disease and the other has ADHD/ASD), or ones that turn out to be strategic mistakes (having a baby too early in life), then we all need to rally around and make the wisest decision in view of the generational wealth goal.

In the case you broached, OP, that means paying for daycare so the young adults can attend college, if only community college to start with (with the hope they transfer to a state college to receive at least a Bachelor's degree). Or find other means to care for this baby so that the parents can find full-time work. Letting them struggle financially without family money means significantly reducing their chances that your family will have middle or upper class descendants. Maybe you don't care about that, because you have a scorched earth policy after you die. OK.

If you care at all about having a relationship with your children, I would also think hard about withholding financial support. It's not right to have well-off parents throwing off their children just because they had a baby too young: and make no mistake, "having them over for dinner" is the worse kind of insult you could implement. It's the cruel "I didn't really abandon you, here's spaghetti, but you can sleep in your car tonight like all the other nights". My wealthy grandparents abandoned one of my aunts when she had a child out of wedlock. She could not support herself and was dependent on government aid her entire life until she died of Covid. My mother bought her clothes and food. Her son, my cousin, is 55 and barely makes ends meet.

You would think the thought of not being able to support your child and yourself would be enough of a reason to not take an IUD out for the sole purpose of getting pregnant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never cut off my kids. Especially for something like this. What I would do is pay for day care so they can work/go to school. This is something I have though about a lot because I have 3 teen/YA boys and I live in Texas.

OP here. I wouldn’t “cut them off” I would simply not help financially at all. I would still have them over for dinner from time to time and would spend a normal grandparent amount of time with the baby. But I will not be used the way some of these commenters seem to have no problem with. I love being a mom-but I also have an identity, interests etc…outside of being a mom and I am not starting over when I’m just reaching a time in my life to actually have some time for me. This was a choice. Choices come with certain things. And this choice comes with struggle and learning what being a parent without any financial means is like. I’m not the one who made the choice.

Also to add I am happy to pay for college and help with professional school as well. And living expenses through that time. I just wouldn’t support a choice like the one posted.

Are you OP?

Because you just did a 180 and are now stating the exact opposite of what you first wrote.

All of us who have been telling you that a parent should support their young adult financially are saying exactly this. No one is going to congratulate an 18 year old for becoming pregnant! No one is going to be happy about it. The SUPPORT means ensuring they preserve professional potential, care for their baby in a safe manner, and avoid homelessness.

You come across like a massive liar, OP. First you say you would cut them off, now you say you'd pay for college.

You just made this thread up for kicks, didn't you?

I am the OP and that’s not what i’m saying-I would absolutely not pay for college in this situation-I’m saying under conditions where they didn’t do something like this I would. I would pay for college etc…but in a situation like this I would cut off all financial support-yes. I was making the point that not making a stupid decision like this means you get support to get started in life. And when you don’t, well you don’t! So again-you have a baby as a teenager you get no financial support-full stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand this condemnation. They didn’t go on a killing spree. I would do everything to support my child and their partner in this situation.

I think I may have mentioned my cousin here before. She was pregnant at 15 and got married. Her first sweet child died at three from a congenital condition. She had several more children and a great marriage and family. There was not a more devoted mother in the world. Her husband started a business and made a good life for them. Family support was happily given, and I’m sure the story would not have been the same without it.

These stories of a few random people where it turned out ok are not the norm. At the very least the relationship between the parents will end and the child will be shipped back and forth. Yes, it happens when people are older and get divorced too but typically at least one of those parents has a degree and the ability to provide for a family. I don’t know any 18-19 year olds who already have a college degree-do you?

Also wanting to be a teenage parent ON PURPOSE should really let you know what kind of kids these are. Most teenagers who get pregnant will say it’s an accident, they didn’t know they could get pregnant so easily etc etc…this was a conscious choice.

It honestly depends on the SES of the parents and families IME. The teen parents I knew (my peers and my sisters' peers) who had family support systems - time, money, willingness - have turned out fine as have their kids who now around the ages of my kids or a little older. Our teen parent peers went to college and their kids are even - gasp - going to college or even graduated by now. And the kids have the benefit of super young grandparents.

That said, it is not what I would choose for my kids but it is not the end of the world.

I don’t know any kids from UMC families where this happened. Of course it happens somewhere, but let’s be honest…it’s not a UMC problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not leave my daughter to end up in a homeless shelter, no matter how much I disagreed with her decisions.

+1
You teach them and you hope they do the right thing.
But I don’t abandon them so they can learn a lesson.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have daughters, so I'm sure my response will be different, but I would absolutely never cut them off at a time like this. I would absolutely encourage abortion and/or adoption, but if it was too late or she decided to keep the baby, then I would embrace my role as grandmom AND mom.

This poor 18 year old girl is adopted - adoptees often have very conflicting feelings about motherhood and can rush to have kids as a way to cope with their feelings of being abandoned and not having biological family. If the adoptive parents dropped her like a hot potato, then I assume they have been awful in other ways and she's likely not shocked. She's trying to build her own safe little family.

Not to say there wouldn't be expectations - there absolutely would. But my love is stronger than any "rule" or timeline one is supposed to follow in life.

I think you're being a shitty parent by thinking the way you are.

Wow that was so true for me and another adoptee I know. How did you know that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This morning in a very popular MD based moms group a person posted about a situation that she later said was about her friend of 30 years.

so this “friend’s” son who is 19 has been dating a girl for a couple of years who is 18 now. As soon as she turned 18 she took out her iud (I would guess for the sole purpose of getting pregnant) and did just that. And now has moved in to the home that the friend’s parents subsidize for their son. The girl has some issues with her adoptive parents and was sneaking out etc…and the adoptive parents it sounds like have completely washed their hands of her since she has turned 18. The question being asked was how much support the friend should be giving the son and the pregnant girlfriend considering both are in no financial position to have a baby on their own.

This sparked a fight between my spouse and I (we have a just turned 18 year old) because I am very much in the camp of “no enabling and adult choices mean adult consequences”. Basically I would completely cut off financial support for our son and say since you have decided you are a full adult then you are going to completely have to play that role.

contraception is free (condoms are given out by the handful at all gynecologists offices and also my son’s doctor will give condoms to any patient that asks) and she already had an iud that she chose to remove so this choice to have a baby was 100% a choice. I will not subsidize bad life choices and that’s that.

So what’s your stance?

At age 18, she is a full SEVEN YEARS (7) from becoming an adult, because children’s brains do not fully mature until age 25. This is simply science.


A mere child is in no position to have a baby !

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand this condemnation. They didn’t go on a killing spree. I would do everything to support my child and their partner in this situation.

I think I may have mentioned my cousin here before. She was pregnant at 15 and got married. Her first sweet child died at three from a congenital condition. She had several more children and a great marriage and family. There was not a more devoted mother in the world. Her husband started a business and made a good life for them. Family support was happily given, and I’m sure the story would not have been the same without it.

These stories of a few random people where it turned out ok are not the norm. At the very least the relationship between the parents will end and the child will be shipped back and forth. Yes, it happens when people are older and get divorced too but typically at least one of those parents has a degree and the ability to provide for a family. I don’t know any 18-19 year olds who already have a college degree-do you?

Also wanting to be a teenage parent ON PURPOSE should really let you know what kind of kids these are. Most teenagers who get pregnant will say it’s an accident, they didn’t know they could get pregnant so easily etc etc…this was a conscious choice.

It honestly depends on the SES of the parents and families IME. The teen parents I knew (my peers and my sisters' peers) who had family support systems - time, money, willingness - have turned out fine as have their kids who now around the ages of my kids or a little older. Our teen parent peers went to college and their kids are even - gasp - going to college or even graduated by now. And the kids have the benefit of super young grandparents.

That said, it is not what I would choose for my kids but it is not the end of the world.

I don’t know any kids from UMC families where this happened. Of course it happens somewhere, but let’s be honest…it’s not a UMC problem.

NOKD!! NOKD!!

[Anonymous]

If my kid did something this stupid I'd have to blame my own poor parenting.

I probably wouldn't cut my kid off but I'd have to rethink how to best support him achieve his re: longer-term goals (career, etc).

[Anonymous]

While people think that a young adult child in this situation would get it together with familial support, the more likely outcome is that they go on to just produce more children without the financial wherewithal to support them. I also would wonder why the adopted GF's adoptive family "dropped her like a hot potato". That signals to me that she could have attachment/personality disorder issues that are making her desirous of starting her own little family but not having the emotional capacity to be a good mother.

[Anonymous]

I would allow my son and the baby to live under my roof, I would assist paying for childcare. They would qualify for Medicaid and a voucher for childcare. I would continue to pay for my son's college and expect him to graduate like it was planned before the baby.

I would allow him and the baby to live with me until he was on his feet and able to pay for his own place for the child and himself.

This is what my neighbor did for her child and my mom did for my brother (now my niece speaks 4 languages and is amazing and wonderful).

Please parents shell out cash for rehab why wouldn't you care for a baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand this condemnation. They didn’t go on a killing spree. I would do everything to support my child and their partner in this situation.

I think I may have mentioned my cousin here before. She was pregnant at 15 and got married. Her first sweet child died at three from a congenital condition. She had several more children and a great marriage and family. There was not a more devoted mother in the world. Her husband started a business and made a good life for them. Family support was happily given, and I’m sure the story would not have been the same without it.

These stories of a few random people where it turned out ok are not the norm. At the very least the relationship between the parents will end and the child will be shipped back and forth. Yes, it happens when people are older and get divorced too but typically at least one of those parents has a degree and the ability to provide for a family. I don’t know any 18-19 year olds who already have a college degree-do you?

Also wanting to be a teenage parent ON PURPOSE should really let you know what kind of kids these are. Most teenagers who get pregnant will say it’s an accident, they didn’t know they could get pregnant so easily etc etc…this was a conscious choice.

It honestly depends on the SES of the parents and families IME. The teen parents I knew (my peers and my sisters' peers) who had family support systems - time, money, willingness - have turned out fine as have their kids who now around the ages of my kids or a little older. Our teen parent peers went to college and their kids are even - gasp - going to college or even graduated by now. And the kids have the benefit of super young grandparents.

That said, it is not what I would choose for my kids but it is not the end of the world.

I don’t know any kids from UMC families where this happened. Of course it happens somewhere, but let’s be honest…it’s not a UMC problem.

You must not know very many people. I know at least a dozen people this happened to in a UMC family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:


I don’t know any kids from UMC families where this happened. Of course it happens somewhere, but let’s be honest…it’s not a UMC problem.


You must not know very many people. I know at least a dozen people this happened to in a UMC family.

UMC family or UMC Catholic family? I do not know of any non-Catholic UMC family where this happened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand this condemnation. They didn’t go on a killing spree. I would do everything to support my child and their partner in this situation.

I think I may have mentioned my cousin here before. She was pregnant at 15 and got married. Her first sweet child died at three from a congenital condition. She had several more children and a great marriage and family. There was not a more devoted mother in the world. Her husband started a business and made a good life for them. Family support was happily given, and I’m sure the story would not have been the same without it.

These stories of a few random people where it turned out ok are not the norm. At the very least the relationship between the parents will end and the child will be shipped back and forth. Yes, it happens when people are older and get divorced too but typically at least one of those parents has a degree and the ability to provide for a family. I don’t know any 18-19 year olds who already have a college degree-do you?

Also wanting to be a teenage parent ON PURPOSE should really let you know what kind of kids these are. Most teenagers who get pregnant will say it’s an accident, they didn’t know they could get pregnant so easily etc etc…this was a conscious choice.

It honestly depends on the SES of the parents and families IME. The teen parents I knew (my peers and my sisters' peers) who had family support systems - time, money, willingness - have turned out fine as have their kids who now around the ages of my kids or a little older. Our teen parent peers went to college and their kids are even - gasp - going to college or even graduated by now. And the kids have the benefit of super young grandparents.

That said, it is not what I would choose for my kids but it is not the end of the world.

I don’t know any kids from UMC families where this happened. Of course it happens somewhere, but let’s be honest…it’s not a UMC problem.

You must not know very many people. I know at least a dozen people this happened to in a UMC family.

That’s just a load of shit. It happens rarely in general…yet you personally know 12 loser UMC kids where this happened?

Again…complete load of shit.

[Anonymous]

I treat all adults and kids with the same grace and compassion when they make a mistake.

An 18 yr old’s brain is not fully developed.