I’m Asian and married an Asian and I think my parents wished I married a white person…
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Anonymous
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Not sure if posting about race related stuff is appropriate here but here goes. I’m Chinese and was raised in the US. DH is as well. I have a lot of Asian friends - nothing against anyone else but I’ve just tended to gravitate towards people with a similar backgrounds and have a certain comfort level with them. It never surprised me that I married someone Chinese. It would’ve seemed odd to me that I mostly hang out with Asians but then marry a non-Asian, if that makes sense?
Anyways, we have kids now and lately my parents have been commenting on how they have various Chinese friends whose kids married white people, and how their kids are so cute (yeah I get it, mixed race kids are cute). They made a comment about how it would’ve interesting if I married someone outside of our race. For some reason their comments really bothered me. Am I somehow inferior since I “settled” for someone of my own ethnicity? Is marrying a white person a gold standard for an Asian? What’s wrong with being proud of who I am and finding someone similar? I just wanted to vent a little. Curious about others thoughts on this. Anyone have parents like this? |
Anonymous
| They just hate your husband. |
Anonymous
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I think they were just making conversation. I wouldn't worry about it.
Little Chinese kids are cute, too. |
Anonymous
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I mean half Asian babies are realllllly cute.
But it’s a shitty thing to say. I’m sorry OP. |
Anonymous
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My dad had a good response to these types of comments from his parents: " If you wanted X, you should have had more children. "
My FIL (brown hair, brown eyes married to MIL brown hair brown eyes) would make wistful comments about having blonde grandchildren. DH would tell him that MIL should have passed on him to marry a tall blonde. |
Anonymous
They are lucky to have any grandchildren. Fate has dictated we will not and we would have been awesome grandparents. Life isn't fair. |
Anonymous
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I’m a white woman and married a CBC and I think my MIL is very happy but I know my SIL isn’t. Honestly I don’t think 1st and 2nd gen Asian Americans who are from families of the era and class of assimilation can win. My ILs really pushed assimilation, but now we feel some pangs because culture and language has been lost- especially because culture is usually transmitted through stereotypically female pursuits and I am from outside that culture. At the same time, my ILs look down on more recent and less assimilated immigrants and we don’t fit in with them as a family.
I’m guessing they don’t really care, Op, but may just be signaling to you that they are open-minded. Hope for that and let the rest go. And be grateful you’re not the white mom trying to help her kids with Saturday school homework and getting scolded for every misstep by the aunties and teachers! |
Anonymous
They’re really cute…but I just think it’s because they look like Asian kids with white features and people think white features are more attractive so… |
Anonymous
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They are being super insensitive but also, as is the habit of old folks everywhere, are likely unaware of how you are taking their comments.
BTW the whole "mixed kids are the cutest" is a deeply toxic attitude that I wish would go away forever. I think it started as a way of embracing mixed families and their kids but it's not okay anymore. My DC has been teased at school because she's not mixed and all the mixed kids (I feel like half the class is mixed) like to say this a lot (literally "we're cuter because we're mixed race"). It's just another weird form of racism, everyone please stop. Anyway, to the best of your ability, please just ignore your parents. Your family is great. How wonderful for your kids to be able to easily connect to the culture of both of their parents and grandparents, and obviously it's worked out well for your marriage. It's totally normal to marry in race and is no less "interesting" or beneficial than any other marriage. |
Anonymous
I find the praise for white-Asian mixed kids especially problematic because there's so much colorism and intra-ethnicity racism that comes out this way. Praise for mixed kids appearance often feels like praise for having light skin or more caucasian-looking eyes and it just gives me the ick. |
Anonymous
| This is so weird that I'd tell my parents that if they wanted mixed kids and find them cuter than what they are themselves, they should have married outside of their race themselves. My mom likes to complain that I have an only. Well, she had 2. So if she wanted more grandkids, she should have had more kids herself. Old people get weird and out of touch with reality. |
Anonymous
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Many people have a bias towards white people, whether it be explicit or implicit.
Sorry OP. I do get it in a way; my parents recently have alluded to the fact that my DH should earn more even though this was never mentioned before. |
Anonymous
| Eh I'm the white girl in an interracial marriage and I think most non-white ILs would prefer someone of their same culture. Sure, mixed babies are usually cute, but there is so much shared history/language/culture that I just don't share with them. They definitely prefer my BIL's wife who is the same race/culture as them. |
Anonymous
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Try not to take it to heart. My white mother's family was thrown into chaos when she had a child (me) with an east Asian man (my father). Some relatives didn't see her for years, and all kinds of remarks were made, all of them offensive, only some of which were well-intended. My white grandmother remarked to me when I was 12 that races should never intermarry. That was nice.
Everyone was disappointed when I married an east Asian - even my father, because my husband isn't from the same Asian country. He's from a poorer country, so big no-no. The fact my husband is multiples times wealthier than my father is just adding insult to injury. SO... all this to say, OP. Don't take it to heart. Racism is alive and well, and your job is to steer you and your kids through it as best as you can. |
Anonymous
| What’s with these terrible comments? Ask them haven’t they noticed you two are MARRIED and it’s too late for a 1/2 whatever baby. |