Has anyone else's life and marriage imploded after having a baby? Is this normal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The ONLY thing that saved our marriage, was that we got a NANNY!! As my friends were getting new cars and going out, etc., I gave that up to get the nanny. We would be divorced today without her. My kids are now big and I cannot justify the nanny in the same way, but I wish I could. My husband won't do anything. He won't. I hate him for it, I could kill him. I would never have guessed this is how he would have behaved, but he did. Instead of strangling him, because he will not change (welcome to real mommyhood), get serious help.

Once the nanny did everything, we were all happy again. No stress. She cooked, cleaned and walked my oldest son to the bus. She also took the kids to doctor's appointments. Doing that stuff by yourself is completely overrated. The pediatrician told me that she loved my nanny.

When I would get home, all of my time went to really focusing on the kids and my husband. There was no cooking and laundry and fighting. There was a glass of wine and doing puzzles!

I love it. This is the real-life application of our joke when my DH and I get too stressed, we tell each other, "We need a wife."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,

I first want to give you my support. And now: a reality check. Your husband is NOT helpless, he's a flipping physician, and I'm sure most of his patients view him as very capable. So USE THAT to your advantage. It's not romantic, but right now you are going to have to organize your homelife like you manage your practice. Hell, you don't take call EVERY nite, noone would expect you to, and so the system must be re-vamped.

We are 2 physicians as well, very similar scenario. And yes, the first year blew. We made it. Have 2 kids now, 4 and 6, and it's so much easier. The first 2 years we had to throw cash at the problem: in short, we got weekly cleaning service, I hired a woman to come in on Sundays to prepare 3 meals for the week. This seemed to be so indulgent, this is not how I grew up, this is not my work ethic, but for those 2 years...it had to be. We had no family in the area, and so all of those little things that support you we had to outsource. WE even hired a babysitter one Sat nite a month, and then we had to find something to do. I remember one evening in the beginning that we went to a park with a bottle of wine and fell asleep. We were just so exhausted, but it made us feel more like a team that was being pummeled, than two opposing forces that could have killed each other at many moments during the week.

Make an excel spreadsheet (it takes the affect out of it) and start to write down every single task....and then a big column that says who's got that task. Micromanage the hell out of this. Assume that it will NEVER dawn on him to do x or y...arrange your homelife like a business....

This is a temporary stage, and as hard as it is, it's do-able....

Good luck, my heart goes out to you,

A

OP here. Thank you so much for this post. I feel like my husband and I are two opposing forces instead of a team being pummeled, just as you wrote. I love your idea about the Excel spreadsheet and organizing things like a business. How did you find someone to come in and cook 3 meals on Sunday? I am willing to throw cash at the problem but I think my husband will take some convincing (unfortunately). BTW, my husband is such a great doctor, but in other areas of his life, he's completely and utterly helpless (i.e., not being able to figure out how to pay for his car insurance online, etc.) I don't get it either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all of the responses. It's good to know I'm not alone, but also hard to hear that things may still be rough a year from now. I've sat down with my husband a few times to try to talk to him, and he HAS stepped up a bit. He has been cooking a couple of times a week and cleaning up occasionally, but he still leaves most of the household tasks and a lot of the childcare to me. I think hammering out a schedule and a weekly list of everything that needs to get done will be helpful. I just feel so resentful a lot of the time. To answer one of the PP's questions, yes, I do make more money than he does, and I feel animosity towards him b/c of it. I never did before the baby was born, but now that the baby is here, it annoys me that I pay for all of the daycare and baby costs and he doesn't pay for anything. I would LOVE to cut back on my work hours, and I was actually offered a PT job while I was on maternity leave -- PT jobs in my field of medicine are VERY hard to come by. My husband and I had a huge fight over this b/c it would have been really rough financially for me to take such a big pay cut. He was NOT happy with the idea so I let it go. As it is we don't have much money to enjoy, after all of the childcare costs, retirement savings, college savings, etc. I think taking a 50% pay cut would have just caused stress and fights in another area.

I like all of the ideas for outsourcing. I have a cleaner that comes twice a month but I am going to change it to once a week. DH is adamantly against it; he thinks it's a waste of money, but I don't. I am also going to look into outsourcing laundry. (We live in a condo and don't have a washer/dryer in our apt -- which means I cart ten loads of laundry downstairs by myself.) I feel like my husband thinks outsourcing is a waste because he doesn't care if the house is clean or not. I hate coming home to a messy house and I literally don't even want to go home after work on some days because I don't want to face the mess.

A nanny (who could help with some household chores and would eliminate the need for day care drop-offs/pick ups) would be ideal -- I hadn't thought of this as an option due to the expense; I just don't think DH would go for it b/c it would take $$ away from our retirement/college/new home savings. He is very frugal and doesn't want to "waste" a dime if there are alternatives. Our daycare costs are VERY low and a nanny would probably cost 3x what we pay for daycare.

I am just scared that all of my animosity and bitterness will be permanent. I used to get irritated at my husband occasionally before (YES, he was always like this and YES, he lived in filth and hunger before we got married). I never expected him to change; I knew what he was like when we got married -- I just didn't know how stressful things would get with another person (my adorable little boy) depending on me and needing me 24/7. People said it would be hard, but I had no idea. I seriously do not even remember the happy times anymore. Those memories are just a fog. I feel like the two of us don't even like each other anymore. We never even talk or hang out. My life is just a series of constant chores and stress. Hopefully outsourcing more and trying to be more organized will help... I am feeling pretty beaten down though.

You tell him the alternative to saving money is for him to start pitching in. I cannot believe you're carrying 10 loads of laundry up and down stairs. That's the least he can do. Immediately, begin a laundry service. Then show him that if he wants to save $X, he can start doing laundry. Or just do yours and your sons and he can do his own. Stop being a doormat. This man is taking too much advantage of you and you need to push back. You don't want to raise a son who thinks this apathetic, taking-advantage attitude is the norm for men. You need to raise a man who steps up to the plate for his own wife in 30 years. Start NOW.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I felt like the first few months back to work were really stressful and I think I told my DH everyday that I felt so "overwhelmed". He and I both have professional careers, very demanding... But, it does get easier.

However, my DH and I take time every night no matter what, even just for 10 minutes, and have a face to face conversation with no tv, no computer, etc. It does make a difference. Unless you WANT to be divorced (do you? ask yourself honestly) I'd say you need to stop everything else and focus on your marriage right now.

If you read the other posters suggestions about getting outside help and feel its "too overwhelming" then you really might take your husbands thoughts about PPD to heart. Help yourself, it will be healthier for you, your DH and your baby!

[Anonymous]

It seems like money is at the core of alot of your problems. I know the doctors aren't millionaires, but it really seems like you need to be spending some more money to help things. Retirement and college funds are important, but you need help NOW. A nanny, a weekly housekeeper, and someone else to cook might really help. You might be able to find a nanny that cooks, and/or there are several places in the area that prepare and deliver weekly meals. Here is an example: http://www.urbantastes.com/

Just to give you some perspective, I work reduced hours at a nonprofit and DH is a computer programmer. I took a paycut and DH has passed up promotions in order to maintain a 40-hour work week. We make combined less than $250k. We put money into our 401k and an college fund, but we don't max out either one. Instead, we pay for day care, a housecleaner, we go out to eat when we are too tired to cook, and we have a babysitter one night/week so that the two of us can go out alone. I get regular massages and pedicures because they make me feel good. Our DD is 2.5 and we are happy and feel totally balanced in our lives. You don't need a million dollars but you do need both parents to be on the same page as far as how to spend money and what you need to be happy.

[Anonymous]

Is your husband depressed?

[Anonymous]

Saving your marriage is worth the $$ if you can afford it: start with smaller steps if need by: hire the cleaner 1xweek; hire the launderer; hire the chef; then hire the nanny, if this will help your husband to feel like it's not all a huge chunk at once.

You've got the insight to see these things are somewhat "necessary" to keep the marriage healthy (ie, care for yourself first, marriage second, then the kiddo), even if your husband doesn't, so insist on it---he'll reap the benefits as well.

Truly best of luck to you.

[Anonymous]

OP -- I hear you on the money thing. I make more money than my husband, and I came to the relationship with savings. He came with debt. I've paid for our car, the downpayment on our condo/house, and have saved about 10x as much money as him since we got married. He never learned early to budget (his parents gave him a VERY generous allowance -- warning to all the wealthy DC'ers out there!) and so has never had to consider trade-offs like "should I buy a new suit or get more gear this month?" It drives me nuts! I worked my way through high school, college, paid off all debts by age 30, and have always saved regardless of my salary level.

We had the argument about spending money for daycare, and I used two tacks to convince him -- one, I talked about the time savings (morning and evening), and, two, I shared with him a couple articles about how babies do better with personal attention in the first year. I told him I felt guilty going to work and needed to know that our DC was getting this personal attention (I didn't really feel guilty, but it made him say "ok").

We found a nanny share with another family, and it's been a godsend. At whatever stage I'm in at 8:30am, the nanny comes in and takes over. I don't need to prepare food/bottles, get out clothes, worry about crib sheets, etc. My nanny does not do other chores, but we do host, which forces us to keep the house relatively clean. It has taken away DH's ability to say "I'll do the dishes tomorrow". (I still do most of the cleaning, though, sigh.)

In terms of savings, we are putting enough into retirement for the company matches and that's it. No other savings, but it's only a couple of years. I never thought we would be able to "find" $25K a year for daycare (we are not doctors or lawyers), but it was possible. I created the budget, and limited DH to a monthly allowance. You can do it, too! Good luck!

[Anonymous]

DH is adamantly against it; he thinks it's a waste of money, but I don't. I am also going to look into outsourcing laundry. (We live in a condo and don't have a washer/dryer in our apt -- which means I cart ten loads of laundry downstairs by myself.) I feel like my husband thinks outsourcing is a waste because he doesn't care if the house is clean or not. I hate coming home to a messy house and I literally don't even want to go home after work on some days because I don't want to face the mess.

A nanny (who could help with some household chores and would eliminate the need for day care drop-offs/pick ups) would be ideal -- I hadn't thought of this as an option due to the expense; I just don't think DH would go for it b/c it would take $$ away from our retirement/college/new home savings. He is very frugal and doesn't want to "waste" a dime if there are alternatives. Our daycare costs are VERY low and a nanny would probably cost 3x what we pay for daycare.

I agree wholeheartedly with your idea to outsource cleaning and laundry. Because your husband would prefer to live in a barn doesn't mean you have to. If your husband complains, tell him it's an investment in your marriage and your personal well-being and leave it at that. If he doesn't like it, he can go out and make some more money. I agree with the PP, I CANNOT believe you are hauling fricking laundry up and down the stairs on top of everything else. Tell your DH to man the hell up and at least carry the stuff down and up the stairs. And I mean that.

Another thing. We spoke with a financial planner who recommended that we not kill ourselves to put away money for college in these early years. Once you get your baby out of daycare and the day-to-day expenses go down, then you can max out your contributions to your kid's college fund to get back to where you want to be. But right now is the time to be focusing on your retirement and your new house fund. College can wait. I know it sounds counterintuitive, but that may be where you can find some extra cash to de-stress your life and your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would LOVE to cut back on my work hours, and I was actually offered a PT job while I was on maternity leave -- PT jobs in my field of medicine are VERY hard to come by. My husband and I had a huge fight over this b/c it would have been really rough financially for me to take such a big pay cut. He was NOT happy with the idea so I let it go. As it is we don't have much money to enjoy, after all of the childcare costs, retirement savings, college savings, etc. I think taking a 50% pay cut would have just caused stress and fights in another area........A nanny (who could help with some household chores and would eliminate the need for day care drop-offs/pick ups) would be ideal -- I hadn't thought of this as an option due to the expense; I just don't think DH would go for it b/c it would take $$ away from our retirement/college/new home savings. He is very frugal and doesn't want to "waste" a dime if there are alternatives. Our daycare costs are VERY low and a nanny would probably cost 3x what we pay for daycare.................My life is just a series of constant chores and stress. Hopefully outsourcing more and trying to be more organized will help... I am feeling pretty beaten down though.

OP, I'm sorry, but after reading your update, I think your husband is WAY out of line. It sounds like that as much as your husband is "helpless," he is also very controlling. He sounds to me like he is running your home like a dictator, where his needs and priorities trump yours, he has veto power over things you NEED (not want) and yet is selfishly avoiding any of the sacrifice and legwork that it takes to achieve the goals he has unilaterally set for your family. He needs to face up to this. In my humble opinion, a sane wife is more important than a fully-funded college plan. He needs to consider the very real trade-off of living in a tight condo for a few years vs. the divorce courts. If I were you, I wouldn't like your husband right now very much, either. Chances are good that he isn't really considering the true impact this is having on you, especially if he is kidding hmself that this is all PPD and not the impact of his decisions, actions and especially, lack of actions. I'd consider printing this thread off, or else taking your most salient (even the painful ones) points and writing them down so that when you have The Talk with him, you won't get side tracked. Your needs are important and valid, OP. You need to assert yourself and protect your own needs. Revisit this sentence I've bolded. Since when is DH the decider? Your needs get equal airtime. Period.

[Anonymous]

Now is NOT the time to wonder if you want to be divorced. If being divorced means all of this will change, well then the answer would have to be yes. Now's not the time to be asking that questions, now's the time to be implementing some serious, rapid bevaioral change, then get some sleep, and then you can start soul searching. But for the love of god, have a nap first, you've earned it!!!!

[Anonymous]

OP: If one of your patients came to you with this very scenario, and they were clear that all of this was starting to negatively impact their own health, what advice would you give?

[Anonymous]

Totally normal. Having lived through it, I strongly suggest you pay whatever money it takes to get both household help and extra baby help. I tried to go cheap, and my mental health and marriage really suffered. I really hated parenting the first six months. It get marginally better after that, but doesn't really improve for two years.

My husband and I constantly fought during that time too. It's really just hell when you're both working long hours and so very tired.

It's not your marriage, it's the incredible demands of an infant on top of your work demands.

And divorce would only make it worse.

[Anonymous]

Agree with so much said by the PPs - incredibly rough first year, need for husband to step up, etc.

And agree with the advice to get extra help, and to give DH the option of doing it or paying for it, but either way it has to happen.

That said - a practical thing. If it makes more sense for you to do both drop off and pick up, I don't think that's necessarily so bad / difficult, *IF* it is DH's responsibility to do all the getting ready. I.e. it is his job every morning to make sure the daycare back is backed, your son is fed and ready to go, and even in his car seat - hell, even getting all of it in the car! - so all you have to do is walk yourself and your son to the car and go. Make him a detailed list of everything that needs to be done / packed, and then let him take over. And if you're worried that he'll mess some of it up (which, lets be honest, he probably will at first), send an emergency back to daycare with formula, extra bottle, diapers, change of clothes, etc., so that when hubby messes something up it can be dealt with later without negatively impacting your child.

Good luck OP. This time is difficult in general, and it sounds like you have it really rough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I felt like the first few months back to work were really stressful and I think I told my DH everyday that I felt so "overwhelmed". He and I both have professional careers, very demanding... But, it does get easier.

However, my DH and I take time every night no matter what, even just for 10 minutes, and have a face to face conversation with no tv, no computer, etc. It does make a difference. Unless you WANT to be divorced (do you? ask yourself honestly) I'd say you need to stop everything else and focus on your marriage right now.

If you read the other posters suggestions about getting outside help and feel its "too overwhelming" then you really might take your husbands thoughts about PPD to heart. Help yourself, it will be healthier for you, your DH and your baby!

This response bothers me. The onus of EVERYTHING that happens outside of the workplace is on OP, and on top of that, she's got the pressure of being the primary caregiver. OP feels she can't get help because her husband is being stingy and parsimonious with HER money. (I am not normally a "his and hers" type of money person, but the fact that she earns more than him, wants to cut back on her hours, and is breaking under the pressure of her husband's paucity is just too frickin much for me).

OP's husband needs a kick in the ass, and these replies saying "maybe it is PPD" are just burning me up. I think OP's husband is suffering from the very real medical condition that is Selfish Asshole Disorder.

Sorry OP. Your husband is probably great. But he's behaving badly now.