Why do some teachers take dads more seriously than moms

[Anonymous]

After years of teachers and principals not taking my concerns/requests seriously, I've resorted to having my husband take the lead on school-related things. He schedules the conferences, he sends emails, he makes accommodation requests, etc, and while I wish I could say I have been shocked by how much nicer and more accommodating to his requests they are to mine, I'm not surprised at all, it's the whole reason I've asked him to take the lead on school related things. Why do people do this - both male and female teachers and administrators? Why wouldn't a teacher take the mother just as seriously as s/he takes the father?

Anecdotally, the PTO doesn't like him. They never pick him to volunteer for things, even though he volunteers a ton. I assume this is a friend thing, they only want to volunteer with their friends? They're scared he's a pedophile? I have no idea, but take advantage of my husband's flexible schedule, ladies, let your sons know that dads can and should be involved in their children's lives! WTH?

[Anonymous]

Your husband might be equally capable or the primary parent, but that’s not the norm and moms tend to oversee the minutiae of a child’s life. Schools are a mom’s club, where moms and teachers assume they each have good intentions. If you’re bringing dad in, it’s because you can’t work it out and the gloves are coming off. It’s an escalation technique.

[Anonymous]

YEARS of concerns and requests to teachers AND principals? My kids were in public schools for 12 years and I never spoke to a principal one time. What are you asking for?

[Anonymous]

I was on PTAs for years, volunteered extensively in elementary, middle and high schools, and since one of my kids has special needs, we also had to deal with IEP management and additional communication surrounding my son's needs.

The only times I've seen school staff treat a parent differently is when they were scared of them. I know of several cases: two mentally ill mothers, who were inconsistently friendly, then aggressive (probably untreated bipolar), then had a psychotic break, expressed severe paranoia and fled with their kids, thinking they were under FBI surveillance or that their ex-husbands were coming for them (they weren't). Police had to get involved both times. And two overbearing fathers, of the hyper-competent but intimidating variety, with prominent jobs in the community, whom no one wanted to cross. Whenever they had grand ideas to help their school, the administration bent over backwards to accommodate them, or handled them with kid gloves to tell them what they wanted was impossible.

[Anonymous]

You're surprised that there's a patriarchy?

That women would rather have fellow women to share care tasks with?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband might be equally capable or the primary parent, but that’s not the norm and moms tend to oversee the minutiae of a child’s life. Schools are a mom’s club, where moms and teachers assume they each have good intentions. If you’re bringing dad in, it’s because you can’t work it out and the gloves are coming off. It’s an escalation technique.

Agree with this. It's unusual so they pay attention.

PTA people just want to work with their besties and aren't usually efficiency focused.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:YEARS of concerns and requests to teachers AND principals? My kids were in public schools for 12 years and I never spoke to a principal one time. What are you asking for?

She said accommodations so that means either 504 or IEP. An insanely uphill struggle for years.

School staff are often very sexist. They will lie to a woman’s face and expect her to not to challenge the lie but smile, feel awkward and run away. You have to show them you are not playing games. Put on your lawyer face, be calm, direct, and strong. If they misstate a policy or law, lodge an objection immediately. If they lie, call them on it.

My favorite interaction was a principal saying she couldn’t do something which was clearly a lie. I calmly said, OK I will escalate to the central office. Her response was no you don’t understand we can’t do that. I responded I understand that you do not have the authority to make this decision. I will simply escalate to someone who does have the authority. She immediately back pedaled and agreed to follow the IEP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was on PTAs for years, volunteered extensively in elementary, middle and high schools, and since one of my kids has special needs, we also had to deal with IEP management and additional communication surrounding my son's needs.

The only times I've seen school staff treat a parent differently is when they were scared of them. I know of several cases: two mentally ill mothers, who were inconsistently friendly, then aggressive (probably untreated bipolar), then had a psychotic break, expressed severe paranoia and fled with their kids, thinking they were under FBI surveillance or that their ex-husbands were coming for them (they weren't). Police had to get involved both times. And two overbearing fathers, of the hyper-competent but intimidating variety, with prominent jobs in the community, whom no one wanted to cross. Whenever they had grand ideas to help their school, the administration bent over backwards to accommodate them, or handled them with kid gloves to tell them what they wanted was impossible.

You know of 2 cases like this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband might be equally capable or the primary parent, but that’s not the norm and moms tend to oversee the minutiae of a child’s life. Schools are a mom’s club, where moms and teachers assume they each have good intentions. If you’re bringing dad in, it’s because you can’t work it out and the gloves are coming off. It’s an escalation technique.

Agree with this. It's unusual so they pay attention.

PTA people just want to work with their besties and aren't usually efficiency focused.

I've lived overseas for years in less progressive places than the US. This is depressing to me, not that there is a patriarchy, but in DC of all places it's that unusual for a dad to be involved in standard kid things

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was on PTAs for years, volunteered extensively in elementary, middle and high schools, and since one of my kids has special needs, we also had to deal with IEP management and additional communication surrounding my son's needs.

The only times I've seen school staff treat a parent differently is when they were scared of them. I know of several cases: two mentally ill mothers, who were inconsistently friendly, then aggressive (probably untreated bipolar), then had a psychotic break, expressed severe paranoia and fled with their kids, thinking they were under FBI surveillance or that their ex-husbands were coming for them (they weren't). Police had to get involved both times. And two overbearing fathers, of the hyper-competent but intimidating variety, with prominent jobs in the community, whom no one wanted to cross. Whenever they had grand ideas to help their school, the administration bent over backwards to accommodate them, or handled them with kid gloves to tell them what they wanted was impossible.

You know of 2 cases like this?

Yes, years apart though. One in elementary, the other in middle school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:YEARS of concerns and requests to teachers AND principals? My kids were in public schools for 12 years and I never spoke to a principal one time. What are you asking for?

She said accommodations so that means either 504 or IEP. An insanely uphill struggle for years.

School staff are often very sexist. They will lie to a woman’s face and expect her to not to challenge the lie but smile, feel awkward and run away. You have to show them you are not playing games. Put on your lawyer face, be calm, direct, and strong. If they misstate a policy or law, lodge an objection immediately. If they lie, call them on it.

My favorite interaction was a principal saying she couldn’t do something which was clearly a lie. I calmly said, OK I will escalate to the central office. Her response was no you don’t understand we can’t do that. I responded I understand that you do not have the authority to make this decision. I will simply escalate to someone who does have the authority. She immediately back pedaled and agreed to follow the IEP.

Why is this? I have noticed the same thing. Esp from fellow female teachers who dont get that women seem to work outside the home even though they do themselves

[Anonymous]

Dad’s are emotionally more stable and easier for women to handle.

[Anonymous]

sorry, fellow females who are teachers who dont seem to grasp that other women also work outside the home

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dad’s are emotionally more stable and easier for women to handle.

I think it's sort of this, but not about the staiblity but rather that men tend to be more direct in their requests, and use fewer niceties.

It's like when DW calls to schedule an appointment for a haircut.. "I'd like to schedule an appointment..." and me it's "I'd like to schedule an appointment for a cut only with X person, I've been there before, and weekdays after 2pm work best."

or when she schedules a service person to come to our house: "We live on Elm Street..." (a small residential street) then they have to ask more details like house number compared to me: "Our address is 123 Elm Street. It's off (major road) near (major landmark)."

[Anonymous]

Physical and mental dominance plus being direct.

It's why CEOs tend to be taller too.