Has anyone else's life and marriage imploded after having a baby? Is this normal?

[Anonymous]

Yes. My marriage has imploded. DD is almost 1, and she's an absolute joy (it got a lot easier at around 6 mos, at least for me). DH, not so much.

We truly don't like each other right now and feel like we don't have time for intensive counseling. Like you, I often feel that it would be easier in some ways if we just lived separately, though I'm sure the reality of juggling childcare solo and figuring out a way to give her a calm, consistent double home life would be a lot harder than I can imagine.

I know this is no help, but just know that you're not alone!

[Anonymous]

Yes, it's totally normal. Don't do anything too rash. Your baby is only five months old. Things do get better, the older the baby gets. I know it's hard. Hang in there for a while. I too was in your situation but now that my baby is 9 months old things have gotten much better.

[Anonymous]

DH and I had some difficulties for the first few months when DS arrived, but not to the extent you're having OP. However, prior to the birth of DS, it sounds like my DH was like yours is now -- pretty helpless. My recommendations:

1. Consider a nanny. You'll get rid of pick up and drop off, plus getting the baby ready in the morning. Also, most nannies will do the baby's laundry and light housekeeping (it translates differently for different people, but for our nanny it means the house is picked up, counters wiped down, dishes clean, every night). Many also have no problem doing errands like dry cleaning, pharmacy, etc.

2. Delegate specific tasks to DH that aren't overly time specific. My DH does the grocery shopping. I need to write out a list, but that takes way less time then going myself, plus, it gives me a solid 30 minutes or more of time all to myself (he generally goes when DS is sleeping). I like the other PP's suggestion about dinner prep for the following night.

3. Make sure you have trade-offs for the childcare. Some people work well on set schedule, others can keep it a little looser. For us, I do all night wake-ups, but I get to sleep in on weekends. DS leaves work earlier to be home in time for nanny, but he leaves for work earlier before the nanny arrives.

4. Encourage one-on-one time between your LO and your DH. My DH, like yours, was really excited to become a father. But he also didn't have much baby experience. He wanted to participate, but generally I was just "better" at baby stuff in the beginning, so he'd defer to me or I'd micromanage. By having their alone time, DH got more comfortable, and I learned to back off a bit. And now that DS is a little older (7 months) DH is actually better at a lot of stuff, like entertaining DS (esp when he's a little crabby).

5. I'd caution against trying to divide up all tasks. Simply b/c I bet there are a million little things you do that won't get counted, so you'll end up with half the chore list, plus extra. Instead, just ask him to do a few things. If it's not a ton, it might not seem that overwhelming to him, but it'll probably seem like a big help to you.

6. If you're having trouble communicating what you need to him without it ending up in a big fight, definitely consider counseling. I've never been, but I'd hope that one thing they can do best is help people communicate.

[Anonymous]

The ONLY thing that saved our marriage, was that we got a NANNY!! As my friends were getting new cars and going out, etc., I gave that up to get the nanny. We would be divorced today without her. My kids are now big and I cannot justify the nanny in the same way, but I wish I could. My husband won't do anything. He won't. I hate him for it, I could kill him. I would never have guessed this is how he would have behaved, but he did. Instead of strangling him, because he will not change (welcome to real mommyhood), get serious help.

Once the nanny did everything, we were all happy again. No stress. She cooked, cleaned and walked my oldest son to the bus. She also took the kids to doctor's appointments. Doing that stuff by yourself is completely overrated. The pediatrician told me that she loved my nanny.

When I would get home, all of my time went to really focusing on the kids and my husband. There was no cooking and laundry and fighting. There was a glass of wine and doing puzzles!

[Anonymous]

sounds like you do need a nanny. That will help a lot with the daycare issue and just take pressue off of you. Kids are hard and stressful, we all feel overwhelmed, you're still adjusting. DOn't quit on your marriage. Try more outsourcing of help.

[Anonymous]

I may be in the minority here, but my marriage is better since the addition of DS. I offer a few differences between our situations in case it helps: I work FT, but job isn't that stressful (it also doesn't pay terribly well). Dur to the low pay, I can't really hire much help around the house, so, I have also let *A LOT* go. I wasn't doing this at first, but it has helped things immensely. In addition, my husband has stepped up (somewhat). If I ran around like a crazy woman I could do everything myself, and he's likely sit on the couch and watch me do it. However, I just stopped doing a lot of the cooking, cleaning etc etc. Much to my surprise, he stepped up and I just let go of some things (I was an obsessive cleaner pre-baby). Our meals are.so.simple. I let the clutter pile up. I have a mountain of laundry. I also have my mind! I do recommend talking with your doc about PPD, though. People have situational depressions, irregardless of having a baby. breastfeeding, etc.

[Anonymous]

I totally understand your pain, OP. Things that eventually helped us:

1) Split chores--if you cook, he cleans. EVERYDAY. If you cook everyday, then he cleans everyday.

2) He gets baby for 3 hours by himself one day a week. You get out of the house--go to Starbucks, the bookstore, yoga class, whatever. He cannot call you unless the baby is sick--and he should call the pediatrician before calling you.

3) Order dinner out to give yourself a break. Eat when you need to, not based on his schedule.

4) Divide drop-off/pick up. He can drop off, but you do pick-up.

5) When the baby wakes up at night, you alternate--whether it be by day, by waking, weekday/weekend, whatever, but you have to share the burden somehow.

6) Outsource what you can.

7) If you are in charge of baby, DH can be in charge of the house--he can pay bills, call the plumber, etc.

Good luck--many, many of us have been there. I find/found this comforting in and of itself.

[Anonymous]

Yes, it happened to us, and it is totally normal. Things started getting better around the time that DS was 6-7 months and could play and interact. DH started wanting to be around him more at that point and so it was less of a struggle. We still have tension/disagreements in front of DS, which I hate - mostly about control issues (e.g., we had a giant argument about the best and safest way to play with DS in a public pool), not as much about division of responsibilities any more.

Things aren't great, but they aren't terrible either, and honestly, marriage counseling sounds like yet another chore that I can't really stomach right now. DH is DS's hero (DS is 13 months old and he's a total daddy's boy) so I am not interested in a divorce any time in the near future.

[Anonymous]

GET HELP!

I don't mean counseling, I mean actual physical labor. It seems like if you're both physicians (and I know they don't make what they used to, but I don't get paid as a physician and trust me, it's worth it). From what you've stated, it seems like your husband has not changed, but you somehow, logically and understandably, may have felt he would with a baby. It just doesn't happen. He's not going to step up and do the things you want him to do, and underneath he's still the same, so he's still the man you love. What you need is some of the load lifted. Count your blessings that you have a good job and get some help. Get a housekeeper to come as often as you need one and get someone to do your yard work, if needed. You also will need help with childcare, so you can either 1) hire a Nanny....you won't have to drop off or pick up then and can hire her to stay a little longer once you're home to help with getting settled after work. or 2) Leave your child in daycare and try to hire a Mother's Helper of some sort. You can usually hire a College kid to pick your child up from daycare and get them settled at home. My sister hired one of these when going through a divorce and it was great. My Mother also had one of these when I was a kid. She hired an older woman through a baby-sitting service and the woman would take care of us until she got home, but you could just keep the person with you through bedtime until your baby is old enough that it's not so incredibly stressful.

What you're describing is stress, not abuse or dishonesty or philandering or a fundamental change in personality. You are tired. You need help. Take care of yourself and remind yourself who you married and who he is and why you love him and then don't expect anything more out of him that you're already getting. GET SOME TIME TO YOURSELF! Get a manicure, go to the mall alone. Have dinner with some friends once the baby is asleep and your husband is home. He'll become more involved most likely when your child is more at a "playful" age. Men don't always bond so quickly like women do. Somewhere around 1 1/2 or 2 men become much more entranced with their children. When the baby just lays there it's hard for them to get it. Remember, he didn't carry that baby for 9 months like you did. You've been parenting nearly a year longer than he has. Give it time, get some assistance and see how you feel a year from now. Not all marraiges last, but it seems like you have a good shot at it.

[Anonymous]

OP, in a word, YES. I don't have time to read all of the other replies but I have some advice. First, you and your husband need to talk -- NOW. Get a friend to watch the baby for two hours while you sit down to a good (take-out) meal and turn phones, etc off. Have a plan going in what you want to say. That requires knowing what you want.

1. Do you want / can you afford / is it realistic for you to draw back your hours? Are you interested in doing this? (Sounds a bit from your message like you are -- sorry if I misread). 2. If not, then DH simply MUST pull more of his weight. You know what? I don't care that daycare is closer to your office. If it helps you, DH can do a drop off every day. You do pick up. DH should at least be doing the grocery shopping, maybe helping with food prep. 3. Meals -- simplify. And yes, DH should be helping with these simple meals, as well. 4. Hire help for housekeeping. Two busy working professionals can't do it all. Here is one area that you can get some help. A professional cleaning usually runs about 100 bucks or less if you do it weekly. Hire out lawncare, etc. Whatever you can. It's just from now. 5. You absolutely must get some time for yourself, even if it is just a bubble bath. 6. No more "taking care of" your DH. I know what you mean. 7. If you have not already, get a sling or wrap or ergo so that you can do some household stuff with baby in arms. It helps.

I resisted hiring out these things because it burned me up that I was paying people to do things that DH should be helping me with. I felt like I was working to allow DH to slack, if that makes any sense. LIke you, there were times that I thought like if I were a single mom at least I would not have to take care of a baby AND a husband. These feelings have been happening since time immemorial. Remember the song "one less bell to answer"? It DOES ease up. My son is one now and the constant demands of having a baby in arms have eased up. But I also really let my DH know how unsupported I felt. The fact that your DH is chalking this up to PPD burns me up. Even if that is so, it is all the MORE reason for him to be stepping up. I personally believe that PPD is sometimes (not always) not chemical but in fact a reality of how unsupported and isolated new moms feel when far away from family yet expected to do every exhausting thing you used to do plus taking care of a demanding family. Ugh. I feel for you. It does get better, but you also need to make your hubs see the light. Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

My dd's are 2 and 9 months and I feel like we are just now getting back into the groove of things. It was rough there for the first year or so. Having a child is a shock to the system for sure but so fantastic. Really really really enjoying it now.

[Anonymous]

I think it is very common for marriages to implode the first year of the first child. Looking back, my DH and I were barely on speaking terms. If you have any time, buy "Babyproofing your marriage." I read it after the first year, and it was enlightening. It explains why a lot of marriages have such a rough patch and it helps you to understand both sides.

I will say it gets a lot easier - at least for us - after the first year. In my experience, in the first year, my life changed dramatically and my husband's life went on as normal. It was like we were living different lives. I

One thing I did learn was that if I needed help, i had to be specific. If I just said I needed help, my DH would go off on how he already did so much. But if i said "I need you to unload the dishwasher", he unloaded the dishswasher.

[Anonymous]

OP,

I first want to give you my support. And now: a reality check. Your husband is NOT helpless, he's a flipping physician, and I'm sure most of his patients view him as very capable. So USE THAT to your advantage. It's not romantic, but right now you are going to have to organize your homelife like you manage your practice. Hell, you don't take call EVERY nite, noone would expect you to, and so the system must be re-vamped.

We are 2 physicians as well, very similar scenario. And yes, the first year blew. We made it. Have 2 kids now, 4 and 6, and it's so much easier. The first 2 years we had to throw cash at the problem: in short, we got weekly cleaning service, I hired a woman to come in on Sundays to prepare 3 meals for the week. This seemed to be so indulgent, this is not how I grew up, this is not my work ethic, but for those 2 years...it had to be. We had no family in the area, and so all of those little things that support you we had to outsource. WE even hired a babysitter one Sat nite a month, and then we had to find something to do. I remember one evening in the beginning that we went to a park with a bottle of wine and fell asleep. We were just so exhausted, but it made us feel more like a team that was being pummeled, than two opposing forces that could have killed each other at many moments during the week.

Make an excel spreadsheet (it takes the affect out of it) and start to write down every single task....and then a big column that says who's got that task. Micromanage the hell out of this. Assume that it will NEVER dawn on him to do x or y...arrange your homelife like a business....

This is a temporary stage, and as hard as it is, it's do-able....

Good luck, my heart goes out to you,

A

[Anonymous]

And I second the suggestion to have set "daddy and baby" time - once a week (at least). Ours is Sunday night. I found I had to physcially leave the house for the baby to sort of accept daddy at first. But it really helped with the relationship between daddy and baby, and I found my sanity was restored just knowing I always had some free time to look forward to (even though I often just do the grocery shopping).

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for all of the responses. It's good to know I'm not alone, but also hard to hear that things may still be rough a year from now. I've sat down with my husband a few times to try to talk to him, and he HAS stepped up a bit. He has been cooking a couple of times a week and cleaning up occasionally, but he still leaves most of the household tasks and a lot of the childcare to me. I think hammering out a schedule and a weekly list of everything that needs to get done will be helpful. I just feel so resentful a lot of the time. To answer one of the PP's questions, yes, I do make more money than he does, and I feel animosity towards him b/c of it. I never did before the baby was born, but now that the baby is here, it annoys me that I pay for all of the daycare and baby costs and he doesn't pay for anything. I would LOVE to cut back on my work hours, and I was actually offered a PT job while I was on maternity leave -- PT jobs in my field of medicine are VERY hard to come by. My husband and I had a huge fight over this b/c it would have been really rough financially for me to take such a big pay cut. He was NOT happy with the idea so I let it go. As it is we don't have much money to enjoy, after all of the childcare costs, retirement savings, college savings, etc. I think taking a 50% pay cut would have just caused stress and fights in another area.

I like all of the ideas for outsourcing. I have a cleaner that comes twice a month but I am going to change it to once a week. DH is adamantly against it; he thinks it's a waste of money, but I don't. I am also going to look into outsourcing laundry. (We live in a condo and don't have a washer/dryer in our apt -- which means I cart ten loads of laundry downstairs by myself.) I feel like my husband thinks outsourcing is a waste because he doesn't care if the house is clean or not. I hate coming home to a messy house and I literally don't even want to go home after work on some days because I don't want to face the mess.

A nanny (who could help with some household chores and would eliminate the need for day care drop-offs/pick ups) would be ideal -- I hadn't thought of this as an option due to the expense; I just don't think DH would go for it b/c it would take $$ away from our retirement/college/new home savings. He is very frugal and doesn't want to "waste" a dime if there are alternatives. Our daycare costs are VERY low and a nanny would probably cost 3x what we pay for daycare.

I am just scared that all of my animosity and bitterness will be permanent. I used to get irritated at my husband occasionally before (YES, he was always like this and YES, he lived in filth and hunger before we got married). I never expected him to change; I knew what he was like when we got married -- I just didn't know how stressful things would get with another person (my adorable little boy) depending on me and needing me 24/7. People said it would be hard, but I had no idea. I seriously do not even remember the happy times anymore. Those memories are just a fog. I feel like the two of us don't even like each other anymore. We never even talk or hang out. My life is just a series of constant chores and stress. Hopefully outsourcing more and trying to be more organized will help... I am feeling pretty beaten down though.