DD claims I'm "ruining" her life

[Anonymous]

I think it’s unfair you got your older daughter a phone at 14 and you aren’t doing the same for your younger. And I’m not a teen! So I imagine it feels pretty unfair to her, even though there are reasons. Get her the phone, and impose whatever restrictions kept your older daughter safe/not distracted at the same age.

I wouldn’t say “fine, you can have a phone!” Instead I’d surprise her with it for some event - got good grades, going away for weekend and want her to have it for travel, whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds like you have a good kid, and you're doing her a disservice with such an outdated POV regarding phones. Like it or not, that's how kids communicate now. Surprise her now.

+1- she is not wrong OP. I can’t think of a single 7th grade girl who does not have a phone. Some of the boys use Apple Watches but all of the girls have phones. This is at a Bethesda middle school.

[Anonymous]

Talk to her in an honest real way about how she sees lack of a phone impacting her life. If her friend group is using a common to them method to communicate that she does not have access to that is a real problem for a teen and should not be minimized. If her friends are simply texting you could get her something like a litephone - it allows calls and texts but not internet browsing or social media. If they are all using a chat app, you could let her use an iPad or something else at home with that app for agreed upon periods. I love the theory of not getting kids cell phones young, but I think 8th is the time when even families who were holding out provide phones and you are not doing her any favors excluding her for the ability to communicate. I think even the slogan going around was pledge to wait until 8th.

But, you do not need to go all in with a full feature phone either. Work with her to find a compromise where she can communicate with peers enough to be included in planning or group conversations and hang outs but where you also place limits on social media and other functions you may see as harmful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's something I realized with my kid, every time they are trying to make their point heard, I say they are whining or complaining. They are at the age where they are entitled to have opinions. You are objectively ruining her social life.

Inability to text is not the end of the world for kids who see each other on school and presumably the child can be reached through some other means. Facetime on iPad? Parent's phone for emergencies?

It's good for kids to understand first world problems are not ruining their lives.

The other kids are not going to go out their way to FaceTime or use the parents' phones. They coordinate via group chats. Some kids will just get left out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just get her the phone.

This. She's not wrong that all the kids have them. She's prob being left out. I'm not sure why parents want to die on this hill.

Give her the stupid phone but HEAVILY restrict it if you have concerns. Some ideas: no having it at bedtime, no snapchat or whatever you think is problematic, you have PWs, You have right to check the phone, etc.

It's not about "giving in." But sometimes there are thinks that really matter to teens and this is one. And other than some arbitrary rule, which did not apply to her sister, there's no reason she can't have one now. Or shouldn't. Delaying by 6 mos. is not going to prevent her from becoming a "phone zombie." But restrictions on the phone might (at least in the short term).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds like you have a good kid, and you're doing her a disservice with such an outdated POV regarding phones. Like it or not, that's how kids communicate now. Surprise her now.

Seriously. Why is she being responsible, etc. if you don't trust her or let her have some freedom? She's earned it, it sounds like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just get her the phone.

This. She's not wrong that all the kids have them. She's prob being left out. I'm not sure why parents want to die on this hill.

Give her the stupid phone but HEAVILY restrict it if you have concerns. Some ideas: no having it at bedtime, no snapchat or whatever you think is problematic, you have PWs, You have right to check the phone, etc.

It's not about "giving in." But sometimes there are thinks that really matter to teens and this is one. And other than some arbitrary rule, which did not apply to her sister, there's no reason she can't have one now. Or shouldn't. Delaying by 6 mos. is not going to prevent her from becoming a "phone zombie." But restrictions on the phone might (at least in the short term).

Yep. It's such a stupid thing to dig in on as a parent. Way to isolate your middle schooler and render her friendless, mom. Great job!

[Anonymous]

Get her the phone and work on using it responsibly.

[Anonymous]

I would tell her August but give it to her for Easter as a surprise instead.
Just because you don’t understand why she needs one doesn’t mean she doesn’t.
DD got one for MS and it’s how she communicate with her friends. It goes off at 930pm and charges in my room. She also doesn’t take it to school. Sometimes she talks to a friend about homework, or something they’re doing together at the weekend. You can create rules that work for your family but her having no way to communicate isn’t fair imo. It’s 2024 not 1983

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds like you have a good kid, and you're doing her a disservice with such an outdated POV regarding phones. Like it or not, that's how kids communicate now. Surprise her now.

+1

[Anonymous]

DD is right and you are a wrong. This is how kids communicate like it or not.

I have a 13 year old. She has a phone, no social media, doesn't take it to school unless she is staying late after for something, stays downstairs on charger and not in her room at night, we have the right to read her texts, which she knows (we don't read them all anymore, we did when she was 11, maybe once every couple weeks glance a little), and we don't let it be in the same room when she's doing homework. She can check it during breaks.

You can implement rules, but she needs to communicate with friends. My 6th grader has a phone too- all her friends have a phone or ipad for texting. At that age the ipad is fine too, and those without a phone are not judged, but it sounds like your kid doesn't have any way of texting with friends?!? Not even an ipad? That is way behind in this day and age.

[Anonymous]

8th grade is definitely when the families that are holdouts agree to phones (the whole “wait until 8th” movement). I hate smartphones but agreed to them in 8th grade because my kids genuinely were missing out on so much socializing.

That said, my kids are in Catholic school, and there are still some kids from more conservative families without smartphones. None of their public school friends are without phones - most got them in 5th or 6th grade.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have to disagree with the previous posters. I got my DD a phone at age 12. By that age, she was gaining more independence. Giving her the phone to text her friends allowed her to begin making plans with her friends herself, tracking her own calendar with practices, tutoring sessions and get-togethers, and allowed her to text me to pick her up when necessary. I think that a phone is necessary for a teenager to function in modern-day society.

I agree with all of this. It seems cruel to keep such a vital piece of communication away from a teenager. Are you still setting up "playdates" for her?

At this point it is forbidden fruit and you may win the battle, but you are losing the war. Give her a damn phone.

[Anonymous]

Get a her a damm phone, OP. She needs one.

My teens are 18 (college) and 13 and have never been addicted to their phones. They're bookworms. They're excellent students. Kids have got to learn to navigate the internet, social media and socialization from within the safety of their home, while they're still with their parents. Don't wait until she's the odd one out in high school to get her a phone.

And you have to keep your tendency for control-freakiness under control!!!

Seriously. What a loser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's something I realized with my kid, every time they are trying to make their point heard, I say they are whining or complaining. They are at the age where they are entitled to have opinions. You are objectively ruining her social life.

Inability to text is not the end of the world for kids who see each other on school and presumably the child can be reached through some other means. Facetime on iPad? Parent's phone for emergencies?

It's good for kids to understand first world problems are not ruining their lives.

The other kids are not going to go out their way to FaceTime or use the parents' phones. They coordinate via group chats. Some kids will just get left out.

Op will be back here because dd's friends dropped her because none of them use elementary school communication methods.