Can this marriage be saved?

[Anonymous]

What you talk to him directly about these issues, what does he say?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What you talk to him directly about these issues, what does he say?

I’ve been very direct about how sad I am that our relationship has morphed into such a bad state. I’ve said that I’ve noticed he hasn’t touched me in months and that it hurts, and that I’d like to know why. His response is that he’s under a lot of stress and this is how he handles stress.

Since we’ve known each other for decades, I know that’s not true. Honestly, he used to manage his stress with sex. That was the release that seemed to recharge his mental outlook.

[Anonymous]

This is how men having affairs act. It’s textbook.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is how men having affairs act. It’s textbook.

Agree. Except mine still wanted sex with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, marriage can be saved. Spouse might be dealing with issues related to childhood or something that impacts them mentally that you didn't even know about. Ask me how I know.

Go to counseling, it definitely helps.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:6 months is not that long. It was 7 years without—in my 30s—before I divorced. No way my marriage worked from the beginning and no chance.

Yes, yours seems not bad enough for divorce. Yes, it can be saved.

Only if it is a goal shared by OP's spouse.

And if OP's spouse chooses to exit, delusions about "I won't give up time with my kids" is moot, court will order 5050 even if spouse is having an affair. OP has VERY little control re: life and family life moving forward is the reality.

OP, get your ducks in order financially and consult with a lawyer. In case your spouse files first you don't want to be blindsided.

I just find it shocking that people are jumping to “can this marriage be saved” when they’re only has been a lack of intimacy for six months only out of all these years; it’s kind of ridiculous. It sounds like low tea or midlife crisis to me or something else or even a health condition or even erectile dysfunction.

It goes without saying, of course, both people have to wanna save it to have it be saved, but the general question of “can this marriage be saved?” is off…of course it can…Everybody knows it takes two people to save it.) this is not a post where there are dealbreaker, toxic problems that are long-term or something where people would assume of course it can’t be saved. It’s the opposite. This seems like a speed bump and maybe it’s not but I’m just surprised at the description in the post thinking it’s that dire after just six months of things being different.

So have you and your spouse gone more than 6 months without ever touching each other? Not even a hug?

And did your spouse essentially ignore you during those 6 months?

Zero happy conversations.

Just short responses to questions. Only engaging on a need to know parenting or house-related item.

I’m not talking about an otherwise happy or decent situation that simply lacks sex.

And, in hindsight, it’s been a few years of what feels like a slow roll towards the bottom.

If you have btdt, then please tell me how you improved the marriage. That’s why I posted.

Yes…for 7 out of 10 YEARS (no affection, no talking, no dates, no sex, no hugs, no relationship): I got divorced at year 10. I was not talking about just sex either. 6 months of a lack of relationship is not that long…when you get to 1.5 or 2 years with no improvement, that is when it is a death spiral.

Also, this could be a health issue: get a full work up including testosterone levels. Also, see a neurologist…behavior changes can be a brain tumor.

Jumping to the idea is divorce after only six months is mind boggling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What you talk to him directly about these issues, what does he say?

I’ve been very direct about how sad I am that our relationship has morphed into such a bad state. I’ve said that I’ve noticed he hasn’t touched me in months and that it hurts, and that I’d like to know why. His response is that he’s under a lot of stress and this is how he handles stress.

Since we’ve known each other for decades, I know that’s not true. Honestly, he used to manage his stress with sex. That was the release that seemed to recharge his mental outlook.

Asking seriously and without snark, OP: Have you said that second paragraph, above, directly to him? That when he says it's how he handles stress, that response does not track with how he has handled it in all the years you've known him, so what is this specific source of stress that is making him react so differently and so out of character? Air this. What is the source? If he evades, he needs to hear that this is damaging the marriage.

I would not assume an affair. I would be concerned about possible depression or a health issue, or as someone noted, the surfacing of some past trauma or issue. Or possibly his having work problems he is hiding from you (Job may be on the line? New boss is awful? Messed up a project and is in trouble?).

You need to focus more on getting communication out in the open and calling him on it (kindly, but firmly) when he says it's "stress" but won't work with you to get to the source of this stress. Tell him you're a team and both need to start working on this, because it's affecting how you view him and the marriage. Getting a third party like a therapist involved will help. But don't wait and let this fester.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:6 months is not that long. It was 7 years without—in my 30s—before I divorced. No way my marriage worked from the beginning and no chance.

Yes, yours seems not bad enough for divorce. Yes, it can be saved.

Only if it is a goal shared by OP's spouse.

And if OP's spouse chooses to exit, delusions about "I won't give up time with my kids" is moot, court will order 5050 even if spouse is having an affair. OP has VERY little control re: life and family life moving forward is the reality.

OP, get your ducks in order financially and consult with a lawyer. In case your spouse files first you don't want to be blindsided.

I just find it shocking that people are jumping to “can this marriage be saved” when they’re only has been a lack of intimacy for six months only out of all these years; it’s kind of ridiculous. It sounds like low tea or midlife crisis to me or something else or even a health condition or even erectile dysfunction.

It goes without saying, of course, both people have to wanna save it to have it be saved, but the general question of “can this marriage be saved?” is off…of course it can…Everybody knows it takes two people to save it.) this is not a post where there are dealbreaker, toxic problems that are long-term or something where people would assume of course it can’t be saved. It’s the opposite. This seems like a speed bump and maybe it’s not but I’m just surprised at the description in the post thinking it’s that dire after just six months of things being different.

So have you and your spouse gone more than 6 months without ever touching each other? Not even a hug?

And did your spouse essentially ignore you during those 6 months?

Zero happy conversations.

Just short responses to questions. Only engaging on a need to know parenting or house-related item.

I’m not talking about an otherwise happy or decent situation that simply lacks sex.

And, in hindsight, it’s been a few years of what feels like a slow roll towards the bottom.

If you have btdt, then please tell me how you improved the marriage. That’s why I posted.

Yes…for 7 out of 10 YEARS (no affection, no talking, no dates, no sex, no hugs, no relationship): I got divorced at year 10. I was not talking about just sex either. 6 months of a lack of relationship is not that long…when you get to 1.5 or 2 years with no improvement, that is when it is a death spiral.

Also, this could be a health issue: get a full work up including testosterone levels. Also, see a neurologist…behavior changes can be a brain tumor.

Jumping to the idea is divorce after only six months is mind boggling.

Well, I said I don’t want a gray divorce down the road after my youngest launches (which is several years down the road since they aren’t even in HS yet). So I’m not jumping to divorce. Geez.

But I’m not interested in staying in a miserable, sexless marriage for a decade like you did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:6 months is not that long. It was 7 years without—in my 30s—before I divorced. No way my marriage worked from the beginning and no chance.

Yes, yours seems not bad enough for divorce. Yes, it can be saved.

Only if it is a goal shared by OP's spouse.

And if OP's spouse chooses to exit, delusions about "I won't give up time with my kids" is moot, court will order 5050 even if spouse is having an affair. OP has VERY little control re: life and family life moving forward is the reality.

OP, get your ducks in order financially and consult with a lawyer. In case your spouse files first you don't want to be blindsided.

I just find it shocking that people are jumping to “can this marriage be saved” when they’re only has been a lack of intimacy for six months only out of all these years; it’s kind of ridiculous. It sounds like low tea or midlife crisis to me or something else or even a health condition or even erectile dysfunction.

It goes without saying, of course, both people have to wanna save it to have it be saved, but the general question of “can this marriage be saved?” is off…of course it can…Everybody knows it takes two people to save it.) this is not a post where there are dealbreaker, toxic problems that are long-term or something where people would assume of course it can’t be saved. It’s the opposite. This seems like a speed bump and maybe it’s not but I’m just surprised at the description in the post thinking it’s that dire after just six months of things being different.

So have you and your spouse gone more than 6 months without ever touching each other? Not even a hug?

And did your spouse essentially ignore you during those 6 months?

Zero happy conversations.

Just short responses to questions. Only engaging on a need to know parenting or house-related item.

I’m not talking about an otherwise happy or decent situation that simply lacks sex.

And, in hindsight, it’s been a few years of what feels like a slow roll towards the bottom.

If you have btdt, then please tell me how you improved the marriage. That’s why I posted.

Yes…for 7 out of 10 YEARS (no affection, no talking, no dates, no sex, no hugs, no relationship): I got divorced at year 10. I was not talking about just sex either. 6 months of a lack of relationship is not that long…when you get to 1.5 or 2 years with no improvement, that is when it is a death spiral.

Also, this could be a health issue: get a full work up including testosterone levels. Also, see a neurologist…behavior changes can be a brain tumor.

Jumping to the idea is divorce after only six months is mind boggling.

Well, I said I don’t want a gray divorce down the road after my youngest launches (which is several years down the road since they aren’t even in HS yet). So I’m not jumping to divorce. Geez.

But I’m not interested in staying in a miserable, sexless marriage for a decade like you did.

It wasn’t a choice. I was geographically trapped until I could leave. Count yourself lucky. (I also was pressured to get married by family and then pressured to stay—it ruined my life). Sounds like you have had a pretty good 20 years and never had a rough patch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, 6 months -- you need to ride it out. It's almost odd that you have the extreme thoughts of ending your marriage, you displayed in your first post, after only 6 months.

DP-ride what out? In all seriousness. OP, get yourself a therapist if you don't have one. Take care of yourself. Trust yourself and your intuition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:6 months is not that long. It was 7 years without—in my 30s—before I divorced. No way my marriage worked from the beginning and no chance.

Yes, yours seems not bad enough for divorce. Yes, it can be saved.

Only if it is a goal shared by OP's spouse.

And if OP's spouse chooses to exit, delusions about "I won't give up time with my kids" is moot, court will order 5050 even if spouse is having an affair. OP has VERY little control re: life and family life moving forward is the reality.

OP, get your ducks in order financially and consult with a lawyer. In case your spouse files first you don't want to be blindsided.

I just find it shocking that people are jumping to “can this marriage be saved” when they’re only has been a lack of intimacy for six months only out of all these years; it’s kind of ridiculous. It sounds like low tea or midlife crisis to me or something else or even a health condition or even erectile dysfunction.

It goes without saying, of course, both people have to wanna save it to have it be saved, but the general question of “can this marriage be saved?” is off…of course it can…Everybody knows it takes two people to save it.) this is not a post where there are dealbreaker, toxic problems that are long-term or something where people would assume of course it can’t be saved. It’s the opposite. This seems like a speed bump and maybe it’s not but I’m just surprised at the description in the post thinking it’s that dire after just six months of things being different.

So have you and your spouse gone more than 6 months without ever touching each other? Not even a hug?

And did your spouse essentially ignore you during those 6 months?

Zero happy conversations.

Just short responses to questions. Only engaging on a need to know parenting or house-related item.

I’m not talking about an otherwise happy or decent situation that simply lacks sex.

And, in hindsight, it’s been a few years of what feels like a slow roll towards the bottom.

If you have btdt, then please tell me how you improved the marriage. That’s why I posted.

Yes…for 7 out of 10 YEARS (no affection, no talking, no dates, no sex, no hugs, no relationship): I got divorced at year 10. I was not talking about just sex either. 6 months of a lack of relationship is not that long…when you get to 1.5 or 2 years with no improvement, that is when it is a death spiral.

Also, this could be a health issue: get a full work up including testosterone levels. Also, see a neurologist…behavior changes can be a brain tumor.

Jumping to the idea is divorce after only six months is mind boggling.

Well, I said I don’t want a gray divorce down the road after my youngest launches (which is several years down the road since they aren’t even in HS yet). So I’m not jumping to divorce. Geez.

But I’m not interested in staying in a miserable, sexless marriage for a decade like you did.

This seems like an unnecessarily harsh reply for someone who shared her painful experience with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:6 months is not that long. It was 7 years without—in my 30s—before I divorced. No way my marriage worked from the beginning and no chance.

Yes, yours seems not bad enough for divorce. Yes, it can be saved.

Only if it is a goal shared by OP's spouse.

And if OP's spouse chooses to exit, delusions about "I won't give up time with my kids" is moot, court will order 5050 even if spouse is having an affair. OP has VERY little control re: life and family life moving forward is the reality.

OP, get your ducks in order financially and consult with a lawyer. In case your spouse files first you don't want to be blindsided.

I just find it shocking that people are jumping to “can this marriage be saved” when they’re only has been a lack of intimacy for six months only out of all these years; it’s kind of ridiculous. It sounds like low tea or midlife crisis to me or something else or even a health condition or even erectile dysfunction.

It goes without saying, of course, both people have to wanna save it to have it be saved, but the general question of “can this marriage be saved?” is off…of course it can…Everybody knows it takes two people to save it.) this is not a post where there are dealbreaker, toxic problems that are long-term or something where people would assume of course it can’t be saved. It’s the opposite. This seems like a speed bump and maybe it’s not but I’m just surprised at the description in the post thinking it’s that dire after just six months of things being different.

So have you and your spouse gone more than 6 months without ever touching each other? Not even a hug?

And did your spouse essentially ignore you during those 6 months?

Zero happy conversations.

Just short responses to questions. Only engaging on a need to know parenting or house-related item.

I’m not talking about an otherwise happy or decent situation that simply lacks sex.

And, in hindsight, it’s been a few years of what feels like a slow roll towards the bottom.

If you have btdt, then please tell me how you improved the marriage. That’s why I posted.

Yes…for 7 out of 10 YEARS (no affection, no talking, no dates, no sex, no hugs, no relationship): I got divorced at year 10. I was not talking about just sex either. 6 months of a lack of relationship is not that long…when you get to 1.5 or 2 years with no improvement, that is when it is a death spiral.

Also, this could be a health issue: get a full work up including testosterone levels. Also, see a neurologist…behavior changes can be a brain tumor.

Jumping to the idea is divorce after only six months is mind boggling.

Well, I said I don’t want a gray divorce down the road after my youngest launches (which is several years down the road since they aren’t even in HS yet). So I’m not jumping to divorce. Geez.

But I’m not interested in staying in a miserable, sexless marriage for a decade like you did.

This seems like an unnecessarily harsh reply for someone who shared her painful experience with you.

+1

If OP’s husband is having an affair maybe I don’t feel so bad for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, 6 months -- you need to ride it out. It's almost odd that you have the extreme thoughts of ending your marriage, you displayed in your first post, after only 6 months.

DP-ride what out? In all seriousness. OP, get yourself a therapist if you don't have one. Take care of yourself. Trust yourself and your intuition.

In the (hopefully) long arc of a marriage, 6 months is nothing. Sure it feels like it at the time, but age, illness, employment, circumstances - everything changes and evolves. The vows are for better *and* for worse.

[Anonymous]

He needs to see a doctor, get a full workup, then the both of you do therapy. If he says no to this, I would highly rethink your NO to a gray divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here: I’m a woman, and my husband is the one whose personality has dramatically changed.

When I said earlier that I haven’t changed, I meant my personality hasn’t changed. His personality has changed; he went from easygoing and extroverted to really, really negative and angry. It’s noticeable to our kids and close family (mostly his family has noticed).

We are under a lot of stress at the moment, but he’s handling it very poorly.

If he’s cheating, I’m done. I really don’t think he is.

If it’s low T or a midlife crisis, then that’s workable. Hopefully.

To the posters saying 6 months is too soon to think about divorce, let me clarify: I’m not contemplating divorce right now (I’d never leave my kids) and I’d prefer to not divorce when the last one launches. While it’s been 6+ months of no physical contact at all, it was a year+ of minimal contact. None of this happened overnight. If I’m being honest, his personality changed a few years ago: developed a short fuse and basically wasn’t the fun guy I married a million years ago.

I never thought this would happen to us. We seemed solid and happy. Hindsight being 20/20, we invested too much in our kids and careers instead of our marriage. While we were always doing kid stuff/family stuff, we stopped doing anything as just a couple…aside from sex. That’s why losing the intimacy hurts so much.

I'm sorry, OP.

You could suggest date nights and see if he is receptive. Maybe go to a movie or play so there is something to focus on. See if you can reconnect.

Guys hate "date nights". That is 100% for women. Be very direct that you want sex and ask him what will get you there.