Examples of modern monogamy

[Anonymous]

I agree that the term “modern monogamy” is confusing. I think it sounds like OP has a loving, honest, and consensual marriage that works for them and their spouse but it doesn’t sound like monogamy to me. I think that’s totally fine and great for OP but I’m deeply confused about who created this term.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean by primarily online? You never get together for sex? You just text all day?

We’re long distance, so only see each other in person a couple times a year. We don’t text all day (even my emotional needs aren’t THAT high!), but do touch base via text most days. We might talk on the phone/FaceTime every week or two.

Hmm. With this limited amount of time I do wonder why your spouse can't fill this need every couple of weeks?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean by primarily online? You never get together for sex? You just text all day?

We’re long distance, so only see each other in person a couple times a year. We don’t text all day (even my emotional needs aren’t THAT high!), but do touch base via text most days. We might talk on the phone/FaceTime every week or two.

This sounds interesting. Do you talk about your marriage with him? And does this BF have a partner?

No judgment at all - just wondering what makes this relationship different than having a best friend. Is it flirty?

Yes, I talk about my marriage with BF, and yes, he has a partner as well. We are indeed best friends, but the relationship is not purely platonic.

This is ethical non-monogamy, or polyamory, not modern monogamy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had one as well but it flared up to a level that was untenable, they are missed terribly. The mistakes I made in the beginning by not drawing proper boundaries around our relationship caused its implosion. There was also some deception on my part with my primary which poisoned the entire thing from the start. I don’t foresee us ever reconnecting but if I am so lucky I would do everything in my power to do it right.

What you have sounds good, do you find yourself less likely to emotionally extend yourself with your husband? There has to be some cost to your primary relationship.

DH is actually more than happy not to be my primary emotional caregiver! Less work for him and more sex to boot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I’m all for seeking support elsewhere.

It’s not fair to put the burden on just one person.

But don’t hurt your spouse, or bring back STDs.

Me again. I have a male friend who supports me and vice versa. We mainly text, but occasionally see each other in person. We are careful not to get physical, though. The relationship has a slight romantic edge I don’t have with other friends, male or female. It fulfills a need we both have, apparently.

I am datinga man who has this type of relationship with a woman and I hate it. I need to break up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean by primarily online? You never get together for sex? You just text all day?

We’re long distance, so only see each other in person a couple times a year. We don’t text all day (even my emotional needs aren’t THAT high!), but do touch base via text most days. We might talk on the phone/FaceTime every week or two.

Hmm. With this limited amount of time I do wonder why your spouse can't fill this need every couple of weeks?

DH prefers not to do so. This was the solution we found to make both of us happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had one as well but it flared up to a level that was untenable, they are missed terribly. The mistakes I made in the beginning by not drawing proper boundaries around our relationship caused its implosion. There was also some deception on my part with my primary which poisoned the entire thing from the start. I don’t foresee us ever reconnecting but if I am so lucky I would do everything in my power to do it right.

What you have sounds good, do you find yourself less likely to emotionally extend yourself with your husband? There has to be some cost to your primary relationship.

DH is actually more than happy not to be my primary emotional caregiver! Less work for him and more sex to boot.

Sort of like bringing a date to a comedy show, she laughs her ass off associates it with him and he gets laid despite doing none of the work.
Interesting

This feels a little vacant, having my spouse maintain a deeply intimate loving relationship with someone else while leaving me with nothing more than her physical body in the living room doesn’t sit well with me.

Would you describe your marriage as fulfilling? Do you do nice things for each other, laugh, take trips, plan vacations and fun stuff in the future?
Do you and your husband find yourself at times clicking so well and enjoying each other so thoroughly that the need to be physical just takes hold of both of you? What I am imagining is you compartmentalizing and carrying on the real parts of love with your penpal and keeping your husband around for a reliable erection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had one as well but it flared up to a level that was untenable, they are missed terribly. The mistakes I made in the beginning by not drawing proper boundaries around our relationship caused its implosion. There was also some deception on my part with my primary which poisoned the entire thing from the start. I don’t foresee us ever reconnecting but if I am so lucky I would do everything in my power to do it right.

What you have sounds good, do you find yourself less likely to emotionally extend yourself with your husband? There has to be some cost to your primary relationship.

DH is actually more than happy not to be my primary emotional caregiver! Less work for him and more sex to boot.

Sort of like bringing a date to a comedy show, she laughs her ass off associates it with him and he gets laid despite doing none of the work.
Interesting

This feels a little vacant, having my spouse maintain a deeply intimate loving relationship with someone else while leaving me with nothing more than her physical body in the living room doesn’t sit well with me.

Would you describe your marriage as fulfilling? Do you do nice things for each other, laugh, take trips, plan vacations and fun stuff in the future?
Do you and your husband find yourself at times clicking so well and enjoying each other so thoroughly that the need to be physical just takes hold of both of you? What I am imagining is you compartmentalizing and carrying on the real parts of love with your penpal and keeping your husband around for a reliable erection.

DH and I do all those things you describe. I just want even more, and DH is good with BF supplementing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean by primarily online? You never get together for sex? You just text all day?

We’re long distance, so only see each other in person a couple times a year. We don’t text all day (even my emotional needs aren’t THAT high!), but do touch base via text most days. We might talk on the phone/FaceTime every week or two.

Hmm. With this limited amount of time I do wonder why your spouse can't fill this need every couple of weeks?

DH prefers not to do so. This was the solution we found to make both of us happy.

Did your marriage change over time, or did you marry him knowing he was like this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean by primarily online? You never get together for sex? You just text all day?

We’re long distance, so only see each other in person a couple times a year. We don’t text all day (even my emotional needs aren’t THAT high!), but do touch base via text most days. We might talk on the phone/FaceTime every week or two.

Hmm. With this limited amount of time I do wonder why your spouse can't fill this need every couple of weeks?

DH prefers not to do so. This was the solution we found to make both of us happy.

Did your marriage change over time, or did you marry him knowing he was like this?

Our circumstances changed as we got older - work, family, etc. occupying more of DH’s time and energy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean by primarily online? You never get together for sex? You just text all day?

We’re long distance, so only see each other in person a couple times a year. We don’t text all day (even my emotional needs aren’t THAT high!), but do touch base via text most days. We might talk on the phone/FaceTime every week or two.

Hmm. With this limited amount of time I do wonder why your spouse can't fill this need every couple of weeks?

DH prefers not to do so. This was the solution we found to make both of us happy.

And he’s okay with you sleeping with the other guy?

Did your marriage change over time, or did you marry him knowing he was like this?

Our circumstances changed as we got older - work, family, etc. occupying more of DH’s time and energy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To defend OP, it doesn't seem much different from having a good friend, just happens to be of the opposite sex. If emotional support means having someone who listens to you and provides thoughtful responses and good conversation, that is not cheating or an affair.

This is my question back to OP- how is this different than having a good guy friend?

[Anonymous]

OP you sound really weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To defend OP, it doesn't seem much different from having a good friend, just happens to be of the opposite sex. If emotional support means having someone who listens to you and provides thoughtful responses and good conversation, that is not cheating or an affair.

This is my question back to OP- how is this different than having a good guy friend?

The difference is that we’re not platonic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That is not modern monogamy. That is an affair. Grow up.

+ 1
Thinking the same. Somehow these cheaters have a high need to be called monogamous even though their marriage is a sham. The reason they are still in a marriage is not because there is any love in the marriage.