DD claims I'm "ruining" her life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's something I realized with my kid, every time they are trying to make their point heard, I say they are whining or complaining. They are at the age where they are entitled to have opinions. You are objectively ruining her social life.

Inability to text is not the end of the world for kids who see each other on school and presumably the child can be reached through some other means. Facetime on iPad? Parent's phone for emergencies?

It's good for kids to understand first world problems are not ruining their lives.

Did you post this from your phone? Or did someone take dictation from a live meeting?

Obviously I posted from a phone. So what! I am a PP who recommended waiting. My kid got himself into a bit of a jam when he got his cell phone in spring semester of 8th grade. Nothing too horrible but the school counselors got involved and I didn't appreciate the drama. I also think my kids are a bit too sucked into their phones now. But boo hoo, they "need them" now for homework and logistics, so it's even harder to pry the phones loose as they get older.

I am an adult. I know what kids text about. I also know that a real friend makes accommodations to include friends whose parents are less permissive. For example, I was chill with it when my ultra-religious school friend's mom called my mom and interviewed my mom thoroughly about the nature of my 16th birthday party. My friend was super-embarassed about it but I viewed it as acceptable.

If somebody misses out on 6 months of random Youtube links and vacation photos and in-jokes, it's definitely not that big a deal. It's just not. These kids are together 5 days a week. Sometimes in extracurriculars with each other. Probably they all have school-issued Chromebooks and e-mails.

My younger child used video gaming and video game chat before he had a phone. That's another possibility.

It just is not that hard to call a phone that belongs to someone in the household and ask to talk to whoever. It's really not. I'm sure this sounds weird and difficult, but it's like dialing a telephone with a rotary dial. Seems weird now but was not hard to do.

14 year old girls are not just sending jokes and YouTube links. Texting is how they make plans. Not letting a 14 year old girl have a phone absolutely hinders her social life.

It seems like some of your points reflect your own growing up, which is so much different than what the norm is now. Kids just don’t talk on the phone as much as text now. And yes, they are in school together but if the OP’s school is anything like my kid’s, then she doesn’t really see her friends during the day because it’s so big.

Finally, making a kid call a phone that belongs to someone else is fine for a 10 year old. It’s pretty extreme for a 14 year old. If one of my DD’s friends called my phone to talk to her I would be really annoyed.

[Anonymous]

My 14 yo doesn’t have a phone, but he is on all the text chains, etc on his iPad. He also uses Discord for gaming chats. He doesn’t miss out on anything. He is one of 2 that doesn’t have a phone in 8th, but he doesn’t need one. He will get a phone when he starts to drive.

My 11 yo texts through my phone. None of his friends have phones either, but he goes to a classical Catholic school that runs conservative.

I think this is very dependent on your social circle. There is a lot of pushback on technology with my younger son’s school. They don’t use computers at all in the classroom. I strongly prefer that.

I find it telling that MANY tech execs limit their kids from technology.

[Anonymous]

What’s the reason for waiting until August?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a little pathetic the number of mommies on here that are obsessed with their daughter's social lives. Get your own lives, sweethearts.


*OP - you can get your daughter a smartwatch, gabb, or bark so she can text with her friends, which is what she really wants to do.

So lame.

Yes, totally lame the mothers who are trying to relive their teen years through their teenaged girls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have to disagree with the previous posters. I got my DD a phone at age 12. By that age, she was gaining more independence. Giving her the phone to text her friends allowed her to begin making plans with her friends herself, tracking her own calendar with practices, tutoring sessions and get-togethers, and allowed her to text me to pick her up when necessary. I think that a phone is necessary for a teenager to function in modern-day society.

I agree. It would be a different thing if EVERYONE didn't have a phone by 14. They do. It's part of life. Hell, secondary school kids often use it to check out Google Classroom or whatever and finding out what's going on with the school. For the same reason you check things on apps instead of sitting at your desk to use your computer every time you need to check something.

It's better to give it to her now and help her know limits and how to use it responsibly.

[Anonymous]

OP you can feel wonderful about your measured justification for delaying but this is unkind to your daughter. She IS being left out of social and learning experiences. No doubt there’s good and bad there but by pushing her out of what is very much the norm you’re adding a hurdle arbitrarily. Obviously since you gave one to her older sister it’s also setting up a situational standard.
A good thing about getting a phone for a MS kid is the age-appropriate oversight a parent has. While I personally believe a 16yo deserves a level of privacy a MS kid shouldn’t object to a parent seeing how phone is being used.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a little pathetic the number of mommies on here that are obsessed with their daughter's social lives. Get your own lives, sweethearts.


*OP - you can get your daughter a smartwatch, gabb, or bark so she can text with her friends, which is what she really wants to do.

So lame.

Yes, totally lame the mothers who are trying to relive their teen years through their teenaged girls.

How exactly is giving your teen a phone reliving your own teenage years? You sound bitter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t harm your child with a cell phone.

The harm has been done. OP is now in position of fixing that harm or doubling down on her controlling tendencies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A 14 year old who can’t text is limited in their social life. Because almost all the other 14 year olds communicate and plan activities independently via text.

You can make that decision as a parent that it is more important to delay the phone than to allow your 8th grader to participate in the social life with her age/classmates.

But don’t lie to yourself that you aren’t making that choice.

+1. I think you should acknowledge to your daughter that you are limiting her friendships in favor of other (maybe better things). She will still think it is unfair, but, at least you have acknowledged to her that you know it is limiting her social life.

OP, do you have friends without phones? Do you meet up with them regularly, do you communicate with them regularly? I am genx, I assume you are as well (or younger). I have lots of boomer friends due to a hobby I am involved in. We all communicate via text, a lot! I have one friend that doesn't text. It is a PIA, and it is easier to just not invite her when we are planning group things. Or she is the last person to know, and nobody has planned around her schedule.

I would get your kid a phone to match when her older sister got one. This makes sense as a "family rule."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 14 yo doesn’t have a phone, but he is on all the text chains, etc on his iPad. He also uses Discord for gaming chats. He doesn’t miss out on anything. He is one of 2 that doesn’t have a phone in 8th, but he doesn’t need one. He will get a phone when he starts to drive.

My 11 yo texts through my phone. None of his friends have phones either, but he goes to a classical Catholic school that runs conservative.

I think this is very dependent on your social circle. There is a lot of pushback on technology with my younger son’s school. They don’t use computers at all in the classroom. I strongly prefer that.

I find it telling that MANY tech execs limit their kids from technology.

I think it is easier for boys without phones. Many girls aren't into gaming. It is easier to monitor phones than it is to monitor discord IMO.

[Anonymous]

Once I realized my kid was being excluded because she didn't have a phone I gave in. Even real friends will exclude you. It's not their fault you refuse to use modern tech. Occasionally, if a parent interfered my kid would be included bc the parent reached out but you can't expect the kids to go out of their way to reach out to your kid.

Being a teen is hard enough why purposely sabotage the socially? Set boundaries and rules with the phone. Have confidence in your parenting skills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a little pathetic the number of mommies on here that are obsessed with their daughter's social lives. Get your own lives, sweethearts.


*OP - you can get your daughter a smartwatch, gabb, or bark so she can text with her friends, which is what she really wants to do.

So lame.

Yes, totally lame the mothers who are trying to relive their teen years through their teenaged girls.

How exactly is giving your teen a phone reliving your own teenage years? You sound bitter.

Have you read these posts about OP ruining her child's social life? As if that's the only thing you should care about for your child. Nothing else matters if they get left out of the popular girls events!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a little pathetic the number of mommies on here that are obsessed with their daughter's social lives. Get your own lives, sweethearts.


*OP - you can get your daughter a smartwatch, gabb, or bark so she can text with her friends, which is what she really wants to do.

So lame.

Yes, totally lame the mothers who are trying to relive their teen years through their teenaged girls.

How exactly is giving your teen a phone reliving your own teenage years? You sound bitter.

Have you read these posts about OP ruining her child's social life? As if that's the only thing you should care about for your child. Nothing else matters if they get left out of the popular girls events!

Did you get to use the house phone as a kid? The kids aren’t getting out of popular events; they are getting left out of all of them.

[Anonymous]

You don't have to get her a smartphone , you know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a little pathetic the number of mommies on here that are obsessed with their daughter's social lives. Get your own lives, sweethearts.


*OP - you can get your daughter a smartwatch, gabb, or bark so she can text with her friends, which is what she really wants to do.

So lame.

Yes, totally lame the mothers who are trying to relive their teen years through their teenaged girls.

How exactly is giving your teen a phone reliving your own teenage years? You sound bitter.

Have you read these posts about OP ruining her child's social life? As if that's the only thing you should care about for your child. Nothing else matters if they get left out of the popular girls events!

I have news for you-it’s not just the “popular” girls who have phones. They all have them. This is how teens communicate these days. Stop gripping your pearls and get with the modern times.