Why do some teachers take dads more seriously than moms

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a teacher and recently had a dad get semi aggressive with me. I no longer share anything other than positive things with the family. I avoid them as much as possible. There's concerns about the child developmentally, but I'm not going to talk with the family about that because it is a risk. I'm not risking my safety over it.

This is disgusting. If you have developmental concerns about a child, you share that information with the family. You share it with the mom with the principal and other people present. No one is going to jump you just because you say their child needs to be evaluated.

It sounds like she did and the dad got aggressive. What’s your problem?!

NP but she DIDN'T. She said she had concerns but she wasn't going to share them. That's a bad teacher. She can go through the VP or the Principal instead of talking to the parents directly, but to not share that information with the family is really unprofessional.

I’m a different teacher, but if the family is aggressive or I think they may get aggressive, I’m not interacting with them or will only interact at a minimum. If my school district finds it unprofessional, they can fire me.

Why can't you go through an intermediary? The counselor or the principal? Those parents deserve to know if their child has problems.

We are constantly, constantly discussing kids at school. If there’s a problem, then the student is receiving extra intervention; and if they’re receiving extra intervention, they have received a letter. They know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a teacher and recently had a dad get semi aggressive with me. I no longer share anything other than positive things with the family. I avoid them as much as possible. There's concerns about the child developmentally, but I'm not going to talk with the family about that because it is a risk. I'm not risking my safety over it.

This is disgusting. If you have developmental concerns about a child, you share that information with the family. You share it with the mom with the principal and other people present. No one is going to jump you just because you say their child needs to be evaluated.

It sounds like she did and the dad got aggressive. What’s your problem?!

NP but she DIDN'T. She said she had concerns but she wasn't going to share them. That's a bad teacher. She can go through the VP or the Principal instead of talking to the parents directly, but to not share that information with the family is really unprofessional.

I’m a different teacher, but if the family is aggressive or I think they may get aggressive, I’m not interacting with them or will only interact at a minimum. If my school district finds it unprofessional, they can fire me.

Approximately 10 years ago, I had a mom that used to come to school after dismissal, roaming the hallways yelling my name until someone found her and kicked her out.

Her son was a jerk, a racist, and reading two years below grade level. I never met with her to tell her that and I’m happy with that decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After years of teachers and principals not taking my concerns/requests seriously, I've resorted to having my husband take the lead on school-related things. He schedules the conferences, he sends emails, he makes accommodation requests, etc, and while I wish I could say I have been shocked by how much nicer and more accommodating to his requests they are to mine, I'm not surprised at all, it's the whole reason I've asked him to take the lead on school related things. Why do people do this - both male and female teachers and administrators? Why wouldn't a teacher take the mother just as seriously as s/he takes the father?

Anecdotally, the PTO doesn't like him. They never pick him to volunteer for things, even though he volunteers a ton. I assume this is a friend thing, they only want to volunteer with their friends? They're scared he's a pedophile? I have no idea, but take advantage of my husband's flexible schedule, ladies, let your sons know that dads can and should be involved in their children's lives! WTH?

Of course teachers take moms seriously. What a silly thing to say. Most of the parent interaction is with moms.
Are you a hysterical boy mom that constantly cries wolf about their precious boy?
Has it gotten to the point that everyone knows that it's not a real issue unless the adult in the relationship (the dad) shows up to discuss things?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was on PTAs for years, volunteered extensively in elementary, middle and high schools, and since one of my kids has special needs, we also had to deal with IEP management and additional communication surrounding my son's needs.

The only times I've seen school staff treat a parent differently is when they were scared of them. I know of several cases: two mentally ill mothers, who were inconsistently friendly, then aggressive (probably untreated bipolar), then had a psychotic break, expressed severe paranoia and fled with their kids, thinking they were under FBI surveillance or that their ex-husbands were coming for them (they weren't). Police had to get involved both times. And two overbearing fathers, of the hyper-competent but intimidating variety, with prominent jobs in the community, whom no one wanted to cross. Whenever they had grand ideas to help their school, the administration bent over backwards to accommodate them, or handled them with kid gloves to tell them what they wanted was impossible.

OP here. I'm not mentally ill, and there's nothing to be scared off, how incredibly rude of you to imply that.

DP.

Are you sure a teeny bit of therapy wouldn't help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad would show up in full military uniform.

Got things done in FCPS circa 1980s. He did t have time for this.

IEPs were not that ubiquitous back then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, so what I'm learning is that it's not just teachers and admin that are sexist, it's most of the parents themselves. WOW.

Welcome to the real world. It happens all the time, and it happens to both men and women. My DH and I go to school conferences together, and there is one teacher who talks only to me, and acts like my husband is not there. She stares past him like he is invisible, and it has become a running joke between my DH and me.
Humans are unique, and are not robots, and they have a zillion variations (good and bad) in how they interact. Deal with it. Honestly you sound kind of silly saying WOW like you just witnessed a murder or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After years of teachers and principals not taking my concerns/requests seriously, I've resorted to having my husband take the lead on school-related things. He schedules the conferences, he sends emails, he makes accommodation requests, etc, and while I wish I could say I have been shocked by how much nicer and more accommodating to his requests they are to mine, I'm not surprised at all, it's the whole reason I've asked him to take the lead on school related things. Why do people do this - both male and female teachers and administrators? Why wouldn't a teacher take the mother just as seriously as s/he takes the father?

Anecdotally, the PTO doesn't like him. They never pick him to volunteer for things, even though he volunteers a ton. I assume this is a friend thing, they only want to volunteer with their friends? They're scared he's a pedophile? I have no idea, but take advantage of my husband's flexible schedule, ladies, let your sons know that dads can and should be involved in their children's lives! WTH?

Of course teachers take moms seriously. What a silly thing to say. Most of the parent interaction is with moms.
Are you a hysterical boy mom that constantly cries wolf about their precious boy?
Has it gotten to the point that everyone knows that it's not a real issue unless the adult in the relationship (the dad) shows up to discuss things?

good point - if people don't take you seriously, especially as a pattern, it may be a you problem rather than a them problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was on PTAs for years, volunteered extensively in elementary, middle and high schools, and since one of my kids has special needs, we also had to deal with IEP management and additional communication surrounding my son's needs.

The only times I've seen school staff treat a parent differently is when they were scared of them. I know of several cases: two mentally ill mothers, who were inconsistently friendly, then aggressive (probably untreated bipolar), then had a psychotic break, expressed severe paranoia and fled with their kids, thinking they were under FBI surveillance or that their ex-husbands were coming for them (they weren't). Police had to get involved both times. And two overbearing fathers, of the hyper-competent but intimidating variety, with prominent jobs in the community, whom no one wanted to cross. Whenever they had grand ideas to help their school, the administration bent over backwards to accommodate them, or handled them with kid gloves to tell them what they wanted was impossible.

OP here. I'm not mentally ill, and there's nothing to be scared off, how incredibly rude of you to imply that.

DP.

Are you sure a teeny bit of therapy wouldn't help?

Yes, you should try that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After years of teachers and principals not taking my concerns/requests seriously, I've resorted to having my husband take the lead on school-related things. He schedules the conferences, he sends emails, he makes accommodation requests, etc, and while I wish I could say I have been shocked by how much nicer and more accommodating to his requests they are to mine, I'm not surprised at all, it's the whole reason I've asked him to take the lead on school related things. Why do people do this - both male and female teachers and administrators? Why wouldn't a teacher take the mother just as seriously as s/he takes the father?

Anecdotally, the PTO doesn't like him. They never pick him to volunteer for things, even though he volunteers a ton. I assume this is a friend thing, they only want to volunteer with their friends? They're scared he's a pedophile? I have no idea, but take advantage of my husband's flexible schedule, ladies, let your sons know that dads can and should be involved in their children's lives! WTH?

Of course teachers take moms seriously. What a silly thing to say. Most of the parent interaction is with moms.
Are you a hysterical boy mom that constantly cries wolf about their precious boy?
Has it gotten to the point that everyone knows that it's not a real issue unless the adult in the relationship (the dad) shows up to discuss things?

good point - if people don't take you seriously, especially as a pattern, it may be a you problem rather than a them problem.

And that must be the case with the many moms who agreed with me, and some of the teachers even.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a teacher and recently had a dad get semi aggressive with me. I no longer share anything other than positive things with the family. I avoid them as much as possible. There's concerns about the child developmentally, but I'm not going to talk with the family about that because it is a risk. I'm not risking my safety over it.

This is disgusting. If you have developmental concerns about a child, you share that information with the family. You share it with the mom with the principal and other people present. No one is going to jump you just because you say their child needs to be evaluated.

Are you serious with this???

"No one is going to jump you just because you say their child needs to be evaluated". Have you met FCPS parents?

I have personally heard parents raise their voice at teachers over NOTHING. One mom at our school started getting aggresive with a teacher at BACK TO SCHOOL NIGHT becuase she found out her daughter's seat was near the back of the classroom and it was absolutely unacceptable for her baby to not have preferential seating. Another parent had to step in and suggest she address that during some one on one time with the teacher because it was becoming disruptive to the poor teachers attempt to give their welcome to class presentation.

I am a pediatric dentist and I experience this fairly regularly when I try to gently explain to parents that their precious angel has a cavity. It gets worse when they ask how this could have happened. If I even hint that changes in diet or oral hygiene could be helpful I'm met with defensiveness and sometimes aggression (especialy from dads). The only answer they are willing to hear is that its bad genes or bad luck.

I can't tell you how many times I have had 5 or 6 year olds who can't sit in the chair, whine or scream for a cleaning, hit or bite me, my team or their own parents. I would never dream of saying anthing to the parents becuase I have colleagues who have been verbally and physically abused by parents (most often dads) who do not want to hear one ounce of negative feedback about their kid.

I don't blame the teachers at all for being scared to give feedback to parents. Most parents are probably very kind, reasonable people. But until you know who is who I wouldn't risk angering some of these parents either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a teacher and recently had a dad get semi aggressive with me. I no longer share anything other than positive things with the family. I avoid them as much as possible. There's concerns about the child developmentally, but I'm not going to talk with the family about that because it is a risk. I'm not risking my safety over it.

This is disgusting. If you have developmental concerns about a child, you share that information with the family. You share it with the mom with the principal and other people present. No one is going to jump you just because you say their child needs to be evaluated.

Are you serious with this???

"No one is going to jump you just because you say their child needs to be evaluated". Have you met FCPS parents?

I have personally heard parents raise their voice at teachers over NOTHING. One mom at our school started getting aggresive with a teacher at BACK TO SCHOOL NIGHT becuase she found out her daughter's seat was near the back of the classroom and it was absolutely unacceptable for her baby to not have preferential seating. Another parent had to step in and suggest she address that during some one on one time with the teacher because it was becoming disruptive to the poor teachers attempt to give their welcome to class presentation.

I am a pediatric dentist and I experience this fairly regularly when I try to gently explain to parents that their precious angel has a cavity. It gets worse when they ask how this could have happened. If I even hint that changes in diet or oral hygiene could be helpful I'm met with defensiveness and sometimes aggression (especialy from dads). The only answer they are willing to hear is that its bad genes or bad luck.

I can't tell you how many times I have had 5 or 6 year olds who can't sit in the chair, whine or scream for a cleaning, hit or bite me, my team or their own parents. I would never dream of saying anthing to the parents becuase I have colleagues who have been verbally and physically abused by parents (most often dads) who do not want to hear one ounce of negative feedback about their kid.

I don't blame the teachers at all for being scared to give feedback to parents. Most parents are probably very kind, reasonable people. But until you know who is who I wouldn't risk angering some of these parents either.

Thank you for supporting teachers by explaining that not all parents are sane and reasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After years of teachers and principals not taking my concerns/requests seriously, I've resorted to having my husband take the lead on school-related things. He schedules the conferences, he sends emails, he makes accommodation requests, etc, and while I wish I could say I have been shocked by how much nicer and more accommodating to his requests they are to mine, I'm not surprised at all, it's the whole reason I've asked him to take the lead on school related things. Why do people do this - both male and female teachers and administrators? Why wouldn't a teacher take the mother just as seriously as s/he takes the father?

Anecdotally, the PTO doesn't like him. They never pick him to volunteer for things, even though he volunteers a ton. I assume this is a friend thing, they only want to volunteer with their friends? They're scared he's a pedophile? I have no idea, but take advantage of my husband's flexible schedule, ladies, let your sons know that dads can and should be involved in their children's lives! WTH?

Of course teachers take moms seriously. What a silly thing to say. Most of the parent interaction is with moms.
Are you a hysterical boy mom that constantly cries wolf about their precious boy?
Has it gotten to the point that everyone knows that it's not a real issue unless the adult in the relationship (the dad) shows up to discuss things?

good point - if people don't take you seriously, especially as a pattern, it may be a you problem rather than a them problem.

And that must be the case with the many moms who agreed with me, and some of the teachers even.

I'm beginning to see why teachers don't take you seriously. can you not see it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The sexism, it's real. Thanks for confirming what every mom on this board already knew, teachers!

There can be a lot of internalized misogyny in female dominated professions.

I love that DH handles the parent teacher conferences and teacher communications. He is definitely the more confrontational of the two of us but if the teachers prefer to get direction from a man and my kids’ needs are met and I don’t have to go, I’m good with that.

I think these attitudes are more prevalent at the elementary school level. The teachers tend to be more traditional. You see almost all of them excitedly change their names upon marriage and use “Mrs.” It’s a throw back vibe. Middle and high schools have a much higher percentage of male teachers and with self-selection by teachers, it’s a different, more current professional vibe. That said, I still make my husband send the email if it’s important. That issue extends beyond schools though.

Just like most other jobs, elementary teacher attracts a very specific type.

I’m happy if my kids are happy but I try to avoid parent teacher meetings. DH can give pushback when needed and, if they respect a man’s opinion more, I’m happy to have him give it while I stay home.