Examples of modern monogamy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I've had two of those relationships in my life. The first with a gay man who was infatuated with me (a woman), the second with a heterosexual man who does not want to cheat on his wife. Both were more than friendships, but not physically sexual. Romance is the right word for it.

How did these relationships turn out for you?

[Anonymous]

My husband had a relationship like this, a long-distance romance with a woman who lives in UK. They met 8 years ago through his YT channel. He and I met 6 years ago. They became close, talking many days for years, romantic/sexual conversations among many other topics. I looked the other way because didn't feel threatened by her, and value the genuine friendship. But last week he and I got in a fight and I said "Look, say what you will, but I do consider it cheating even if I'm looking the other way. I wouldn't talk romance with a man because it'd feel wrong toward you." And as soon as I made it clear that have a problem with that relationship, he ended it, within 24 hours.

So I guess he wasn't cheating on me because he only had the friendship as long as no objections from me? And I feel bad that they broke up so abruptly on my behalf after almost a decade, when I was fine with it all along and then a sudden argument between DH and I and he just goes and ends it with her to prove his loyalty to me. I'll probably email and apologize to her, she's a good friend of his and it's not fair to her.

But if was tempted with such a boyfriend, I'd 100% consider it cheating on DH, no matter if he gave permission (and he wouldn't). I don't have romantic friendship outside my marriage. No way would believing there's a "monogamous" arrangement there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband had a relationship like this, a long-distance romance with a woman who lives in UK. They met 8 years ago through his YT channel. He and I met 6 years ago. They became close, talking many days for years, romantic/sexual conversations among many other topics. I looked the other way because didn't feel threatened by her, and value the genuine friendship. But last week he and I got in a fight and I said "Look, say what you will, but I do consider it cheating even if I'm looking the other way. I wouldn't talk romance with a man because it'd feel wrong toward you." And as soon as I made it clear that have a problem with that relationship, he ended it, within 24 hours.

So I guess he wasn't cheating on me because he only had the friendship as long as no objections from me? And I feel bad that they broke up so abruptly on my behalf after almost a decade, when I was fine with it all along and then a sudden argument between DH and I and he just goes and ends it with her to prove his loyalty to me. I'll probably email and apologize to her, she's a good friend of his and it's not fair to her.

But if was tempted with such a boyfriend, I'd 100% consider it cheating on DH, no matter if he gave permission (and he wouldn't). I don't have romantic friendship outside my marriage. No way would believing there's a "monogamous" arrangement there.

That’s interesting that you considered DH’s romance cheating but it never bothered you enough to do anything about it for 6 years.

[Anonymous]

I think there is a difference between connecting with someone of the opposite sex over life events and giving mutual emotional support vs talking sex and comments like "I love you." The latter is cheating even if nothing physical is going on

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband had a relationship like this, a long-distance romance with a woman who lives in UK. They met 8 years ago through his YT channel. He and I met 6 years ago. They became close, talking many days for years, romantic/sexual conversations among many other topics. I looked the other way because didn't feel threatened by her, and value the genuine friendship. But last week he and I got in a fight and I said "Look, say what you will, but I do consider it cheating even if I'm looking the other way. I wouldn't talk romance with a man because it'd feel wrong toward you." And as soon as I made it clear that have a problem with that relationship, he ended it, within 24 hours.

So I guess he wasn't cheating on me because he only had the friendship as long as no objections from me? And I feel bad that they broke up so abruptly on my behalf after almost a decade, when I was fine with it all along and then a sudden argument between DH and I and he just goes and ends it with her to prove his loyalty to me. I'll probably email and apologize to her, she's a good friend of his and it's not fair to her.

But if was tempted with such a boyfriend, I'd 100% consider it cheating on DH, no matter if he gave permission (and he wouldn't). I don't have romantic friendship outside my marriage. No way would believing there's a "monogamous" arrangement there.

That’s interesting that you considered DH’s romance cheating but it never bothered you enough to do anything about it for 6 years.

It's like OP said - DH's romantic friend mostly about friendship, which I think is very important, and wanted him to have that close friend. But when DH pushed my buttons in a fight, I was pissed and used the woman as an example of his hypocrisy. And that's when he immediately ended the internet GF relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think there is a difference between connecting with someone of the opposite sex over life events and giving mutual emotional support vs talking sex and comments like "I love you." The latter is cheating even if nothing physical is going on

Why the blanket statement? It’s cheating to you, and I can respect that. It’s not cheating to my DH, and I hope you can respect that as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband had a relationship like this, a long-distance romance with a woman who lives in UK. They met 8 years ago through his YT channel. He and I met 6 years ago. They became close, talking many days for years, romantic/sexual conversations among many other topics. I looked the other way because didn't feel threatened by her, and value the genuine friendship. But last week he and I got in a fight and I said "Look, say what you will, but I do consider it cheating even if I'm looking the other way. I wouldn't talk romance with a man because it'd feel wrong toward you." And as soon as I made it clear that have a problem with that relationship, he ended it, within 24 hours.

So I guess he wasn't cheating on me because he only had the friendship as long as no objections from me? And I feel bad that they broke up so abruptly on my behalf after almost a decade, when I was fine with it all along and then a sudden argument between DH and I and he just goes and ends it with her to prove his loyalty to me. I'll probably email and apologize to her, she's a good friend of his and it's not fair to her.

But if was tempted with such a boyfriend, I'd 100% consider it cheating on DH, no matter if he gave permission (and he wouldn't). I don't have romantic friendship outside my marriage. No way would believing there's a "monogamous" arrangement there.

That’s interesting that you considered DH’s romance cheating but it never bothered you enough to do anything about it for 6 years.

It's like OP said - DH's romantic friend mostly about friendship, which I think is very important, and wanted him to have that close friend. But when DH pushed my buttons in a fight, I was pissed and used the woman as an example of his hypocrisy. And that's when he immediately ended the internet GF relationship.

If he wouldn’t allow you the same, then yes, that would be hypocritical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I’m all for seeking support elsewhere.

It’s not fair to put the burden on just one person.

But don’t hurt your spouse, or bring back STDs.

Me again. I have a male friend who supports me and vice versa. We mainly text, but occasionally see each other in person. We are careful not to get physical, though. The relationship has a slight romantic edge I don’t have with other friends, male or female. It fulfills a need we both have, apparently.

Same here.
We've been friends for more than 20 years, and the relationship ebbs and flows. Nothing physical ever happened but when we were younger and single, people would comment that we had insane chemistry. IDK.
He went through something recently, and, I guess, his SO did not have the bandwidth to support him. I was the one to help him and we talked a lot. DH commented on the increased frequency of our communication, and I explained.

[Anonymous]

I somehow fill all these needs with same sex friendships. Why do you need someone of the opposite sex to tell you these things?

And I'm heterosexual

[Anonymous]

How is this different to an open marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I somehow fill all these needs with same sex friendships. Why do you need someone of the opposite sex to tell you these things?

And I'm heterosexual

Because there’s no element of romance in my same sex friendships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I somehow fill all these needs with same sex friendships. Why do you need someone of the opposite sex to tell you these things?

And I'm heterosexual

Why does it matter? I don’t click with many people and I happened to click with a guy who is now my friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I've had two of those relationships in my life. The first with a gay man who was infatuated with me (a woman), the second with a heterosexual man who does not want to cheat on his wife. Both were more than friendships, but not physically sexual. Romance is the right word for it.

How did these relationships turn out for you?

They bring mutual joy and psychological support while they last.

I'm in my 40s. I find that a disappointing number of people have a very black and white view of the world, informed by millennia of religious patriarchy. Until very recently, lineage was everything because there were no paternity tests and illegitimate children messed up inheritances and bloodlines. The medieval brain has trouble evolving to meet the technological inventions of today and modifying its mores to suit. Supposedly modern people, who are not religious and claim to be sociologically aware, still operate within the confines of a society that imposes a certain type of monogamy and view anything outside of that in a very negative light. Such as the posters who call everyone cheaters.

I see shades of grey. It's all on a friendship continuum. There are friends with whom you can settle down, marriage and kids, hopefully sexual compatibility. There are friends with whom you can have a romance. There are friends you value just for their platonic support. These friends can be male or female, or anything in between.

Love is not just reserved for your long-term home companion. Surely you have some type of love for all your friends, kids and treasured relatives, male and female, regardless of what specific type of relationship you have with them. You just need to be clear about what you want and respect what others want, notably the person who lives with you and has the greatest claim on your time and resources.

It's tiresome to be regimented in little boxes and be told by idiots that you can do X with your husband (say, catch a dinner and movie, go swimming, go on a road trip), but not with this friend, unless she's female, and then it's OK, and you can behave like this towards your sister, but not your brother, and definitely not your BIL. It's stupid and pointless. All coming from ancient strictures on sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I've had two of those relationships in my life. The first with a gay man who was infatuated with me (a woman), the second with a heterosexual man who does not want to cheat on his wife. Both were more than friendships, but not physically sexual. Romance is the right word for it.

How did these relationships turn out for you?

They bring mutual joy and psychological support while they last.

I'm in my 40s. I find that a disappointing number of people have a very black and white view of the world, informed by millennia of religious patriarchy. Until very recently, lineage was everything because there were no paternity tests and illegitimate children messed up inheritances and bloodlines. The medieval brain has trouble evolving to meet the technological inventions of today and modifying its mores to suit. Supposedly modern people, who are not religious and claim to be sociologically aware, still operate within the confines of a society that imposes a certain type of monogamy and view anything outside of that in a very negative light. Such as the posters who call everyone cheaters.

I see shades of grey. It's all on a friendship continuum. There are friends with whom you can settle down, marriage and kids, hopefully sexual compatibility. There are friends with whom you can have a romance. There are friends you value just for their platonic support. These friends can be male or female, or anything in between.

Love is not just reserved for your long-term home companion. Surely you have some type of love for all your friends, kids and treasured relatives, male and female, regardless of what specific type of relationship you have with them. You just need to be clear about what you want and respect what others want, notably the person who lives with you and has the greatest claim on your time and resources.

It's tiresome to be regimented in little boxes and be told by idiots that you can do X with your husband (say, catch a dinner and movie, go swimming, go on a road trip), but not with this friend, unless she's female, and then it's OK, and you can behave like this towards your sister, but not your brother, and definitely not your BIL. It's stupid and pointless. All coming from ancient strictures on sex.

THIS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hadn’t heard this term before another poster mentioned it in a recent thread, but realized after looking it up that I’m an example. In my case, I’ve been with DH for over two decades. My emotional needs in a romantic relationship have always been a bit more than DH would like to handle, and nearly 10 years ago, he agreed to let me have a primarily online BF who would take on some of that emotional caregiving.

It sounds crazy, I know, and if you think I’m trolling or proselytizing, feel free to ignore this thread. I’m just sick at home so not working today, bored as a result, and curious if any other DCUM-ers may wish to share their own examples of modern monogamy, fully recognizing that what works for one couple may not work for others?

This was not an example of modern monogamy. It is the example of a traditional open-arrangement marriage. A tale as old as time.