DD claims I'm "ruining" her life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's a little pathetic the number of mommies on here that are obsessed with their daughter's social lives. Get your own lives, sweethearts.


*OP - you can get your daughter a smartwatch, gabb, or bark so she can text with her friends, which is what she really wants to do.

So lame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take the heat and don't cave in. Too many kids are turning into phone zombies. She'll thank you when she's older.

Lol or it becomes a lifelong point of contention that it ruined her social life and was unfair the rules were different for her sister.

100% this. If you think for a second that she will ever forget how she was treated unfairly from her sister, you are mistaken.

For this and several other reasons, not providing a phone to an 8th-grade, 14-year-old when you have the means is a very bad decision. it feels like you want to deprive her just because you can.

It's a weird power play and I see this a lot on DCUM especially with the teens.

Because a lot of educated, wealthy parents on here became that way thanks to perfectionist, hyper-controlling traits. Sadly that can translate into control-freak parenting where perfect becomes the enemy of good. My husband is like this. I temper his control-freak tendencies and that's how our kids are growing up relatively normally. If he was the only parent, they'd have run away by now.

GET THE DAMM PHONE.

And yet here they are combining out on their phones tripping over themselves to explain why it's OK for them to spend the day chatting with anonymous strangers and trolls, but DD mustn't chat with her real life friends.

It's just narcissism. Rules for thee but not for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s unfair you got your older daughter a phone at 14 and you aren’t doing the same for your younger. And I’m not a teen! So I imagine it feels pretty unfair to her, even though there are reasons. Get her the phone, and impose whatever restrictions kept your older daughter safe/not distracted at the same age.

I wouldn’t say “fine, you can have a phone!” Instead I’d surprise her with it for some event - got good grades, going away for weekend and want her to have it for travel, whatever.

It make a far stronger impression for OP to model mature behavior by apologizing for her mistakez than to embarrass herself by trying to pretend she had some genius plan for withholding the communication device.

[Anonymous]

Don’t harm your child with a cell phone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's something I realized with my kid, every time they are trying to make their point heard, I say they are whining or complaining. They are at the age where they are entitled to have opinions. You are objectively ruining her social life.

My kid is the only person in my life who is required to agree with my every whim. Even my spouse refuses. Why should I give up the one aspect of my life where I have absolutely power and control to feel like the boss?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's something I realized with my kid, every time they are trying to make their point heard, I say they are whining or complaining. They are at the age where they are entitled to have opinions. You are objectively ruining her social life.

Inability to text is not the end of the world for kids who see each other on school and presumably the child can be reached through some other means. Facetime on iPad? Parent's phone for emergencies?

It's good for kids to understand first world problems are not ruining their lives.

Did you post this from your phone? Or did someone take dictation from a live meeting?

[Anonymous]

Most kids get a phone in 6th or 7th grade. I imagine the exclusion your daughter is beginning to feel is intense. I think waiting until freshman year is too late. I want my kids ot have a phone (or at least a watch) where I can reach and track them.

[Anonymous]

It is very unusual not to have a phone at her age.

My DD had a friend like this in middle school- it was expected that friends text or call the girl’s MOM’s cell phone if they wanted to chat or make plans. Extremely awkward for all. Unfortunately, the girl ended up being left out of a lot of plans. An iPad she could text from would’ve been a great help, but she didn’t have that either.

I really do not see the point of this. I spent a lot of time on the phone with my friends during middle school…how is this different? My parents didn’t restrict my phone time as long as homework and chores were done (and no one else in the house needed to use the phone of course). With parental controls in place (no app downloading without permission, no internet browser) a cell phone is just a phone. They can call and text - that is pretty much it, if you want it that way.

Even schools assume they have all have phones- and various things are structured around that, the older they get.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s unfair you got your older daughter a phone at 14 and you aren’t doing the same for your younger. And I’m not a teen! So I imagine it feels pretty unfair to her, even though there are reasons. Get her the phone, and impose whatever restrictions kept your older daughter safe/not distracted at the same age.

I wouldn’t say “fine, you can have a phone!” Instead I’d surprise her with it for some event - got good grades, going away for weekend and want her to have it for travel, whatever.

It make a far stronger impression for OP to model mature behavior by apologizing for her mistakez than to embarrass herself by trying to pretend she had some genius plan for withholding the communication device.

Right? Why does it have to be a surprise or for a special occasion?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's something I realized with my kid, every time they are trying to make their point heard, I say they are whining or complaining. They are at the age where they are entitled to have opinions. You are objectively ruining her social life.

Inability to text is not the end of the world for kids who see each other on school and presumably the child can be reached through some other means. Facetime on iPad? Parent's phone for emergencies?

It's good for kids to understand first world problems are not ruining their lives.

Did you post this from your phone? Or did someone take dictation from a live meeting?

Obviously I posted from a phone. So what! I am a PP who recommended waiting. My kid got himself into a bit of a jam when he got his cell phone in spring semester of 8th grade. Nothing too horrible but the school counselors got involved and I didn't appreciate the drama. I also think my kids are a bit too sucked into their phones now. But boo hoo, they "need them" now for homework and logistics, so it's even harder to pry the phones loose as they get older.

I am an adult. I know what kids text about. I also know that a real friend makes accommodations to include friends whose parents are less permissive. For example, I was chill with it when my ultra-religious school friend's mom called my mom and interviewed my mom thoroughly about the nature of my 16th birthday party. My friend was super-embarassed about it but I viewed it as acceptable.

If somebody misses out on 6 months of random Youtube links and vacation photos and in-jokes, it's definitely not that big a deal. It's just not. These kids are together 5 days a week. Sometimes in extracurriculars with each other. Probably they all have school-issued Chromebooks and e-mails.

My younger child used video gaming and video game chat before he had a phone. That's another possibility.

It just is not that hard to call a phone that belongs to someone in the household and ask to talk to whoever. It's really not. I'm sure this sounds weird and difficult, but it's like dialing a telephone with a rotary dial. Seems weird now but was not hard to do.

[Anonymous]

I guess, what is your point in saying no? And did your own parents control how you communicated with friends so much at age 14?

I understand the ills of social media. But kids are in group and individual texts all the time. How is your daughter supposed to participate, and what is the benefit to her of not participating?

You only have 4 more years with her at home. What do you want to teach her during that time?

I personally would apologize, say you’ve reevaluated , and get her the phone. You can tell her she needs to voice frustration more responsibly, but honestly in this case, you were also really immature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take the heat and don't cave in. Too many kids are turning into phone zombies. She'll thank you when she's older.

Lol or it becomes a lifelong point of contention that it ruined her social life and was unfair the rules were different for her sister.

100% this. If you think for a second that she will ever forget how she was treated unfairly from her sister, you are mistaken.

For this and several other reasons, not providing a phone to an 8th-grade, 14-year-old when you have the means is a very bad decision. it feels like you want to deprive her just because you can.

Exactly this. Why are you digging your heels in on no phone?

[Anonymous]

Limit usage but get her a phone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Limit usage but get her a phone.

I agree with this. You can restrict her to ten minutes a day and watch while she uses it. You can restrict who she texts, and you can read every text over her shoulder. You can tell her no social media and no apps. But get her a phone.

In middle school our school expected phones for class trios etc. By ninth grade they were taking attendance and submitting assignments on phones. You are hurting much more than her social life. She needs to know how to use the phone and learn the conventions of texting. It is your job to teach her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Limit usage but get her a phone.

I agree with this. You can restrict her to ten minutes a day and watch while she uses it. You can restrict who she texts, and you can read every text over her shoulder. You can tell her no social media and no apps. But get her a phone.

In middle school our school expected phones for class trios etc. By ninth grade they were taking attendance and submitting assignments on phones. You are hurting much more than her social life. She needs to know how to use the phone and learn the conventions of texting. It is your job to teach her.

Limit to 10 mins a day and watch her using it? Way to totally alienate your kid.