Why do some teachers take dads more seriously than moms

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was on PTAs for years, volunteered extensively in elementary, middle and high schools, and since one of my kids has special needs, we also had to deal with IEP management and additional communication surrounding my son's needs.

The only times I've seen school staff treat a parent differently is when they were scared of them. I know of several cases: two mentally ill mothers, who were inconsistently friendly, then aggressive (probably untreated bipolar), then had a psychotic break, expressed severe paranoia and fled with their kids, thinking they were under FBI surveillance or that their ex-husbands were coming for them (they weren't). Police had to get involved both times. And two overbearing fathers, of the hyper-competent but intimidating variety, with prominent jobs in the community, whom no one wanted to cross. Whenever they had grand ideas to help their school, the administration bent over backwards to accommodate them, or handled them with kid gloves to tell them what they wanted was impossible.

OP here. I'm not mentally ill, and there's nothing to be scared off, how incredibly rude of you to imply that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dad’s are emotionally more stable and easier for women to handle.

I think it's sort of this, but not about the staiblity but rather that men tend to be more direct in their requests, and use fewer niceties.

It's like when DW calls to schedule an appointment for a haircut.. "I'd like to schedule an appointment..." and me it's "I'd like to schedule an appointment for a cut only with X person, I've been there before, and weekdays after 2pm work best."

or when she schedules a service person to come to our house: "We live on Elm Street..." (a small residential street) then they have to ask more details like house number compared to me: "Our address is 123 Elm Street. It's off (major road) near (major landmark)."

WTF? What a sexist disgusting generalization. Not all women are the same. I happen to be very direct with my requests. I'm a professional, I know how to speak to other people professionally, I am an experienced senior-level project manager, I know how to get things done. Yet somehow teachers treat me like I'm some idiot and my husband, who isn't a manager, gets treated like because he's a man he must be an executive. It's disgusting that working moms treat working moms this way, as a PP indicated.

[Anonymous]

Wow, so what I'm learning is that it's not just teachers and admin that are sexist, it's most of the parents themselves. WOW.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was on PTAs for years, volunteered extensively in elementary, middle and high schools, and since one of my kids has special needs, we also had to deal with IEP management and additional communication surrounding my son's needs.

The only times I've seen school staff treat a parent differently is when they were scared of them. I know of several cases: two mentally ill mothers, who were inconsistently friendly, then aggressive (probably untreated bipolar), then had a psychotic break, expressed severe paranoia and fled with their kids, thinking they were under FBI surveillance or that their ex-husbands were coming for them (they weren't). Police had to get involved both times. And two overbearing fathers, of the hyper-competent but intimidating variety, with prominent jobs in the community, whom no one wanted to cross. Whenever they had grand ideas to help their school, the administration bent over backwards to accommodate them, or handled them with kid gloves to tell them what they wanted was impossible.

OP here. I'm not mentally ill, and there's nothing to be scared off, how incredibly rude of you to imply that.

PP you replied to. ??? I was not implying this at all. It's interesting you should go there. I was implying that perhaps your husband comes off as a little more intimidating than you. There are many husbands who volunteer in the schools my kids have attended (fewer than mothers, of course), so the mere fact he's a man shouldn't change anything. It must be his way of expressing himself in writing, by phone or in person.

Or perhaps he takes over when you've done the groundwork, so it seems to you he gets to the goal, when it reality the staff has already been primed by you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're surprised that there's a patriarchy?

That women would rather have fellow women to share care tasks with?

+1

[Anonymous]

Is your husband hot?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:YEARS of concerns and requests to teachers AND principals? My kids were in public schools for 12 years and I never spoke to a principal one time. What are you asking for?

This is the reason. OP is "that parent". Her husband isn't, at least not yet, because he hasn't been the one voicing concerns and making requests to teachers and principals for years. It has nothing to do with sexism. It has to do with compassion fatigue on the part of overworked teachers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:YEARS of concerns and requests to teachers AND principals? My kids were in public schools for 12 years and I never spoke to a principal one time. What are you asking for?

This is the reason. OP is "that parent". Her husband isn't, at least not yet, because he hasn't been the one voicing concerns and making requests to teachers and principals for years. It has nothing to do with sexism. It has to do with compassion fatigue on the part of overworked teachers.

If OP truly is talking about IEPs it’s a bit much to call “failing to follow the law” compassion fatigue.

That the IEP process makes parents threaten litigation over their kids legally protected rights to an education isn’t the parents fault.

[Anonymous]

I do agree that women tend to be less polite and direct with requests. Since I am also a teacher I have always given a lot of grace to schools but in a couple of instances it was backfiring on me. Now my husband is the point person on everything. His job is more flexible for things like mid-day phone calls and emails anyway.

[Anonymous]

Longtime (former) clinic aide.

If I had the option, I’d always call the father first, in an emergency, for routine calls. to come collect their DC.

Easier this way. They ask few questions, aren’t accusatory not suspicious and are rational and compliant. All in the name of efficiency and expediency.

Only got one complaint from a flustered and incompetent dad who hung up from our brief conversation and called his wife to say that he was super busy at work and resented the intrusion. Wife called me to say that she was a SAHM and that although the SIS info showed dad as 1. first call, this must be immediately amended and dad can only be called in dire emergency.

[Anonymous]

Moms can be a bit catty, or maybe the teachers just think he’s hot

[Anonymous]

My dad would show up in full military uniform.

Got things done in FCPS circa 1980s. He did t have time for this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:YEARS of concerns and requests to teachers AND principals? My kids were in public schools for 12 years and I never spoke to a principal one time. What are you asking for?

This is the reason. OP is "that parent". Her husband isn't, at least not yet, because he hasn't been the one voicing concerns and making requests to teachers and principals for years. It has nothing to do with sexism. It has to do with compassion fatigue on the part of overworked teachers.

100% this. It’s not female vs male, it’s you vs not you.

Staff talks. When I am invited to a meeting with parents, the history with the family is shared. “Every year mom calls a meeting to complain about something, this year it’s Larlo’s seating arrangement. Just smile and nod, nothing is ever good enough.” Or “mom never agrees to new testing and wants increased accommodations every year, hold firm if she won’t approve testing.”

When dad comes instead, it’s a fresh start. There is no history to share.

Right or wrong, this is reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After years of teachers and principals not taking my concerns/requests seriously, I've resorted to having my husband take the lead on school-related things. He schedules the conferences, he sends emails, he makes accommodation requests, etc, and while I wish I could say I have been shocked by how much nicer and more accommodating to his requests they are to mine, I'm not surprised at all, it's the whole reason I've asked him to take the lead on school related things. Why do people do this - both male and female teachers and administrators? Why wouldn't a teacher take the mother just as seriously as s/he takes the father?

Anecdotally, the PTO doesn't like him. They never pick him to volunteer for things, even though he volunteers a ton. I assume this is a friend thing, they only want to volunteer with their friends? They're scared he's a pedophile? I have no idea, but take advantage of my husband's flexible schedule, ladies, let your sons know that dads can and should be involved in their children's lives! WTH?

Fathers are seldom involved with school in that way so it implies the family is quite serious about the matter.

In twenty-odd years of teaching, the main times I’ve had dads as the primary parent were under these circumstances:

1. Two dads
2. Mom is dead or seriously ill.
3. Mom has limited English.
4. Dad was a teacher or admin in our district

Dads tend to be more engaged with sports, scouting, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After years of teachers and principals not taking my concerns/requests seriously, I've resorted to having my husband take the lead on school-related things. He schedules the conferences, he sends emails, he makes accommodation requests, etc, and while I wish I could say I have been shocked by how much nicer and more accommodating to his requests they are to mine, I'm not surprised at all, it's the whole reason I've asked him to take the lead on school related things. Why do people do this - both male and female teachers and administrators? Why wouldn't a teacher take the mother just as seriously as s/he takes the father?

Anecdotally, the PTO doesn't like him. They never pick him to volunteer for things, even though he volunteers a ton. I assume this is a friend thing, they only want to volunteer with their friends? They're scared he's a pedophile? I have no idea, but take advantage of my husband's flexible schedule, ladies, let your sons know that dads can and should be involved in their children's lives! WTH?

I've only experienced this once with a male AP.....he was known to be condescending and treat moms insignificantly. He did not pull that with the dads . I am sorry you are seeing this though-FCPS can be a weird place. Ignore the PTO mommy nonsense-not worth your time worrying about. I agree though they should be happy to have a dad help. Sometimes the PTO finds a weak admin team and the PTO starts to run the school it can be toxic.