Has anyone else's life and marriage imploded after having a baby? Is this normal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

DH is adamantly against it; he thinks it's a waste of money, but I don't. I am also going to look into outsourcing laundry. (We live in a condo and don't have a washer/dryer in our apt -- which means I cart ten loads of laundry downstairs by myself.) I feel like my husband thinks outsourcing is a waste because he doesn't care if the house is clean or not. I hate coming home to a messy house and I literally don't even want to go home after work on some days because I don't want to face the mess.

A nanny (who could help with some household chores and would eliminate the need for day care drop-offs/pick ups) would be ideal -- I hadn't thought of this as an option due to the expense; I just don't think DH would go for it b/c it would take $$ away from our retirement/college/new home savings. He is very frugal and doesn't want to "waste" a dime if there are alternatives. Our daycare costs are VERY low and a nanny would probably cost 3x what we pay for daycare.

I agree wholeheartedly with your idea to outsource cleaning and laundry. Because your husband would prefer to live in a barn doesn't mean you have to. If your husband complains, tell him it's an investment in your marriage and your personal well-being and leave it at that. If he doesn't like it, he can go out and make some more money. I agree with the PP, I CANNOT believe you are hauling fricking laundry up and down the stairs on top of everything else. Tell your DH to man the hell up and at least carry the stuff down and up the stairs. And I mean that.

Another thing. We spoke with a financial planner who recommended that we not kill ourselves to put away money for college in these early years. Once you get your baby out of daycare and the day-to-day expenses go down, then you can max out your contributions to your kid's college fund to get back to where you want to be. But right now is the time to be focusing on your retirement and your new house fund. College can wait. I know it sounds counterintuitive, but that may be where you can find some extra cash to de-stress your life and your marriage.

This is right, we got the same advice. We were told to take that money in the first year or two and put it toward a nanny, a night doula (we have twins), cleaning service, anything that would make us sane, happy parents.

Also, of course your husband thinks a cleaning service is a waste of money! *You* are his cleaning service. Why would he want to spend money on it when you do it for free? But it's killing you slowly so you need it. This poster is right on that as well, you need to invest in your marriage even if it means hiring help that he thinks is a waste. Maybe you can't afford a nanny just yet (although we have one--it makes sense with twins b/c daycare is just as $) but the mother's helper idea is a good one. Just someone who can help you pick up at the end of the day, put the kid to bed, whatever. Just for those couple of hours between daycare pick up and bed. Start putting yourself first a little bit more--what they say is true, if mama's not happy, ain't nobody happy!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gasp -- me too! Sadly, we don't have that large a prospective payout, but the insurance would make enough of a dent in our mortgage to keep me in the house on my nonprofit salary. Don't you all think we're sick to be so calculating about it?

I also divide the property in my head sometimes but more often default to the "easier" death fantasy. How messed up is it to think this way??

Yes, I think you are sick to be calculating about it.

Yes, I think it is messed up.

(Since you asked....)

Ditto.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I'm actually feeling much better... DH and I had a few long talks -- some of them exploded into fights, but ultimately, it got us communicating about the issues I've been having, and he agrees that we need to outsource everything and he is okay with that. And he even brought up putting less into the baby's college fund right now in order to pay for help. I was honestly shocked that he brought this up, because he is SO stingy and into saving $$. I also went to see a therapist to discuss how I've been feeling, and she was really helpful. Overall I am feeling more hope, but things are still tenuous. I guess I'll have to see if DH actually steps up and does the things he said he was going to. We've also tossed around the idea of moving back to the Midwest where we're from next year, after he finishes out his contract at work. That way we'll have family nearby, a lower cost of living, and I might be able to work part-time.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm so happy you guys were able to talk things through and get on the same page! That's great!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm actually feeling much better... DH and I had a few long talks -- some of them exploded into fights, but ultimately, it got us communicating about the issues I've been having, and he agrees that we need to outsource everything and he is okay with that. And he even brought up putting less into the baby's college fund right now in order to pay for help. I was honestly shocked that he brought this up, because he is SO stingy and into saving $$. I also went to see a therapist to discuss how I've been feeling, and she was really helpful. Overall I am feeling more hope, but things are still tenuous. I guess I'll have to see if DH actually steps up and does the things he said he was going to. We've also tossed around the idea of moving back to the Midwest where we're from next year, after he finishes out his contract at work. That way we'll have family nearby, a lower cost of living, and I might be able to work part-time.

Wonderful, OP. Any chance your hubs would also talk to your therapist? Tell him it's just like a tune-up for a car. A few hundred bucks in maintenance now to save him thousands in major repairs later...?

[Anonymous]

Good news, OP. Thanks for the update. Best to the 3 of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The ONLY thing that saved our marriage, was that we got a NANNY!! As my friends were getting new cars and going out, etc., I gave that up to get the nanny. We would be divorced today without her. My kids are now big and I cannot justify the nanny in the same way, but I wish I could. My husband won't do anything. He won't. I hate him for it, I could kill him. I would never have guessed this is how he would have behaved, but he did. Instead of strangling him, because he will not change (welcome to real mommyhood), get serious help.

Once the nanny did everything, we were all happy again. No stress. She cooked, cleaned and walked my oldest son to the bus. She also took the kids to doctor's appointments. Doing that stuff by yourself is completely overrated. The pediatrician told me that she loved my nanny.

When I would get home, all of my time went to really focusing on the kids and my husband. There was no cooking and laundry and fighting. There was a glass of wine and doing puzzles!

me too. now I have have two in private preschool AND a nanny and I want to cry when I look at the money going out each month. But, it's cheaper than a F'in divorce, I guess. Just barely!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow -- me too on the early death fantasy! Thought I was the only sicko in that camp! It just seems easier, less humiliating, and a safer financial bet. I feel guilty as hell even saying it here to a bunch of strangers, but it's the truth. DD is almost 1.

me too. It's horrible, I know. I am so ashamed of it, but it's true.
Also, my best friend and I talk all the time about wanting to punch our husbands in the face, really hard. She has debated doing it during the night and pretending she did it in her sleep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you guys doctors or residents? I dont get why you are so tight on cash. Or does he just want more for himself later?

Doctors are residents. Even if they're attendings, ever heard of med school costs?!
OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm glad you've gotten some helpful advice and realize you are not alone. I have to say though, what you describe is NOT the norm and it certainly doesn't have to feel the way it does now. Parenting is hard, no doubt. But it's a time for both mom AND dad to step it up and work as a team. I'm sorry.

You're rude. It was just a question and while school debt is a huge burden, i would think a two doctor household has it better than most of us.

I'm not rude. I'm honest. Two doctor household means double the school costs. Plus you have no idea what they practice, which makes a huge difference. Let alone all the years they did go without an income or BARELY an income before they were attendings (if they are.)
Signed,
-Married to a Doctor

I second that. And obviously a doctor household does not have it better- considering that one of the PPs said she is working part time at a nonprofit and her husband is a computer programmer doing 40 hr weeks and they pull in 250 K together! That appears much less stressful, much less debt, and many many less years of education and training where you earn nothing! PLEASE PEOPLE get it in your heads -once and for all- that doctors are humans often living in apartments and hauling laundry and not driving the latest Porsche! ...and I am APPALLED by the posts that are saying 'I hope he's not my doctor!' Why??? Unless you'd write also: 'I hope he's not my lawyer/financial advisor/real estate agent/etc' . Only then are you forgiven for making such statements that are wrong on so many levels...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree about previous poster regarding separate finances. It would have never occurred to my husband or me that our finances should be separate - regardless of who makes more. EVERY single penny we have is in joint accounts or investments which is just fine. We are partners for life and the money we make is ours to share.

Same here. But it wasn't always like this, we started out with everything separate, it was a gradual 'fusion' over our first year. Now everything is joint, and it's really better. Thinking about 'yours' or 'mine' as far as expenditures or savings seems off, and a hindrance, at best. Maybe you should try having an honest finance and 'pooling of resources' talk before you decide to move or make any other drastic changes. (but do get the help in some areas right away, as outlined in the many previous helpful responses)

[Anonymous]

All the money in the world is not worth me have such disgusting feelings about my husband.

I am glad my world doesn't revolve around money.

Re: I dream of my husband dying so I can get property and an insurance policy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All the money in the world is not worth me have such disgusting feelings about my husband.

I am glad my world doesn't revolve around money.

Re: I dream of my husband dying so I can get property and an insurance policy.

This. Some of these people talking to friends about hitting their husbands, wishing death on the husband, calculating what it would mean monetarily to your lifestyle. I may not walk in your shoes, but you put your own shoes on. Seriously, get some help or get out of the marriage. If you think your kids won't eventually pick up on this, you are kidding yourselves.

At least some of these women like OP recognized that things were going south, and are actively taking steps to make things better. If you've taken steps, and it's not better, have some pride, pick yourself up, and leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

You tell him the alternative to saving money is for him to start pitching in. I cannot believe you're carrying 10 loads of laundry up and down stairs. That's the least he can do. Immediately, begin a laundry service. Then show him that if he wants to save $X, he can start doing laundry. Or just do yours and your sons and he can do his own. Stop being a doormat. This man is taking too much advantage of you and you need to push back. You don't want to raise a son who thinks this apathetic, taking-advantage attitude is the norm for men. You need to raise a man who steps up to the plate for his own wife in 30 years. Start NOW.

This.