I’m Asian and married an Asian and I think my parents wished I married a white person…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm Chinese and if parents are anything like mine, they'd complain you should have married someone Chinese if you married white or any other Asian
And if you did the right thing by marrying someone Chinese, well, that wasn't good enough either.

The best thing I ever did was realize they'll never be satisfied with anything I do, or don't do.

However since tallness is a virtue, maybe they're just complaining because they wish your kids were taller. I do happen to have a kid with a white father and my parents love to fawn over how tall he is. Every.time.he.visits.

Whatever, live your life and not theirs.

Lol this made me laugh because it is so true. Second gen Chinese here married to a white man. If your parents are like mine, the grass is always greener on the cherry-picked path not taken.

I have a lot of thoughts on the Asians marrying whites phenomenon but I will just say that I found it hard finding and dating Asians in a non Asian dominant environment because there was so much self-hatred (is a strong word but something akin to that) in the asian community. It does seem the older I get, the more I wish I had married someone Chinese.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm Chinese and if parents are anything like mine, they'd complain you should have married someone Chinese if you married white or any other Asian
And if you did the right thing by marrying someone Chinese, well, that wasn't good enough either.

The best thing I ever did was realize they'll never be satisfied with anything I do, or don't do.

However since tallness is a virtue, maybe they're just complaining because they wish your kids were taller. I do happen to have a kid with a white father and my parents love to fawn over how tall he is. Every.time.he.visits.

Whatever, live your life and not theirs.

Lol this made me laugh because it is so true. Second gen Chinese here married to a white man. If your parents are like mine, the grass is always greener on the cherry-picked path not taken.

I have a lot of thoughts on the Asians marrying whites phenomenon but I will just say that I found it hard finding and dating Asians in a non Asian dominant environment because there was so much self-hatred (is a strong word but something akin to that) in the asian community. It does seem the older I get, the more I wish I had married someone Chinese.

Can you elaborate more on your last comment about wishing you'd married someone Chinese? I'm an Asian who married an Asian and am really curious about what the Asian/non-Asian pairings are like (e.g. what are extended family dynamics like)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm Chinese and if parents are anything like mine, they'd complain you should have married someone Chinese if you married white or any other Asian
And if you did the right thing by marrying someone Chinese, well, that wasn't good enough either.

The best thing I ever did was realize they'll never be satisfied with anything I do, or don't do.

However since tallness is a virtue, maybe they're just complaining because they wish your kids were taller. I do happen to have a kid with a white father and my parents love to fawn over how tall he is. Every.time.he.visits.

Whatever, live your life and not theirs.

Lol this made me laugh because it is so true. Second gen Chinese here married to a white man. If your parents are like mine, the grass is always greener on the cherry-picked path not taken.

I have a lot of thoughts on the Asians marrying whites phenomenon but I will just say that I found it hard finding and dating Asians in a non Asian dominant environment because there was so much self-hatred (is a strong word but something akin to that) in the asian community. It does seem the older I get, the more I wish I had married someone Chinese.

Can you elaborate more on your last comment about wishing you'd married someone Chinese? I'm an Asian who married an Asian and am really curious about what the Asian/non-Asian pairings are like (e.g. what are extended family dynamics like)?

PP here, sure. For me, I realized how much I wished I could share/pass down the Chinese language to my kids and to share the second gen Chinese American immigrant experience with my spouse. On the first, sometimes it really pains me that my kids won't be able to speak the language of my childhood that I used to communicate with my grandparents, now long gone. And though my English far surpasses my Chinese, Chinese was technically my first language and there is an intimate feeling I cannot quite describe when I use my pathetic Chinese. That's an intimacy I likely will never share with my husband and probably not with my kids either. Yes I could enroll them in Chinese school or tutors or speak to them and I have tried but have concluded that I simply do not have the bandwidth or ability to do this on my own.

On the second point, I am convinced that as people get older or maybe come under more stress, they kind of revert to the way they are comfortable being, and closer to their upbringing. People can change in all sorts of ways but mostly the childhood things that bring them comfort stay consistent. I just wish my spouse and I shared that.

It is interesting that another PP mentioned rarely seeing second gen Asian couples. I thought about my high school friends and they pretty much all married non Asians. And this is in an area with plentiful (but not dominant) Asians. Sometime funny happened our generation I think. Maybe too much emphasis on assimilation. Maybe most of us had such stressful home lives with our Chinese mothers that we all wanted to escape and not add another Chinese MIL.

[Anonymous]

I grew up in a very white environment. It was so isolating, I could count on one hand the number of minorities in my grade. I was a minority in terms of religion as well compared to my peers. I didn't know a lot of Asian males my age.

I married a white man, and there have been some cultural misunderstandings. He grew up in a much poorer family that has been in the USA for hundreds of years, lots more drugs and sex, divorced parents. I have had issues with one side of his family being so closed-minded and doesn't interact with people who don't look like them at all.

The older I am, I see how it would have been much easier to marry someone who understood my immigrant background and having parents who were super religious and not into American norms of permissiveness and how it was to be the only one of your background much of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm Chinese and if parents are anything like mine, they'd complain you should have married someone Chinese if you married white or any other Asian
And if you did the right thing by marrying someone Chinese, well, that wasn't good enough either.

The best thing I ever did was realize they'll never be satisfied with anything I do, or don't do.

However since tallness is a virtue, maybe they're just complaining because they wish your kids were taller. I do happen to have a kid with a white father and my parents love to fawn over how tall he is. Every.time.he.visits.

Whatever, live your life and not theirs.

Lol this made me laugh because it is so true. Second gen Chinese here married to a white man. If your parents are like mine, the grass is always greener on the cherry-picked path not taken.

I have a lot of thoughts on the Asians marrying whites phenomenon but I will just say that I found it hard finding and dating Asians in a non Asian dominant environment because there was so much self-hatred (is a strong word but something akin to that) in the asian community. It does seem the older I get, the more I wish I had married someone Chinese.

Can you elaborate more on your last comment about wishing you'd married someone Chinese? I'm an Asian who married an Asian and am really curious about what the Asian/non-Asian pairings are like (e.g. what are extended family dynamics like)?

PP here, sure. For me, I realized how much I wished I could share/pass down the Chinese language to my kids and to share the second gen Chinese American immigrant experience with my spouse. On the first, sometimes it really pains me that my kids won't be able to speak the language of my childhood that I used to communicate with my grandparents, now long gone. And though my English far surpasses my Chinese, Chinese was technically my first language and there is an intimate feeling I cannot quite describe when I use my pathetic Chinese. That's an intimacy I likely will never share with my husband and probably not with my kids either. Yes I could enroll them in Chinese school or tutors or speak to them and I have tried but have concluded that I simply do not have the bandwidth or ability to do this on my own.

On the second point, I am convinced that as people get older or maybe come under more stress, they kind of revert to the way they are comfortable being, and closer to their upbringing. People can change in all sorts of ways but mostly the childhood things that bring them comfort stay consistent. I just wish my spouse and I shared that.

It is interesting that another PP mentioned rarely seeing second gen Asian couples. I thought about my high school friends and they pretty much all married non Asians. And this is in an area with plentiful (but not dominant) Asians. Sometime funny happened our generation I think. Maybe too much emphasis on assimilation. Maybe most of us had such stressful home lives with our Chinese mothers that we all wanted to escape and not add another Chinese MIL.

+100. I could not agree with this more. At 47 and now with two deceased parents, I notice I am reverting to my roots more and more. My roots represent home, and home is where I am most comfortable with myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in a very white environment. It was so isolating, I could count on one hand the number of minorities in my grade. I was a minority in terms of religion as well compared to my peers. I didn't know a lot of Asian males my age.

I married a white man, and there have been some cultural misunderstandings. He grew up in a much poorer family that has been in the USA for hundreds of years, lots more drugs and sex, divorced parents. I have had issues with one side of his family being so closed-minded and doesn't interact with people who don't look like them at all.

The older I am, I see how it would have been much easier to marry someone who understood my immigrant background and having parents who were super religious and not into American norms of permissiveness and how it was to be the only one of your background much of the time.

I am the PP who is married to a fellow second-gen Asian. It is indeed nice to have this common understanding. We are raising our kids not as strictly as our parents did but not as permissively as many of our children's friends' parents. Also, we are not strong conservative Christians like our parents but faith is still an important part of our marriage and family.

I hope you have some Asian American friends. I wish I had more!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm Chinese and if parents are anything like mine, they'd complain you should have married someone Chinese if you married white or any other Asian
And if you did the right thing by marrying someone Chinese, well, that wasn't good enough either.

The best thing I ever did was realize they'll never be satisfied with anything I do, or don't do.

However since tallness is a virtue, maybe they're just complaining because they wish your kids were taller. I do happen to have a kid with a white father and my parents love to fawn over how tall he is. Every.time.he.visits.

Whatever, live your life and not theirs.

Lol this made me laugh because it is so true. Second gen Chinese here married to a white man. If your parents are like mine, the grass is always greener on the cherry-picked path not taken.

I have a lot of thoughts on the Asians marrying whites phenomenon but I will just say that I found it hard finding and dating Asians in a non Asian dominant environment because there was so much self-hatred (is a strong word but something akin to that) in the asian community. It does seem the older I get, the more I wish I had married someone Chinese.

Can you elaborate more on your last comment about wishing you'd married someone Chinese? I'm an Asian who married an Asian and am really curious about what the Asian/non-Asian pairings are like (e.g. what are extended family dynamics like)?

PP here, sure. For me, I realized how much I wished I could share/pass down the Chinese language to my kids and to share the second gen Chinese American immigrant experience with my spouse. On the first, sometimes it really pains me that my kids won't be able to speak the language of my childhood that I used to communicate with my grandparents, now long gone. And though my English far surpasses my Chinese, Chinese was technically my first language and there is an intimate feeling I cannot quite describe when I use my pathetic Chinese. That's an intimacy I likely will never share with my husband and probably not with my kids either. Yes I could enroll them in Chinese school or tutors or speak to them and I have tried but have concluded that I simply do not have the bandwidth or ability to do this on my own.

On the second point, I am convinced that as people get older or maybe come under more stress, they kind of revert to the way they are comfortable being, and closer to their upbringing. People can change in all sorts of ways but mostly the childhood things that bring them comfort stay consistent. I just wish my spouse and I shared that.

It is interesting that another PP mentioned rarely seeing second gen Asian couples. I thought about my high school friends and they pretty much all married non Asians. And this is in an area with plentiful (but not dominant) Asians. Sometime funny happened our generation I think. Maybe too much emphasis on assimilation. Maybe most of us had such stressful home lives with our Chinese mothers that we all wanted to escape and not add another Chinese MIL.

It would be interesting to see a sociological study on this.

Also, I know many Asian female/White male couples (though the reverse is becoming more common), and I feel like they mostly hang out with similarly composed couples.

It's funny you bring up the MIL thing. I used to think that I wasn't "Asian enough" culturally to please a future Asian MIL but that their expectations would be different for a White spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm Chinese and if parents are anything like mine, they'd complain you should have married someone Chinese if you married white or any other Asian
And if you did the right thing by marrying someone Chinese, well, that wasn't good enough either.

The best thing I ever did was realize they'll never be satisfied with anything I do, or don't do.

However since tallness is a virtue, maybe they're just complaining because they wish your kids were taller. I do happen to have a kid with a white father and my parents love to fawn over how tall he is. Every.time.he.visits.

Whatever, live your life and not theirs.

Lol this made me laugh because it is so true. Second gen Chinese here married to a white man. If your parents are like mine, the grass is always greener on the cherry-picked path not taken.

I have a lot of thoughts on the Asians marrying whites phenomenon but I will just say that I found it hard finding and dating Asians in a non Asian dominant environment because there was so much self-hatred (is a strong word but something akin to that) in the asian community. It does seem the older I get, the more I wish I had married someone Chinese.

Can you elaborate more on your last comment about wishing you'd married someone Chinese? I'm an Asian who married an Asian and am really curious about what the Asian/non-Asian pairings are like (e.g. what are extended family dynamics like)?

PP here, sure. For me, I realized how much I wished I could share/pass down the Chinese language to my kids and to share the second gen Chinese American immigrant experience with my spouse. On the first, sometimes it really pains me that my kids won't be able to speak the language of my childhood that I used to communicate with my grandparents, now long gone. And though my English far surpasses my Chinese, Chinese was technically my first language and there is an intimate feeling I cannot quite describe when I use my pathetic Chinese. That's an intimacy I likely will never share with my husband and probably not with my kids either. Yes I could enroll them in Chinese school or tutors or speak to them and I have tried but have concluded that I simply do not have the bandwidth or ability to do this on my own.

On the second point, I am convinced that as people get older or maybe come under more stress, they kind of revert to the way they are comfortable being, and closer to their upbringing. People can change in all sorts of ways but mostly the childhood things that bring them comfort stay consistent. I just wish my spouse and I shared that.

It is interesting that another PP mentioned rarely seeing second gen Asian couples. I thought about my high school friends and they pretty much all married non Asians. And this is in an area with plentiful (but not dominant) Asians. Sometime funny happened our generation I think. Maybe too much emphasis on assimilation. Maybe most of us had such stressful home lives with our Chinese mothers that we all wanted to escape and not add another Chinese MIL.

It would be interesting to see a sociological study on this.

Also, I know many Asian female/White male couples (though the reverse is becoming more common), and I feel like they mostly hang out with similarly composed couples.

It's funny you bring up the MIL thing. I used to think that I wasn't "Asian enough" culturally to please a future Asian MIL but that their expectations would be different for a White spouse.

I had a Xmas gathering with some high school friends this year, all Asian. And now going through each one, I realized not a single Asian married another Asian. Women, men, didn't matter. They all married non Asians.

Thinking back, I think when I was young, the Asians around me were all having their own identify crisis. The parent generation were all immigrants who pushed academics and not much social skills. These immigrant parents also rarely showed any affection towards each other and with the kids. On some level, the kids envied the white families with seemingly affectionate and reasonable parents. I think in some ways, marrying out was a way to escape that suffocating experience. Of course it is not until we get older that we realize that experience defines who we are in more ways then we care to admit and it would be nice to have someone who understands that background.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm Chinese and if parents are anything like mine, they'd complain you should have married someone Chinese if you married white or any other Asian
And if you did the right thing by marrying someone Chinese, well, that wasn't good enough either.

The best thing I ever did was realize they'll never be satisfied with anything I do, or don't do.

However since tallness is a virtue, maybe they're just complaining because they wish your kids were taller. I do happen to have a kid with a white father and my parents love to fawn over how tall he is. Every.time.he.visits.

Whatever, live your life and not theirs.

Lol this made me laugh because it is so true. Second gen Chinese here married to a white man. If your parents are like mine, the grass is always greener on the cherry-picked path not taken.

I have a lot of thoughts on the Asians marrying whites phenomenon but I will just say that I found it hard finding and dating Asians in a non Asian dominant environment because there was so much self-hatred (is a strong word but something akin to that) in the asian community. It does seem the older I get, the more I wish I had married someone Chinese.

Can you elaborate more on your last comment about wishing you'd married someone Chinese? I'm an Asian who married an Asian and am really curious about what the Asian/non-Asian pairings are like (e.g. what are extended family dynamics like)?

PP here, sure. For me, I realized how much I wished I could share/pass down the Chinese language to my kids and to share the second gen Chinese American immigrant experience with my spouse. On the first, sometimes it really pains me that my kids won't be able to speak the language of my childhood that I used to communicate with my grandparents, now long gone. And though my English far surpasses my Chinese, Chinese was technically my first language and there is an intimate feeling I cannot quite describe when I use my pathetic Chinese. That's an intimacy I likely will never share with my husband and probably not with my kids either. Yes I could enroll them in Chinese school or tutors or speak to them and I have tried but have concluded that I simply do not have the bandwidth or ability to do this on my own.

On the second point, I am convinced that as people get older or maybe come under more stress, they kind of revert to the way they are comfortable being, and closer to their upbringing. People can change in all sorts of ways but mostly the childhood things that bring them comfort stay consistent. I just wish my spouse and I shared that.

It is interesting that another PP mentioned rarely seeing second gen Asian couples. I thought about my high school friends and they pretty much all married non Asians. And this is in an area with plentiful (but not dominant) Asians. Sometime funny happened our generation I think. Maybe too much emphasis on assimilation. Maybe most of us had such stressful home lives with our Chinese mothers that we all wanted to escape and not add another Chinese MIL.

If it makes you feel better, my spouse and I are both Chinese and both of us are pretty bad at speaking it, and we've taught our kids a pretty minimal amount. They're still young though and reading your post makes me want to try harder to teach it. It is so hard, though! I see first gen Chinese parents and am jealous that they can so easily teach their kids (while realizing they also deal with their struggles if their English isn't that great).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm Chinese and if parents are anything like mine, they'd complain you should have married someone Chinese if you married white or any other Asian
And if you did the right thing by marrying someone Chinese, well, that wasn't good enough either.

The best thing I ever did was realize they'll never be satisfied with anything I do, or don't do.

However since tallness is a virtue, maybe they're just complaining because they wish your kids were taller. I do happen to have a kid with a white father and my parents love to fawn over how tall he is. Every.time.he.visits.

Whatever, live your life and not theirs.

Lol this made me laugh because it is so true. Second gen Chinese here married to a white man. If your parents are like mine, the grass is always greener on the cherry-picked path not taken.

I have a lot of thoughts on the Asians marrying whites phenomenon but I will just say that I found it hard finding and dating Asians in a non Asian dominant environment because there was so much self-hatred (is a strong word but something akin to that) in the asian community. It does seem the older I get, the more I wish I had married someone Chinese.

Can you elaborate more on your last comment about wishing you'd married someone Chinese? I'm an Asian who married an Asian and am really curious about what the Asian/non-Asian pairings are like (e.g. what are extended family dynamics like)?

PP here, sure. For me, I realized how much I wished I could share/pass down the Chinese language to my kids and to share the second gen Chinese American immigrant experience with my spouse. On the first, sometimes it really pains me that my kids won't be able to speak the language of my childhood that I used to communicate with my grandparents, now long gone. And though my English far surpasses my Chinese, Chinese was technically my first language and there is an intimate feeling I cannot quite describe when I use my pathetic Chinese. That's an intimacy I likely will never share with my husband and probably not with my kids either. Yes I could enroll them in Chinese school or tutors or speak to them and I have tried but have concluded that I simply do not have the bandwidth or ability to do this on my own.

On the second point, I am convinced that as people get older or maybe come under more stress, they kind of revert to the way they are comfortable being, and closer to their upbringing. People can change in all sorts of ways but mostly the childhood things that bring them comfort stay consistent. I just wish my spouse and I shared that.

It is interesting that another PP mentioned rarely seeing second gen Asian couples. I thought about my high school friends and they pretty much all married non Asians. And this is in an area with plentiful (but not dominant) Asians. Sometime funny happened our generation I think. Maybe too much emphasis on assimilation. Maybe most of us had such stressful home lives with our Chinese mothers that we all wanted to escape and not add another Chinese MIL.

If it makes you feel better, my spouse and I are both Chinese and both of us are pretty bad at speaking it, and we've taught our kids a pretty minimal amount. They're still young though and reading your post makes me want to try harder to teach it. It is so hard, though! I see first gen Chinese parents and am jealous that they can so easily teach their kids (while realizing they also deal with their struggles if their English isn't that great).

DP. 2nd gen Chinese here. I agree it's hard to teach Chinese if you're speaking English at home. I wish I had sent my DS to a class when he was young.

When he started college, he became more aware of his identity (he's half Asian), and became really interested in learning Chinese. So now he's always asking me "how do you say....in Chinese?" And he practices when he visits his grandparents or grand aunt/uncles.

So if there's a Chinese school on the weekend, maybe consider that for your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in a very white environment. It was so isolating, I could count on one hand the number of minorities in my grade. I was a minority in terms of religion as well compared to my peers. I didn't know a lot of Asian males my age.

I married a white man, and there have been some cultural misunderstandings. He grew up in a much poorer family that has been in the USA for hundreds of years, lots more drugs and sex, divorced parents. I have had issues with one side of his family being so closed-minded and doesn't interact with people who don't look like them at all.

The older I am, I see how it would have been much easier to marry someone who understood my immigrant background and having parents who were super religious and not into American norms of permissiveness and how it was to be the only one of your background much of the time.

I am the PP who is married to a fellow second-gen Asian. It is indeed nice to have this common understanding. We are raising our kids not as strictly as our parents did but not as permissively as many of our children's friends' parents. Also, we are not strong conservative Christians like our parents but faith is still an important part of our marriage and family.

I hope you have some Asian American friends. I wish I had more!

Thank you so much! I have some but hoping to make more. Think it will be easier once I move back to a much more diverse city this year. Best of luck to you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm Chinese and if parents are anything like mine, they'd complain you should have married someone Chinese if you married white or any other Asian
And if you did the right thing by marrying someone Chinese, well, that wasn't good enough either.

The best thing I ever did was realize they'll never be satisfied with anything I do, or don't do.

However since tallness is a virtue, maybe they're just complaining because they wish your kids were taller. I do happen to have a kid with a white father and my parents love to fawn over how tall he is. Every.time.he.visits.

Whatever, live your life and not theirs.

Lol this made me laugh because it is so true. Second gen Chinese here married to a white man. If your parents are like mine, the grass is always greener on the cherry-picked path not taken.

I have a lot of thoughts on the Asians marrying whites phenomenon but I will just say that I found it hard finding and dating Asians in a non Asian dominant environment because there was so much self-hatred (is a strong word but something akin to that) in the asian community. It does seem the older I get, the more I wish I had married someone Chinese.

Can you elaborate more on your last comment about wishing you'd married someone Chinese? I'm an Asian who married an Asian and am really curious about what the Asian/non-Asian pairings are like (e.g. what are extended family dynamics like)?

PP here, sure. For me, I realized how much I wished I could share/pass down the Chinese language to my kids and to share the second gen Chinese American immigrant experience with my spouse. On the first, sometimes it really pains me that my kids won't be able to speak the language of my childhood that I used to communicate with my grandparents, now long gone. And though my English far surpasses my Chinese, Chinese was technically my first language and there is an intimate feeling I cannot quite describe when I use my pathetic Chinese. That's an intimacy I likely will never share with my husband and probably not with my kids either. Yes I could enroll them in Chinese school or tutors or speak to them and I have tried but have concluded that I simply do not have the bandwidth or ability to do this on my own.

On the second point, I am convinced that as people get older or maybe come under more stress, they kind of revert to the way they are comfortable being, and closer to their upbringing. People can change in all sorts of ways but mostly the childhood things that bring them comfort stay consistent. I just wish my spouse and I shared that.

It is interesting that another PP mentioned rarely seeing second gen Asian couples. I thought about my high school friends and they pretty much all married non Asians. And this is in an area with plentiful (but not dominant) Asians. Sometime funny happened our generation I think. Maybe too much emphasis on assimilation. Maybe most of us had such stressful home lives with our Chinese mothers that we all wanted to escape and not add another Chinese MIL.

If it makes you feel better, my spouse and I are both Chinese and both of us are pretty bad at speaking it, and we've taught our kids a pretty minimal amount. They're still young though and reading your post makes me want to try harder to teach it. It is so hard, though! I see first gen Chinese parents and am jealous that they can so easily teach their kids (while realizing they also deal with their struggles if their English isn't that great).

Yes it is so hard! I have no big aspirations about them being fluent. I really just want them to have some foundation so that if they want to pick it up in college like PP mentioned, it's not completely foreign. It seems somewhat common that some kids develop an interest in their heritage language once in high school/college, maybe when they realize society labels them regardless of how they perceive themselves. And with half Asian kids, there is such wide range of identity. I grew up with some half Asian friends who were not exposed to much on their heritage side plus the desire to assimilate and grew up totally "white" and now as a parent, that would make me so sad. My whole heritage, wiped out in one generation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm Chinese and if parents are anything like mine, they'd complain you should have married someone Chinese if you married white or any other Asian
And if you did the right thing by marrying someone Chinese, well, that wasn't good enough either.

The best thing I ever did was realize they'll never be satisfied with anything I do, or don't do.

However since tallness is a virtue, maybe they're just complaining because they wish your kids were taller. I do happen to have a kid with a white father and my parents love to fawn over how tall he is. Every.time.he.visits.

Whatever, live your life and not theirs.

Lol this made me laugh because it is so true. Second gen Chinese here married to a white man. If your parents are like mine, the grass is always greener on the cherry-picked path not taken.

I have a lot of thoughts on the Asians marrying whites phenomenon but I will just say that I found it hard finding and dating Asians in a non Asian dominant environment because there was so much self-hatred (is a strong word but something akin to that) in the asian community. It does seem the older I get, the more I wish I had married someone Chinese.

Can you elaborate more on your last comment about wishing you'd married someone Chinese? I'm an Asian who married an Asian and am really curious about what the Asian/non-Asian pairings are like (e.g. what are extended family dynamics like)?

PP here, sure. For me, I realized how much I wished I could share/pass down the Chinese language to my kids and to share the second gen Chinese American immigrant experience with my spouse. On the first, sometimes it really pains me that my kids won't be able to speak the language of my childhood that I used to communicate with my grandparents, now long gone. And though my English far surpasses my Chinese, Chinese was technically my first language and there is an intimate feeling I cannot quite describe when I use my pathetic Chinese. That's an intimacy I likely will never share with my husband and probably not with my kids either. Yes I could enroll them in Chinese school or tutors or speak to them and I have tried but have concluded that I simply do not have the bandwidth or ability to do this on my own.

On the second point, I am convinced that as people get older or maybe come under more stress, they kind of revert to the way they are comfortable being, and closer to their upbringing. People can change in all sorts of ways but mostly the childhood things that bring them comfort stay consistent. I just wish my spouse and I shared that.

It is interesting that another PP mentioned rarely seeing second gen Asian couples. I thought about my high school friends and they pretty much all married non Asians. And this is in an area with plentiful (but not dominant) Asians. Sometime funny happened our generation I think. Maybe too much emphasis on assimilation. Maybe most of us had such stressful home lives with our Chinese mothers that we all wanted to escape and not add another Chinese MIL.

If it makes you feel better, my spouse and I are both Chinese and both of us are pretty bad at speaking it, and we've taught our kids a pretty minimal amount. They're still young though and reading your post makes me want to try harder to teach it. It is so hard, though! I see first gen Chinese parents and am jealous that they can so easily teach their kids (while realizing they also deal with their struggles if their English isn't that great).

Yes it is so hard! I have no big aspirations about them being fluent. I really just want them to have some foundation so that if they want to pick it up in college like PP mentioned, it's not completely foreign. It seems somewhat common that some kids develop an interest in their heritage language once in high school/college, maybe when they realize society labels them regardless of how they perceive themselves. And with half Asian kids, there is such wide range of identity. I grew up with some half Asian friends who were not exposed to much on their heritage side plus the desire to assimilate and grew up totally "white" and now as a parent, that would make me so sad. My whole heritage, wiped out in one generation.

+1 If mine can understand basic vocabulary and have good pronunciation, even if they can't speak much voluntarily, that would be a win for me!

[Anonymous]

I find it interesting to read that so many asians have very few asian/asian couple friends! I'm white, but I grew up in a very diverse area (married to a POC). All of our asian friends are dating/engaged/married to other asians. Most of our friends are vietnamese, so maybe it's different than chinese folk? But we have 2 weddings this year of asian/asian (viet/viet) friends. A few of the indian men have white spouses (one who chronically only dates white women, but is so scared of his parents he hides his full arm and leg sleeve tattoos from them- interesting combo).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. Your parents are just talking. They are not being serious.
2. There are plenty of mixed race kids who are not cute. They are just noticing the cute ones.
3. In my mid-40s, and of the small number of my Asian female friends who are divorced, most of them married non-Asians.
4. If you did marry a non-Asian, rest assured, you’d get a lot more salty comments than just ones about mixed kids being cuter…

I would be annoyed but I wouldn’t take their comment seriously.

Would you allow them to make those comments around your kids?
I wouldn't...just like I don't allow parents or relatives to make racist comments around us or our kids. We shut it down, or we leave and dont return for a long time.