The helicopter parents won - a look back

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sending my youngest to college next year. He got into a good school early addmission and all of my kids did well. But as I look back on this parenting experience it occurs to me that the kids with the fanaticaly involved parents did the best - academically and athletically.

When the kids were in early elementary school, I remember shaking my head as my fellow parents talked about advanced math tutoring for their kindergartener or plotting to get their second grader on the most competitive travel team. At the time it seemed so silly to chart out the life of a kid who still needed naps. However, looking at those kids now - those are the kids who are going on to play sports at top colleges.

My takeaway is that even if you are a committed free range parent - your kid is in a competitive environment competing for scarce opportunities to go to top schools and play for competitive school teams.

I’m not unhappy about how my kids turned out or their experience in high School. But I don’t think I realized the the decision not to push advanced math in grade school meant a diminished opportunity to go to Tech or UMD. I definitely didn’t realize that only doing town baseball (and not travel) meant that they wouldn’t make the highschool team.

It not like my kids were slouches. They played on at least one rec team every season. Swim team in the summer and got good grades and scores on standardized tests.

But I can’t shake the feeling that I’ve pushed harder our results would’ve been much better.

Yes to the bold. If any of this matters to parents, and the children have the capacity and capability (the latter are super important, critical), there needs to be a plan. If the children do not have the capacity and capability, they no amount of pushing would advance them. They key I think is knowing your kid and understanding their potential, and then lining up the opportunities accordingly.

I haven't gotten far in this thread but it seems sick.
So the two measurements of good parenting are these successful outcomes: 1) college acceptances 2) playing sports at a college (related to 1)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sending my youngest to college next year. He got into a good school early addmission and all of my kids did well. But as I look back on this parenting experience it occurs to me that the kids with the fanaticaly involved parents did the best - academically and athletically.

When the kids were in early elementary school, I remember shaking my head as my fellow parents talked about advanced math tutoring for their kindergartener or plotting to get their second grader on the most competitive travel team. At the time it seemed so silly to chart out the life of a kid who still needed naps. However, looking at those kids now - those are the kids who are going on to play sports at top colleges.

My takeaway is that even if you are a committed free range parent - your kid is in a competitive environment competing for scarce opportunities to go to top schools and play for competitive school teams.

I’m not unhappy about how my kids turned out or their experience in high School. But I don’t think I realized the the decision not to push advanced math in grade school meant a diminished opportunity to go to Tech or UMD. I definitely didn’t realize that only doing town baseball (and not travel) meant that they wouldn’t make the highschool team.

It not like my kids were slouches. They played on at least one rec team every season. Swim team in the summer and got good grades and scores on standardized tests.

But I can’t shake the feeling that I’ve pushed harder our results would’ve been much better.

Yes to the bold. If any of this matters to parents, and the children have the capacity and capability (the latter are super important, critical), there needs to be a plan. If the children do not have the capacity and capability, they no amount of pushing would advance them. They key I think is knowing your kid and understanding their potential, and then lining up the opportunities accordingly.

I haven't gotten far in this thread but it seems sick.
So the two measurements of good parenting are these successful outcomes: 1) college acceptances 2) playing sports at a college (related to 1)

This is DCUM. Those are literally the only 2 things that matter.

[Anonymous]

This has to be a troll

Being a DCUMer means personally knowing and working with people who weren’t very especially bright who went to Brown and Duke but are from extremely wealthy backgrounds who did “fine” in their careers.

My smartest coworkers went to U. South Carolina and another went to a regional fine art school. We don’t work in art, by the way. They are smart and self-directed in a way that can’t be trained, practiced, or bought.

Smart people live the lives of smart people, rich people live the lives of rich people, and sometimes being smart and rich intersects.

Oh, and lol to the poster who said only a select percentage of D1 football and basketball players have career paths in front of them. On the contrary. People like to hire the star of the nowhere-ville D3 tennis team, just like how people like to hire Marines — the background conveys discipline and fair or not, their is a bias in favor of the physically fit.

[Anonymous]

Parents have no idea what other competitive parents are doing, largely because the extra benefits are kept secret. For example: at my kid’s school, the highest readers in Kindergarten are pulled out to read with 1st graders. It is only five kids and the other parents don’t know about it. That group of children invariably test the highest in math, so they are eligible for math team, and then compact math in middle school. All it takes is a little extra reading and math early on (like preschool) and they get all these extra benefits long term.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parents who played D1 sports in college gave kids who play D1 sports in college…
Generally

This is true in my family. Grandad played D1 football. Daughter played D3 softball because no such thing as girl -> college football at the time.

Grandson (her son) ... back to D1 football.

That grandson has been internally driven since he was 4 years old, fwiw. Appropo the conversation about pressure vs. internal drive

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sending my youngest to college next year. He got into a good school early addmission and all of my kids did well. But as I look back on this parenting experience it occurs to me that the kids with the fanaticaly involved parents did the best - academically and athletically.

When the kids were in early elementary school, I remember shaking my head as my fellow parents talked about advanced math tutoring for their kindergartener or plotting to get their second grader on the most competitive travel team. At the time it seemed so silly to chart out the life of a kid who still needed naps. However, looking at those kids now - those are the kids who are going on to play sports at top colleges.

My takeaway is that even if you are a committed free range parent - your kid is in a competitive environment competing for scarce opportunities to go to top schools and play for competitive school teams.

I’m not unhappy about how my kids turned out or their experience in high School. But I don’t think I realized the the decision not to push advanced math in grade school meant a diminished opportunity to go to Tech or UMD. I definitely didn’t realize that only doing town baseball (and not travel) meant that they wouldn’t make the highschool team.

It not like my kids were slouches. They played on at least one rec team every season. Swim team in the summer and got good grades and scores on standardized tests.

But I can’t shake the feeling that I’ve pushed harder our results would’ve been much better.

Yes to the bold. If any of this matters to parents, and the children have the capacity and capability (the latter are super important, critical), there needs to be a plan. If the children do not have the capacity and capability, they no amount of pushing would advance them. They key I think is knowing your kid and understanding their potential, and then lining up the opportunities accordingly.

I haven't gotten far in this thread but it seems sick.
So the two measurements of good parenting are these successful outcomes: 1) college acceptances 2) playing sports at a college (related to 1)

No. Good parenting means making the most of your kid's potential. Your kid may not have what it takes to get into college or play sports at any level, so obviously those can't be measures. The measurement of success is whether you as a parent figured out what your kid's potential was, and whether you helped your kid achieve that. For some kids, their max potential is just to be nice people, and if you've taught them how to be nice, then you've achieved success.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sending my youngest to college next year. He got into a good school early addmission and all of my kids did well. But as I look back on this parenting experience it occurs to me that the kids with the fanaticaly involved parents did the best - academically and athletically.

When the kids were in early elementary school, I remember shaking my head as my fellow parents talked about advanced math tutoring for their kindergartener or plotting to get their second grader on the most competitive travel team. At the time it seemed so silly to chart out the life of a kid who still needed naps. However, looking at those kids now - those are the kids who are going on to play sports at top colleges.

My takeaway is that even if you are a committed free range parent - your kid is in a competitive environment competing for scarce opportunities to go to top schools and play for competitive school teams.

I’m not unhappy about how my kids turned out or their experience in high School. But I don’t think I realized the the decision not to push advanced math in grade school meant a diminished opportunity to go to Tech or UMD. I definitely didn’t realize that only doing town baseball (and not travel) meant that they wouldn’t make the highschool team.

It not like my kids were slouches. They played on at least one rec team every season. Swim team in the summer and got good grades and scores on standardized tests.

But I can’t shake the feeling that I’ve pushed harder our results would’ve been much better.

Yes to the bold. If any of this matters to parents, and the children have the capacity and capability (the latter are super important, critical), there needs to be a plan. If the children do not have the capacity and capability, they no amount of pushing would advance them. They key I think is knowing your kid and understanding their potential, and then lining up the opportunities accordingly.

I haven't gotten far in this thread but it seems sick.
So the two measurements of good parenting are these successful outcomes: 1) college acceptances 2) playing sports at a college (related to 1)

No. Good parenting means making the most of your kid's potential. Your kid may not have what it takes to get into college or play sports at any level, so obviously those can't be measures. The measurement of success is whether you as a parent figured out what your kid's potential was, and whether you helped your kid achieve that. For some kids, their max potential is just to be nice people, and if you've taught them how to be nice, then you've achieved success.

+1. As special needs parents know, some kids will never function independently as adults. Yet the parents' job remains to make the most of the life these kids have because every life is precious. If they've done that, that's success.

[Anonymous]

The OP is a "snowplow parent" trying to puff up her way of parenting, but couching it in a fictional tale of a laid back parent who regrets not being a snowplow. Actual laid back parents don't write this way because they don't see sucess the same way snowplows do.

[Anonymous]

I am an extremely involved parent but I do not consider myself a helicopter parent. I have 3 kids so my time is limited for each kid. At the same time, we demand academic excellence. I let my kids try many different sports and activities and let them choose what they want and we support them as we see fit.

DH and I are well educated, attended top colleges and ivy grad schools. We hope and expect our kids will follow in our footsteps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The OP is a "snowplow parent" trying to puff up her way of parenting, but couching it in a fictional tale of a laid back parent who regrets not being a snowplow. Actual laid back parents don't write this way because they don't see sucess the same way snowplows do.

You are clearly a troll. And although I know better I can’t help but ask what did the op write that indicates they are a snow plow parent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The OP is a "snowplow parent" trying to puff up her way of parenting, but couching it in a fictional tale of a laid back parent who regrets not being a snowplow. Actual laid back parents don't write this way because they don't see sucess the same way snowplows do.

Huh? OP is admitting they should not have been laid back. It's called regret. She would do it differently given another chance. So, yeah she's not laid back that's the point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parents have no idea what other competitive parents are doing, largely because the extra benefits are kept secret. For example: at my kid’s school, the highest readers in Kindergarten are pulled out to read with 1st graders. It is only five kids and the other parents don’t know about it. That group of children invariably test the highest in math, so they are eligible for math team, and then compact math in middle school. All it takes is a little extra reading and math early on (like preschool) and they get all these extra benefits long term.

This makes no sense. If you are weak at reading or math, being in advanced reading or math class hurts, not helps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am an extremely involved parent but I do not consider myself a helicopter parent. I have 3 kids so my time is limited for each kid. At the same time, we demand academic excellence. I let my kids try many different sports and activities and let them choose what they want and we support them as we see fit.

DH and I are well educated, attended top colleges and ivy grad schools. We hope and expect our kids will follow in our footsteps.

Major red flag. Recipe for mental illness, on top of being an ignorant idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Indians have it down to a science

Lol no....we struggle as much as rest of the parents, I have regrets that mine are not very athletic, I wish they were. Now true to the stereotype, yes, my kids have had math tutors since 4th grade and they excel in math but there are other challenges that they experience. However, I do believe that a good amount of parental involvement can take a kid from average to above average, we don't believe that a child will only achieve what he/she can based on their abilities, we believe that by providing lots of external support we can easily take them up a level or two and that's why we continue to push.

For example, my daughter was an average student in math until 3rd grade, she started feeling that that's all she can achieve in math. Since grade 4, she has had a private tutor and tons of practice + hard work, in middle school now she is in algebra. Was she one of those kids who are math wizards? Not at all. By guiding, tutoring and putting in the time she is where she is currently. Will this make a difference in her life or college admissions? I don't know, we can only work hard and put in the effort everyday and let the chips fall where they may.

Although, the best thing I have learnt from american parenting culture is to aim for a balance, so I push them so that they develop good work habits, so that they can learn to work hard but not only in the pursuit of grades.

What's she going to do in high school when she doesn't have time for tons of practice and hard work to stay afloat, because she's busy with many other classes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s a marathon op. I know Harvard grads who became associate professors. I know Yale students who dropped out 20 years ago and never went back. I know state schools students who founded tech companies. I know Ivy League grads who never married or had kids.

THIS.
The goal line isn't college acceptance. It's a kid who develops holistically and can successfully matriculate into a functioning adult. It's a harder metric to teack, but the one that really matters.