DH says his success is my success

[Anonymous]

Oftentimes, when we don’t have enough to occupy our time, we start manufacturing problems just to feel something.

Have you considered picking up a new hobby, volunteering?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I met when we were in grad school. We were both ambitious and had demanding careers when we got married. We earned roughly the same when we had kids and over the years, I mommy tracked, moved to part time consulting and eventually became a SAHM of our three kids. DH’s career has soared and our kids are all thriving doing well in school, happy and social.

I recently didn’t go to my college reunion. It wasn’t a convenient time but more than anything, I think I’m embarrassed that I no longer work. DH is top of his field and earns a few million dollars per year. We live in a beautiful home in a highly desired area, have multiple vacation homes, etc. We live better and have more money than the majority of my old college friends. DH thinks I should be proud of my accomplishments because DH’s success is my success. I’m not sure how I feel about that.

Do you think your spouse and children’s success if your success?

I feel proud of them, but I do not think their success is my success.

I also went part time when my kids were little (and was a full-on SAHM for a couple years) but I'm working more now and I'm so proud of my accomplishments. On a completely different level than the accomplishments of my family members.

[Anonymous]

OP, consider yourself lucky. My husband just informed me that the money earned from his job is "his money" rather than ours, even as I have mommytracked my career so that our kids have one parent who is fully engaged in their lives. Be grateful your husband acknowledges your contribution to the family and to his career. Many men take it for granted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I met when we were in grad school. We were both ambitious and had demanding careers when we got married. We earned roughly the same when we had kids and over the years, I mommy tracked, moved to part time consulting and eventually became a SAHM of our three kids. DH’s career has soared and our kids are all thriving doing well in school, happy and social.

I recently didn’t go to my college reunion. It wasn’t a convenient time but more than anything, I think I’m embarrassed that I no longer work. DH is top of his field and earns a few million dollars per year. We live in a beautiful home in a highly desired area, have multiple vacation homes, etc. We live better and have more money than the majority of my old college friends. DH thinks I should be proud of my accomplishments because DH’s success is my success. I’m not sure how I feel about that.

Do you think your spouse and children’s success if your success?

Grow up! No one is stopping you from going back to work. Sounds like you have too much free time.

[Anonymous]

I am in this situation as well and I agree with my spouse--his success is shared and I OWN my half. He knows and acknowledges my sacrifices, and we are a great team. Anyone who says otherwise is simply jealous 😎

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And still, in the eyes of many other women, I don't measure up.

It is ultimately about this. However, by feeling we are measured up and down , we are measuring others up an down. The only way to end the cycle is to start by not judging others.

No one was judging OP - she was judging herself. She literally judged herself into not attending a reunion she wanted to go to.

The thing is - at the end of the day: who cares. People are too busy worrying about themselves to care about you that much, OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lady you are living the dream. Enjoy every minute and be proud.

Woukd you say the same if the roles were reversed ?

Be honest

I'd put it double if the roles were reversed!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just make sure you know where all the money is and how to access the accounts, and that you have access to sufficient funds to pay a very good lawyer up front should you ever are faced with your DH's idea of success has changed to include dumping the old for a new model.

This is so unnecessary, and your jealously is showing.

I'm not jealous, and it is necessary. I know that from decades of experience advocating for women and children in divorce and domestic violence situations where the entire world was pulled out from under them when husband decided to trade younger or sexier or whatever stupid reason he had.

It's ignorant to suggest that a woman in 2024 shouldn't be concerned about knowing the finances of her household and marriage and have at least in the back of her mind a plan in place to take care of herself, and any children who are still minors or subject to education support.

Poster you seem to have the naive view that a woman can assume her husband is good and faithful and always will be. I've seen firsthand hundreds and hundreds of times how a man can go from loving husband to cruel philanderer who wants to strip his children and their mother of as much financial support as he can get away with.

Always be prepared.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP -- I haven't read all the responses, but I totally get where you're coming from. His success is not your success. You shouldn't have stopped working, but now you have to live with that. Just remember this when you're giving young women/your daughter advice.

Exactly! Just remember to let your kids know that you regret spending so much time with them (even though you had more than enough money to do so) because they’re not worth bragging about at a college reunion the way some job you didn’t need would be…

Facts are in these setups with one power earner and one SAHP, one person gets to have all the parts of themselves fulfilled (intellect, personal ambition, career, parent, spouse) and the other one does not. This is fine if the SAHP genuinely does not have the sam level of personal ambition, but shaming people who do (which you are doing) also sucks. It's not about bragging. Women and men are allowed to value a career and personal accomplishments. Or not. This particular poster with what she is saying to us, she's not happy with her decision in the end. Which is allowed and isn't about anyone else but her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP -- I haven't read all the responses, but I totally get where you're coming from. His success is not your success. You shouldn't have stopped working, but now you have to live with that. Just remember this when you're giving young women/your daughter advice.

Exactly! Just remember to let your kids know that you regret spending so much time with them (even though you had more than enough money to do so) because they’re not worth bragging about at a college reunion the way some job you didn’t need would be…

Keep telling yourself that all working mothers are terrible mothers to make yourself feel better about staying at home. I know plenty of stay at home mothers who way less competent at parenting than full-time working mothers, sometimes because they're bored, other times because they feel unfulfilled. The best mother is someone who is confident in herself, feels gratified, is a role model, and is someone her kids can be proud of. It's not about how many hours of the day are you with your kid and whether you drive them to baseball practice or they carpool with a friend. But, again, keep telling yourself that the only good mothers are stay-at-homes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP -- I haven't read all the responses, but I totally get where you're coming from. His success is not your success. You shouldn't have stopped working, but now you have to live with that. Just remember this when you're giving young women/your daughter advice.

Exactly! Just remember to let your kids know that you regret spending so much time with them (even though you had more than enough money to do so) because they’re not worth bragging about at a college reunion the way some job you didn’t need would be…

Keep telling yourself that all working mothers are terrible mothers to make yourself feel better about staying at home. I know plenty of stay at home mothers who way less competent at parenting than full-time working mothers, sometimes because they're bored, other times because they feel unfulfilled. The best mother is someone who is confident in herself, feels gratified, is a role model, and is someone her kids can be proud of. It's not about how many hours of the day are you with your kid and whether you drive them to baseball practice or they carpool with a friend. But, again, keep telling yourself that the only good mothers are stay-at-homes.

The PP didn’t say or even imply what you are attributing to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP -- I haven't read all the responses, but I totally get where you're coming from. His success is not your success. You shouldn't have stopped working, but now you have to live with that. Just remember this when you're giving young women/your daughter advice.

Exactly! Just remember to let your kids know that you regret spending so much time with them (even though you had more than enough money to do so) because they’re not worth bragging about at a college reunion the way some job you didn’t need would be…

Keep telling yourself that all working mothers are terrible mothers to make yourself feel better about staying at home. I know plenty of stay at home mothers who way less competent at parenting than full-time working mothers, sometimes because they're bored, other times because they feel unfulfilled. The best mother is someone who is confident in herself, feels gratified, is a role model, and is someone her kids can be proud of. It's not about how many hours of the day are you with your kid and whether you drive them to baseball practice or they carpool with a friend. But, again, keep telling yourself that the only good mothers are stay-at-homes.

The PP didn’t say or even imply what you are attributing to her.

NP. Yes, the person did imply this. The implication is anyone who can afford it should stay home with kids as that is the preferred parenting setup. Lots of people could afford to have a parent stay at home and don't because they don't agree with this.

Also, please don't brag about your job OR your kids at a college reunion. Snore.

[Anonymous]

You should divorce him and take half.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP -- I haven't read all the responses, but I totally get where you're coming from. His success is not your success. You shouldn't have stopped working, but now you have to live with that. Just remember this when you're giving young women/your daughter advice.

Exactly! Just remember to let your kids know that you regret spending so much time with them (even though you had more than enough money to do so) because they’re not worth bragging about at a college reunion the way some job you didn’t need would be…

Keep telling yourself that all working mothers are terrible mothers to make yourself feel better about staying at home. I know plenty of stay at home mothers who way less competent at parenting than full-time working mothers, sometimes because they're bored, other times because they feel unfulfilled. The best mother is someone who is confident in herself, feels gratified, is a role model, and is someone her kids can be proud of. It's not about how many hours of the day are you with your kid and whether you drive them to baseball practice or they carpool with a friend. But, again, keep telling yourself that the only good mothers are stay-at-homes.

The PP didn’t say or even imply what you are attributing to her.

NP. Yes, the person did imply this. The implication is anyone who can afford it should stay home with kids as that is the preferred parenting setup. Lots of people could afford to have a parent stay at home and don't because they don't agree with this.

Also, please don't brag about your job OR your kids at a college reunion. Snore.

No it’s not what’s implied because you have messed up the order. OP already made the decision and stayed home. By definition she is saying that wasn’t as good as being able to brag to her friends about her job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP -- I haven't read all the responses, but I totally get where you're coming from. His success is not your success. You shouldn't have stopped working, but now you have to live with that. Just remember this when you're giving young women/your daughter advice.

Exactly! Just remember to let your kids know that you regret spending so much time with them (even though you had more than enough money to do so) because they’re not worth bragging about at a college reunion the way some job you didn’t need would be…

Keep telling yourself that all working mothers are terrible mothers to make yourself feel better about staying at home. I know plenty of stay at home mothers who way less competent at parenting than full-time working mothers, sometimes because they're bored, other times because they feel unfulfilled. The best mother is someone who is confident in herself, feels gratified, is a role model, and is someone her kids can be proud of. It's not about how many hours of the day are you with your kid and whether you drive them to baseball practice or they carpool with a friend. But, again, keep telling yourself that the only good mothers are stay-at-homes.

The PP didn’t say or even imply what you are attributing to her.

NP. Yes, the person did imply this. The implication is anyone who can afford it should stay home with kids as that is the preferred parenting setup. Lots of people could afford to have a parent stay at home and don't because they don't agree with this.

Also, please don't brag about your job OR your kids at a college reunion. Snore.

No it’s not what’s implied because you have messed up the order. OP already made the decision and stayed home. By definition she is saying that wasn’t as good as being able to brag to her friends about her job.

Not really. Why so harsh on this OP? Life is more complicated than this. She could be glad she stayed home with her kids and also be wistful about the road not taken and have feelings about it when in a setting with college peers.