Can this marriage be saved?

[Anonymous]

OP, 6 months -- you need to ride it out. It's almost odd that you have the extreme thoughts of ending your marriage, you displayed in your first post, after only 6 months.

[Anonymous]

I didn’t immediately think affair but after I saw the replies I went back and carefully read OP’s post and saw how that makes sense. One big red flag for me is the “stress” excuse. I find that that’s the go to excuse when someone (including medical providers!) just don’t know what else to say. I don’t believe your spouse is stressed out and indeed it sounds like an emotional and physical affair.

I would give them an ultimatum. Maybe if they see you acting with self respect that will snap them out of this.

[Anonymous]

Menopause, low T, cheating or resentment. Resentment more for women that do everything than men

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Menopause, low T, cheating or resentment. Resentment more for women that do everything than men

This.

If it’s a man, it’s likely cheating. If it’s a woman, it’s likely resentment (and possibly also cheating—women cheat as exit affairs more than men do).

[Anonymous]

6 months is not that long. It was 7 years without—in my 30s—before I divorced. No way my marriage worked from the beginning and no chance.

Yes, yours seems not bad enough for divorce. Yes, it can be saved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone using “they”.
Strange.

Gender is fluid. Duh.

[Anonymous]

Could be ED too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this all directed at you OP, or have friends and family noticed a change?

OP?

And when they don't come to bed at the same time, what is it they are doing?

This is an interesting question. I am a night owl and spend hours on the computer although everything I am doing is aboveboard. So my browser history would definitely show what I am interested in. That would include what I am reading about, what I've been shopping for, what ridiculous medical fears I had last week, etc. (Basically everything Google uses to target you.) If you all share all your phone stuff, I don't think it's snooping at all to take a look at this for clues. Presence or absence of things isn't the point, it's looking for ideas on what is going on.

Going to therapy is an expensive intervention. Would be better if you can develop a better working understanding of your spouse's issues ahead of that.

[Anonymous]

Op here: I’m a woman, and my husband is the one whose personality has dramatically changed.

When I said earlier that I haven’t changed, I meant my personality hasn’t changed. His personality has changed; he went from easygoing and extroverted to really, really negative and angry. It’s noticeable to our kids and close family (mostly his family has noticed).

We are under a lot of stress at the moment, but he’s handling it very poorly.

If he’s cheating, I’m done. I really don’t think he is.

If it’s low T or a midlife crisis, then that’s workable. Hopefully.

To the posters saying 6 months is too soon to think about divorce, let me clarify: I’m not contemplating divorce right now (I’d never leave my kids) and I’d prefer to not divorce when the last one launches. While it’s been 6+ months of no physical contact at all, it was a year+ of minimal contact. None of this happened overnight. If I’m being honest, his personality changed a few years ago: developed a short fuse and basically wasn’t the fun guy I married a million years ago.

I never thought this would happen to us. We seemed solid and happy. Hindsight being 20/20, we invested too much in our kids and careers instead of our marriage. While we were always doing kid stuff/family stuff, we stopped doing anything as just a couple…aside from sex. That’s why losing the intimacy hurts so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:6 months is not that long. It was 7 years without—in my 30s—before I divorced. No way my marriage worked from the beginning and no chance.

Yes, yours seems not bad enough for divorce. Yes, it can be saved.

Only if it is a goal shared by OP's spouse.

And if OP's spouse chooses to exit, delusions about "I won't give up time with my kids" is moot, court will order 5050 even if spouse is having an affair. OP has VERY little control re: life and family life moving forward is the reality.

OP, get your ducks in order financially and consult with a lawyer. In case your spouse files first you don't want to be blindsided.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here: I’m a woman, and my husband is the one whose personality has dramatically changed.

When I said earlier that I haven’t changed, I meant my personality hasn’t changed. His personality has changed; he went from easygoing and extroverted to really, really negative and angry. It’s noticeable to our kids and close family (mostly his family has noticed).

We are under a lot of stress at the moment, but he’s handling it very poorly.

If he’s cheating, I’m done. I really don’t think he is.

If it’s low T or a midlife crisis, then that’s workable. Hopefully.

To the posters saying 6 months is too soon to think about divorce, let me clarify: I’m not contemplating divorce right now (I’d never leave my kids) and I’d prefer to not divorce when the last one launches. While it’s been 6+ months of no physical contact at all, it was a year+ of minimal contact. None of this happened overnight. If I’m being honest, his personality changed a few years ago: developed a short fuse and basically wasn’t the fun guy I married a million years ago.

I never thought this would happen to us. We seemed solid and happy. Hindsight being 20/20, we invested too much in our kids and careers instead of our marriage. While we were always doing kid stuff/family stuff, we stopped doing anything as just a couple…aside from sex. That’s why losing the intimacy hurts so much.

I'm sorry, OP.

You could suggest date nights and see if he is receptive. Maybe go to a movie or play so there is something to focus on. See if you can reconnect.

[Anonymous]

If you do therapy, if he is even willing, I'd suggest Gottman trained, it's evidence based.

https://www.gottman.com/about/the-gottman-method/

Does he have interests, hobbies, friends, OP?

[Anonymous]

OP, is there a reason you can't have a babysitter watch your kids so the two of you can just be a couple, go out and have it only be you two?

[Anonymous]

Perhaps plan a getaway with just the two of you. And I would try marriage counseling if he’ll agree. But it’s very hard if only one person is trying and the other is checked out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:6 months is not that long. It was 7 years without—in my 30s—before I divorced. No way my marriage worked from the beginning and no chance.

Yes, yours seems not bad enough for divorce. Yes, it can be saved.

Only if it is a goal shared by OP's spouse.

And if OP's spouse chooses to exit, delusions about "I won't give up time with my kids" is moot, court will order 5050 even if spouse is having an affair. OP has VERY little control re: life and family life moving forward is the reality.

OP, get your ducks in order financially and consult with a lawyer. In case your spouse files first you don't want to be blindsided.

I just find it shocking that people are jumping to “can this marriage be saved” when they’re only has been a lack of intimacy for six months only out of all these years; it’s kind of ridiculous. It sounds like low tea or midlife crisis to me or something else or even a health condition or even erectile dysfunction.

It goes without saying, of course, both people have to wanna save it to have it be saved, but the general question of “can this marriage be saved?” is off…of course it can…Everybody knows it takes two people to save it.) this is not a post where there are dealbreaker, toxic problems that are long-term or something where people would assume of course it can’t be saved. It’s the opposite. This seems like a speed bump and maybe it’s not but I’m just surprised at the description in the post thinking it’s that dire after just six months of things being different.