interesting post in fbook group that caused a fight.

[Anonymous]

This morning in a very popular MD based moms group a person posted about a situation that she later said was about her friend of 30 years.

so this “friend’s” son who is 19 has been dating a girl for a couple of years who is 18 now. As soon as she turned 18 she took out her iud (I would guess for the sole purpose of getting pregnant) and did just that. And now has moved in to the home that the friend’s parents subsidize for their son. The girl has some issues with her adoptive parents and was sneaking out etc…and the adoptive parents it sounds like have completely washed their hands of her since she has turned 18. The question being asked was how much support the friend should be giving the son and the pregnant girlfriend considering both are in no financial position to have a baby on their own.

This sparked a fight between my spouse and I (we have a just turned 18 year old) because I am very much in the camp of “no enabling and adult choices mean adult consequences”. Basically I would completely cut off financial support for our son and say since you have decided you are a full adult then you are going to completely have to play that role.

contraception is free (condoms are given out by the handful at all gynecologists offices and also my son’s doctor will give condoms to any patient that asks) and she already had an iud that she chose to remove so this choice to have a baby was 100% a choice. I will not subsidize bad life choices and that’s that.

So what’s your stance?

[Anonymous]

Isn't this a situation for which abortion pills were invented?

[Anonymous]

The important thing is that you are ruining your relationship with your spouse over a hypothetical situation.

[Anonymous]

I guess no one can say what decision they would make until they are in that situation. Hypotheticals are easy to be drawn from your living room couch.

[Anonymous]

If my son or daughter decided to keep a baby and live with their partner, despite my encouragement to get an abortion, I would help them raise the child so they could keep their hopes of college alive and/or get a full-time job to support their family.

I got married at 23 and had my first at 25, while in grad school. I don't necessarily think a baby at 18 is the end of the world, but for this to be a success, the young people need family support. If you back out of that situation, I would consider you a monster.

[Anonymous]

I have daughters, so I'm sure my response will be different, but I would absolutely never cut them off at a time like this. I would absolutely encourage abortion and/or adoption, but if it was too late or she decided to keep the baby, then I would embrace my role as grandmom AND mom.

This poor 18 year old girl is adopted - adoptees often have very conflicting feelings about motherhood and can rush to have kids as a way to cope with their feelings of being abandoned and not having biological family. If the adoptive parents dropped her like a hot potato, then I assume they have been awful in other ways and she's likely not shocked. She's trying to build her own safe little family.

Not to say there wouldn't be expectations - there absolutely would. But my love is stronger than any "rule" or timeline one is supposed to follow in life.

I think you're being a shitty parent by thinking the way you are.

[Anonymous]

I think a lot of us say things in a theoretical sense but if it happened to you, you'd probably do things differently.

For example I'd love to be all "adult desisions mean adults consequences" but if my 16 yo son got a girl pregnant in a few years and she wanted to have the baby and they decided to be together or share responsibilties I would likely do everything in my power to arrange my own schedule to help care for the baby while they could attend college (maybe it's community college before an in state school now though). I mean, in the end, I want everyone to succeed. Sometimes the barriers do actually exist and good people work around then as best they are able.

[Anonymous]

It's easy for you to take your stance. But wait until you see your grandchild. If you have a heart, you will soften.

[Anonymous]

It would take a lot more than that for me to cut my son off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This morning in a very popular MD based moms group a person posted about a situation that she later said was about her friend of 30 years.

so this “friend’s” son who is 19 has been dating a girl for a couple of years who is 18 now. As soon as she turned 18 she took out her iud (I would guess for the sole purpose of getting pregnant) and did just that. And now has moved in to the home that the friend’s parents subsidize for their son. The girl has some issues with her adoptive parents and was sneaking out etc…and the adoptive parents it sounds like have completely washed their hands of her since she has turned 18. The question being asked was how much support the friend should be giving the son and the pregnant girlfriend considering both are in no financial position to have a baby on their own.

This sparked a fight between my spouse and I (we have a just turned 18 year old) because I am very much in the camp of “no enabling and adult choices mean adult consequences”. Basically I would completely cut off financial support for our son and say since you have decided you are a full adult then you are going to completely have to play that role.

contraception is free (condoms are given out by the handful at all gynecologists offices and also my son’s doctor will give condoms to any patient that asks) and she already had an iud that she chose to remove so this choice to have a baby was 100% a choice. I will not subsidize bad life choices and that’s that.

So what’s your stance?

Stay out of other peoples business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Isn't this a situation for which abortion pills were invented?

Why do you think a girl who took out her IUD to get pregnant would want an abortion pill?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If my son or daughter decided to keep a baby and live with their partner, despite my encouragement to get an abortion, I would help them raise the child so they could keep their hopes of college alive and/or get a full-time job to support their family.

I got married at 23 and had my first at 25, while in grad school. I don't necessarily think a baby at 18 is the end of the world, but for this to be a success, the young people need family support. If you back out of that situation, I would consider you a monster.

+1

I wouldn't consider giving mt grandchild a stable upbringing enabling my son's poor decisions. I might actually ask for custody of the child and request my son and the mother work on stability for their child in the future.

[Anonymous]

No, I would not cut off my child because they got someone pregnant. I would consider that somewhere along the way the lesson I was trying to teach them didn't sink in and that in a few short months there will be a completely innocent little baby who will not benefit from me standing on principle. I woudln't coddle my child either, he would have to work his ass off, but this is a perfect example of cut off your nose to spite your face.

[Anonymous]

Agree, this is very hypothetical and you never know what you would actually do until you are in that position. But would make sure you have conversations with your kid options for protections from STDs and pregnancy. Along with morning after pills,etc. I would not leave this up to the dad alone to have these conversations. You really want your kid to know that this is not scary to talk about, what the options are, AND Hope it would ultimately show your kid you are easy person to talk this through if this does occur and would like some support.

[Anonymous]

I would not leave my daughter to end up in a homeless shelter, no matter how much I disagreed with her decisions.