Can this marriage be saved?

[Anonymous]

Is this all directed at you OP, or have friends and family noticed a change?

[Anonymous]

Two options that are not mutually exclusive:

1) They are leaving their phone in the office and having nooners with a coworker.

2) You have always been a crappy spouse (since you say you haven’t changed), and they are just done. Your sudden happy choreplay because you want to get laid isn’t sexy because cheerfully folding laundry one time and then expecting to have sex for the rest of the week makes their skin crawl.

[Anonymous]

1. Has the spouse identified the actual source of stress?

2. You haven’t changed in 20+ years? I find that very hard to believe.

[Anonymous]

It doesn’t have to be cheating but it absolutely can be. Having such access to each other’s phones -that would be so easy to get around, knowing that you check each other’s phones it would be very easy to find another way of communication and obviously they wouldn’t use the phone.

As others have said it could be emotional at this point. But if so they are checked out and like a PP said wanting to demonize you.

At this point, it would be helpful to know if you’re a man or a woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cheating.

This.

[Anonymous]

They are in love with someone else and don’t want to “cheat” on that person with you. Btdt. So sorry. No, your marriage cannot be saved.

[Anonymous]

Put a tile in their car

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We’ve been together since college. Were head over heels in love and had 20+ really good years together. Now we are (at best) roommates. Intimacy had been fairly regular in recent years (at least 1-3 times/week), then it tapered down to 1-2 times a month a year or so ago, and then all physical contact (including hugs) abruptly stopped 6+ months ago. Nada.

No big fight. Nothing I can pinpoint.

When asked, they point to stress. But it’s more than that. They are distant (don’t come to bed at the same time). They only engage when there is an issue.

I tried to be extra happy/loving/engaging and nothing changed.

I tried to be direct by saying what I noticed and how it made me feel AND what I need (communication and affection). Nothing.

I won’t give up access to our kids. I don’t want to have a gray divorce once the youngest launches…for a lot of reasons including financial stability as well as disrupting our family unit. I want my old spouse back, but they’ve become so negative and unpleasant. Again: they blame stress.

Anyone btdt? Would therapy help?

What if the reality is your partner checked out because they don’t like you anymore…and now you realize you don’t really like who they have become either?

FTR, I haven’t changed. My personality has always been the same. But they definitely changed into a really unhappy, negative person.

Background: no mental illness or depression in the gene pool. They are physically fit and their stress is normal kids/aging parents stuff. No high stress job or medical illness to deal with. And ftr, I’m dealing with the same stress yet able to keep a smile on my face.

I just feel like I’m done.

On a positive note: they haven’t checked out on parental/familial responsibilities. They are a good parent…just a crappy spouse.

It really reads like an affair, OP. It takes 2 to marry but only 1 to blow it up. I'd read at https://www.chumplady.com/the-pretzel-logic-of-the-180/

Do you work, OP? I'd copy financials and do a consult with a lawyer so you are ready if the rug gets pulled out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are in love with someone else and don’t want to “cheat” on that person with you. Btdt. So sorry. No, your marriage cannot be saved.

No they aren’t “in love” lol

They are in “middle life crisis”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this all directed at you OP, or have friends and family noticed a change?

OP?

And when they don't come to bed at the same time, what is it they are doing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cheating.

I know that’s the I’m immediate assumption, but I just don’t see how/when they could.

We have a family Life 360 account, so everyone knows where everyone is. They are always at work or with one or more of our kids…or at home. No business travel. And we know each others phone codes and regularly need to access each other’s phones to pay bills, bank, handle kid stuff using certain apps, etc.

Can be hacked. My spouse always appeared to be at work. They can leave cell in desk at work —-and there is also a way to set the pin from a laptop to make it appear somewhere they aren’t. They also could be with someone from the office. We shared phone passwords, etc. Cheaters don’t text. They communicate with burner emails or Skype message, google, etc.

[Anonymous]

If you’re a guy, it’s your fault and you need to do better with no expectation of anything in return (but you won’t).

If you’re a woman, you need to DTMFA - divorce, stat!

Either way, no, the marriage you remember and want cannot be saved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two options that are not mutually exclusive:

1) They are leaving their phone in the office and having nooners with a coworker.

2) You have always been a crappy spouse (since you say you haven’t changed), and they are just done. Your sudden happy choreplay because you want to get laid isn’t sexy because cheerfully folding laundry one time and then expecting to have sex for the rest of the week makes their skin crawl.

I don’t think it’s an affair. I think it’s more related to #2. Getting older and realizing they are giving, giving, giving and spouse barely shows up to be a full partner. So just done - will focus on kids but has no more energy or desire for a selfish/ clueless spouse.

[Anonymous]

OP’s DH is not necessarily cheating. My DH was cold, casually cruel, sexless, etc. It was just his dissatisfaction with me and with midlife. Couples therapy helped a lot.

[Anonymous]

Just because there is no genetic history of mental illness, doesn’t mean it couldn’t be mental illness.

If he m/she is not having an affair, and you have always been a loving and devoted spouse, you’re running out of options.