I’m Asian and married an Asian and I think my parents wished I married a white person…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm Chinese and if parents are anything like mine, they'd complain you should have married someone Chinese if you married white or any other Asian
And if you did the right thing by marrying someone Chinese, well, that wasn't good enough either.

The best thing I ever did was realize they'll never be satisfied with anything I do, or don't do.

However since tallness is a virtue, maybe they're just complaining because they wish your kids were taller. I do happen to have a kid with a white father and my parents love to fawn over how tall he is. Every.time.he.visits.

Whatever, live your life and not theirs.

Haha, the Chinese parents have no filters. My son and his girlfriend just visited my parents, and my father said his girlfriend's figure is not good. Even my mother told him to STFU. His girlfriend is jewish and said he is just like the jewish grandparents LOL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm Chinese and if parents are anything like mine, they'd complain you should have married someone Chinese if you married white or any other Asian
And if you did the right thing by marrying someone Chinese, well, that wasn't good enough either.

The best thing I ever did was realize they'll never be satisfied with anything I do, or don't do.

However since tallness is a virtue, maybe they're just complaining because they wish your kids were taller. I do happen to have a kid with a white father and my parents love to fawn over how tall he is. Every.time.he.visits.

Whatever, live your life and not theirs.

Lol this made me laugh because it is so true. Second gen Chinese here married to a white man. If your parents are like mine, the grass is always greener on the cherry-picked path not taken.

I have a lot of thoughts on the Asians marrying whites phenomenon but I will just say that I found it hard finding and dating Asians in a non Asian dominant environment because there was so much self-hatred (is a strong word but something akin to that) in the asian community. It does seem the older I get, the more I wish I had married someone Chinese.

Can you elaborate more on your last comment about wishing you'd married someone Chinese? I'm an Asian who married an Asian and am really curious about what the Asian/non-Asian pairings are like (e.g. what are extended family dynamics like)?

PP here, sure. For me, I realized how much I wished I could share/pass down the Chinese language to my kids and to share the second gen Chinese American immigrant experience with my spouse. On the first, sometimes it really pains me that my kids won't be able to speak the language of my childhood that I used to communicate with my grandparents, now long gone. And though my English far surpasses my Chinese, Chinese was technically my first language and there is an intimate feeling I cannot quite describe when I use my pathetic Chinese. That's an intimacy I likely will never share with my husband and probably not with my kids either. Yes I could enroll them in Chinese school or tutors or speak to them and I have tried but have concluded that I simply do not have the bandwidth or ability to do this on my own.

On the second point, I am convinced that as people get older or maybe come under more stress, they kind of revert to the way they are comfortable being, and closer to their upbringing. People can change in all sorts of ways but mostly the childhood things that bring them comfort stay consistent. I just wish my spouse and I shared that.

It is interesting that another PP mentioned rarely seeing second gen Asian couples. I thought about my high school friends and they pretty much all married non Asians. And this is in an area with plentiful (but not dominant) Asians. Sometime funny happened our generation I think. Maybe too much emphasis on assimilation. Maybe most of us had such stressful home lives with our Chinese mothers that we all wanted to escape and not add another Chinese MIL.

I don't want to be mean, but do you realize this is on you? i am non-Chinese, married to Chinese who was born and raised here, he is completely American who looks Chinese, he barely speaks Chinese. But i made a huge deal about kids learning Chinese, even at a basic level. Yes, it gets hard going to Chinese school every sunday, we can't really go away for weekends during the school year, but it was and is important to me and i love it when my ILs speak Chinese to kids, though they do switch to English all the time.

[Anonymous]

I married an Asian immigrant who came when he was 3, I'm a white female. 20-some-odd years later my dear mil told me that she was secretly glad he married me so that she didn't have to complain about me all the time, because that's the expected mil/dil dynamic in old school Asian culture. But I dove right in to learning the language and culture, his family jokes I'm a better Asian than him. I tell this story because the comments may have nothing to do with your shortcomings, but them grappling with having to be "Asian" after living here for so long and wanting to be more Western.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I married an Asian immigrant who came when he was 3, I'm a white female. 20-some-odd years later my dear mil told me that she was secretly glad he married me so that she didn't have to complain about me all the time, because that's the expected mil/dil dynamic in old school Asian culture. But I dove right in to learning the language and culture, his family jokes I'm a better Asian than him. I tell this story because the comments may have nothing to do with your shortcomings, but them grappling with having to be "Asian" after living here for so long and wanting to be more Western.

PP. Asian people always thought my kids looked white, and white people always thought my kids looked Asian. Odd thing that I have noticed over the years, biracial kids with typical American last names were treated differently than my son who had an Asian last name. It became really apparent during Covid, when his close friend got no Asian hate, but he did, despite being at the same school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure if posting about race related stuff is appropriate here but here goes. I’m Chinese and was raised in the US. DH is as well. I have a lot of Asian friends - nothing against anyone else but I’ve just tended to gravitate towards people with a similar backgrounds and have a certain comfort level with them. It never surprised me that I married someone Chinese. It would’ve seemed odd to me that I mostly hang out with Asians but then marry a non-Asian, if that makes sense?

Anyways, we have kids now and lately my parents have been commenting on how they have various Chinese friends whose kids married white people, and how their kids are so cute (yeah I get it, mixed race kids are cute). They made a comment about how it would’ve interesting if I married someone outside of our race. For some reason their comments really bothered me. Am I somehow inferior since I “settled” for someone of my own ethnicity? Is marrying a white person a gold standard for an Asian? What’s wrong with being proud of who I am and finding someone similar?

I just wanted to vent a little. Curious about others thoughts on this. Anyone have parents like this?

I'm ABC and married a white girl. My parents wished the opposite. Your parents are Chinese. Chinese parents (especially moms) will always criticize something. When my kids were younger (9 and younger) i had them attend Chinese school. After a trip to Taiwan over winter break I said f* it and took them out. Fact of the matter is from a language learning perspective, once-a-week crap wasn't going to do anything. If they want to learn Chinese (or another language), do it in college (or some other strucutred environment) where you're getting instruction every day for almost an hour. Best decision ever. Now we spend those Sundays doing fun things like snowboarding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm Chinese and if parents are anything like mine, they'd complain you should have married someone Chinese if you married white or any other Asian
And if you did the right thing by marrying someone Chinese, well, that wasn't good enough either.

The best thing I ever did was realize they'll never be satisfied with anything I do, or don't do.

However since tallness is a virtue, maybe they're just complaining because they wish your kids were taller. I do happen to have a kid with a white father and my parents love to fawn over how tall he is. Every.time.he.visits.

Whatever, live your life and not theirs.

Lol this made me laugh because it is so true. Second gen Chinese here married to a white man. If your parents are like mine, the grass is always greener on the cherry-picked path not taken.

I have a lot of thoughts on the Asians marrying whites phenomenon but I will just say that I found it hard finding and dating Asians in a non Asian dominant environment because there was so much self-hatred (is a strong word but something akin to that) in the asian community. It does seem the older I get, the more I wish I had married someone Chinese.

Can you elaborate more on your last comment about wishing you'd married someone Chinese? I'm an Asian who married an Asian and am really curious about what the Asian/non-Asian pairings are like (e.g. what are extended family dynamics like)?

PP here, sure. For me, I realized how much I wished I could share/pass down the Chinese language to my kids and to share the second gen Chinese American immigrant experience with my spouse. On the first, sometimes it really pains me that my kids won't be able to speak the language of my childhood that I used to communicate with my grandparents, now long gone. And though my English far surpasses my Chinese, Chinese was technically my first language and there is an intimate feeling I cannot quite describe when I use my pathetic Chinese. That's an intimacy I likely will never share with my husband and probably not with my kids either. Yes I could enroll them in Chinese school or tutors or speak to them and I have tried but have concluded that I simply do not have the bandwidth or ability to do this on my own.

On the second point, I am convinced that as people get older or maybe come under more stress, they kind of revert to the way they are comfortable being, and closer to their upbringing. People can change in all sorts of ways but mostly the childhood things that bring them comfort stay consistent. I just wish my spouse and I shared that.

It is interesting that another PP mentioned rarely seeing second gen Asian couples. I thought about my high school friends and they pretty much all married non Asians. And this is in an area with plentiful (but not dominant) Asians. Sometime funny happened our generation I think. Maybe too much emphasis on assimilation. Maybe most of us had such stressful home lives with our Chinese mothers that we all wanted to escape and not add another Chinese MIL.

I don't want to be mean, but do you realize this is on you? i am non-Chinese, married to Chinese who was born and raised here, he is completely American who looks Chinese, he barely speaks Chinese. But i made a huge deal about kids learning Chinese, even at a basic level. Yes, it gets hard going to Chinese school every sunday, we can't really go away for weekends during the school year, but it was and is important to me and i love it when my ILs speak Chinese to kids, though they do switch to English all the time.

I applaud you for being so supportive of learning the language. However, going to Chinese school once a week does not teach a kid Chinese. It is a HUGE effort to get any kind of proficiency in the language. You have to speak it in the home environment constantly, between kids and parents and between parents I have talked a a lot of moms in mixed marriages on this issue and it is all but impossible without two Chinese speaking parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure if posting about race related stuff is appropriate here but here goes. I’m Chinese and was raised in the US. DH is as well. I have a lot of Asian friends - nothing against anyone else but I’ve just tended to gravitate towards people with a similar backgrounds and have a certain comfort level with them. It never surprised me that I married someone Chinese. It would’ve seemed odd to me that I mostly hang out with Asians but then marry a non-Asian, if that makes sense?

Anyways, we have kids now and lately my parents have been commenting on how they have various Chinese friends whose kids married white people, and how their kids are so cute (yeah I get it, mixed race kids are cute). They made a comment about how it would’ve interesting if I married someone outside of our race. For some reason their comments really bothered me. Am I somehow inferior since I “settled” for someone of my own ethnicity? Is marrying a white person a gold standard for an Asian? What’s wrong with being proud of who I am and finding someone similar?

I just wanted to vent a little. Curious about others thoughts on this. Anyone have parents like this?

I'm ABC and married a white girl. My parents wished the opposite. Your parents are Chinese. Chinese parents (especially moms) will always criticize something. When my kids were younger (9 and younger) i had them attend Chinese school. After a trip to Taiwan over winter break I said f* it and took them out. Fact of the matter is from a language learning perspective, once-a-week crap wasn't going to do anything. If they want to learn Chinese (or another language), do it in college (or some other strucutred environment) where you're getting instruction every day for almost an hour. Best decision ever. Now we spend those Sundays doing fun things like snowboarding.

I kind of agree. I've decided Chinese school is only for the cultural aspect. For kids where Chinese is not spoken at home regularly, they really need the internal motivation to learn, which few young kids have but it might happen in college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm Chinese and if parents are anything like mine, they'd complain you should have married someone Chinese if you married white or any other Asian
And if you did the right thing by marrying someone Chinese, well, that wasn't good enough either.

The best thing I ever did was realize they'll never be satisfied with anything I do, or don't do.

However since tallness is a virtue, maybe they're just complaining because they wish your kids were taller. I do happen to have a kid with a white father and my parents love to fawn over how tall he is. Every.time.he.visits.

Whatever, live your life and not theirs.

Lol this made me laugh because it is so true. Second gen Chinese here married to a white man. If your parents are like mine, the grass is always greener on the cherry-picked path not taken.

I have a lot of thoughts on the Asians marrying whites phenomenon but I will just say that I found it hard finding and dating Asians in a non Asian dominant environment because there was so much self-hatred (is a strong word but something akin to that) in the asian community. It does seem the older I get, the more I wish I had married someone Chinese.

Can you elaborate more on your last comment about wishing you'd married someone Chinese? I'm an Asian who married an Asian and am really curious about what the Asian/non-Asian pairings are like (e.g. what are extended family dynamics like)?

PP here, sure. For me, I realized how much I wished I could share/pass down the Chinese language to my kids and to share the second gen Chinese American immigrant experience with my spouse. On the first, sometimes it really pains me that my kids won't be able to speak the language of my childhood that I used to communicate with my grandparents, now long gone. And though my English far surpasses my Chinese, Chinese was technically my first language and there is an intimate feeling I cannot quite describe when I use my pathetic Chinese. That's an intimacy I likely will never share with my husband and probably not with my kids either. Yes I could enroll them in Chinese school or tutors or speak to them and I have tried but have concluded that I simply do not have the bandwidth or ability to do this on my own.

On the second point, I am convinced that as people get older or maybe come under more stress, they kind of revert to the way they are comfortable being, and closer to their upbringing. People can change in all sorts of ways but mostly the childhood things that bring them comfort stay consistent. I just wish my spouse and I shared that.

It is interesting that another PP mentioned rarely seeing second gen Asian couples. I thought about my high school friends and they pretty much all married non Asians. And this is in an area with plentiful (but not dominant) Asians. Sometime funny happened our generation I think. Maybe too much emphasis on assimilation. Maybe most of us had such stressful home lives with our Chinese mothers that we all wanted to escape and not add another Chinese MIL.

I don't want to be mean, but do you realize this is on you? i am non-Chinese, married to Chinese who was born and raised here, he is completely American who looks Chinese, he barely speaks Chinese. But i made a huge deal about kids learning Chinese, even at a basic level. Yes, it gets hard going to Chinese school every sunday, we can't really go away for weekends during the school year, but it was and is important to me and i love it when my ILs speak Chinese to kids, though they do switch to English all the time.

I applaud you for being so supportive of learning the language. However, going to Chinese school once a week does not teach a kid Chinese. It is a HUGE effort to get any kind of proficiency in the language. You have to speak it in the home environment constantly, between kids and parents and between parents I have talked a a lot of moms in mixed marriages on this issue and it is all but impossible without two Chinese speaking parents.

This.
It is possible if one parent speaks Chinese, but you will be leaving the parent out.

[Anonymous]

I knew a Chinese American fellow at uni. He was tall & successful & told me, "I date blondes, now."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean half Asian babies are realllllly cute.

But it’s a shitty thing to say. I’m sorry OP.

They’re really cute…but I just think it’s because they look like Asian kids with white features and people think white features are more attractive so…

+1

ASIANS think white features are more attractive. Black people don't have the same racism/bias as asians.

I’m Black. Yes we sure do ..
Got time??

Our bias comes into play with our hair and shape and of course our skin color .. typically the liter the better

If we don’t have xxx type hair aka good hair or hair that’s easier to to manage or let me honest close to any other race or if we lack a rear end - yes a butt you’re in trouble…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure if posting about race related stuff is appropriate here but here goes. I’m Chinese and was raised in the US. DH is as well. I have a lot of Asian friends - nothing against anyone else but I’ve just tended to gravitate towards people with a similar backgrounds and have a certain comfort level with them. It never surprised me that I married someone Chinese. It would’ve seemed odd to me that I mostly hang out with Asians but then marry a non-Asian, if that makes sense?

Anyways, we have kids now and lately my parents have been commenting on how they have various Chinese friends whose kids married white people, and how their kids are so cute (yeah I get it, mixed race kids are cute). They made a comment about how it would’ve interesting if I married someone outside of our race. For some reason their comments really bothered me. Am I somehow inferior since I “settled” for someone of my own ethnicity? Is marrying a white person a gold standard for an Asian? What’s wrong with being proud of who I am and finding someone similar?

I just wanted to vent a little. Curious about others thoughts on this. Anyone have parents like this?

Drown Asian kids can find problems in every word their parents utter. May be they are only trying to express their open mindedness.

This^.

[Anonymous]

They probably don't mean anything, trying to be openminded or feel like life would be somehow better fir the kuds considering recent rise of racism.

[Anonymous]

Giving all races an equal opportunity for friendship, love and marriage is as beautiful as limiting yourself to what you've known and can relate to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I married an Asian immigrant who came when he was 3, I'm a white female. 20-some-odd years later my dear mil told me that she was secretly glad he married me so that she didn't have to complain about me all the time, because that's the expected mil/dil dynamic in old school Asian culture. But I dove right in to learning the language and culture, his family jokes I'm a better Asian than him. I tell this story because the comments may have nothing to do with your shortcomings, but them grappling with having to be "Asian" after living here for so long and wanting to be more Western.

PP. Asian people always thought my kids looked white, and white people always thought my kids looked Asian. Odd thing that I have noticed over the years, biracial kids with typical American last names were treated differently than my son who had an Asian last name. It became really apparent during Covid, when his close friend got no Asian hate, but he did, despite being at the same school.

Which kid is getting the Asian hate?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I knew a Chinese American fellow at uni. He was tall & successful & told me, "I date blondes, now."

eh.. there are men from all different races who "only date blondes".