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Has anyone else's life and marriage imploded after having a baby? Is this normal?
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Anonymous
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Didn't read all the posts but i would agree with all those who say get MORE help and make it non-negotiatable. I too have a husband who likes to do things the cheapest way possible but you can tell him that this way is simply not possible. but the way i put the daycare-nanny question was that it was a nanny or me staying home or working part time. in that case, the cheapest way possible was a nanny. (who, in our case, cleans and keeps house, laundry baby all humming along and enables us to have her on a schedule where we get to play with her more and do chores less. we aren't running around at night getting bottles together and drop off-pick up etc sounds exhausting). If i could truly not afford a nanny, i would do a share with at least half time in my house. the other thing we have nanny do is feed dd all three meals, give her baths, clip nails etc. so all we do is play with her and enjoy her. and even with two very full time jobs, we feel we get tons of high quality time with her as a result. it cuts on our savings yes, but i think it is simply the cost of me working and all of us remaining sane during these years.
My husband and i used to split expenses before we were married and it drove me crazy. - i paid this dinner etc. If he were to want to do this now, i would insist on a joint account for house, day care, diapers, doctors etc. and we'd contribute relative percent of our salaries (which is my guess i make far more than 2x). if there was something i insisted on then, like a nanny, maybe i would pay the differential but more likely i'd make the point above about what is possible (and cost to him in joint account w me working part time). the thought of nickel and diming each other on diapers would make me into a crazy person and fast. the place we slack on is dinner. neither of us are foodies but whenever i read on this site about moms stressing to get hot dinner on table and don't have enough time with kids etc, i can't relate. meal services aside, there are plenty of good heat up options at places like trader joes. we don;t cook during the week - period. if you asked my husband, he'd likely grumble about the cost of the nanny and for sure say he'd pick day care if it was him, but he'd agree that he's pleasantly surprised by how easy and enjoyable the first two years w a baby have been and how surprisingly easy it has been on our marriage (he does half of remaining housework, bills etc). maybe one day he'll even make the connection btwn that and the $$ we've spent. |
Anonymous
Not to be harsh, but if your mortgage is his salary and part of yours + day care, you are living way above your means and changing your housing situation is probably a solution in less you need to live there for a specific reason. That's just way to much money so I could understand his concern about hiring out/nanny and other luxury's if money is that tight. |
Anonymous
I don't think she is saying that the mortgage takes up all of his salary. Am I misunderstanding? |
Anonymous
She didn't say that. She said that we could never afford our mortgage on his salary and half of mine, meaning, if her salary were cut in half by her going part-time, they would not be able to swing the mortgage on their combined salaries. |
Anonymous
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OP, Are you in DC? Sounds like you bought at the top of the market? If your mortgage is all of DH salary and 1/2 of yours how do you have such aggressive savings goals? Is a refi possible?
If you do split, there is presumptive 50/50 in DC but I don't think that your DH would go for it. Child support is based on how much time the child spends in each home. |
Anonymous
She didn't say that. She said that "/b]we could never afford our mortgage on his salary and half of mine[/b]," meaning, if her salary were cut in half by her going part-time, they would not be able to swing the mortgage on their combined salaries. She didn't say the mortage is equal to all of her DH's salary and half of hers. |
Anonymous
I would say this is also true for us . . . AND yet . . . there were difficult times along the way, too. For us it really wasn't an either/or thing. It was both. Having a child together definitely made our lives more challenging and put pressure on our marriage. And it also brought us even closer together. For us, it took about six months to truly internalize the fact that life had changed. A lot of the frustrations were about time and expectations. We eventually realized that's our lives had just been so easy before kids -- we never had to choose between competing commitments as we always had more than enough time for work, each other, and our own interests, hobbies and friends. But having a baby changed all that, in a big way. Time became very tight and we both somewhat resented it until we adjusted. Here's what helped us get through it as a team. No blame, just solutions. No keeping score about who's doing more. No judgment or micromanaging of each other's tasks and contributions. And for me, personally -- a very concious reminder to myself that, "I love this man!" Seriously. He's my special person and I'm obscenely lucky to have him as my DH. Even so, I had to remind myself of this quite consciously at times the first six months or so. I was sleep-deprived, hormonal, and just plain stressed about adjusting to the new demands. So a little reminderof how much I love DH really helped me. 
My best advice is to put your marriage first. That may mean hiring a babysitter and going out on your own. Or it may just an staying in and having sex. (FWIW, that's REALLY important to us. When sex falls off, we find ourselves bickering a bit. But when we make time for sex, we truly support each other more as parents. It works every time!) Overall, aim high. If your goal is to get through this stage together and come out the other side even stronger, you may well achieve that. I know we have. I love and trust DH on an even deeper level than ever before. It just took some effort and patience along the way. |
Anonymous
But I think she is saying that with their very aggessive savings goals intact. That is what needs to change during these early years. |
Anonymous
| I can't imagine having a really expensive mortgage and no washer/dryer in my unit. OMG. Can you look into getting a place that has laundry included in your house or condo? Imagine the effect that just that change would have. |
Anonymous
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Why are you all nit-picking this woman's mortgage? That's really irrelevant. This post is primarily about a husband that won't do his share. I'm one of the PPs (said OP's DH has selfish asshole disorder) who picked on the husband, and rightfully so. Some people have some good tips for how OP can convince her husband to step up more. OP, I do think you're letting him get away with too much. All this stuff about how he'd "never go for" this or that. There are two people with a vote in your house. Who elected him president? You really do need to rethink the way you make decisions in your house. I keep feeling like he's acting like a bossy father and not a husband. BTW, I don't mean to make you feel worse, I really don't. But I think if you start to stand up for yourself and assert yourself more, he will absolutely HAVE to take notice.
OP -- how are you? Still checking in? |
Anonymous
| I didn't read all the responses, but I think it's just hard in the beginning (first few months til maybe even 6-7 months) to get adjusted. I would not think about divorce now if you had a happy foundation - just think about how to get adjusted..it sounds like you might want to farm out tasks to others. Think about a nanny. Get a housekeeper in all day 2-3 times a week that will also run errands. They can do all the laundry, change the sheets, clean, go grocery shopping, etc. That way even if you want to keep your child in daycare everything at home is all set up. It would be really great if you could afford to have the nanny plus the housekeeper/errand runner. I put this out there because you both are doctors, but I know you may have constraints with your mortgage. I think it would be worth it to hire people and pinch in other aspects. |
Anonymous
| I'm also someone who fantasizes about an early death and the 1.5M payout. Sort of like winning the lottery twice, glad I am not alone. |
Anonymous
Oh man, me too. Just ran the numbers again and no way to leave DH with the expenses of our SN child. Back to daydreaming about errant metro buses. |
Anonymous
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Gasp -- me too! Sadly, we don't have that large a prospective payout, but the insurance would make enough of a dent in our mortgage to keep me in the house on my nonprofit salary. Don't you all think we're sick to be so calculating about it?
I also divide the property in my head sometimes but more often default to the "easier" death fantasy. How messed up is it to think this way?? |
Anonymous
Yes, I think you are sick to be calculating about it. Yes, I think it is messed up. (Since you asked....) |