Can this marriage be saved?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We’ve been together since college. Were head over heels in love and had 20+ really good years together. Now we are (at best) roommates. Intimacy had been fairly regular in recent years (at least 1-3 times/week), then it tapered down to 1-2 times a month a year or so ago, and then all physical contact (including hugs) abruptly stopped 6+ months ago. Nada.

No big fight. Nothing I can pinpoint.

When asked, they point to stress. But it’s more than that. They are distant (don’t come to bed at the same time). They only engage when there is an issue.

I tried to be extra happy/loving/engaging and nothing changed.

I tried to be direct by saying what I noticed and how it made me feel AND what I need (communication and affection). Nothing.

I won’t give up access to our kids. I don’t want to have a gray divorce once the youngest launches…for a lot of reasons including financial stability as well as disrupting our family unit. I want my old spouse back, but they’ve become so negative and unpleasant. Again: they blame stress.

Anyone btdt? Would therapy help?

What if the reality is your partner checked out because they don’t like you anymore…and now you realize you don’t really like who they have become either?

FTR, I haven’t changed. My personality has always been the same. But they definitely changed into a really unhappy, negative person.

Background: no mental illness or depression in the gene pool. They are physically fit and their stress is normal kids/aging parents stuff. No high stress job or medical illness to deal with. And ftr, I’m dealing with the same stress yet able to keep a smile on my face.

I just feel like I’m done.

On a positive note: they haven’t checked out on parental/familial responsibilities. They are a good parent…just a crappy spouse.

Woe them like they are a new person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:6 months is not that long. It was 7 years without—in my 30s—before I divorced. No way my marriage worked from the beginning and no chance.

Yes, yours seems not bad enough for divorce. Yes, it can be saved.

Only if it is a goal shared by OP's spouse.

And if OP's spouse chooses to exit, delusions about "I won't give up time with my kids" is moot, court will order 5050 even if spouse is having an affair. OP has VERY little control re: life and family life moving forward is the reality.

OP, get your ducks in order financially and consult with a lawyer. In case your spouse files first you don't want to be blindsided.

I just find it shocking that people are jumping to “can this marriage be saved” when they’re only has been a lack of intimacy for six months only out of all these years; it’s kind of ridiculous. It sounds like low tea or midlife crisis to me or something else or even a health condition or even erectile dysfunction.

It goes without saying, of course, both people have to wanna save it to have it be saved, but the general question of “can this marriage be saved?” is off…of course it can…Everybody knows it takes two people to save it.) this is not a post where there are dealbreaker, toxic problems that are long-term or something where people would assume of course it can’t be saved. It’s the opposite. This seems like a speed bump and maybe it’s not but I’m just surprised at the description in the post thinking it’s that dire after just six months of things being different.

So have you and your spouse gone more than 6 months without ever touching each other? Not even a hug?

And did your spouse essentially ignore you during those 6 months?

Zero happy conversations.

Just short responses to questions. Only engaging on a need to know parenting or house-related item.

I’m not talking about an otherwise happy or decent situation that simply lacks sex.

And, in hindsight, it’s been a few years of what feels like a slow roll towards the bottom.

If you have btdt, then please tell me how you improved the marriage. That’s why I posted.

Yes…for 7 out of 10 YEARS (no affection, no talking, no dates, no sex, no hugs, no relationship): I got divorced at year 10. I was not talking about just sex either. 6 months of a lack of relationship is not that long…when you get to 1.5 or 2 years with no improvement, that is when it is a death spiral.

Also, this could be a health issue: get a full work up including testosterone levels. Also, see a neurologist…behavior changes can be a brain tumor.

Jumping to the idea is divorce after only six months is mind boggling.

Well, I said I don’t want a gray divorce down the road after my youngest launches (which is several years down the road since they aren’t even in HS yet). So I’m not jumping to divorce. Geez.

But I’m not interested in staying in a miserable, sexless marriage for a decade like you did.

This seems like an unnecessarily harsh reply for someone who shared her painful experience with you.

Maybe.

I was getting irritated by the judgment that I was ridiculous for considering divorce after only 6 months (in multiple posts)…when that’s not really the case.

My apologies.

[Anonymous]

He doesn't find you attractive anymore and there is probably also resentment, whether founded or not.

[Anonymous]

Textbook work affair or online affair

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, 6 months -- you need to ride it out. It's almost odd that you have the extreme thoughts of ending your marriage, you displayed in your first post, after only 6 months.

DP-ride what out? In all seriousness. OP, get yourself a therapist if you don't have one. Take care of yourself. Trust yourself and your intuition.

In the (hopefully) long arc of a marriage, 6 months is nothing. Sure it feels like it at the time, but age, illness, employment, circumstances - everything changes and evolves. The vows are for better *and* for worse.

+1, From someone married 30 years

Get marriage counseling or whatever it takes to jump start things and figure out why DH is not reacting to whatever is stressing him, in the way he used to react to stress. And PP is right. Six months is a blip if you are committed. Ask yourself why your mind so quickly jumps to divorce instead of your first reaction being, what's different this time about his "stress"?

He needs to get on board with pinpointing whatever problem he's having that's shutting him down. That may be a marital problem but coukd instead be something else that's not about you, OP, or about the marriage. Of course DCUM always insists "It's an affair" but if you assume that and it wasnt true-- you'll have ditched your marriage over a phantom affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Textbook work affair or online affair

This week as what it was in my experience. ExDH became terribly cold. He was so mean on a daily basis. It was very hurtful. No affection given at all. Turns out he was giving his attention to other women. He eventually became so mean that he hit me, and it was over.

I’m not saying that’s what’s going on here, but it’s not a good sign. And the amount of time something has been wrong is not trivial.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is how men having affairs act. It’s textbook.

Agree. It's exactly how it looked in my former home. He will feel like he's cheating on AP by touching you.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't think that your husband necessarily has an affair. Many marriages that are happy for a long time fizzle out like that. Either he is willing to go to therapy with you, or you continue to suffer, or you divorce.

One thing is for sure: unfortunately he will not become the same caring, attentive husband that he used to be. That is the sad reality. I went through the same thing.
At some point you will want to divorce.

[Anonymous]

OP read not just friends. Your husband is displaying the classic behavior of someone in an emotional affair that may have turned physical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What you talk to him directly about these issues, what does he say?

I’ve been very direct about how sad I am that our relationship has morphed into such a bad state. I’ve said that I’ve noticed he hasn’t touched me in months and that it hurts, and that I’d like to know why. His response is that he’s under a lot of stress and this is how he handles stress.

Since we’ve known each other for decades, I know that’s not true. Honestly, he used to manage his stress with sex. That was the release that seemed to recharge his mental outlook.

I think it's sort of a mid-life crisis. The phrase "grumpy old men" didn't develop in a vacuum. How does he feel about his career success, especially in relation to others at his work or in his peer group. If the stress you've been under (for years? now) is undermining his sense of self-worth then a lot of this makes sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:6 months is not that long. It was 7 years without—in my 30s—before I divorced. No way my marriage worked from the beginning and no chance.

Yes, yours seems not bad enough for divorce. Yes, it can be saved.

Only if it is a goal shared by OP's spouse.

And if OP's spouse chooses to exit, delusions about "I won't give up time with my kids" is moot, court will order 5050 even if spouse is having an affair. OP has VERY little control re: life and family life moving forward is the reality.

OP, get your ducks in order financially and consult with a lawyer. In case your spouse files first you don't want to be blindsided.

I just find it shocking that people are jumping to “can this marriage be saved” when they’re only has been a lack of intimacy for six months only out of all these years; it’s kind of ridiculous. It sounds like low tea or midlife crisis to me or something else or even a health condition or even erectile dysfunction.

It goes without saying, of course, both people have to wanna save it to have it be saved, but the general question of “can this marriage be saved?” is off…of course it can…Everybody knows it takes two people to save it.) this is not a post where there are dealbreaker, toxic problems that are long-term or something where people would assume of course it can’t be saved. It’s the opposite. This seems like a speed bump and maybe it’s not but I’m just surprised at the description in the post thinking it’s that dire after just six months of things being different.

So have you and your spouse gone more than 6 months without ever touching each other? Not even a hug?

And did your spouse essentially ignore you during those 6 months?

Zero happy conversations.

Just short responses to questions. Only engaging on a need to know parenting or house-related item.

I’m not talking about an otherwise happy or decent situation that simply lacks sex.

And, in hindsight, it’s been a few years of what feels like a slow roll towards the bottom.

If you have btdt, then please tell me how you improved the marriage. That’s why I posted.

Yes…for 7 out of 10 YEARS (no affection, no talking, no dates, no sex, no hugs, no relationship): I got divorced at year 10. I was not talking about just sex either. 6 months of a lack of relationship is not that long…when you get to 1.5 or 2 years with no improvement, that is when it is a death spiral.

Also, this could be a health issue: get a full work up including testosterone levels. Also, see a neurologist…behavior changes can be a brain tumor.

Jumping to the idea is divorce after only six months is mind boggling.

Staying in your situation for 10 YEARS is mind-boggling.

[Anonymous]

OP, I imagine your husband is mid-40's? You said you've been together since college plus 20 years. That's classic mid-life crisis time.

Do you work? Has his work situation changed? Has he stopped doing previous activities or hanging out with friends? How did COVID treat him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:6 months is not that long. It was 7 years without—in my 30s—before I divorced. No way my marriage worked from the beginning and no chance.

Yes, yours seems not bad enough for divorce. Yes, it can be saved.

Only if it is a goal shared by OP's spouse.

And if OP's spouse chooses to exit, delusions about "I won't give up time with my kids" is moot, court will order 5050 even if spouse is having an affair. OP has VERY little control re: life and family life moving forward is the reality.

OP, get your ducks in order financially and consult with a lawyer. In case your spouse files first you don't want to be blindsided.

I just find it shocking that people are jumping to “can this marriage be saved” when they’re only has been a lack of intimacy for six months only out of all these years; it’s kind of ridiculous. It sounds like low tea or midlife crisis to me or something else or even a health condition or even erectile dysfunction.

It goes without saying, of course, both people have to wanna save it to have it be saved, but the general question of “can this marriage be saved?” is off…of course it can…Everybody knows it takes two people to save it.) this is not a post where there are dealbreaker, toxic problems that are long-term or something where people would assume of course it can’t be saved. It’s the opposite. This seems like a speed bump and maybe it’s not but I’m just surprised at the description in the post thinking it’s that dire after just six months of things being different.

So have you and your spouse gone more than 6 months without ever touching each other? Not even a hug?

And did your spouse essentially ignore you during those 6 months?

Zero happy conversations.

Just short responses to questions. Only engaging on a need to know parenting or house-related item.

I’m not talking about an otherwise happy or decent situation that simply lacks sex.

And, in hindsight, it’s been a few years of what feels like a slow roll towards the bottom.

If you have btdt, then please tell me how you improved the marriage. That’s why I posted.

Yes…for 7 out of 10 YEARS (no affection, no talking, no dates, no sex, no hugs, no relationship): I got divorced at year 10. I was not talking about just sex either. 6 months of a lack of relationship is not that long…when you get to 1.5 or 2 years with no improvement, that is when it is a death spiral.

Also, this could be a health issue: get a full work up including testosterone levels. Also, see a neurologist…behavior changes can be a brain tumor.

Jumping to the idea is divorce after only six months is mind boggling.

Staying in your situation for 10 YEARS is mind-boggling.

Maybe it’s not that uncommon. It happened to me, too. 10 years of living like roommates. I was wrapped up with the kids and didn’t want to break up the family. He ultimately had an affair and now we’re divorced.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you’re contemplating the logistics of divorce, your brain knows what your heart isn’t ready to accept. And I understand that. But as cliché as it sounds, I agree that your husband is having an affair. And no amount of date nights, counseling, or trips away is going to solve that. You need to blow it up, and that means you need to figure it out. Tile in the car, keystroke monitor device, whatever it takes. It’s humiliating and you’re gonna have to do some digging, but I believe you’ll find what you’re looking for. It’s only then that this is going to change.

[Anonymous]

How much does he drink, OP? Any chance he’s drinking more than you think?

Withdrawn and irritable at home and “this is how I manage stress” raises red flags for heavy drinking for me.