Has anyone else's life and marriage imploded after having a baby? Is this normal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

To answer some previous poster questions: we do not have a joint account and keep our money separate. This may be a problem as it causes us to have "my money" and "your money" attitudes... it's more a problem on my end since I pay for most of the household expenses since I make double what he makes. We are both attendings, not residents. He is in a lower paying field than I am. I do get annoyed that I pay for all child care expenses, like day care, formula, diapers, etc. I think he has bought diapers and formula once or twice.

OP, this is a problem. You guys need to figure out together what your view on $ is - is it joint, or separate? This had nothing to do with where the $ is kept; DH and I have separate accts because I dont trust him to balance the checkbook and that would make me batty, but we both view it as joint $ and dont track who pays for what, as long as we're generally in agreement about spending. If it is his/hers, then you get to spend yours how you like, he spends his how he likes, and you share necessary expenses (which include some level of savings). If it is joint money, then you both have a say in how it is spent, and you have to come up with common goals and negotiate. You seem to have the worst of both worlds - you make more and he controls how it is spent.

[Anonymous]

No one ever knows how hard it all is until they have children AND no one really talks about it with friends or family because they want to put on a brave face and act like everything is OK.

If I knew then what I know now, I'm not sure I would have had kids. I love them with all my heart, but it is HARD work raising kids and the reality is that women do most of the grunt work.

Before kids, my husband and I were equal partners in our relationship and could focus quality time and attention on each other. Now, we're mostly irritated with each other and exhausted.

I'm hoping that it gets easier as the kids get older, but I think a lot of damage has already been done.

[Anonymous]

This is sort of out of left field, but if you're considering moving, UVA seems to be hiring TONS of doctors. I'm not a doctor, and I obv have no idea what your specialties are, so maybe it's not compatible, but I thought I'd mention it. Cville is quite a bit cheaper than DC and so lovely. I've been stalking the UVA job boards (jobs@uva) and told DH the other day "I should have gone to medical school" (b/c obv it's just that easy .

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm the poster who said earlier to throw money at the problem now and concentrate on savings when your son is older. I just wanted to say one more thing based on your response: you are worried about your child's savings because your parents didn't save for you. But that seems like you are mortgaging your current happiness because of a fear of something that is 20+ years away, and also that is not the end of the world (I know, I know, ideally your son would get a debt-free education--but I think having a mama who is not going insane counts for a little more than that, at least now).

I wish I could be there to cheerlead you right before your conversation with your husband, but I'll do my best right now, virtually: just lay it out as starkly as it is, and that is, you need to spend this money or get divorced. His choice: his (and it's not really his, is is?) money, or his marriage.

Good luck, OP. I'm rooting for you!

[Anonymous]

Two physician household here as well. We both work part-time (3 days for me, 4 days for him), which makes a huge difference. We obviously don't make as much as we would if we worked 5 days a week, but it keeps up sane and lets us spend time with our 2 kids. We also get home at a reasonable hour to eat dinner together and then get the kids to bed. Sometime patient notes are done after the kids' bedtime. DH does equal (or more?) amount of work in regards in housework and childcare so there's no resentment there.
Like others have mentioned, outsourcing helps a lot. We have someone clean, cook a little and do all the laundry once a week. Coming home to hot food and clean clothes in my closet is wonderful.
There are tradeoffs. We aren't saving that much money especially since school loans for both of us combined are >$350,000 and we have a mortgage to pay on our townhouse. With one kid, it was busy. With 2 little kids, it's even more hectic trying to get things ready for the next day and then one of us being on call certain nights.
Best of luck to you.

[Anonymous]

I like that OP

His money or his marriage, like that.

You guys really need to get to a competent counselor, there is way too much weird stuff going on here, especially around money and you don't see if but your DH is super controlling. That will be way worse for a kid to grow up with than no free college.

So he'd be out more money if you divorce because then he'd be paying support where now he is paying none, right? That should get his attention. You both seem to have a lot of emotion tied up with money and that is totally constraining your life choices right now.

Have to say OP, this guy doesn't sound like a keeper. If you split you could have a live in nanny or au pair and just work and enjoy your baby.

[Anonymous]

OP, I agree putting $$ to outsourcing these issues is a good idea and not a waste to save sanity. Please consider counseling. I don't often say that here, but I really mean it because getting a housekeeper or nanny isn't going to solve the (perhaps rightfully so) bitterness you feel right now.

You have a young child you are clearly thinking of, and a happy marriage will go a lot further than a clean house.

[Anonymous]

Hi -

Two physician household here with two toddlers. My family is much like yours...even though I am more trained than he is, the ultimate responsibility of the house, children and him ultimately fall on me. However, my husband has stepped it up once we sat down and really hashed it out - I was brutally honest about my building resentment and frustration. Marriage still is a lot of work, but here are some things I do:

1) cleaning lady every week. like you, my husband did not care if the house was clean, but it annoyed me to no end. this was non-negotiable.

2) either get a washer and dryer or outsource your laundry.

3) make a menu and prepare meals on the weekend. My husband has agreed to be responsible for one meal (the main dish only - although I still have to help, it is a start). Do your grocery shopping on the weekend or get grocery delivered. If you don't have time tocook, you could find a college student or someone similar to help you out - do your shop and make some simple meals. We also use our crockpot a lot. We eat out Friday night.

4) NANNY. she is responsible for their laundry, bottles, dishes. We pay for it, but we save other places. She makes them lunch (but I prepare everythig before work). This is ESSENTIAL. I would go nuts if I had to deal with daycare.

5) we still save a lot (max retirement conributions) and mutual funds etc. WE go out to eat less, have less fancy cars, smaller house, and less expensive clothes (but still nice).


It it is really hard. I too am in a stressful field with lots of sick patients. Just know that you are not alone and you will get through this. The key is outsourcing, planning and organization. It is OK to entertain thoughts of wanting to clobber your husband on a regular basis! Just remember what a good guy her is and a great father and it will be OK.

[Anonymous]

Re: finances.

My DH and I have a joint checking account. Joint expenses - childcare, mortgage, food, utilities, etc. - come out of this account. Based on our salaries (which differ greatly), we each put in to this account a percentage of our paycheck. We also do the same with savings and pledge to maintain savings at an increasing level every 6 months. The rest is personal spending money and is ours to do with what we want, no questions asked. It sounds like you need to have a joint account set up soon and have DH begin contributing. Formula, diapers, baby stuff and childcare ALL come out of this, not out of your check alone. That will reduce the stress. As it is now, it's like he's holding onto his pile of cash and saying, "Mine!" while criticizing and controlling how you spend yours. That doesn't seem right any way you look at it!

Good luck, OP. You have a whole virtual community here behind you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't say imploded but yes, this was THE most stressful period in my marriage. Until we figured out a "system" and worked out the kinks, we bickered ALOT.

Why not consider a nanny instead of daycare? No drop off/pick up, and the nanny can help with chores.

This is the answer!

[Anonymous]

Can I ask why you keep your finances separate? Was this a conscious decision that was discussed, or something you just fell into? Based just on your posts, it seems to be at the root of many of the problems you two are dealing with.

[Anonymous]

I think you need a nanny right away. Forget the daycare. A nanny should make life easier. There will be no drop off and pickup. If you need more than 40 hours a week, maybe you can find a second nanny. You should be able to afford a nanny with 2 incomes for doctors. Also agree with outsourcing as much as possible.

[Anonymous]

yes, yes yes a thousand times. I thought we were heading for divorce. Baby is 8 months now and its considerably better. Things improved when we got more sleep, when we got some perspective and were able to take a step back, and frankly, when we got a nanny. She probably saved our marriage. We are stretching probably beyond our means to have her but we have peace in our house now and we are just sucking it up. I know thats a luxury thats not always an option (we are really stretching but I know we are lucky we can even afford to stretch) but if you can, its worth it. I had to talk my husband out of daycare to do it (he was also worried about money) and now we agree it was the right move. I admire people who are doing it with no help. I feel like a wimp that we need someone else to help run our lives when most people do it alone. But we both work at least 10 hrs a day plus when we are home at night and it would be impossible otherwisee.

the other thing that helped us was just some time passing. Somewhere around the 6 month mark I was able to take a step back and remember what life used to be like and appreciate what we had again. Not sure what made us able to do that but getting sleep helped.

Thanks for posting this. Its nice to know we are not alone in this!

[Anonymous]

My DH and I have a joint checking account. Joint expenses - childcare, mortgage, food, utilities, etc. - come out of this account. Based on our salaries (which differ greatly), we each put in to this account a percentage of our paycheck. We also do the same with savings and pledge to maintain savings at an increasing level every 6 months. The rest is personal spending money and is ours to do with what we want, no questions asked. It sounds like you need to have a joint account set up soon and have DH begin contributing. Formula, diapers, baby stuff and childcare ALL come out of this, not out of your check alone. That will reduce the stress. As it is now, it's like he's holding onto his pile of cash and saying, "Mine!" while criticizing and controlling how you spend yours. That doesn't seem right any way you look at it!

We do a version of this. Basically, we've sat down and figured out how much of our monthly net take-home pay goes to joint expenses, i.e. bills, childcare, groceries, savings, travel, eating out, you name it. We put that amount in our joint savings account each month. The rest we get as discretionary spending for ourselves. It may take a little tweaking the first few months, but we got it down pat pretty quickly. We both have a check card that is attached to the joint account. If we use it for something that isn't necessarily a "joint" expense (i.e. one of us needs gas and is out of discretionary money), we check with the other first before using it.

I do think that one of the problems here is that you haven't established a joint account. You're getting all caught up in "well I paid for this" and "he doesn't pay for that" which is easy to ignore when you don't have children but can be nuclear when you do.

[Anonymous]

We don't have a joint bank account (although our names are on each others' accounts so we can access them if necessary), but we allocate expenses. DH makes about 40% more than me so he pays for all household expenses (mortgage, utilities, cable, etc.). I pay for day care, weekend babysitters, groceries, gas, and other misc. costs like gifts, restaurants, etc. Each set of costs represents an equivalent portion of our incomes so we each have about the same disretionary income.

This has worked fine for us for 10 years, but then again we are on the same page with spending, saving, etc.

OP, I didn't grow up with alot of money either, like your DH. That shouldn't be an excuse for his behavior. I did without alot of things as a child, and that makes me even more appreciative of that fact that I now have the resources to pay for things that will make my life easier.