Has anyone else's life and marriage imploded after having a baby? Is this normal?

[Anonymous]

OP - my husband sounds a lot like yours: overeducated, vaguely helpless about anything to do with house/cooking, and very frugal. We had a few rough moments after our first child was born and I was at home, but the worst came in the past year after our second child came along. Top piece of advice to you - don't have #2 unless you

I'm with all the outsourcers who've posted already. My husband and I fought all the time about mowing the lawn; he'd never manage to get around to it, and it was hard for me to do it since I usually one or both of the kids around. I seriously contemplated divorcing him over the issue. A month or two ago he went out and found a lawn service, and do you know what it cost - $50 for mowing twice a month. I can't believe we fought so long and hard over something this inexpensive to outsource! (Now I have to find a way to do the same for all the fall yardwork!)

One counterpoint: a nanny can be a great thing, especially when you have a baby. But it does entail work - you have to manage an employee on a daily basis, which I didn't enjoy or do well. For us daycare has proven to be a less stressful option, now that we're settled in.

BTW, thanks for the link to Urban Tastes. Can anyone else post any info about meal preparation services (not the ones where you fill your own freezer, which I already know about)?

[Anonymous]

Agree with PP. Your husband is acting like an asshole. You make more money than he does; he doesn't get to veto decisions like a nanny, weekly cleaner etc.

I also wouldn't worry about saving for college for the next couple of years. Preserving your sanity, and if possible, your marriage, will be much more important to your child's future.

[Anonymous]

OP - get a babysitter, tonight if you can, and go out to dinner with your DH. Somewhere that's cozy and you can linger. It does get better - a PP who mentioned getting into your rhythm was right I think. I have come to realize how lucky I am that I have a DH who just naturally does a tremendous amount around our house and for our kids. So we've never had issues with stuff like that. But going back to work is HARD. Also I would not discount PPD. It has nothing to do with breastfeeding. I know you're a MD, but talk to your OB! And yeah, outsource as much as possible. And your DH is going to have to give some too and loosen up the reins on the spending. Might help him to know that a divorce and maintaining 2 separate households would be way more expensive than a weekly cleaning service and a nanny. And a washer/dryer IN your home - Good Lord, woman, I have no idea how you've made it this long...lol!! Hugs to you. You will get through this. It won't always be this hard, I promise.

[Anonymous]

Another poster here with an overeducated but helpless husband. I LITERALLY had to teach him how to make soup from a can. The one thing I have found that makes him step up is to refuse to do his laundry. He doesn't know how, and it's not like a messy kitchen that he can just ignore.

The other thing I have worked on is trying not to snap at him so much. Frankly, I think the fact that I (we?) snap so much is that our levels of stress are constantly at the boiling point, but I digress. It doesn't really help things, and if I'm in a bad mood, DH gets mad. So I just take a deep breath and refrain. I also try to thank him for anything and everything he does. He actually has stepped up a LOT since the baby was born, so I'm not complaining, but these were things that seemed to help it along. I don't think I've withheld laundry services from him in months.

[Anonymous]

Another meal service: http://www.theservingspoon.com

[Anonymous]

Try this bent: Tell him that you are so exchausted, that you cannot focus AT WORK. That all of this load on you is negatively impacting your PATIENT CARE. Give him concrete examples (think of some, make some up, it doesn't matter). Him where the bread is buttered. Two points: 1) as a phsyician, he'll get it. and 2) as the primary breadwinner, he is going to realize that you need to keep doing well at work, and somethings will have to change to make that happen.

This is the tact that I took, and it worked perfectly, it was a conversation that felt like one colleague to another, confiding in my husband that my work is suffering, and I was concerned about long-term promotabiliy, and what that would do to our bigger picture finances. Well, worked like a charm and things changed the next day.

Becoming sexually atracted again to someone you had to manipualte is another story altogether...but one bridge at a time, one bridge at a time...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all of the responses. It's good to know I'm not alone, but also hard to hear that things may still be rough a year from now. I've sat down with my husband a few times to try to talk to him, and he HAS stepped up a bit. He has been cooking a couple of times a week and cleaning up occasionally, but he still leaves most of the household tasks and a lot of the childcare to me. I think hammering out a schedule and a weekly list of everything that needs to get done will be helpful. I just feel so resentful a lot of the time. To answer one of the PP's questions, yes, I do make more money than he does, and I feel animosity towards him b/c of it. I never did before the baby was born, but now that the baby is here, it annoys me that I pay for all of the daycare and baby costs and he doesn't pay for anything. I would LOVE to cut back on my work hours, and I was actually offered a PT job while I was on maternity leave -- PT jobs in my field of medicine are VERY hard to come by. My husband and I had a huge fight over this b/c it would have been really rough financially for me to take such a big pay cut. He was NOT happy with the idea so I let it go. As it is we don't have much money to enjoy, after all of the childcare costs, retirement savings, college savings, etc. I think taking a 50% pay cut would have just caused stress and fights in another area.

I like all of the ideas for outsourcing. I have a cleaner that comes twice a month but I am going to change it to once a week. DH is adamantly against it; he thinks it's a waste of money, but I don't. I am also going to look into outsourcing laundry. (We live in a condo and don't have a washer/dryer in our apt -- which means I cart ten loads of laundry downstairs by myself.) I feel like my husband thinks outsourcing is a waste because he doesn't care if the house is clean or not. I hate coming home to a messy house and I literally don't even want to go home after work on some days because I don't want to face the mess.

A nanny (who could help with some household chores and would eliminate the need for day care drop-offs/pick ups) would be ideal -- I hadn't thought of this as an option due to the expense; I just don't think DH would go for it b/c it would take $$ away from our retirement/college/new home savings. He is very frugal and doesn't want to "waste" a dime if there are alternatives. Our daycare costs are VERY low and a nanny would probably cost 3x what we pay for daycare.

I am just scared that all of my animosity and bitterness will be permanent. I used to get irritated at my husband occasionally before (YES, he was always like this and YES, he lived in filth and hunger before we got married). I never expected him to change; I knew what he was like when we got married -- I just didn't know how stressful things would get with another person (my adorable little boy) depending on me and needing me 24/7. People said it would be hard, but I had no idea. I seriously do not even remember the happy times anymore. Those memories are just a fog. I feel like the two of us don't even like each other anymore. We never even talk or hang out. My life is just a series of constant chores and stress. Hopefully outsourcing more and trying to be more organized will help... I am feeling pretty beaten down though.

OP, if you aren't pooling your money and you aren't working as a team and he is bullying you into giving up help, reducing your schedule for the early years, etc, then I think that you might really be better off considering a trial separation. You'd have one less person to think of and if you get a nanny you will be so much more supported than you are now. I think the fact that YOU "pay" for the baby is really freakin odd. I agree that he is controlling you with his helplessness and cheapness and chalking up your legitimate distress to "women's hormones" it is outrageous. I hope to hell he is NOT my doctor. All marriages go through an adjustment, you might really want to get into counselling OP, walking out is one of the only ways that he gives you any say at all. Sad.

[Anonymous]

So the costs are all on you but the remainder of your money is for you both to enjoy? OP you have struck some really bad and fundamental bargains here. Your husband does not treat you as an equal or as a partner, you are the mommy to both of your boys until he pulls rank and becomes unilaterally deciding dad to you. And supervisor of servant.
Yuck. We live in an apartment too and my DH does all of the laundry. Do you have an elevator? He got a little folding cart and he wheels it up and down. He does a lot of kid related stuff and he makes dinner or cleans up every night. We still fight and I am still exhausted. No idea how you are still standing. Why did you give him veto power over your career? Your money? Why isn't money pooled? Honestly I agree that in your case there is not so much to save. Now that you have a real baby, shouldn't the big one grow up?

[Anonymous]

OP, does your husband recognize how bad things really are for you? If he did, I hope he would also recognize that hiring a nanny (and implementing various other suggestions pps have made that do cost money) is an investment in keeping you happy and in your marriage--and there's not much that's more important than that. Yes, maybe it means putting off your financial goals by a couple years, but that's ok. You're drowning now, you need to make changes now. Your retirement/college fund/house fund can wait a year or two.

If you haven't been brutally honest with your husband about the toll all this is taking on you, do that. Write him a letter if you have to. Be specific about all the chores you are taking on, how overwhelmed you are feeling. This is not about PPD (whether you're afflicted it by it or not, there's a whole lot more going on here). Tell him you're thinking you want a divorce because you just don't know what else to do. Maybe that will wake him up.

I also urge you to consider couples counseling. I know you both feel like you don't have the time for this, but do what you can to make it happen, it sounds like having that time and space could really help you both.

[Anonymous]

Seems like a "fair weather" marriage. Was there a
pre-nup?

[Anonymous]

OP, I am shocked by your post, having always thought doctors floated above the rest of us. My advice: hire, hire, hire. After work both of you should be doing only three things -- caring for baby, managing your money, relaxing together.

[Anonymous]

Are you guys doctors or residents? I dont get why you are so tight on cash. Or does he just want more for himself later?

[Anonymous]

After realizing that our yard was always going to have a pumpking standing until summer, and it was all my husband could do was to mow the grass when it was really high, I just unilaterally hired a lawn service. When I was tired of asking him, and me, to use our limited free time to clean the house (and I am a neat freak), I hired a cleaning service. I am certainly not a spoiled brat, but I work hard and am exhausted. These expenses come out of my paycheck, and I don't have to worry about my husband vetoing them. He just doesn't have a choice. I brown bag my lunch, and scrimp on other areas in my life. But, it has made our worlds so much better and my husband knows how hard I work, and that he has no right to veto how to spend my discretionary income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After realizing that our yard was always going to have a pumpking standing until summer, and it was all my husband could do was to mow the grass when it was really high, I just unilaterally hired a lawn service. When I was tired of asking him, and me, to use our limited free time to clean the house (and I am a neat freak), I hired a cleaning service. I am certainly not a spoiled brat, but I work hard and am exhausted. These expenses come out of my paycheck, and I don't have to worry about my husband vetoing them. He just doesn't have a choice. I brown bag my lunch, and scrimp on other areas in my life. But, it has made our worlds so much better and my husband knows how hard I work, and that he has no right to veto how to spend my discretionary income.

But doesn't it piss you off that you are paying for chores that your husband should be doing out of your discretionary money?

I would be livid if we had separate accounts and my DH were trying to get off easy.

[Anonymous]

I am the PP. I don't think they are necessarily "his" chores. I hate cutting the grass and cleaning just as much as he does. Itj just bothers me more than it does him when it is not done. It would piss me off if he weren't contributing financially to the general household and well-being, but I would say it is pretty equal. He just likes to save (which also helps us out in the long-term) whereas I would rather use some money in an affordable way that makes my own quality of life better.