My marriage is going to break over the little things

[Anonymous]

NP - havent read past the first page
Ugh you sound exhausting. What's wrong with putting a plate on a sofa? Is the bottom of the plate dirty? I'm so confused. Werent you watching a movie while eating? I dont think it's that crazy that he set it down until the movie was done.
You seem really OTT and it wont be the little things breaking your marriage, it will be you, your pettiness and pickiness.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, OP, but you sound crazy.

[Anonymous]

The problem is that you are mad about the plate because of much bigger issues. But instead of addressing the bigger issues, you express frustration about the plate. Your husband, reasonably enough, doesn't think the plate is a big deal. So he's annoyed that you're making a stink about the plate, and you're annoyed about the bigger issues. Neither of you is getting the resolution you need, which can only come if you talk about the big issues and he is willing to have a better division of labor (or to pay for someone to do more of the labor). The current situation is toxic, though. Counseling may help you both.

[Anonymous]

I suffer from the same problem as OP. Conceptually I know it is wrong, but I am just tired of doing all the work and being underappreciated. The reality is that OP resents and probably doesn't like her spouse. I think the tip to act like it's your FRIEND that you LIKE is a good one. Sometimes I pretend like my husband is a coworker, so I speak to him more kindly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you come at him like that? It’s very accusatory. How about he honey, could you please put your plate in the dishwasher when you’ve finished?

What's your recommendation on how I should have responded?

You: Hey, can you put the plate in the sink?

Him: sure.

See how easy that is?

[Anonymous]

Do you have OCD, OP?

[Anonymous]

This all could have been avoided had you just asked him if he was finished eating then you could have just picked the plate up yourself.

The tug of war power play is what's going on in your house. Alpha female vs. Alpha male. LET IT GO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This all could have been avoided had you just asked him if he was finished eating then you could have just picked the plate up yourself.

The tug of war power play is what's going on in your house. Alpha female vs. Alpha male. LET IT GO.

Yes, this is so it and doesn't get talked about enough. Two people who always want to have the last word are going to have a lot of conflict.

[Anonymous]

You are wound way too tight OP. You need to have sex with your DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So I have OCD so tend to be super rigid about stuff in my own head. I have learned though in a successful marriage that I need to let a lot go and not hold onto it. Things that bug me don’t bug my wife ( 2 mom family). I would leave plate next to me on couch until I next got up. I wouldn’t leave if there all night though. Side leaves a plate of cup on the table next to couch all night and I see it in the morning. Drives me bonkers. Sometimes I put it in dishwasher sometimes I leave it and she does it later. I don’t pick a fight with her k er it though. It’s not worth it. I’m sure I do things that annoy her. You gotta be able to let go of these things OP

This is the way, OP.

Your kids are also being impacted by your behavior and will likely avoid you as adults.

If you want to be divorced, keep on this way. Kids will prefer dad's house.

Deal with your OCD or need to have the last word or whatever is the driver. Unpack your own family of origin dynamics around control. If I were DH I might look to leave, this constant picking at another adult is a signifier of contempt. According to Gottman research it is one of the 4 horsemen of divorce. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-contempt/ You may need meds. The way you woke up, still girded for battle is really outside the norm. If in peri or menopause your anxiety and thus need for control may have gotten worse. DH is not an appropriate target, see your doctor.

Get into couples counseling with a Gottman therapist, it is evidence based.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are on the same page with the big things that matter... finances, parenting, how to raise our kids, work/life balance etc. but I swear sometimes I feel like our marriage is going to fall apart over the little things. For example, last night we were watching a movie while having dinner since there was no school for FCPS today so we though it would be a treat to eat while watching a movie, something we dont usually do.

When the movie was over I noticed DH had put his plate on the couch after he ate dinner. I was shocked and said "You put the dirty plate on the couch?" He answered with "I didnt want to put it on the new glass coffee table and the plate is basically clean since we ate pizza so yes I left the plate on the couch." I asked why didnt he just quickly walk it over to the sink and he said "This is one of those things between you and I where we are just going to have to agree to disagree. You think putting the dirty plate on the couch is not ok and I do."

That was enough to ruin the rest of the night. After kids went to bed, DH and I went our different ways. I was so frustrated thinking to myself...Is he kidding me... you are going to double down and say that it's ok to put a dirty plate on the couch when the sink is around the corner? What kind of message does that send to the kids?

The thing is that this one isolated thing feels stupid but lately ... I'd say over the last year DH and I have these very intense disagreements over very little things and each of these is adding up.

This morning DH woke up as if nothing happened. When I shared with him my feelings he conceded that I was right. It's not about being right or wrong. It's about him doubling down on these almost meaningless things, not budging at all, telling me he doesnt want to talk about it because he feels a certain way and I do another and there is no way to work around it. It's not after there is a big blow up that he may concede that maybe he didnt go about it the right way.

I dont know... it all sounds so petty as I write it but the environment at home is just not what I had hoped for it to be. It is constant fights about stupid things and I am worn out. Every other day this week we have had a similar issue.

I dont see a way out of this dynamic we have. It's not big enough to go to couple's therapy but it's big enough that is impacting my day to day and this is not the type of home life I want to settle for. :::SIGH:::

It's evident that you're feeling overwhelmed by the dynamics in your marriage, but it's essential to gain perspective on your challenges. While disagreements over household matters may seem significant in the moment, it's crucial to recognize the privilege and relative ease of your circumstances compared to women in other parts of the world facing severe marginalization and abuse.

Spending time abroad or volunteering in places like Afghanistan could provide valuable perspective on the struggles faced by women in different cultural contexts. It's often through exposure to diverse experiences that we gain a deeper appreciation for our own blessings and a greater understanding of the broader world.

Consider reframing your frustrations within this broader context. While your concerns are valid within your own experience, they may pale in comparison to the hardships endured by women in more oppressive environments. This shift in perspective might help you approach your marital conflicts with a greater sense of gratitude and empathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are on the same page with the big things that matter... finances, parenting, how to raise our kids, work/life balance etc. but I swear sometimes I feel like our marriage is going to fall apart over the little things. For example, last night we were watching a movie while having dinner since there was no school for FCPS today so we though it would be a treat to eat while watching a movie, something we dont usually do.

When the movie was over I noticed DH had put his plate on the couch after he ate dinner. I was shocked and said "You put the dirty plate on the couch?" He answered with "I didnt want to put it on the new glass coffee table and the plate is basically clean since we ate pizza so yes I left the plate on the couch." I asked why didnt he just quickly walk it over to the sink and he said "This is one of those things between you and I where we are just going to have to agree to disagree. You think putting the dirty plate on the couch is not ok and I do."

That was enough to ruin the rest of the night. After kids went to bed, DH and I went our different ways. I was so frustrated thinking to myself...Is he kidding me... you are going to double down and say that it's ok to put a dirty plate on the couch when the sink is around the corner? What kind of message does that send to the kids?

The thing is that this one isolated thing feels stupid but lately ... I'd say over the last year DH and I have these very intense disagreements over very little things and each of these is adding up.

This morning DH woke up as if nothing happened. When I shared with him my feelings he conceded that I was right. It's not about being right or wrong. It's about him doubling down on these almost meaningless things, not budging at all, telling me he doesnt want to talk about it because he feels a certain way and I do another and there is no way to work around it. It's not after there is a big blow up that he may concede that maybe he didnt go about it the right way.

I dont know... it all sounds so petty as I write it but the environment at home is just not what I had hoped for it to be. It is constant fights about stupid things and I am worn out. Every other day this week we have had a similar issue.

I dont see a way out of this dynamic we have. It's not big enough to go to couple's therapy but it's big enough that is impacting my day to day and this is not the type of home life I want to settle for. :::SIGH:::

It's evident that you're feeling overwhelmed by the dynamics in your marriage, but it's essential to gain perspective on your challenges. While disagreements over household matters may seem significant in the moment, it's crucial to recognize the privilege and relative ease of your circumstances compared to women in other parts of the world facing severe marginalization and abuse.

Spending time abroad or volunteering in places like Afghanistan could provide valuable perspective on the struggles faced by women in different cultural contexts. It's often through exposure to diverse experiences that we gain a deeper appreciation for our own blessings and a greater understanding of the broader world.

Consider reframing your frustrations within this broader context. While your concerns are valid within your own experience, they may pale in comparison to the hardships endured by women in more oppressive environments. This shift in perspective might help you approach your marital conflicts with a greater sense of gratitude and empathy.

To summarize, OP has nothing to complain about because some men in some cultures consider women to be their personal property. I call troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This all could have been avoided had you just asked him if he was finished eating then you could have just picked the plate up yourself.

The tug of war power play is what's going on in your house. Alpha female vs. Alpha male. LET IT GO.

Women, just clean up behind the men in your lives as you have done for centuries. How had can it be?! (We wouldn't know because are too manly to do women's work).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it. It isn't just the plate on the couch (which is weird) it is the constant things that add up. It is never that one thing in life.

Was he drinking, even just a beer? I have seen this dynamic with a friend. One beer and he pushes back at everything--can't be wrong. Next morning he concedes he is wrong. Talk about getting old.

I do think that saying things nicely to see if you can turn the tide. Hey, do you mind putting the plate in the sink? A shame that we have to treat adults like kids.

Op here, thank you for reading it how I meant but clearly not how it is coming off. Yes, it's not just the plate on the couch, it is the constant things adding up.

OP most people couldn’t live with someone “correcting” them like that. Your DH is probably way, way more on the tolerant side than you think. You really are the problem here. If you think it’s going to break your marriage, it will only fix if you’re willing to do some hard work on yourself.

Our issues are NOT over me correcting him all the time. I shared one example, one thing that happened last night. It's much more than that. My point was that our disagreements are about little things. It's NOT about him doing things I dont like. That's not what our marriage is about. Our disagreements are about day to day things.

Everyone is coming out me... fine. You can say I am completely wrong in last night's situation, fine. What you dont see is the ridiculous amount of frustration behind that situation.

It's about me doing 90% of the work at home despite trying to have many conversations about how I need help because we both work full time but I am the only one doing laundry, doing groceries, packing kids lunches, making sure kids have what they need for school/activities, cleaning the home, doing ALL the things ETC. DH feels like he does his part but the issue is that there is way more than needs to be done. So it falls on me. ALL OF IT! We have had conversations about it, I even wrote him a letter once so I could calmly lay it all out. DH agrees with me, he agrees that most of the load falls on me but nothing changes.

SO yes... after coming home from a full week of work, and taking care of all the household stuff after work, I saw a plate on the couch and got frustrated.

What can be simplified, OP? What can be outsourced? What can the kids be involved in?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you come at him like that? It’s very accusatory. How about he honey, could you please put your plate in the dishwasher when you’ve finished?

What's your recommendation on how I should have responded?

I literally wrote it in the post, but you need to let stuff go.