We're paying big $$$ for private college but our daughter is with public university friends every weekend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went to Michigan and spent tons of time at Eastern Michigan. Ann Arbor is close to Ypsilanti. Also went to central, western, and state on weekends. My friends came to visit me. Michigan was more expensive, but I received a great education. I had no desire to transfer, but I didn’t care for many of the students - too liberal, east coast, snobby.

It all worked out well. I’m still close with my high school friends. Michigan still opens doors and is respected. I didn’t need friends from there to have a successful career after graduation. The extra money for Michigan was worth it.

I’m glad to hear that you are still friends with your HS friends. I’m in my 50s, all of my friends from elementary school and a few from HS are still my friends. Nobody from college though. I had fun, but the friendships didn’t last a few years post graduation.

why do you think that is? I'm just curious.

I stayed in touch with friends from pretty much all stages of my life over the years. Emails and social media help, of course. Do you think you were just a couple years too early for that? I'm in my later 40s.

I think that is part of it. I graduated college in 1990 , kept in touch and visited my college a few times but never connected with them via social media afterwards. I was a transfer student from CC, so was away only two years.
When I went to CC, a few of my elementary school friends went also. We all became friends w other students there at the CC and our circle widened. Still friends with those “friends of friends” today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went to Michigan and spent tons of time at Eastern Michigan. Ann Arbor is close to Ypsilanti. Also went to central, western, and state on weekends. My friends came to visit me. Michigan was more expensive, but I received a great education. I had no desire to transfer, but I didn’t care for many of the students - too liberal, east coast, snobby.

It all worked out well. I’m still close with my high school friends. Michigan still opens doors and is respected. I didn’t need friends from there to have a successful career after graduation. The extra money for Michigan was worth it.

I’m glad to hear that you are still friends with your HS friends. I’m in my 50s, all of my friends from elementary school and a few from HS are still my friends. Nobody from college though. I had fun, but the friendships didn’t last a few years post graduation.

why do you think that is? I'm just curious.

I stayed in touch with friends from pretty much all stages of my life over the years. Emails and social media help, of course. Do you think you were just a couple years too early for that? I'm in my later 40s.

I think that is part of it. I graduated college in 1990 , kept in touch and visited my college a few times but never connected with them via social media afterwards. I was a transfer student from CC, so was away only two years.
When I went to CC, a few of my elementary school friends went also. We all became friends w other students there at the CC and our circle widened. Still friends with those “friends of friends” today.

So you are basically "still friends today with your freshman friends group from college". The OP kid could be as well, if they ever make an effort on campus to make friends. I wouldn't be thrilled paying a ton extra for my kid to attend a university if the kid really seems happier at the local state U with all their HS friends. Why not just let them transfer and save the $$$?

It's not about elite vs state, it's about paying more money when your kid appears they would be happier at the less costly school

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went to Michigan and spent tons of time at Eastern Michigan. Ann Arbor is close to Ypsilanti. Also went to central, western, and state on weekends. My friends came to visit me. Michigan was more expensive, but I received a great education. I had no desire to transfer, but I didn’t care for many of the students - too liberal, east coast, snobby.

It all worked out well. I’m still close with my high school friends. Michigan still opens doors and is respected. I didn’t need friends from there to have a successful career after graduation. The extra money for Michigan was worth it.

I’m glad to hear that you are still friends with your HS friends. I’m in my 50s, all of my friends from elementary school and a few from HS are still my friends. Nobody from college though. I had fun, but the friendships didn’t last a few years post graduation.

Nobody loses high school friends anymore thanks to iPhones, group chats, FaceTime, and social media. So unfortunately, kids don’t out themselves out there as much anymore when they move somewhere new. They always have the crutch of high school friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Settle down, helicopter mom. She's a big girl now. You don't get to dictate her social life.

Sounds like the dad.."talks to her mom?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would this bother you as a parent? We're certainly not rich, it was somewhat of a stretch for us to afford a private college. (No debt.) She begged us and we made it happen. Well, a handful of her best high school friends landed at a large public university about 30 minutes away. She talks to or texts her mother on a daily basis and it seems every other day she's headed to and returning from the public university her friends are at. We're not worried about her grades, she's a great student, but I'm concerned she's not dedicating herself to the private college and classmates there. She claims she loves her college. I can't help but feel like what is the point of wasting 3x more for the private if she's itching to be at the cheap public all the time.

What kind of school did she go to in high school? If she’s at a very wealthy private school she may not fit in culturally as kids with a lot of money have a certain culture and upbringing and maybe she feels more comfortable with the other kids at least right now. Just be happy she has some friends in the area and she’s not all alone.

[Anonymous]

Long-term friends who have known you your whole life are an incredible blessing. I don't have them -- but my DH does. Many from hs, and some who even knew him when they were toddlers. He has some college friends still as well, but they are not the lifetime best friends like his hs friends are. Let her navigate her own social life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Long-term friends who have known you your whole life are an incredible blessing. I don't have them -- but my DH does. Many from hs, and some who even knew him when they were toddlers. He has some college friends still as well, but they are not the lifetime best friends like his hs friends are. Let her navigate her own social life.

Very true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Was the point of paying for the private college for her to make friends or to get the education that's offered there?

This ^^

It sounds like she's doing great in school.

I feel like you are saying that you sent her to private to rub elbows with a different class of friends? Don't worry about her social life if it has no impact on her education.

And - how do you know she isn't bringing along private college friends when visiting the public college? Maybe the public college has more fun things to do (or better parties). I think it's great she's taking initiative to get out. Maybe they are coming to her school too. It's not a limiting outcome...in fact....it makes her world larger (and theirs too)?

I went to college in Boston - I had friends at a variety of schools and we would go to events at those schools and friends at other schools would come to mine. It didn't mean that I wasn't meeting friends at my school - it meant I was meeting friends at my school and hanging out with friends from other schools - like I said above - our world's were larger. I am still friends with people from those other schools.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get the criticisms here, but I also understand the frustration. And for me, it wouldn’t necessarily be a prestige/association thing. If she would rather be at the public that is cheaper, I’d much rather be paying the public price. End of story.

What people are missing here is that just because she wants to socially hang out at the public school - that doesn't mean she doesn't have a strong preference for the smaller classes and teacher access of the private school. That's what you are paying for at the private...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get the criticisms here, but I also understand the frustration. And for me, it wouldn’t necessarily be a prestige/association thing. If she would rather be at the public that is cheaper, I’d much rather be paying the public price. End of story.

What people are missing here is that just because she wants to socially hang out at the public school - that doesn't mean she doesn't have a strong preference for the smaller classes and teacher access of the private school. That's what you are paying for at the private...

Which is why I would probably be trying to get this answer out of my child.

We absolutely picked a private over a public for these types of reasons. That said, the private is nowhere near home and none of my child’s friends from home are closeby.

[Anonymous]

Has the OP responded?

[Anonymous]

Craft a well-thought out letter to her private school and ask for a refund.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's been 2 months. She'll build her friend base at her own school soon enough.

Update:

She’s still going to the public university every other weekend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went to Michigan and spent tons of time at Eastern Michigan. Ann Arbor is close to Ypsilanti. Also went to central, western, and state on weekends. My friends came to visit me. Michigan was more expensive, but I received a great education. I had no desire to transfer, but I didn’t care for many of the students - too liberal, east coast, snobby.

It all worked out well. I’m still close with my high school friends. Michigan still opens doors and is respected. I didn’t need friends from there to have a successful career after graduation. The extra money for Michigan was worth it.

I’m glad to hear that you are still friends with your HS friends. I’m in my 50s, all of my friends from elementary school and a few from HS are still my friends. Nobody from college though. I had fun, but the friendships didn’t last a few years post graduation.

Nobody loses high school friends anymore thanks to iPhones, group chats, FaceTime, and social media. So unfortunately, kids don’t put themselves out there as much anymore when they move somewhere new. They always have the crutch of high school friends.

That’s what it seems like. It’s much easier to default to the old high school friends than work hard and form new bonds with new friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's been 2 months. She'll build her friend base at her own school soon enough.

Update:

She’s still going to the public university every other weekend.

You aren’t paying for the social life, you’re paying for the academics. Is she going to class? Does she like the school? Is she doing reasonably well as she transitions to college demands? If so, who cares if her social life is elsewhere twice a month. I took the train up from PA to visit my boyfriend in NYC every 2-3 weeks and still had a social life at my SLAC too.