Women whose partner's make enough for them to stay home, why do you prefer working?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because I enjoy intellectual pursuits and career-related growth opportunities that contribute to a balanced feeling of fulfillment, in addition to the dimension of fulfillment that comes from being a mom and spending time with my kids. For some, it also reduces risk which is appealing (if the sole breadwinner is forced to stop working due to disability or other incapacitation, you have a backup plan). We’re at a place where one of us could quit but it kinda makes me sad to think about doing so (even though work can be a PIA at times, lol).

PP here again, just for context- I WFH, have great colleagues and a good degree of flexibility, including the ability to work part-time while keeping benefits (I currently work a 90% FTE schedule)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I knew I couldn't deal with being SAHM, I would go stir crazy. I enjoy contributing to society and extending my efforts and mental abilities to beyond that of a mother and wife. My DH helps a lot with childcare and home chores. We have cleaning service. When kids were younger, had nannies/babysitters in addition to kids going to daycare/preschool early on.

Sounds like feminism did its damage. I don't understand how so many women believe that being a corporate cog is more meaningful than being a mother.

Please explain why this rests with women and not men. Why are men allowed to find things other than fatherhood more meaningful?

Are you familiar with Adam and Eve?

WTF? There are no children or families in that story, so not sure what this is about…

+1

PP left her brain on her wedding alter. I hope she married at least a nice guy or she may find herself up $!i+ creek with a turd for a paddle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had what would be considered a rather prestigious finance job and quit to stay at home and be with my kids, close to 20 years ago. Here is my take.

Finances: I was sort of in a unicorn situation where I had family money and would have been fine if we got divorced, DH also had plenty of savings/family money, enough for us to be comfortable even if something happened to him. Me brining in my income (which was significant) wouldn't have made a significant difference in our lives. I could've also gone back to work if after a year or two I regretted the decision.

Personal: I was well educated, great at my job, and loved it. However, I would've rarely seen my baby if I'd kept working. Working remotely or part time was not an option. Times were different, this was in the early 2000s. I think if I'd been a few years younger, I would've gone this route. I worried about not feeling fulfilled, honestly, I didn't love all the aspects of taking care of small children. However, it was not all about me. I was doing what I felt was best for my family. We did not have any family around to help. AT. ALL. This was big and I think people underestimate how helpful it is to have someone who is around, even just once or twice a year, or in true emergencies. DH's job was very demanding and he wasn't around either. For posters that say DH pitched in cooking dinner every night, did laundry on weekends, etc., not everyone's job affords these options. I could hire whatever help I wanted to help me, and basically had a blank check. Many people bad or mediocre, some were good, and a few were excellent. It was really hard to find the excellent ones who were available all the hours I would've needed to have kept working myself.
Also, it turned out my kids had some learning disabilities and other challenges. That can completely change the situation too.

I relate to so much of this. Particularly how difficult it is not to have help in an emergency and difficulty finding a good nanny and housekeeper that didn’t require a lot of direction from me. Also, when you have a nanny, you have to account for *her* emergencies in addition to those of the kids.

[Anonymous]

Never want to fully rely on a man to support me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not the OP
But can we get more personal stories on why women in this category PREFER to work? I'm finding that interesting.

Can we please not do the whole risk man plan might die thing. We all know that. Everyone accepts risks differently. So let's eliminate that risk variable.

I don't stay home for the same reason a SAHM's husband doesn't: it's dull. I like spending quality time with my child, but realistically, most of the time is not quality time. When you stop breast-feeding, you spend your time cooking, cleaning and doing chores. A child also spends much of its time sleeping and not with you. Once it starts school, you're not spending most of the day with him at all. I love my child more than I love my job, but I love my job more than I love doing chores.

I do genuinely wonder what SAHMs do all day when their kids are at school?

I work 20 hours/wk, but most of my hours aren’t when the kids are in school. What do you want to know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people like working. It gives them an identity and purpose apart from family life. It’s also empowering to earn money yourself. None of this disappears when children are born.

And if you grow apart later, it’s good to have a current skill set in case you have to support yourself again one day. It happens.

I understand this. I liked my job too and it gave me a sense of purpose, but I had to re-prioritize my goals ad staying in the workforce made it difficult for me to have to do everything.

This will sound much meaner over a post than if we were speaking. But I don’t mean it in a mean way. OP, everyone comes to the table with different skills and strengths and talents. Some women who stayed in the workforce had stronger skills in the workplace and homefront which allowed manage both more easily than you were able to.

NP, this is such an obnoxious viewpoint. My doctor mom would say the same thing. But after being raised by a go-getter, do it all-er, who felt vastly superior to stay at home mom’s, I chose to be a stay at home mom myself. My mom didn’t do it all, she just thought she did. I’m the one who suffered from her ambition and narcissism and chose not to inflict my children with the same. Get over yourself, you’re not managing as well as you think you are, unless you’re part time or your spouse stays with the kids. Nannies are not parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Their husbands aren’t checked out of family life the same way it sounds like your husband is. So they have more help.

OP here. Men aren't as helpful around the house, at least not in my experience. They might cook or clean from time to time, but they're not as involved with their children and women are.

That’s your experience and why you are asking this question. Not all husbands are as checked out, even if they are high earners. That’s the difference between you and women who can keep working: they are married to better fathers.

You can’t do it all. Of course you are breaking. That’s reasonable. I’m sorry your husband isn’t a good father but it’s hard to suss that out ahead of time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had what would be considered a rather prestigious finance job and quit to stay at home and be with my kids, close to 20 years ago. Here is my take.

Finances: I was sort of in a unicorn situation where I had family money and would have been fine if we got divorced, DH also had plenty of savings/family money, enough for us to be comfortable even if something happened to him. Me brining in my income (which was significant) wouldn't have made a significant difference in our lives. I could've also gone back to work if after a year or two I regretted the decision.

Personal: I was well educated, great at my job, and loved it. However, I would've rarely seen my baby if I'd kept working. Working remotely or part time was not an option. Times were different, this was in the early 2000s. I think if I'd been a few years younger, I would've gone this route. I worried about not feeling fulfilled, honestly, I didn't love all the aspects of taking care of small children. However, it was not all about me. I was doing what I felt was best for my family. We did not have any family around to help. AT. ALL. This was big and I think people underestimate how helpful it is to have someone who is around, even just once or twice a year, or in true emergencies. DH's job was very demanding and he wasn't around either. For posters that say DH pitched in cooking dinner every night, did laundry on weekends, etc., not everyone's job affords these options. I could hire whatever help I wanted to help me, and basically had a blank check. Many people bad or mediocre, some were good, and a few were excellent. It was really hard to find the excellent ones who were available all the hours I would've needed to have kept working myself.
Also, it turned out my kids had some learning disabilities and other challenges. That can completely change the situation too.

Men who work see their kids rarely as well, and many women also have demanding jobs, but you never see men asked to justify their jobs. That's the issue with OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people like working. It gives them an identity and purpose apart from family life. It’s also empowering to earn money yourself. None of this disappears when children are born.

And if you grow apart later, it’s good to have a current skill set in case you have to support yourself again one day. It happens.

I understand this. I liked my job too and it gave me a sense of purpose, but I had to re-prioritize my goals ad staying in the workforce made it difficult for me to have to do everything.

This will sound much meaner over a post than if we were speaking. But I don’t mean it in a mean way. OP, everyone comes to the table with different skills and strengths and talents. Some women who stayed in the workforce had stronger skills in the workplace and homefront which allowed manage both more easily than you were able to.

NP, this is such an obnoxious viewpoint. My doctor mom would say the same thing. But after being raised by a go-getter, do it all-er, who felt vastly superior to stay at home mom’s, I chose to be a stay at home mom myself. My mom didn’t do it all, she just thought she did. I’m the one who suffered from her ambition and narcissism and chose not to inflict my children with the same. Get over yourself, you’re not managing as well as you think you are, unless you’re part time or your spouse stays with the kids. Nannies are not parents.

+100 found that incredibly obnoxious as well. Stronger skills on the homefront? If you're that smug it's unlikely you have the skills you think you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people like working. It gives them an identity and purpose apart from family life. It’s also empowering to earn money yourself. None of this disappears when children are born.

And if you grow apart later, it’s good to have a current skill set in case you have to support yourself again one day. It happens.

I understand this. I liked my job too and it gave me a sense of purpose, but I had to re-prioritize my goals ad staying in the workforce made it difficult for me to have to do everything.

This will sound much meaner over a post than if we were speaking. But I don’t mean it in a mean way. OP, everyone comes to the table with different skills and strengths and talents. Some women who stayed in the workforce had stronger skills in the workplace and homefront which allowed manage both more easily than you were able to.

NP, this is such an obnoxious viewpoint. My doctor mom would say the same thing. But after being raised by a go-getter, do it all-er, who felt vastly superior to stay at home mom’s, I chose to be a stay at home mom myself. My mom didn’t do it all, she just thought she did. I’m the one who suffered from her ambition and narcissism and chose not to inflict my children with the same. Get over yourself, you’re not managing as well as you think you are, unless you’re part time or your spouse stays with the kids. Nannies are not parents.

I have a lot of female friends whose moms were doctors and they chose to become doctors themselves. None are SAHMs. You had your experience but it's not universal.

[Anonymous]

New poster here:
- DH does about 40% of the household stuff. Laundry, grocery, most cooking.
- We have always made about equal salaries. Both currently over seven figures. Who wants to give that up?
- We both work from home.
- Only one kid. I mean, the kid stuff (driving too from the bus every day, some homework, a few extracurriculars) takes maybe 5 hours a week. Who needs to stay home for that? What are you doing all day?
- I love my job. I'm on a short list of probably 15 experts in a very hot field that's also socially important. People pay me $1600/hr for my expertise. I'm the most important person on every call I'm on. That feels great! The stuff I'm working on changes every hour.
- My kid is super proud of me. I've asked if he wishes I were around even more like Larlo's parent who comes for lunch 3 days a week (in 6th grade!!) and he's like, no way, you have the best of all worlds. He also loves telling people what I do.
- DH loves that I have a highly respected intellectual job. I think he really gets off on it. We always talk about our work. He would be super bored with a SAH wife, and has said as much. Sometimes I actually worry a little what happens when we retire!
- Staying at home is very unfulfilling for me. Sometimes I'll have a couple quiet days of work and I can feel the doldrums slipping in just that quickly. I need to be doing something, and not just spending money on pilates and PTO projects.
- DH and I are both looking forward to a well funded retirement when we've decided we've exhausted this phase of our lives. That will be around age 50 for me, 54 for DH. I have never understood marriages where women are okay not working for decades, while by necessity, their DHs have to keep working until age 67. How is this a partnership? Don't you want to contribute so you can both eventually retire?

Why would I quit??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I knew I couldn't deal with being SAHM, I would go stir crazy. I enjoy contributing to society and extending my efforts and mental abilities to beyond that of a mother and wife. My DH helps a lot with childcare and home chores. We have cleaning service. When kids were younger, had nannies/babysitters in addition to kids going to daycare/preschool early on.

Sounds like feminism did its damage. I don't understand how so many women believe that being a corporate cog is more meaningful than being a mother.

Please explain why this rests with women and not men. Why are men allowed to find things other than fatherhood more meaningful?

Are you familiar with Adam and Eve?

I am, as well as with the rest of the Bible- and it's abundantly clear throughout scripture that the man is to be actively involved in the raising of the children.

It's also clear that G-d does not take kindly to those who twist his word to manipulate and abuse others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people like working. It gives them an identity and purpose apart from family life. It’s also empowering to earn money yourself. None of this disappears when children are born.

And if you grow apart later, it’s good to have a current skill set in case you have to support yourself again one day. It happens.

I understand this. I liked my job too and it gave me a sense of purpose, but I had to re-prioritize my goals ad staying in the workforce made it difficult for me to have to do everything.

This will sound much meaner over a post than if we were speaking. But I don’t mean it in a mean way. OP, everyone comes to the table with different skills and strengths and talents. Some women who stayed in the workforce had stronger skills in the workplace and homefront which allowed manage both more easily than you were able to.

NP, this is such an obnoxious viewpoint. My doctor mom would say the same thing. But after being raised by a go-getter, do it all-er, who felt vastly superior to stay at home mom’s, I chose to be a stay at home mom myself. My mom didn’t do it all, she just thought she did. I’m the one who suffered from her ambition and narcissism and chose not to inflict my children with the same. Get over yourself, you’re not managing as well as you think you are, unless you’re part time or your spouse stays with the kids. Nannies are not parents.

+100 found that incredibly obnoxious as well. Stronger skills on the homefront? If you're that smug it's unlikely you have the skills you think you do.

Your posts are equally obnoxious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people like working. It gives them an identity and purpose apart from family life. It’s also empowering to earn money yourself. None of this disappears when children are born.

And if you grow apart later, it’s good to have a current skill set in case you have to support yourself again one day. It happens.

I understand this. I liked my job too and it gave me a sense of purpose, but I had to re-prioritize my goals ad staying in the workforce made it difficult for me to have to do everything.

This will sound much meaner over a post than if we were speaking. But I don’t mean it in a mean way. OP, everyone comes to the table with different skills and strengths and talents. Some women who stayed in the workforce had stronger skills in the workplace and homefront which allowed manage both more easily than you were able to.

NP, this is such an obnoxious viewpoint. My doctor mom would say the same thing. But after being raised by a go-getter, do it all-er, who felt vastly superior to stay at home mom’s, I chose to be a stay at home mom myself. My mom didn’t do it all, she just thought she did. I’m the one who suffered from her ambition and narcissism and chose not to inflict my children with the same. Get over yourself, you’re not managing as well as you think you are, unless you’re part time or your spouse stays with the kids. Nannies are not parents.

Did you also suffer from your dad's ambition? this why I hate the SAHM concept, because it seems that only women are expected to leave everything to raise their children.

[Anonymous]

I was able to work part time (about 12-16 hours) and spend time with my kid and keep my IT skills current. I also like my job and my team. I love my kid and lucky I was able to do bother.